Real Talk About Parenting

Maybe I should never have had kids.

I have thought this over the years, but recently especially because as of last month, both of my children have expressed to me that they doubt that I love them. I know, kids can be dramatic. I know. But I also know that the world is chaotic, and the one thing that a child should have as an absolute is that their parents love them.

I was a wreck when both of my kids were newborns. I chalk this up to being a control freak. Neither of them was the "sleep right through the night" happy-go-lucky infant that some people seem to have. D was hard, but then I had Mal and realized that D was actually easy. Both of my kids' dads got low-key (and maybe high-key) frustrated (or angry) with me about my emotional deficiencies when our kids were fresh.

Ken's breaking point was when he walked into the living room when D was a few weeks old and saw me just sobbing as the baby's body jolted with hiccups. His helpful advice: "You have to pull yourself together."

With James, it was that one day, when Malcolm was very tiny, James was at work (for reference: Mal was born on a Thursday afternoon, and James's bosses contacted him Friday and said, "No rush, but just so we can know what to expect: When do you plan to come back to work?" He went back on Monday.) and Mal just would not stop crying, as per usual. I was sleep-deprived and near the end of my rope. There was nothing to do, and nothing makes me feel crazier when there's nothing to do. I was scared of myself. Not scared that I'd just run away or even hurt the baby or anything. Just overwhelmed by the weight of the responsibility that it felt I was expected to bear on my own. 

I called James in tears and said, "He won't stop crying, and I don't know what to do. I need you to come home." By the time James got there, maybe 25 minutes later, Mal and I were on the porch and he'd calmed down. James sat with us a while, then went back to work.

Later, he admitted that this was the one time in our whole relationship that he'd been frustrated with me. He thought that the baby was hurt or that something was out-of-the-ordinary wrong, when it was just the normal stuff, but waves upon waves of it. Apparently, there was a meeting at work that had to be rescheduled because of my neediness. I was honestly shocked there weren't other times he'd been mad. I'd been a selfish jerk quite often and wouldn't have resented that. This baffled me. I needed... something.

Everyone needs something.

And something no-one tells you when you try to blend a family, especially if only one of you has kids, is that it feels like you're the single one who has to make sure that everyone's needs are met. It's your responsibility to make sure that no one feels inconvenienced or hurt by the decisions you made, because if they do, then it means that it's your fault and that you brought this on them.

So if you're a perfectionist like me, you try to manage. You try to manage resources and environment and activities. You try to anticipate needs and meet them in advance so no one feels left out or overlooked.

Then when you make a decision for your own life or even for the family unit as a whole, if one person doesn't agree with it, it feels even more fraught than if you'd started off all on the same page for the kids' whole lives. 

When I was married to Ken, I exercised my empathy until it was flawless. It was codependent and unhealthy, but I tried to operate in ways I knew wouldn't stir the pot. I assumed that when I got out of that relationship, things would get easier.

I was right, in terms of having an unconditionally loving partner. But what I didn't realize is that I took my empathy with me, and when D started having issues with the trajectory our lives were taking (unfortunate side effect of being a kid is that you get dragged wherever your parents' choices take you), I would start to pour all of that energy into maintaining normalcy as much as possible for my kid.

Once, when D was in therapy when I was expecting Mal, I met with D's therapist to discuss some things, and the therapist told me, "You're addressing this practically, but you're not addressing D's feelings about it." And recently, D has told me the same thing: I meet their physical needs, but not the emotional ones.

But, damn it, I don't know what else to do. I have two kids who have various sensory/sensitivity things that James and I both deal with, but I'm the day-to-day person who tries to manage things like sounds, fears, hygiene, food preferences, appointments, pet interactions... and maybe I'm just the kind of person who doesn't have a lot of emotional energy left over after all of that.

So maybe I shouldn't have had kids.

It doesn't seem to be something I can handle.

My kids deserve better than that, and I'm tired.

So... where do we go from here?

West Texas, Part 1

We're midway through our first week-long vacation since November 2020! And our first major road trip with the dog. Lots of excitement, lots of driving, and lots of cash spent on gas, which is currently topping out around $4.29 for regular unleaded in Texas.

We left Jonestown midday Saturday, and D was excited to give the cats the reign of the house.

We stopped pretty quickly, in Marble Falls. James dropped Mal, the dog, and me off at Johnson Park and went to get us lunch from the Blue Bonnet Cafe (speaking of a homophone, we saw only a very few bluebonnets, which are typically in full splendor by now).

Mal had a lot of fun on the playground, and Luke got to run around the off-leash part, which I hadn't realized existed when we've visited the park sans-pet so I wasn't paying attention.

I leave the leash on because it's easier to grab him when we need control again.

After a delicious lunch (James had breakfast), we drove to Llano. We stopped at a neat place I'd seen on Roadside America called Texas Tin Lizard. We got to speak with the artist, and she was a neat person. She welds the metal for bottle trees. BYOB, and it isn't easy because everyone loves glass now so it's expensive!

Then we visited the riverside park where there is a lot of public art. It was very warm, but we enjoyed the river and the neat work.

We finished that leg of our trip in Sonora, Texas. I'd never heard of it, but it was midway between Jonestown and Marfa, so that was a good place to stop.

We stayed in a nice little Super 8 that is one of those old-style motor lodges. It was four different low-slung buildings across a couple of blocks. Comfortable, clean, and quiet, just like we likes it.

It's also very near a museum that was closed, but had some cool displays outside, like a mostly-broken-down old wagon and a hitching post with elevated platform.

Sonora has a nature center, so when Luke woke up at o'dark-thirty the next day, we walked in that direction. It is close to I-10, but easy to forget when you're not paying attention too closely.

Sutton County Courthouse

We got grab-and-go breakfast at the hotel, and were on our way further west.

Here's a case where sort of obsessively planning travel can really pay off. I was looking at Marathon on Google Maps to see where we might want to get out and rest a bit, when I saw a patch of green in the middle of this desert town. It really stood out, so I zoomed in to check it.

Turns out it's an absolute oasis called Gage Gardens.

Luke made some friends and wore himself out!

We spent a good hour or so in Marathon before taking off again.

In Marfa, we stayed at The Lincoln Marfa. It is right across the street from the Presidio County Courthouse, and it used to be the stables for the courthouse. It's been several things over the years, but now it's long- and short-term rentals, and it's a super fun place. Lots of room, neat little nooks and crannies and courtyards to hang out, and even a fire pit and movie wall. So much personality. I've been pictures of it when it's lush in the summer and it's breath-taking, but we thought the winter version had its own charm, as well.

The single tiny structure in the courtyard is the entrance to an unfinished bomb shelter.
You can stay in it if you're traveling with a party of one or two people.

At this time of the year, Marfa is pretty quiet (maybe it's always quiet?), and we were there on a full Monday, when most things are closed most places, anyway. But we had a great time walking around and admiring the varied architecture, as well as the fun way art is pretty much everywhere, from walls to garbage dumpsters. Oh, and the sunrises. Wow.

They also have a dog park, but it's pretty useless this time of year, as it's more stickers than anything else. In fact, if you're going to visit Marfa with a dog, I recommend staying as close as possible to the courthouse (there are plenty of options) because it's the only publicly-accessible place to take your dog that has grass that is treated for weeds. There is a nice playground for kids that is fully fenced, but it says no pets. Same with the athletic fields at the school (and they're installing synthetic turf right now anyway). Luke got SO MANY stickers that it makes me glad we don't live in the desert. We loved Marfa, though. It would be tempting if it weren't for the dry cold (that is brutal and that leads to stickers) plus the fact that real estate is no cheaper than where we live, anyway (meaning we couldn't afford the house we'd want).

This morning (Tuesday), we got up and drove just up the road to Fort Davis National Historical Site.

We had a pass to Davis Mountains State Park, and drove in but mostly just drove in and back out because the dog was exhausted (he walked around and got several stickers at the historical site... but he really did seem to have a good time climbing up the hill that's immediately next to the barracks.

We had a pretty quick 2-hour drive to Monahans, where it's dusty as heck because we're in the Permian Basin and it's windy.

Our plans are to go to Monahans Sandhill State Park tomorrow, then drive on to San Angelo for three nights.

Shopping Trip with Mal

Indeed is a great company to work for. They offer unlimited PTO, and they make a big deal out of meaning it. Once they sent everyone to work from home a couple of years ago, they decided that we weren't taking enough time off. So they started giving us one Friday off every month.

They haven't stopped.

Feb 18 was one of those days.

Early on, I promised Laura a day to get away. She's needed one for a long time. If I wrote that she "deserved" it, it would belittle just how hard she works to keep this household working. I took responsibility for Mal and the dog, and she got to do whatever she wanted. I think she drove to south Austin to hang out with her sister. I'm sad to realize that I'm still not sure.

After we agreed to this, I wound up with a busy day.

A few weeks before this, I ordered some natural hydraulic lime. It's kinda/sorta like old-school cement. Ancient buildings used it for mortar. Once it's fully cured, it basically turns into limestone. It may not be quite as strong as concrete (I'm not sure I've ever run across any official lab test results), but everything I've read claims that it can heal if your building shifts and makes it crack.

One of its most important features is that it "breathes." This is really important if you're building something out of natural materials, like straw or earth.

One way or another, water will get into your walls. If you cover them with a layer of cement, the water is trapped inside. It starts doing all the awful things that water does to things like straw (mildew) or earth (turning your sturdy walls into mud).

On the 11th, I got a notice that my lime had arrived. I figured I would just pick it up that weekend. But the store is only open during the week.

I tried to find time during the next week to get away to pick it up, but the store is on the other side of the city. And my little car isn't up to hauling half a ton of powdered limestone. The suspension *might* be able to handle it (I doubt it), but it doesn't have that much space in the trunk.

So Mal and I got up, wished Laura a good day, harnessed up the dog, and headed out around 11:00.

We started by going to Home Depot to rent a pickup. Luckily, they had a couple. After we rented it, Mal wanted to look at light fixtures. I tried to keep a firm grasp on the basic fact that I was going to spend a lot of money on this rental. A few minutes here and there to improve my relationship with either my kid or my dog was not going to add a significant amount to that.

I don't know if it would fit us or the house we want, but I think the silly looping one is pretty neat. I'd really want to learn a lot more about changing the "bulbs" before I bought something like that.

I also grabbed a few 2x4s. My plan was to build the door/window frame out of them, but I'd double-guessing myself now. After all, that part will wind up embedded in the cob. If it rots, it will be a lot of work to replace.

Luke was great, at the store by the way. He's so much better than he was when we started taking him places like this.

Once we found the lighting aisle, Mal was content. So we headed out to the pickup.

The one we got was fairly sweet. Mal was revolted by the smell (cigarette residue) but luxuriated in the leather(?) seats. Luke seemed happier than he is on most car rides, even though he had less room than usual. Maybe he feels happier when his people are squinched in together?

I immediately had fond memories of solid pickups with towing capacity. It was pretty neat to be sitting up above other cars and being able to see over them. And to have them actually getting out of my way when I signalled that I wanted to change lanes (though Austin is still a lot better about that than most cities, even in my little Fiat). I got a kick out of having an engine that's powerful enough that it didn't strain going uphill.

By the time we got to our first stop at Ecowise to pick up the lime, Mal really needed to pee. And he was really hungry. The parking lot was really confusing. It was almost like this used to be a strip mall, once upon a time. Now there's a ring of shops with hard-to-see signs hiding behind some front store. It all looks kind of shady. Maybe because they're all things like environmentally friendly building material stores hiding in Texas? I don't know, but it was weird.

According to Waze, there was a McDonald's really close by. I figured that Mal could go to the bathroom at Ecowise, then we'd hit up McDonald's.

It turns out that Ecowise isn't so much a store as a distribution center. I think. There were books in the entryway. Under other circumstances, I'd have been tempted to browse.

Laura had requested that I take Luke into the store with me, because he freaks out when he's left alone inside the car. I jokingly told her that I was planning to just leave him there with Mal, but that's what happened because Mal didn't want to get out.

As soon as I told the guy what I was there for, he hustled me to the closed "shop" next door, opened the garage door, and headed for the pallet full of lime. He asked me how I wanted to handle it. Maybe we could both take a bag at a time?

I really should have taken him up on that. I did at first, but then it just seemed like a waste of time. When I got home that night, I saw that he'd sent me an email explaining that he'd injured his shoulder. I felt really bad that he'd helped me load anyway.

But then I got worried about the dog and the kid in the car, so I started rushing things and grabbing bags myself. And so did the nice guy (Jim Holland) who was helping me.

After we got done, a big portion of that pallet of lime was left. He warned me that he might need my help pushing it back uphill and into the warehouse. I was confused, but agreed. He managed it.

When I got home that night (really, really sore from all the work), I found an email from him that morning. He'd messed up his shoulder and was asking for help.

I feel awful for not insisting that he sit out everything he legally could and let me load my truck myself. I really feel like he was trying to help he expedite things because it was obvious that I was paying for my transportation by the hour.

After we left there, we headed to the McDonald's for Mal.

This was one of the most confusing McDonald's ever.

First of all, I didn't believe they had a lobby at all. We wouldn't have gone in, but Mal needed to pee desperately. It was one of those places where you need a key to get into the bathroom. Some guy went in right before us.

We waited.

I left Mal to wait some more while I got in line to order food.

While I was still in line, Mal showed up to tell me that he'd watched someone else go in, and the first guy had just disappeared.

I still don't know what happened. But Mal finally got to pee.

And we finally got our food.

At this point, Luke was restless. I walked him around the McDonald's/gas station parking lot while I ate.

Some homeless guy wandered by with his dog. I asked his permission for Luke to say "hi." They did. The homeless guy thanked me for it. I'm not sure why. Maybe he was just surprised that I treated him like a normal human being?

Shortly after that, we all managed to load back up and head about another half mile up the road to Dakota Hardwoods.

I wanted to buy wood for a door and window.

When I researched the woods to use for this, teak showed up first. And then mahogany. Maybe white oak is an acceptable substitute, since the other two are probably too expensive. The thickest white oak they sell is nominally 1", so probably about 3/4" for real. I have part of one board of it, and it wouldn't make a very substantial door. You have to ask the salesperson for the current price. When we got there, I did.

It was weird to go inside their store and interact with another human being.

I'm sure I have these numbers wrong, but the basic idea was that teak is around $36 a board foot. The white oak was nearly $10. 1.5" thick mahogany was something like $9.30. The 2" was $9.60.

I got the 2 inch. The boards are about 12 feet long. They're really freaking heavy.

We spent a lot of time waiting for the boards to get delivered. I wandered around the parking lot with Luke. Mal got really bored.

He complained about how long it had taken all the way home. He insisted that he's never taking up any hobbies like this, because it's far too much work. He's just going to manage his restaurant. Which, based on his vast experience from watching Sponge Bob, is super easy.

Laura beat us home.

I unloaded quickly and headed to Sun Hardware to buy eight wooden pallets. At first, he wanted $3 each. When I pulled out the credit card, he told me he'd take $20 cash. I think I had $16, so he went for that.

Then I drove to the feed store in Cedar Park to grab some straw. I was actually planning to browse and see what they had that was worthwhile, after sitting out in the rain probably all winter. But I got there as they were closing. A couple of teenagers loaded me up while I paid.

They sat here for a couple of days. It probably made Laura crazy.

Then I took the pickup back. They asked me to gas it up across the street before I dropped it off. I did, and that's when I remembered why our Fiats are so awesome. I'd burned about 9 gallons of gas. When I used to commute, I'd go through that much in about a week and a half. I did put on quite a few more miles than a regular day's commute, but most of them were on the highway with relatively light traffic.

I had something else going on the next day, so it was actually Sunday before I was able to put everything in better places.

I didn't get a picture of the lime when I stored it under our house. I sealed those up in trash bags and stowed them under the house on 2x4s.