Checking in with Mal

Hi, friends!

I thought we could check in with Mal this morning (now night; all I got to this AM was adding the picture, then we had to go).

Mal recently turned 11! He would be in 5th grade (because his birthday is late in September).

Almost every day, he has video calls with a couple of homeschooling friends, Caleb and Kona, who have named their group The Cool Miners. They play Minecraft, "board" games (like Battleship and Azul) on buddyboardgames.com, share silly predictive text creations, look through each other's old files, and generally just have a fun time.

He is still meeting with his Sunday friend, Ryan, but since they're kind of outgrowing McDonald's (though Mal says he will NEVER outgrow McDonald's), they've started meeting every other week at a park. This weekend, Mal can try out his new-to-him scooter which a lovely neighbor gave us after the stand board split in two on his older scooter.

We have just started the FOURTH year of our weekly library/park homeschool meetup. We'd gone from 6 kids to 5 to 4 when one kind of aged out and another moved to the west coast (but he's in The Cool Miners, so he's still kind of around). But this summer, another kid joined us and he's fit right in! So we're back at 5, and these kids get along great. I love seeing how their friendships have grown and deepened over the past few years.

In fact, Mal wants to throw a Christmas party for the group at our house in a few weeks. He's been thinking of gifts to give, and will be selecting a menu soon. He also has ideas about what to do for his dad's birthday and Christmas, and it's so cool that he's thinking about ways to make other people happy.

Mal has decided that he's ready to take a break from the one-day-a-week school he's been going to for 2.5 years. I think there have been a lot more kids join, which is good for the school but stressful for Mal, who seems to like having a couple of close friends around rather than being in a big crowd.

I don't know whether I mentioned this or not, but the second time he tried to go to the kid's club on our last cruise, he had the counselor call us to get him because he was overwhelmed by the chaos. When James arrived, Mal dissolved into tears. Poor kid.

That said, I feel like early puberty is upon us. Mal has started having lots of big feelings about things, after having taken a break for a couple of years. I'm trying to talk to him about it; preparing him; telling him that big feelings are normal and that whatever he is thinking about, if he wants to talk to us, he can do that without worrying that we'll be angry or think he's a weird-o (I mean, he is a weird-o. We all are.)

Today (the morning after I started this) is school pictures, a mystery shop stop for lunch, then Urban Air. Good times!

Bits and Pieces

Hello, fellow Americans (and any other nationalities, honestly... all are welcome)!

Yesterday was Mother's Day in the US, and my local family came out to my house to visit. We had a nice afternoon hanging out, and I didn't have to do anything because James and Mal picked out snacks, my Dad brought food and plates, and it was just a fun time all around.

Today, I had an early appointment at a radiology office, not realizing that I was getting some nuclear imaging and a CAT scan. Woo hoo. Fun times. Before going into the imaging chamber, I got an IV of radioactive material! About two short hours and I was done. What a psychic workout, though.

First, the radiologist was trying to keep my elbows in place (the camera automatically keeps 1 inch between itself and a body, and she didn't want me moving my arms and making the camera back off). It was kind of like swaddling, and it was comfy enough... until she started lowering the imaging plate to within 2 inches of my nose and my claustrophobia kicked in. I pulled off the sheet and promised that I would keep my elbows tucked under my own power. She offered to try something different and I told her that if I felt restrained, there was no way I could do it. So we kept my arms free and everything was relatively fine after that.

I had 3 different 5-minute scans, during which I could not move. I was kind of restless after those, but THEN it was time for a 25-minute scan! That one did a number on me, as I tried to relax and maybe even nap since I'd gotten less sleep than usual the night before. But my body kept bringing me back into the moment by suddenly detecting an itch in my right ear canal. Then making me hyper aware that the muscles in my leg were clinched and I needed to relax. Then noticing that my pinkies were falling asleep from my crossing my fingers, which was how I was keeping my elbows from flopping around, so I couldn't really move them but I also couldn't forget about how much I wanted to move. However, when the machine beeped that it was over, I'd thought we were only at the halfway point. 

After the long scan, I had to go into a CAT scan machine still without moving because it had to line up with the previous images. The tech had to "stitch" the pictures, and I was trying not to say anything until there was a natural break, but by then I REALLY needed another visit to the restroom (one of the symptoms of the hypercalcemia caused by hyperparathyroidism is that my kidneys are always trying to jettison calcium, thus pulling moisture from my body and causing me to need to evacuate a minimum of hourly). Fortunately, she was able to let me go before we did the 3 final 5-minute scans.

Shortly after I got home, James had deja vu from last spring, when Indeed announced that it was laying off 8% of its work force. This time, James didn't keep his job, and he said he's mostly numb about it, but I think it will end up being a good thing. Morale has tanked since last year's down-sizing (the first mass layoffs Indeed had ever done), and he hasn't been happy for a while. 

Classes and extra-curriculars are shutting down for the summer. Mal has been out of Wednesday classes for two weeks. This Wednesday, we're going to to to the splash pad where we had his birthday party. I'm probably going to plan an activity every Wednesday that I can, just to avoid general malaise (although I love being home). Since Mal is enjoying public transit so much (we took the bus to Urban Air last week and had a great time), I'll see what I can find that is nearby convenient stops (we had to walk almost a mile between the stop and UA, but it was fun).

Thursday is Mal's last homeschool open gym until fall. And our Tuesday group is always lighter in the summer, with people traveling and dealing with summer custody arrangements.

But Mal's looking forward to YMCA movie-making camp in about a month! It'll be his first sleep-away camp, and I hope it's as magical as Camp Coral (a SpongeBob series), which is why I think he was interested in camp in the first place.

This last thing I'm going to tell you about... well, if you're squeamish or just don't like TMI, then stop reading and we'll see you next post. 

If you're still here, allow me to say: I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS! And by "this," I mean continuing my fertility. I, too, had deja vu today. We were in Montreal exactly a year ago (sigh) and the last full day we were in town, I took Mal to an indoor playground. We spent a LOT of time on public transit to get there. On the bus ride, I felt a kind of "swoosh" feeling that was weird. When we got to the playground, I went into the restroom and there was blood EVERYWHERE. I was wearing a menstrual cup (which I've used without leaks since 2010), AND period underwear. And still, my khaki slacks were absolutely drenched in blood.

I had a stain stick and pretty much used it up. It kind of diluted the visible blood, though it definitely looked like I'd peed myself. Oh well. I wasn't going to end the day early and travel an hour back to the hotel room just to change. I moved my stuff from a cloth seat to a leather chair and just dealt with it. It was fine; I didn't make a mess anywhere but on myself. Then Mal and I went to McD's before heading back several hours later.

(It's the next day).

Since then, I've had one overnight situation which hadn't happened since I stopped wearing pads in my early 20s. I determined to remember to change out IMMEDIATELY before bedtime from then on, and have done so.

But yesterday, as I used the restroom prior to my eternal scan situation, I realized I'd started my period. I'd gotten up in the dark so hadn't seen any clues at home. But by the time I made it to the radiology clinic, I suppose I'd been free-bleeding for about two hours. I didn't have on my period underwear (my periods are extremely irregular -- thanks, perimenopause! -- and I didn't get the usual two-day warning of hormone-induced stress this time. 

I had my cup with me as always, but had to do the whole procedure knowing that I'd bled straight through my jeans. Ehh. Got home, changed, was fine the rest of the day.

Then last night, I got the same feeling as on the bus a year ago. Got up and there was just blood EVERYWHERE. I don't understand what or how it is happening, but I'm over it. Cleaned up, went for a walk, could tell I was leaking. Had to change and clean up AGAIN when I got home.

Friends, I am almost 52 years old! This nonsense needs to stop. At least I will probably be at least mostly finished by next week. I don't want to have to do the pad/mesh underpants combo I discussed with the surgical nurse.

A Brief History of Christmas (for me personally)

My mom was telling me about the Advent series her church is doing, and mentioning how different that was to what the church of Christ (coC) has historically done.

When we were growing up, the coCs we attended all but ignored Christmas, since "it's not really Jesus's birthday, anyway," I guess? If Christmas fell on a Sunday, we went to church and heard a sermon that might be about Paul's travels, or about Nebuchadnezzar, or Jesus's friendship with Mary/Martha/Lazarus. There was some cognitive dissonance that I did not understand, but got the message that it was disingenuous to pretend Christmas was about Jesus's birth, since we know he wasn't born in winter at all.

I remember one winter when I was in 5th grade, we were drawing pictures in art class. We were supposed to draw a nativity or something, and I told my teacher that I didn't think I could do that. When she asked why, I guess I mumbled something about it being like lying, acting like it was Jesus's birthday. My friend Cindy Cole responded with, "Oh, Laura, don't be a fool," as she drew a spectacular three-dimensional star.

Later that season, I was asked to write a bit for the last school newspaper of the year. I barely remember anything about it, except that I ended it with: "We look forward to a break where we can celebrate  Christmas and remember the birth of Jesus." 

At some point later, my parents had received the newsletter and asked me about it. They might have just been interested to know why I'd written what I did, but since I was just a kid, I remember feeling like I was in trouble. So I did what I always did when I thought I was in trouble: I lied. I said I hadn't in fact written that, that I'd ended it after "celebrate Christmas" and that an adult in the office must have added on the end bit.

It never occurred to me as a child that my parents could very easily fact-check my story. But it never made sense to me that for some reason, a church would be anti-remembering the birth of their savior.

As an adult, I've attended a few more liturgical denominations, including Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, Episcopal, and United Churches of Christ (which is decidedly NOT affiliated with the churches of Christ). And even the non-denominational churches in Las Vegas and Sherman had an advent season.

This year, I'm not taking part in any religious services as I've stepped away from church indefinitely. The further I get from it, the more I realize how traumatized I was/am by the way I was treated and the way other women have been treated by the way the church is structured and how "church discipline" is handled and how charismatic men can get away with murder, practically and maybe probably literally? And I get that none of this is Jesus's fault, but it's healing for me to walk the path I'm walking now so thanks for respecting that.

Speaking of the main man of Christmas, here's another one: Santa Claus.

Growing up, we did not believe in Santa. We LOVED Christmas, and it was a magical time. We always got a present "from" Santa but knew it was my parents. They still snuck around and saved the best surprises for Santa to creatively leave out for us to discover. We left milk and cookies out for Santa, and they'd be mostly eaten in the morning. We knew it was Dad who ate them, but it was a cool touch. This seemed an ideal way to treat a Christmas icon, so I did the same thing with my kids.

D was fine. Mal, at the age of 4ish, decided that there WAS a Santa, despite my telling him that Santa Claus is a fictional character based on Saint Nicholas, a gentleman who wanted to help children and needy families. I told him that Santa Claus is the embodiment of the spirit of Christmas, but not a real entity. He insisted that he was.

Last year, he straight up asked me, "Mom, tell me the truth: Is Santa real?" And I said, "This is NOT fair! I always told you the truth, but you insist that he is real, and now we're at this place where I have to break your heart by telling you the truth. THIS is what I was trying to avoid!"

Cut to this year; Mal is 9 and at the age that a lot of kids start growing out of Santa. I don't know if he blocked my revelation out or what, but he's still going strong. He wrote a letter to Santa and put it in the mailbox a few weeks ago. When I've mentioned that some of the stuff he's asked for is pretty expensive, he's said, "That's okay. Santa will get it for me!" (He's lucky because the most expensive thing he wanted WAS gifted to us by a friend who had an extra one lying around. Ho ho ho, Christmas miracle and all that.)

Galveston for the holidays

After we opened gifts at the house last Sunday morning, James, Mal, and I drove down to Galveston to spend the week. We had a great time! 

On Monday, I got up and walked along the beach, then we tried to go to East Beach. The road out there was flooded, so we hung around Fort Jacinto point and enjoyed the shore birds (and a couple of stray cats) then took Mal to Schreiber Park to burn off some energy before we visited Galveston Island State Park. Mal wanted McDonald's so, we took him there and James and I got take-out from Sunshine Bakery. Our energy rallied, we walked up and down Broadway a bit to admire the architecture.

Tuesday, we saw rain in the forecast do decided to try to do some outdoor stuff while it was nice (spoiler alert: the weather ended up being beautiful the whole week, though we did experience some fog). We visited the Tall Ship Elissa and the "Ship to Shore" museum, about the immigration experience in the 19th Century. Mal kept calling the Elissa a "pirate ship," and after correcting him twice, we just let him have at it. He loved it and had so much fun. He kept wanting to walk back through it and explore more. Next, we walked The Strand, then got take-out for lunch and rested up for the evening activities: Iceland ice sculptures and the Festival of Lights at Moody Gardens! We ended the night with several trips down a big sledding hill they had, and Mal declared this "The best day of my life!"

This is D and then Mal on the same staircase of the Elissa, both age 8!

Wednesday, we went to the Galveston Children's Museum first, then toured Bishop's Palace. They're both old houses, but one had a basement that has been converted into kids' space and the other a gift shop. We then had a fabulous lunch at Gaido's. We'd rested a bit in the hotel room until we'd gotten hungry, and on a whim I placed a reservation for 2:00 PM, even though I didn't expect it to be that busy. It was. They had a wait of 45 minutes to an hour, and their reservations were booked through until 8:45 that night by the time they arrived! After lunch, we went to the Galveston Railroad Museum, then finished the day at Seawolf Park, where Mal played on the playground while James and I enjoyed an amazing sunset.

Thursday, we went back to Moody Gardens and walked through the Rainforest, then went to the Discovery pyramid where they had a musical exhibit. James could have stayed there all day. After lunch at Darlene's Shrimp Shack, we went back to the hotel to rest. Mal and I went to the beach for a bit later, but otherwise, we just had a low-key night at "home."

Friday morning, instead of walking on the beach, I walked through town to tour the tree sculptures. In 2008, Hurricane Ike killed a bunch of mostly very old oak trees. Many homeowners took what was left of the trees and had artists turn the losses into something beautiful. Later in the day, we drove around and I showed James some of them; he just has to be careful on trips because we walk so much more than usual and his Achilles tendonitis threatens to flare up. We want to keep it at "threat" level because if it progresses, he's basically immobile.

After breakfast (we were grateful that it was included with our hotel stay), we went to the Galveston County Museum, which is in the courthouse. Then we went to the Bryan Museum. I'd warned Mal that it was something James and I wanted to do and that he'd probably be bored, but they ended up having hidden elves throughout the building, and Mal got to hunt for them. He was very tenacious and found them all! As a reward, he got an iron-on patch that I'm going to put on his coat later today. 

We had a super tasty lunch at Shykatz, then the guys hung out at the hotel while I retraced some of our steps and got some souvenirs to bring home. We ended the day with dinner at Ben and Jerry's, which makes me concerned that Mal will have nothing to dream about in his future. 

We drove home yesterday, stopping at the Galveston Bagel Company and Hruska's (for kolache) for New Year's Eve snacks. D took great care of the cats, house, and plants while we were gone. And we came home to Christmas gifts for Mal from D and Ace. So thoughtful of them.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Melting Down

Yesterday was Father's Day. In the morning, we'd gotten out our "ironing bead" set for Mal to make something for James.

Mal used the beads to make this all by himself in December 2020. It's the universe.

He'd decided to make a heart, but was having a difficult time actually shaping a heart. So I told him that I would do the outline, and he could fill it in and decorate the rest of the form; then I would iron it, of course.

He added about a half-dozen beads, then left the project. A couple of times throughout the day, I asked him if he wanted to finish it up so I could iron it, but he said he'd do it in the break after church and before he went to the park for a play date. (Our church meets at 4 PM and his friend was going to be at the park around 8 PM... hey, it's really hot in Texas right now, and this is one of the only acceptable times to be outdoors doing movement.)

On the way home from church, Mal remembered his project. He said, "Mom, you're going to have to help me finish it." I told him I was going to iron it. He said, "No, you have to help me put the beads on. I can't do it." I said, "Sure you can. And the gift is from YOU, so you need to do it. I made Dad some tin roof sundae ice cream, and tomorrow morning, I'm making some pumpkin French toast that he wants. Those are my gifts."

Mal got very upset and said, "YOU HAVE TO HELP ME! I'd rather DIE than do it!" I told him that if he were that stressed about it, that he could just not do it and it would be fine. But he insisted that he needed to give his dad something and that it was my responsibility to make sure it got done.

When we got home, he kept bugging me about it, and said he wanted to ask his dad for his opinion. James was outside working on the back lot, but when he got back in, Mal quietly mentioned that he wanted me to finish this project, and wasn't James on his side?

Mal was both surprised and disappointed that James didn't agree with him. But he decided to start on adding more beads. He was complaining to me that he couldn't find any more pink beads. Then he said that he thought the heart was misshapen and he could take 3 beads off of the top of one of the halves and it would look better. After he did that, he realized that it looked very lopsided. So his fix for that was to start over. He dumped the tray off, throwing the beads back into the box. Making the heart in the first place hadn't been easy, and I guess my face conveyed the shock I felt.

He started yelling, "That was YOUR FAULT! All you had to do was say yes you'd help me. But you said no, so YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DID THAT!" 

Mal has this thing about blaming other people for situations he's in. We talk to him about it a lot, and it's very difficult for him. Sometimes, he tries. Sometimes, he'll say, "I want to take responsibility for my actions, so that was my fault." But it has to be low stakes. If it's important to him, negative occurrences are never because of his own decisions.

While he was complaining, James came back into the room. Again, Mal mentioned that he'd rather die than do the thing alone. As I had before, James calmly told him that if he was that stressed about it, he just shouldn't do it and it would be fine. Mal screamed, "But I want to give you something for Father's Day!"

Mal cried, then he kept repeating, "Mom, this is all because of YOU. You were being so mean, and you wouldn't help me, and YOU are the reason that we have to start all over!"

He said it so many times, and I was so tired for him and for me, that I said, "Mal, you need to stop talking about it."

Something snapped. He started shaking and yelled through clenched teeth, "YOU. MAKE. ME. SO. MAD!" He got up from the table and started for his room. "That's it! I am so mad right now, I want to hurt you! You don't care about me, and I don't care about you! I regret every time I told you I love you! I'm going to slam my door, and I'm going to lock it!"

He did slam his door and lock it. Then he yelled from inside, "I'm not even sorry I did that!" A moment later, he opened his door and said, "I am sorry, God, for saying this, but Mom, I hate you! I hate you so much and I am NEVER going to deal with you again!" Then he slammed it again.

He was in there for about 10 minutes and came back out. He was crying and yelling. I tried to go hug him, but he pushed me away and said, "NO! I don't want you!" But then he just started crying like a baby again. I approached him to hug him, and this time, he leaned in and hugged me back. Then he went back in his room and would issue a scathing diatribe every few minutes. 

Fortunately, James took him to the park pretty soon after, and I put the beads away so it wouldn't be a visual reminder.

When they got home, I told Mal that I was very glad he felt free to express his feelings when he was mad. But I also told him that no matter how much he might want to hurt someone when he's mad, he can't do it. I told him not only was is just a bad thing but that it was assault and against the law. He was all breezy and saying, "Oh, of course not. I'm not stupid!" 

It was so intense, and I feel out of my depth for how to help him handle those big feelings. He cries almost every day about SOMETHING, and he often gets SO mad at me for what he thinks are injustices I enact upon him. James and I both try to let him know that we love him no matter what, and in calmer times try to explain to him why the way he's operating isn't sustainable... but, man... parenting is HARD, y'all.

It's the Most Weirdiest Time of This Year

I have started to blog about ten times since I wrote almost a month ago. Kind of a lot is going on, and I have many thoughts about many things, obviously, but also I have quite infrequent moments of sit-and-write focusing that are available to me, plus I'm trying to finish two very good and very historically-detailed books that I don't know why I started concurrently... but there you have it.

We are continuing to be affected only in terms of convenience and normalcy by the coronavirus. My grandma has had to quarantine a couple of times since moving to a nursing home; my grand-nephew's dad was hospitalized and released with COVID; and my cousin, her husband, my aunt, and my uncle all tested positive after Thanksgiving. To my knowledge, everyone is on the mend, so that's good news.

My immediate family traveled over Thanksgiving, but did the same thing on the road as we do at home: masks when briefly inside public areas, and otherwise outdoors or only with our "pod." We drove to Port Aransas, eating common meals outside and each family renting a separate condo. It was a nice getaway.

I know people pooh-pooh "the third coast" as not having "real" beaches, but, man, it works for me.

Since we've been back, we've been taking advantage of outdoor Christmas stuff, such as our city's drive-through Christmas-tree lighting and the Wildflower Center's Luminations. We have tickets for Mozart's Christmas show and the Trail of Lights in Austin (it's drive-through this year, too). 

The other day, I got a little wistful when I saw a red Fiat 500 driving into the McDonald's parking lot... I was thinking, "That could be us, from the past, when we used to just go hang out at McD's so Mal could play and we could enjoy unlimited sodas." We're getting out to parks and meeting friends at places like that, but it'll be nice to get back to some indoor blowing-off-of-steam at some point in the nebulous future. Right now, Mal's regressed to his younger days' "nighttime crazies." He used to get SO active and engage in potentially injurious behavior late at night. He stopped for more than a year, but is back to it. I look forward to being able to pack him up in the car and take him to an indoor playground again. Here's hoping 2021 moves us toward that, sooner rather than later...

Christmas Traditions?

Whew! It's almost 6:00 PM, and I'm finally finished with my day! Merry Christmas, internets!

Do you guys have childhood holiday traditions that you remember fondly? We had a few:

1) We got pajamas (usually matching) on Christmas Eve.

2) We had one present that was open and under the tree on Christmas Day.

3) We weren't allowed to call or visit friends on Christmas at all, unless Christmas fell on a Sunday, in which case we saw people at church because back then, the church of Christ did not cancel services for any reason.

4) We made and left cookies out for Santa.

5) Many years, my dad made fudge from a specific recipe and it had to be done two weeks in advance so it could age to perfection.

My kids? They never know what they're going to get on Christmas.

I love Christmas. I wish I were the kind of person who just went all out on the decorations, inside and out, but I don't for the same reason that I've never just swiped a bunch of stuff off of the mantel and broken it or thrown a water-filled vase at a person during a fight: I think forward to the consequences. And while decking the halls for three days in November might be a lark, removing those festive accoutrements a month later is an absolute bummer. So we do it minimally.

In fact, several years, I've not been able to summon the energy to put up a tree at all. The first year I did this was when D was 1. We'd just gotten back into our house after having rented it out to some people for almost a year, and I was TIRED.

I thought that was a festive enough display, but my sister said it bummed her out. We did go see a lot of Christmas decorations that year, and it was cool. But I was too emotionally exhausted to do more than the above that year.

The next couple of times I didn't put up a tree, I made up for it with paper I could easily recycle after the holiday.

This is 2009:

And then 2014:

Sometimes we're traveling on Christmas. Like in 2008 when we were in Atlanta, or in 2011 when D and I went to Las Vegas, or 2015 when we all visited Flagstaff. We usually open presents on Christmas Day. And I typically make some kind of treat, often holiday-themed.

Yes, I built this design from scratch.

James, D, and I made these together on Christmas Day 2013. It took a village. 

But otherwise, we don't really have a "thing." No Elf on the Shelf. No consistent practices.

Except there is kind of one thing that has become a bit of a "usual." It is true right now. More often than not, I have my decorations down and put away by the end of the day on December 25.

"What?!" you ask. "Scrooge!" you accuse.

No. I just hate having outstanding items on my "to do" list. Actually, I hear a lot of people grouse about having to take their tree down. For me, I just use that Christmas energy and momentum of putting presents in their new homes to keep working until it's ALL done. When D was little, and with Mal now, they've been occupied with new toys. It's the perfect time.

Hopefully I'm teaching my kids by example to go with the flow, and not to feel pressured to perform any holiday activity that they don't want. Sounds good, right??

Isn't It Bedtime Yet?

You guys, I'm tired.

We had a great time on vacation, and I was so pleased how well D kept up with everything while we were gone. We took it pretty slow Monday and Tuesday, though Mal and I met some friends at McDonald's one of those days.

Then on Wednesday, Nana came to stay with Mal while D and I got out to do some errands for a couple of hours. It had been raining pretty severely when  there was a little break in the storm. D had been planning on taking care of the pigeons before we left, but I decided that since it might be pouring again pretty quickly, I'd go out and switch out their water and make sure their food was full.

When I stepped outside, I saw something pretty substantial out on the flight deck. It actually looked a bit like a palm frond. It had been windy, but there are no palms anywhere near here. I asked aloud, "What do you guys have in there?" Then I realized: it was part of one of our newer birds.

It was horrifying. I listened but didn't hear anything in the loft, but still... whatever had killed the bird might still be in there. I called our local police, asked for animal control, found out we don't have any, but an officer came by, anyway. He had me stand back while he opened the door with his billy club at the ready.

There was nothing inside. It had gotten back out. There were no signs of life, and I saw enough very briefly to know that I didn't want to see any more.

In time, we'd learn this was definitely a raccoon, and their violent mauling of birds (chickens, ducks, etc.) is definitely a well-known occurrence in our area.

Oh, how every single person in our family cried that day. Multiple times. It was such a team effort to process our feelings and still take care of business. I cleaned up the flight deck just so the carnage wouldn't be visible. I told both kids, and I held them as they cried.

James came home early and collected what he could of the birds to put in a box, then dug a hole. D sat by the hole for a while before they filled it back in. James gathered everything else up in the tarp and threw it away, then I power-washed what was left.

At the end of the day, I realized that we'd both done a great job of managing and handing off and doing things, but we both went to bed without having really checked in with each other. We were all so sad; it's hard to think about everyone else's feelings when you're reeling, too.

Since then, I've just felt exhausted. I sleep okay, but wake up and am tired still. I guess it's grief?

Then there's the meat thing. We're kind of all off of poultry (except Mal, but in his defense, nuggets don't much resemble actual birds). For who knows how long. Which sucks, because I've been trying to avoid beef much, since it's such an environmental drain. So I guess we're left with pork? James and I could be vegetarian, but D likes, or has liked, meat. We're just... the memory is too vivid.

Today, James and I had taken Mal to the park for a while. It was a gorgeous day. Lots of people there had dogs, and many were off-leash, which is against the local ordinances. A small dog ran up to a leashed/harnessed big dog, and that big dog picked him right up and almost killed him. They got the small dog away from the big dog, and took it to an emergency vet... but, it was like PTSD. I'm OVER animal-on-animal violence. And those poor people with the leashed dog... they had to leave. Their day was ruined. And they did nothing wrong. It makes me even more vigilant about letting the cats out, because I CANNOT HANDLE ANYTHING ELSE.

This was Mother's Day, and as days go, it was pretty nice. I went to see "The Hustle" alone, but that wasn't a Mother's Day gift. It couldn't be, because James goes to movies fairly regularly, when it isn't Father's Day or his birthday or anything.

There's a lot of lead-up to and then social media performance of appreciating moms, to the point that it feels like a competition. Well, I'm not playing. I love my mom, and I know my family loves me. It's exhausting, all of the "Mother's Day might be hard for you, so here's to the people whose moms are gone, and who don't have a relationship with their mom, or who might want to be moms and aren't, or who have lost children, or who don't want to be moms at all and feel devalued by society." Ugh. If people want to celebrate their moms, cool. If they don't or can't, then okay. But it's just... so big.

Have I mentioned that I'm tired?

Last week, I guess Mal needed to make up for lost time on vacation, so we went to Chuck E. Cheese Friday morning, then Little Land Friday afternoon; and Catch Air Saturday morning.

This morning, Mal didn't want to go to church with me, he wanted to go to breakfast with James (which is James's Sunday morning tradition). That was cool, and I got to actually pay attention during church, but then Mal had told James he wanted to go to Taco Cabana, but they somehow ended up at McDonald's, where Mal both wanted to play and was super bummed that they weren't serving French fries yet. That sounds about right.

We have a guy coming out Tuesday to start working on our porch. We're getting some rotting planks replaced, and then getting the porch repainted and some of the timber re-stained. It needs to be done, and we have budgeted for it, but I'm super wound up about money right now. For no real reason. I think it just feels like I should be uptight about everything for a while.

I'm sure this has been uplifting, so I'll leave you to go enjoy the headiness.

Fall Weekend Craziness

For the next few weeks, our calendar is a mess of activities and celebrations here and there, sometimes overlapping. This weekend was a super busy one, but lots of fun.

James still has a lot of appointments for phone screens, is doing homework for potential employers, etc. But a nice break on Thursday was the annual Jonestown community Thanksgiving meal. Mal and I smelled the turkeys grilling on our walk to the library for storytime. Lunch was, conveniently, right after storytime. James was off of a call in time to meet us. It was quite the spread, and we got to enjoy it with a couple of our kiddo friends, too.

He was pretty jazzed about the... icing.

Held at the fire station. We didn't linger because our seats were needed by others! Lots of neighbors.

Later that day, I received a big box set of music I'd ordered and paid for in January. Bonus: Mal is loving it, too! That makes two out of two of my kids who appreciate Weird Al.

Friday, we had a mostly quiet day, but ended it at the lake with a spectacular sunset, and got to see a pair of heron and a pair of geese in flight. It was amazing.

Saturday, Mal and I got up and drove into Austin for the annual Chuy's Christmas parade. It was one of those days with some missteps, but overall a great time. It started by Waze not remembering that there were road closures until it'd had me overshoot an exit, so I had to drive around for more than 15 minutes, even when I was within a mile of the garage where I was supposed to park. THEN I realized that the street where the entrance was located was closed several blocks in both directions, and I'd already paid for parking.

As I parked in a street lot where I usually park for the Driskell cookie exchange, I was able to call the company to get my money back. But then it turned out that one of the two pay machines was broken, and so we had to wait about 20 minutes in line to pay at the kiosk.

Since I'm a chronically early person, we got over to the parade route about 5 minutes before it started, and since this is Austin, there weren't a lot of people waiting. At first, Mal was intimidated by the noise, but later he got REALLY excited. Especially when the 501st Legion showed up.

After the parade, we walked over to the Four Seasons, to check out the gingerbread village, as usual. Only I forgot that the Christmas parade was a couple of weekends earlier than usual this year, so the cookies weren't out yet. However, we did have a serendipitous moment when we rounded the block to get there, in that all of the superheroes from the parade had gathered for a photo op.

Then we walked over (by the way, when I say "we walked" I mean I pushed Mal in a stroller; we covered over 3 street miles, and it's much easier that way!) to the new Central Library to check it out and to see the Brownies.

It's cool and beautiful and huge and all of that. I'm kind of glad we had Faulk a little smaller and a little closer by when we lived there. It was more accessible for daily use, in terms of being easily navigable and riding my bike down pretty quickly.

Next, we walked to Turf & Surf Po' Boy for lunch. It was SO loud, attached to a street bar where people were watching the UT/maybe West Virginia game. UT was winning, so there was much rejoicing. But that Hipster vegetable sandwich was banging. I had to use a new napkin with every bite.

SPORT YELLING!

After that, Mal and I went to Toy Joy (the Brownies had already been) and to Yummi Joy for some sweets. Then we walked back to the car and headed back home.

A few of thoughts from visiting downtown: 1) It was so much easier getting around down there when we could walk or ride bikes. Parking during a special event is a pain in the rear.

2) The Taco Cabana that was right beside our house is closed. So is the McDonald's across the street. That leaves Tiff's Treats, Cane's, Chick-fil-A, and Domino's right there within a few hundred feet, but I wonder what happened to those other two places. Would have been a bummer to live behind a vacant restaurant. Maybe. The process of whatever they make it into next might have been cool. Or it might have been awful.

3) There is a new Target store in the Dobie residential building on campus. We could see it from our window, though it is about a two- to three-block walk. That might have been dangerous to our budget.

4) I forget about homeless people sometimes, living out here. The first one I saw was walking around the parking lot, barefooted, asking for money. While we were waiting in line to pay, the guy in line in front of me asked him what size shoe he wore. He told him, and the guy said, "I have small feet, but I have an extra pair of work boots in my truck, if you want them." The homeless man said, "Oh, I have shoes." He pulled them out of his backpack. "I just broke my toe, and my foot won't fit in the shoes. I probably couldn't get them into boots at all. But it's getting better. I should be able to wear my shoes again soon." Oh, his toe did not look better. I don't have insurance, but at least if I break my toe, I have options. I can't imagine walking around town like that. I was glad it's getting cooler so the sidewalks won't be like stovetops. Plus, being barefoot in public is such a giveaway that something is amiss. And what a generous offer, and a good example for me to see.

Then as we were driving out of town, I saw a guy walking north toward 6th street on San Jacinto. He was waving around like he was swatting at flies or trying to hit someone, and he was yelling. It reminded me of the man who frequented the alley behind the Nuthaus. I considered calling the police because it seemed like this guy was in distress and, like many of the homeless people down there, he'd clearly been in a few fights. But half a block away, I saw a motorcycle officer and hoped he'd notice the dude and maybe he could get some help. It's so overwhelming.

5) Austin is weird, and it's pretty great. D and I once saw a guy at Chick-fil-A (which was only a drive-through and outdoor dining area) waiting for food with a tiny striped kitten on a lead sitting on his shoulder like a bird or lizard. Saturday, I saw this guy. They made me smile.

Okay, there were THOUSANDS of people lining Congress. My cats might have stayed on my shoulder for security, but there would have been claw injuries involved. This cat was just super chill. And so pretty. And look at that beautiful tail.

I'd thought that I might mow when we got home, but after all of the activity in the strong wind, I was done. It was great, though, because the morning started off hot, and you could tell that the gusts were getting cooler and then colder. So it was totally worth the sand in the eyes and the hurricane hair.

Sunday morning, Mal and I went to church, as usual. He had been super excited all week about the teacher's promise that she'd let him pick whether they played inside or outside, so opted to go into childcare the whole time, rather than staying with me in the sanctuary until after the children's message. So I got to sit with the congregation, like a real person, instead of at a table in the back, where Mal can eat his doughnut and run around like the crazy person he is.

After church, we quickly headed home because I had a big date!

Last year, we learned about the first annual Mac and Cheese festival too late. Tickets had sold out! So this time, I snatched a pair the hour they went on sale. Dad and Mom came down to stay with Mal, and were already home when I got here.

So, here's the deal: That junk was off the chain. That said, I don't want macaroni and cheese again until maybe next year. I told D about it, and so we might have a third wheel in 2019. Because there are so many pictures, I'm keeping them small. You can click if you really need the food porn.

I had to stop after the 13th booth, and I only ate a bite of the last two or three because I was stuffed. James stopped after 15, having eaten a couple of mine. We did actually bring that last ball and the lobster mac home because we were dying. We didn't hit probably 8 more booths! It was crazy. In fact, we didn't taste the one that ended up winning guests' choice at all!

When we got home from that, I was stuffed and all hopped up on carbs and PMS hormones, and it was 7 degrees cooler than the same time the day before, so it was the PERFECT opportunity to mow. Not the whole yard, but we had some persistent weeds. Hopefully, now I get a break of a couple of months.

However, I got a lot more done yesterday and this morning, as I tend to manically nest this time of the month. After I mowed, I swept the porch (700 square feet) and hosed it all down, as Mal has been playing with the fireplace ash. Then I hosed down the cars because they were embarrassingly dusty.

I came in and vacuumed the chairs and couch, oh, and I found a t-shirt wedged in between the couch back and bottom, which apparently James's brother left 7-ish years ago or more. Yeah, at that point, I'd put on gloves because I was scared of what I would find. I also found a little pillow Mal's grandma made him when he was a baby.

Today, I did my Monday chores (bathrooms and kitchen), plus my Tuesday vacuuming chore, plus a few bonus things like taking all of the magnets off of the fridge and wiping it down, tightening the toilet seats, picking up groceries... oh. And we got the limited-time Reuben from Subway. It tastes like a sub. The "rye" is so mild, you'd be hard-pressed to know it was rye bread. The corned beef... tastes like roast beef mostly. Even the sauerkraut doesn't have a vinegary bite. It's just... fine. But not a good Reuben at all. Now we want a deli Reuben. Where can we get that in this area? CAN we get that in this area?

So that was is. Mal is watching Cars 2 for the last time before our rental expires at 8. and that reminds me that I need to renew the movies he checked out from the library, because our rental period for DVDs is THREE DAYS. Nuts.

Done.

Finally, yesterday, I Googled, "Three meals to make Thanksgiving week," and the first return was this. So we're having pasta tonight, and I'm going to get started on that sauce now. Have a great week!