A New Hope (not Star-Wars-related)

I'd really forgotten a lot.

It was likely a self-preservation tactic my subconscious exercised on my behalf.

In preparing for an interview, I went back and for the first time read through the blog posts I made during 2010-2012. 

I have a few thoughts, and they're all over the place. So in no particular order:

1) Holy cow, I cringed so hard so many times. The things I said as a youngster (pre-40s, but barely)! Your girl has changed A LOT in 15 years, and that's, to borrow a probably-copyrighted phrase from Martha Stewart, a good thing. If you read my blog back then, and you rolled your eyes or gasped at anything I said ("Thanks, Feminism," I'm looking at you), WE ARE IN AGREEMENT. And I'm so sorry. It's bad. It was very, very bad and re-exposing myself to... myself (not in a dirty way, perverts) created quite a rip in the time-space continuum of who I know myself to be.

2) It's easy to believe the people can't or won't change. Good gravy, have I ever changed in the past decade. I like to think it's for the better. I do probably cuss more than I used to. But getting off of social media was a huge improvement. I feel like I am much more accepting and less judgmental than I was back in the day. I definitely don't obsess over my body or my hair or anything the way that I did 14-15 years ago. I'm pretty sure I am NOT maturing, though, so don't worry about that.

3) It was a complete surprise to me to learn that I kept two concurrent blogs during 2011-2012??! I had "Trailer Trash and Proud" for fun stuff like reviews, things we did, stuff I baked, etc. and I kept my older one for all of my angst and preaching and Deep Thoughts™. That one is very barfy and I only read it to make sure that I was remembering timelines and events correctly. But it was a painful read. Bleh. The stuff about my cool pancakes and all of the chocolate I bought in Dallas was a lot more on-brand and enjoyable.

4) After all of the stuff happened in the early 2010s, it was like I was running out of a burning building and didn't have the energy or desire to look back. Now that I have, I feel a lot less... well, just a lot less about it. The feelings aren't a big deal. I'm over it. Things didn't go the way they would have if they'd happened the way I wanted, and apart from my self-esteem taking a huge hit (but refusing to stay down, which actually would have made it easier), it was all really fine. Better in the long run, in fact. Much better.

5) Things I should have done differently: a) Immediately left my church. b) Moved to Austin a year before I did. c) Been more proactive in helping D deal with the huge changes I, too, was finding difficult. It SUCKS as a parent to be barely treading water and therefore not fully notice that your kid is struggling probably worse than you are. A lot of the issues D has had are because I was not thinking properly and didn't notice or realize things I should have noticed and realized. We both have a lot more perspective on this as adults, but it doesn't change that I messed up. I missed a lot. And I can't redo any of it.

6) That said, reading about where I was back then really makes me more hopeful in this part of my life! I was worried about the same things: finding a job, having enough money to make it, where would I end up if I couldn't afford where I was living anymore? Etc. At the time, I had a friend who compared it to swinging on a trapeze and how, for the trapeze to work, sometimes you have to let go and fly and trust that the other trapeze will be there to meet you when you get there. Right now, I have a whole other adult in this with me, and we have more resources than I did at the time. So it helped kind of jolt me out of some doldrums and I appreciate that a lot!

In 12 years, none of us has aged, including the kid. Which is weird. ;)

I always used to say...

 ... Back when I was married to someone else, that if my ex-husband ever died, I would get fat, and I'd get an RV. Over time, I added that I'd also get another tattoo. 

Well, apparently, it didn't take a death. It only took a decoupling. 

The first thing I did was to get an RV. And I LOVED it!

Me loving my RV so hard.
(Thanks, Gabrielle, for the photoshoot...
14 years ago!)

As you can tell by that older photo above, I'm also bigger than I was back in that day. It took a long time for me to get comfortable with my body, but it has helped to have a partner who is very comfortable with it. I mean, if I'd remained single, I probably would have been fine with it, as well... it's just that being married to someone who views your body with suspicion and expects it to disappoint if you're not constantly managing it makes just living a normal life pretty impossible. In the words of Madeye Moody, "Constant vigilance" and all that. It's exhausting. (Also: JK Rowling, p-tooey.)

Then, not only did I get another tattoo; I've gotten three more, including 2 since I turned 50! And I got my nose pierced!

To my complementarian/"servant leader head of the family" ladies, I will say: Bodily autonomy is incredible, and you should really try it.

I've been thinking about this a lot as we consider our financial future in the days of massive layoffs across the country, and the seemingly decreasing likelihood of James finding a "career-level" job in tech (which he's honestly fine with; but it seems like the Leander Independent School District doesn't want a tech bro as a night janitor, either).

We're looking at selling the house and moving out of the country. We're looking at selling the house, getting an RV, and moving across the Rural Market road. Or out of Texas, as James thinks if we're going to get rid of the house, we should GO.

Mal loves the idea of living in an RV. James is okay with it, too. In other words, I don't have to wait for him to die before considering things I'd enjoy... 

... Although, if James weren't around, I might consider cutting my hair a lot shorter. He has said that it's my hair and I can do whatever I want with it, of course; but I also know he likes longer hair (on everyone, not just me) so I'm keeping it. For now. 

On Automobiles and more grousing about spending money like we're rich

A couple of months ago, I mentioned that the drive train might be going out in one of our vehicles. Fortunately, that was not the case. It was just that the rotors were rusted so it kind of felt like driving with the brakes partially engaged.

We got that fixed to the tune of something like $1500, felt lucky about that, then three days after we got the car home, the "check engine" light came on. It went back out, we thought we were getting a reprieve, but then it came back on.

That tine, it was the emissions system. Everything physically was working okay, but we had to replace a sensor and get a firmware update, which was another $700ish.

NOW... when Mal and I were coming home yesterday, my car overheated. I pulled into QuikTrip to buy some coolant, then I called James to come follow me to the garage. I drove slowly, with the windows down and the heater way up, idling at stop lights, and made it to the garage without the car heating up again.

Apparently, I managed to keep it from damaging the radiator but a few things needed repair: the thermostat, the radiator cap neck (which melted a bit from the heat and prevents the cap from staying securely on), a cool flush, and an oil change... for just under $1000.

But, oops, when they were taking some bolts off, the bolts broke and fell into the housing, which has to be replaced. They're not charging us extra labor for that, but the housing is another $400.

Like, I'm buying stuff that's $.50 off the usual price trying to make our money last longer (which I do when James is working, but we also have money coming in, unlike now) but we just keep having to spend thousands of dollars... on repairs, on our auto insurance renewal (and, of course, the price went up because of a $700 claim), our city's water company started charging more (they should!).

James said he's averaged applying for about 10 jobs per week since he got laid off. That's well over 500 applications. I've applied for jobs and have been told I'll be invited in for an interview at one, but that was weeks ago so I'm not holding my breath. 

I will say that I'm having some luck at cobbling together side gigs like mystery shopping, marketing research, and now I'm getting into pet-sitting (kind of). 

What's kind of funny, though, is that I'm trying to get Mal to take some classes next semester to learn how to skate or swim or other stuff. And that would cost money. But I guess we're lucky because Mal says he teaches himself his own skills, so he declines. 

Speaking of Mal... He had 2 teeth pulled the last time he went under anesthesia for dental work in April 2023 and we were told at the time that it might be years until he lost more teeth. It was! However, in the past 10 days, he's lost 3 molars! And another one is loose. 

He still hasn't lost his canines, which feels wrong. But his mouth is a wonderland of weirdness, anyway.

They wanted to do braces pretty quickly, and he'll probably still need them eventually;
but his teeth have moved on their own A LOT in the past 2 years!

UPDATE: After I posted this, Mal lost his second molar of the day!!

UPDATE 2: It ended up being just over $1800. Le sigh. 

Am I Even a Woman Anymore?

 Well, friend-os, it's apparently finally happened: I am hormonally infertile. 

Despite the fact that my test results say I'm "postmenopausal," as far as I know, "menopause" is defined as being a year after the start date of your last period. My last period actually started in December, but I've been dealing with 100-200-day gaps in my cycle since 2022. I'm only slightly older than the average onset of menopause, but it has felt like a long time coming.

By the way, the title of this blog post is a joke. I don't feel less like anything now that I'm not able to get pregnant (allegedly). I'm excited about a new phase of my life! And I'm determined to live long enough that I'll have had well over half of my life without having a period. 

Although my body has been playing games with me for more than three years now, I am extremely fortunate in that I haven't really had terrible symptoms (so far). Even when I haven't had a period, I've still been aware of cyclical hormonal fluctuations, to the point that for the first time in my life, I'm able to tell myself and the people around me, "I can tell I'm going to be more easily irritated than usual for the next couple of days. Just making you aware." Of course, I do try not to be a menace during that time, as well.

I thought I was getting a kind of "morning sickness" for a few months earlier this year, but think I figured out and fixed that and it was digestive.

I haven't had any "hot flashes/flushes," although I do find myself getting uncomfortably warm after I've had a burst of activity and finally sit down. I've been taking care of that with a little hand-held fan that I sit on the table and blow into my fact for about 10 minutes, then I'm fine.

Here's something you might not know about me: I didn't really want to have kids at all. 

However, I was married to two different men who very much wanted to have children. 

I'm grateful that they did, and thankful for how my life turned out, even if it's nothing like what I thought it would be. Honestly, I'm not sure I ever did think about what my life would look like... a lot of times, it feels like life is living me, but that's just fine because so far, so good. 

Here's to the next chapter...

One of those days...

It is 12:12 AM and I'm sitting in the living room. I went to bed at about 7 last night because I suddenly felt extremely tired and bad.

By the time I got into bed and was ready to rest, I was FREEZING. We have a sheet, a blanket we use when it's a little chilly, and a quilt we usually turn down but will use it when it's truly cold out. I was wrapped up in all three, had on my sleep cap, and I was still shivering. 

I slept four hours, restlessly. Every time I woke up, it was like I was fighting a battle that was a mixture between Ready Player One's egg hunt on the OASIS, paper.io 2, speaking Spanish, whatever is going on in Andor right now, and fighting whatever I was trying to fight off. 

James came to bed around midnight, and I had stopped being chilly. I got up to use the restroom and could tell that my body was on fire. James took my temperature and it was only 101.4, so that's good. 

I decided to get up for a while and sit on the couch until I'm sleepy again (I'm very tired, but not in the sleep zone).

This is one of those times that if I had insurance, I'd probably head off to the quick care clinic tomorrow. Instead, I have an appointment coming up later this week with my primary care physician for my annual physical and I'll just talk to her about it.

The biggest problem here is that I've never been a hypochondriac, but now that I've had cancer growing in my body once (and I got so so lucky with that; truly, I hesitate to tell anyone in the real world that I "had" cancer; it doesn't feel respectful enough of people who have the kinds of cancer that require protracted and devastating treatment), when I feel suddenly very bad, my brain does go there.

When we had insurance, I definitely realized how fortunate we were. I knew then and I'm really feeling it now that peace of mind is only for the moneyed and the rest of us have to hope for the best and try not to go bankrupt. 

Having worked din property management, I understand that medical debt doesn't haunt people like consumer debt, but it's still not great to know that you have thousands of dollars outstanding, and so you have to made decisions about whether you can stay in your apartment for two more months, or whether you want the collection agency to stop bothering you.

For now, I'm going to enjoy my ginger ale, do some word puzzles, and then try to go back to sleep. Wish me luck!

Do I know Spanish?

In August, I'll have been using Duolingo for 3 years.

James will hit 4 years at the end of this month. He started studying Spanish in June 2021. I decided to go with French at first, just because that's what I studied in high school and college and I figured having some momentum from the get-go would keep me motivated.

We planned a trip to Montreal, which we took in spring 2023, and after we got home from that, I switched over to Spanish, too.

Living in Texas (and, really, anywhere in the US), this is a much more practical language. I wish I'd studied it in high school rather than French, but I think French seemed so much more romantic.

In terms of practicality, ASL would have been the most useful to me, but I shudder to think how it would have been taught, especially given how I was taught French in high school. I had to take remedial French for a semester in college, because I was functionally starting fresh. Sigh.

Now that I've been studying Spanish in Duolingo for a couple of years, I've attained a score that indicates I should be able to have basic conversations in Spanish.. but I don't feel like that's the case at all.

We're planning to visit Mexico next year, and I've started listening to an immersion Spanish podcast to see if I can gain some confidence in this regard.

What I think is happening is this: I am really good at taking tests. I can usually do pretty well in challenges and stuff, but that doesn't always translate to learning with me. I have surpassed James's "XP" within the game, and I'm further along than he is. But I'm 100% sure that he's better at actually speaking Spanish than I am.

This is a part of my personality that I wish I could turn off. I'm trying to stay focused and learn to learn, but sometimes the "gamification" here is counterproductive to why I'm actually on the app: to learn a language.

AI isn't good at human stuff like storytelling, art, or... admitting it doesn't know

I avoid using AI, but for some reason there's now always an AI summary at the top of Google search results. If you want not to have that, you can add a curse word in your search, and AI will not deign to respond.

Although it wastes so much energy and water to process AI stuff, I did try something this morning that made me roll my eyes.

Someone posted a video of search queries that were nonsense, and how AI attempted to answer them. So I typed something and got this response:

Dude... just say, "I have literally no idea. I've never heard of this and I have access to all of the information in the world.

I'm not anti-AI. I think it's great in applications that help people have more access to things, like helping blind people figure out which can is peach slices and which can is cannellini beans; taking a first run at captions for Deaf and hard-of-hearing; looking at medical imaging in conjunction with an experienced radiologist, etc. 

What it can't do is tell an original story, or make a true comment about the human condition. It steals from creators and produces a less good version of anything that a person could do.

Mal had a good time for a while giving prompts to an AI-generator for images... I hated that because I knew how wasteful it was. But he was able to work through the fun of that and stop after the novelty wore off. He learned how bad AI is at understand what people are actually saying, and how poorly it repackages the stuff it steals from.

I guess you could say that my feelings about AI are like screaming into an onion.