"Fun" medical week

Do you ever have one of those weeks where it feels like the only time you are sitting down is when you're driving? Last week was one of those weeks!

Tuesday was normal; we had our homeschool meet-up at the library then went down to the park. We had Mal's dental stuff scheduled for Thursday, and I'd had to change a dental appointment of mine to later the same day, so Nana and Pappy agreed to come down and spend a few hours with Mal as he woke up, shook off the anesthesia, and got used to his new mouth stuff.

However, Wednesday afternoon, just as I was getting ready to take Mal to a different homeschool meet-up, D came in complaining of severe abdominal pain. This was the third time it's happened, way beyond just a stomach-ache, and the general physician had told D to go to urgent care/ER next time. So I took D to our in-network E/R but had to drop off and drive over to the transmission garage where our bigger car had been for a week.

The transmission was out and needed to be replaced, but the replacement would cost a couple of thousands of dollars more than I paid for the vehicle several years ago, so we were donating it to our local NPR station. We'd left it at the garage because James noted that if Mal had to watch the car get hooked up to a tow truck and driven off from our driveway, he'd have a breakdown. The tow company was coming to get the vehicle at 1:00 PM on Wednesday, so I had to get the title to the transmission place before they got there.

D had several tests run, was given some pain meds, and a couple of prescriptions, as well as a referral to a G/I. We had to pick up groceries on the way home, so it ended up being the whole day. 

Thursday, we had to be in Bastrop (which is an hour away with no traffic, so arrival at 8:15 AM was a slog through rush "hour" Austin) super early. Mal was fine until we actually headed back to the room, and he managed to put up a very good fight against four adults: James, the dental hygienist, the anesthesiologist, and me. His physical strength almost matches his strong will, so it took a while for him to nod off. 

Two baby teeth pulled, two missing caps replaced (and nerve treatments for those two teeth, since they'd been exposed for two and three years), two existing caps removed and replaced, one new cap on a baby tooth, two small holes (no obvious dental caries yet) on 6-year molars packed with white filling, and dental sealant on remaining molars. Whew!

Mal actually woke up in the office after the procedure. He was loopy, but aware. When he went under anesthesia at the age of 4, he just slept for five or so hours afterwards. 

We got him out to the car, and his biggest complaint, besides that it felt like everything was spinning, was that we'd reclined him in the front seat, and he's not supposed to be in the front seat.

Waking up (kind of) on the way home

We got home about the same time that Nana and Pappy got here. I fed them lunch, then had to go to my appointment for the second half of my deep cleaning. It was very anticlimactic compared to Mal's morning, and he was awake and himself the entire time his grandparents were here.

Friday morning, we had a kind of last-minute trip to the vet for Carol, who we realized during the week was using the bath mat as a replacement litter box. The vet determined that she likely has a UTI and put her on antibiotics. D had the idea that maybe Carol doesn't like our Modkat top-entry litter boxes (blasphemy!), so I bought her a *shudder* open litter box (it does have some privacy panels, but the front is easy-entry) and... D was right. Between the meds (which James and D are administering like pros), the new litter box, and an investment in puppy training pads, things have gotten substantially less frustrating for everyone. Well, maybe except for the medication administration, which Carol does not appreciate at all.

Friday afternoon, Mal had his bi-weekly play date at Urban Air. While we were there, a severe storm moved through the area, so that was dramatic. Fortunately, I don't think there was any damage, and, as always, we can use the rain.

Saturday, I was determined not to go ANYWHERE. Mal was "bored" but I loved it, and he ended up thinking of a lot of stuff to play. Sunday, we had our morning play date at McDonald's with his friend, Ryan, then stayed home the rest of the time. It was super awesome not to have any unpleasant surprises or medical appointments. 

Monday, Mal met with a speech therapist/feeding specialist to address the fact that he just doesn't want to eat a variety of foods. We'd made the appointment back in October but they're really backed up. It was kind of frustrating -- we had to wait more than half an hour after our appointment time, the session itself was an hour and a half, and she suggested several things that I am unwilling to do as I feel that they interfere with intuitive eating -- and interesting -- Mal has a mild sensory processing disorder, we should get him an electric toothbrush just to desensitize his mouth to new/unique sensations, and that studies have shown that if a child will put a food in their palm, they are likely to eat it.

I feel like we have some good starting points, but will likely not go back. They want one meeting a week, and for a half day, including the 40 minute drive there and home, it's just not worth it. Also, obviously, for any therapy to work, there has to be patient buy-in. It will shock you to know that Mal's just not that into it. Finally, I could tell in the intake paperwork that some of the people they help have a lot bigger issues than Mal does, and I don't want to take up an appointment that could be used by someone who genuinely just won't or can't eat.

Monday night, James and I voted (sorry LISD, but our property taxes are already ridiculously high, and it seems like your schools are pretty impressive without the three new bonds) then went to pick up food we'd ordered from Piroshky Piroshky Bakery in Seattle. Apparently, they have come down to Austin annually for a few years but this was the first I'd heard of it. Holy cow, were those things good.

D has a routine medical appointment later this week, then I think we're done with doctors and dentists for a bit. I hope so. We've blown through our dental insurance this year. Plus, you know, it's my preference that humans and felines in this house feel good and are doing well.

Let's all keep our fingers crossed for a boring week, people! 

Asking for Help (dental version)

Apparently, April is the month of dental work here at Team Dave's.

D got taken care of last year, but this is THE time for the rest of us.

First, Mal has a couple of teeth coming in fully in his soft palate. He's had "shark teeth" before, but they were always right behind the baby tooth, which eventually fell out. One of these top teeth has been emerging (and is fully in) for months. Mal has been wiggling the baby tooth for probably a year (because it's infected and likely has been ever since he got dental work done when he was 4 and they capped it without getting all of the rot out, thanks so much, jerks) and it's just not budging. When the second tooth started coming in, that was all we needed to take him down to our awesome dentist in south Austin. It's a 45 minute drive but they're SO good with him.

In fact, Mal let them use the electric polisher to clean his teeth for the first time! In two weeks, he's scheduled for full anesthesia so they can pull these two baby teeth (one is so small that I'm afraid his gums are going to grow over it), fix his effed up caps from several years ago (thanks so much, jerks), fill one adult tooth cavity, and two baby teeth cavities. Whew. This boy brushes religiously twice a day, and he flosses at night. He's just going to have "those" teeth, I think.

As a child, D brushed only at night, never flossed, and never had a cavity. After not having ANY dental care for about 10 years, they only had two small cavities and everything else was fine after a good cleaning. Some of us just get easier teeth than others.

Meanwhile, James had mentioned that it felt like one of his fillings was falling out. He hasn't been to a dentist since 1995. So we had an appointment scheduled here in town, but then not only did his filling come out, but his whole tooth crumbled. We were able to find an emergency appointment at a slightly-less-nearby office, where he's been now several times. First, they got the tooth and a second one cleared out and fitted with temporary crowns. Then he had to go back in to have the permanent crowns put on. He went back for a deep cleaning, then the next day for the second half of that.

Although we have dental insurance, a pretty good amount of this is still out-of-pocket. In fact, we have to pay in full for Mal's anesthesia, then we'll submit a bill for reimbursement to our insurance a couple of weeks after the procedure.

This morning, I had an appointment to establish care with the same dentist James went to. It hasn't been as long as James, but I think the last time I went to the dentist, D was about 5 years old. So 16ish years. I can tell my mouth is aging, but I don't have any pain or complaints.

After a bunch of photos and gum evaluation, I need a few things: First, I need the two-appointment deep cleaning, as well. Some plaque has gotten down under my gums and it can result in bone loss (James has some; not sure about me) if you let it stay down there. Like they won't do a regular cleaning until we get all of that out. Also, four of my molars that have fillings (I got them when I was maybe 12 or 13) are cracked, and one of my other molars has a cavity. The dentist said that two of my existing fillings are the priority, as well as the cavity. But the other two, we can do later.

I explained to them that we've exhausted our dental budget for the year. James has literally run out of coverage just in the couple of weeks that he's had to have intense stuff done. Between all of this and our recent notice that our mortgage is going up $265 a month (don't get me started on property taxes in this state), we're just maxed out. I know I need this stuff done, but...

And here's the cool thing about being honest and open: The front office did some things: 1) They said I could make 4 payments instead of doing it all at once. 2) They will start billing in May, even though I'm having the two-part cleaning done this month. 3) They're taking $200 off of one of the fillings.

I know it's all messed up how expensive medical care is, and especially dentistry, which just isn't fully covered by any insurance I've ever had or seen. But they wouldn't have offered solutions if I hadn't asked. Most offices have a sign up that says "Payment in full is expected at time of service."

So that takes a little of the pressure off, which is cool.

In other news, I got a referral to an oral surgeon because of some differently-pigmented areas in my mouth. I get to get those biopsied soon, which will be covered by medical insurance but, bleh. 

A parallel universe where Mal's teeth are drama-free?

This week, I was listening to the This American Life podcast, which was about alternate universes. There's a theory that basically every time any decision is made, or something happens, a parallel universe (or more) is created where other options happened.

On Easter weekend, Mal mentioned the tooth where the cap fell off last year "tickling" when he chewed apples on that side. So, dang it, I had to make an appointment with a dentist to get it checked out.

This happened just as we realized Rudy had lost a tooth, and needed dental surgery. For him, it turned out fine. He had about 8 teeth pulled, he'd already lost 5 or 6, and now he only has maybe 12 left. Fortunately, even toothless cats can eat kibble, so now that he's all healed up, he is back to normal. This whole thing led us to a new vet, which ended up being an absolute blessing in disguise. His normal vet couldn't schedule the surgery until May 13, and I found another one who could do it the following week. Turns out, this new vet is AMAZING.

But I digress...

This is supposed to be about Malcolm's mouth.

We went to a new dentist, and I had mentioned these items of concern: 1) the tooth with the cap that fell off, 2) the tooth with the cap that is tearing up, and 3) a cavity (that's about two years old) on one of his upper molars.

They managed to get a few x-rays, but Mal was crying the whole time. When it came time to look at his teeth, he was still hysterical. The dentist was fine, but came in, looked in his mouth, and printed out a treatment plan that did not include the newish cavity, nor did she mention it. Granted, Mal was freaking out, but it seemed like an important thing to note. She also didn't seem to know he'd had a cap that fully fell off, because she was assuming his tooth was flat because he grinds his teeth, even though that information was definitely in his paperwork and I mentioned it. She said that if Mal wouldn't drink a sedative (and he won't; James and I plan to get him some therapy soon for his phobia of new experiences, sounds, flavors, textures, etc.), we'd need to do anesthesia, like we did the first time.

Unlike the first dentist's office, they did not have in-office anesthesia. (Also unlike the first dentist's office, they might actually do a good job?) So the procedure would be to book an OR at Dell Children's. Mal would have to get a physical from his pediatrician stating that he was okayed for anesthesia. Then he would have to have a Covid test two days before the work. Also, he'd be wheeled back fully awake instead of having us there to help him go under. 

This sounded like a nightmare to me.

So, in another universe, I just took a deep sigh and went along with it, because I don't want my kid's grownup teeth to be damaged.

In THIS universe, however, I decided to get a second opinion. I told the dentist's office that I was going to do that, so wasn't going to schedule the procedure. I'd talked in the past to my sister about her kids' dentist, and I read the reviews.

They include things like, "My child has Down's syndrome, and they're so good about working with him," "My daughter has anxiety about the dentist, but they filled a cavity and she never even felt it." Thing is, I've read these glowing reviews about many dentists, and have never had the kind of magical experience they're describing.

But then, we did.

We checked in from the car ('cause Covid), then the dental assistant, T, met us at the front door to check our temperatures. Mal had to go to the bathroom first thing, then we went back to the examination room. Mal was the same level of panicked as he had been at the first office, but T just chatted with him and let him relax. They talked about the goodies he could pick from when he was done, and about his other dentist's visit. 

She tried to get him to let her clean his teeth with the polisher, and let him feel the tip with his hand. When she turned it on, he recoiled, so she opened up the toothbrush he was bringing home with him and asked him what flavor of toothpaste he wanted.

He assured her that he only likes his own toothpaste, but when he found out that they had watermelon, decided to try it. It was red, unlike his, which is green, and it had grit in it. He definitely didn't like the thought of the grit, but, again, she just took so much time and brought so much joy to it that he eventually let her brush AND FLOSS his teeth. He also had to go to the restroom two more times during the visit (his doctor said this is nothing to worry about and he'll grow out of it).

When the dentist came in, she examined his teeth and he let her do a fluoride treatment! The only time he's ever had that before was when he was under anesthesia!

In the end, here's what she said: 1) The cap-off tooth doesn't have a cavity, and she's not worried about it. 2) The cap-broken tooth also doesn't have a cavity, and except that it looks uncomfortable, she doesn't see a need to remove and replace it. But if he gets calm enough, she might eventually try to smooth it out a little bit (like I've done with a glass nail file... because that's how we roll around here). 3) The hole in his upper molar isn't "dental caries," meaning it's a hole but there's no decay. He has a small cavity between that tooth and the one behind it, but she doesn't think it requires intervention at this point.

She did notice that one of his front teeth, which is loose, seems to be infected under the gum and she wants to make sure it doesn't interfere with the adult tooth, which is in place and ready to emerge. I told her we'd work on wiggling it out over the next month. The first dentist did not notice or mention this at all. And it goes a long way in explaining why that tooth looks so gray; I've always just assumed it was the crappy cap the other dentist put on a couple of years ago. It slipped a bit after about a year, and I guess that gave room for something to get in. Ugh.

Anyway, the experience was AWESOME and we scheduled another appointment for next month to get his new molars sealed. The dentist said, "If we only get one done, that's fine. We like to give them little successes, so they feel good about coming to the dentist's."

Mal was really hyper and vacillated between terrified child and stand-up comedian the whole time we were there. As we were wrapping things up, he told the doctor, "No offense, but I like her [pointing to the hygienist] style better." The assistant gave him a fist bump, and the dentist said, "The honesty..."

I'm very hopeful now, which is something I haven't been ever in the history of Mal's life with dentistry. I'm glad we're in the universe we're in rather than the alternate one where I spend the next six weeks stressed about a hospital procedure. Folks who have kids with chronic health issues have far more emotional stamina than I can imagine. 

More of the Same

A few mights ago, Mal was eating Doritos right before bedtime. When he was done, it was time to brush his teeth; he complained that a chip was stuck in his tooth. A bit later, when they were done, James told me he couldn't see the chip. Mal said it was still bothering him. My extreme myopia involves not only very weak far-out vision, but extremely clear close-in vision. I pulled Mal into the light to look... and it wasn't a chip. The second of his four metal caps had a hole in it, but unlike the first one, it didn't fall out. It was just sitting open like someone had opened up a tin can by stabbing it repeatedly with a dull knife.

Since it was midnight, I knew we weren't doing anything that night, but he definitely had sharp edges and wouldn't be able to sleep with it like that. So I did something I am not recommending to anyone because it's stupid, but I've done it to myself on my natural teeth and it was pretty effective: I got a glass nail file and started smoothing out the edges. I was able to make some progress, and asked Mal if he could live with it. "No." So I did some more, and also pushed down the part that had pulled back, hoping it might rest in the natural valley of the molar. Can you live with it like this? "No." Finally, I asked Mal to bite down. He did, then said, "That was a clean bite!"

Whew!

THEN two days later. he just didn't poop. The next day (yesterday), either. Understand this: Every single day since late May, James and/or I have sat in the restroom with Mal for at least 20 minutes, and up to an hour and a half. Every single day. Reminding him to push. Chatting. Encouraging. Keeping him focused. And this is after his never ever in his life ever just saying, "I need to go poop!" and doing it. We cannot take a mental break from this. We can't give him a day off of trying so hard. We can't stop trying so hard. We simply cannot relax because even with our vigilance, his body just decides to stop moving every few weeks.

Yes, I know some of this might be because he just doesn't know or doesn't pay attention to cues. It might be that he's just immature in that way. But it's such a freaking chore, and it makes me both angry that I have a 6-year-old who has literally never wiped himself, and also in complete awe of parents who have kids with actual chronic health issues.

We don't want him to end up like this poor Texas kid from a millennium ago, though, so on we plod. He still gets Mirilax every day. When the flow starts winding down, I move to PediaLax (the Equate brand is NOT watermelon-flavored, though it purports to be; Mal says it's mint and he can barely down it... it's just as effective, though, and it's all that Walmart had, so... sigh). We've learned that 2 PediaLax twice over a 24-hour period seems to work pretty effectively. ExLax doesn't do a dang thing, though he enjoys taking them. Well, it does give him a stomach ache. No positive results, though. And I'm trying to avoid the magnesium citrate, which he's now taken FOUR TIMES this year. That's gotta be rough on the old GI tract.

I've mentioned this, but I'll reiterate: So many things are SO DIFFICULT with Mal. Why are his teeth crap? And why then did we choose a dentist whose work is crap? And why can't he just crap? CRAP.

That said, the other day we came in from an errand and Mal was chatting with me. It took me back to not too long ago, when every time we came in from a trip out, Mal was in tears because he just did not deal well with transitions. I'd picture our peaceful home, D enjoying having the bedroom door open and James napping or working quietly... then this aural storm taking over. Every single time. 

I'm trying to remember that a lot of the hard things we dealt with early on that have improved over time. Surely this stuff will, too? 

Anyway, here's a really cute picture of this really awesome little kid... 

Further (Non)Adventures in Dentistry, and also Homeschooling

In case you're wondering, Mal has not lost his tooth yet. Nor has he gone to the dentist. It got loose enough that I canceled a tentative appointment I had scheduled for yesterday.

I have a friend who'd highly recommended her kids' dentist, saying that her older child is a lot like Mal, and that they managed to fill his cavities without his really even noticing. I looked them up, though, and they had a lot of 5-star reviews, and a fair number (maybe a third) of 1-star reviews. A couple of the 1-star reviews said things like, "The technician was taking x-rays and wanted my child to get her tongue out of the way, but wasn't explaining it in a way that a 6-year-old could understand. Instead, she got impatient and shoved her tongue out of the way. My daughter didn't say anything, but had silent tears pouring down her cheeks." Uh, hard pass for that one.

I found a closer dentist with all 5-star reviews, save one who was charged by his insurance more than he expected for an extraction, and I'll deal with surprise billings all day long over having my kid's trauma at the dentist's office magnified by personnel who don't deal well with children. The receptionist was extremely kind, and I'll take Mal in eventually. If I didn't think his tooth would fall out on its own, I would do it now. But the COVID waiver we had to sign, specifically noting how dentistry uses spray that creates more water droplets and therefore increases the risks, gave me pause about visiting for a non-emergent situation.

In other news, we've visited Lakewood Park a few times since we went to the grand opening. Mal told me yesterday that it's "my new favorite park!" We met a homeschool family there one of the days, and... Maybe it's just having been home for so long with just a simpatico family, but, man, people are a lot.

Since we've been social distancing (which has now been in excess of 6 months, for those of you reading this in the future who do not have the context that all of the present-day pandemic-weary readers have), there have been two times that I've just thought, "WHY. Why do I need to know people?" And the real reason for now is that I want Mal to have friends, and without my driving and organizing, that won't happen.

But in one case, a child's adult caregiver said something to me that was SUPER racist. I, of course, immediately pushed back on the idea, and in time this person acknowledged the mistake. But good grief! I know this person and cannot believe that's truly how they think. Or thought? Hopefully it's in the past now.

Then another time, it was with a newish friend Mal was making, and Mal was playing well with both the younger daughter and the son. At one point, he wanted to go into the girl's room, and she didn't want him to. He complained to me, and I said, "That's fine. Just play in his room." And the parent said, "You wouldn't want to play in there, anyway. It's just a bunch of girl toys." I noticed that the girl had a Peppa Pig camper van, which also has. 

Later, I overheard Mal say something like, "That makes you sound like a girl!" I remarked to the parent, "He will say things like that, and I'm always on him with, 'What does a girl "sound like"?'" Then the parent said, "Oh, I always show them girl and boy stuff because I don't want them to be... you know..." Now, I know what I thought might be coming, and it was not this: "Gay." I almost exploded laughing. I wanted to say, "That's not how it works!" or "You don't get to choose that!" But then I was immediately saddened because I realized that it would be very hard to have our children grow up together with such divergent views on gender roles and child autonomy.

Or maybe I'm just too emotionally spent to put out any further energy on dealing with people I don't have to deal with.

Which brings us back to the family we met with last week. 

They were very focused on academic achievement. VERY. The things that their objectively adorable and bright child said made it clear that excelling in this area is a badge of honor in their household. Also, the child mentioned to me that the parents do not allow one of Mal's favorite shows to be viewed in their home. Wheee. Fun.

Fortunately, these kids AND their moms get along just fine.

I definitely want to have a variety of friends who don't necessarily think exactly like I do or believe the same things I believe. But here are some things I have problems with: First off, excluding anyone out-of-hand isn't okay. And I don't want to talk negatively about others, especially in front of kids. Like, cool that the way you're doing things works for you and your child is thriving. We can talk about that. But I don't want to talk about how miserably the public schools are failing everyone, because they're a great choice for a lot of parents and kids. Public schools can be good, and private schools can be good, and homeschooling can be good. It's not a zero-sum game. 

Secondly, the way you school, and the way you eat, and the amount of hands-on/hands-off parenting you do, etc. is all great. I'm glad it's working for you! But I also don't want to judge other people or feel judged because I'd be nervous if my kid climbed up an open-air 40-foot structure that was not intended to be climbed, or because I brought soda instead of water, or because I do not care at all that my son just misspelled "egg" aloud. Whatever. I'm not going to look down on anyone because of what they're wearing, or what their hair looks like, or the fact that their elementary-aged child still doesn't know how to tie a shoe.

I don't assume that I have the parenting thing cornered, or the schooling thing cornered. But I know myself, and I know my kids, and I know what works best for us. It's true that I breastfed longer than "normal" and that my friend who decided that once her kids turned 4 that she was out of the butt-wiping game would be horrified to know how much help Mal still needs in the restroom. He also has, as you well know, some "issues." But he also refuses to "learn" how to brush his teeth. And it's not like we can just say, "Fine, then; we just won't do it." Because I'm concerned enough about dental decay and neglect that I'll brush his teeth until he's 8, if I have to. That's my choice because of our circumstances, and maybe that seems repellant to others (it would have to me 10 years ago, too!), but... we're all on our own journey, and I'm not going to look upon with disdain parents who are choosing to send their kids to school where they have to wear masks all day and be exposed to "noxious chemicals." We're all trying our best!

That's it. I just don't have patience to deal with creating arbitrary hierarchies where the choices I or a group of which I am a part are making happen to be at the top of that structure, with everyone else well below. And sometimes it takes several times of meeting and conversing for that to pop up, but sometimes it's just right there on the surface. Those are a lot easier.

To end on a positive note, I'm super grateful for two friends I have, one a parent and one not, who like to talk about ideas and about getting better and about being humane and gentle with each other.

Now I have to go because Mal wants to flip over me because the phrase "almost 50" means nothing to him. 

The Trials and Tribulations of Mal's Teeth

Catching you up: Mal had a couple of cavities that involved 4 teeth, and so in January 2019, he went under anesthesia to have them fixed. He is an absolute wreck at the dentist, and would never let them examine his teeth too closely, much less actually clean them. I had been concerned about the anesthesia part, but it went very well.

The dentistry? It sucked. They ended up putting silver caps on all 4 of his bottom molars (two teeth didn't have decay, but I guess they were trying to pre-empt damage?), and his top two front teeth had roughly-tooth-colored treatments.

Problem was, the front teeth quickly discolored. They're yellowish and just unattractive. About a year ago, the right one appears to have slipped loose just a little, but it's still hanging on. Then in early 2020, one of the silver caps got a hole in it and fell out!

As I've mentioned, we have issues with the dentist, so we just decided to brush and try to keep any decay at bay. It was a tooth that didn't have existing decay, although now it has "cavities" in it, as they drilled a couple of holes, and who knows what they were thinking... 

Anyway, his mouth area is pretty dicey and we live in fear that he'll have a problem that requires professional intervention, because... it's just a whole big thing and I hate it so very much.

There have been a couple of times recently when Mal has complained that we were hurting his teeth in the back when we brushed; one of them is on the cap-less side. After a week or so of trying to figure out what to do, we realized that his 6-year-molars are coming in and the pain was probably from teething.

One tooth erupted, on the opposite side of the tooth that lost the cap. We're watching the other side.

Then guess what? Yesterday, Mal told us, "I have a tooth behind my tooth!"

Sure enough, his bottom front right tooth has the adult tooth growing in already. I've asked him over the past probably six months whether he has any teeth loose, and he has been totally disinterested in wiggling to see. Now this. The tooth has broken through all the way, and his baby tooth is a bit loose, so I've given him a week to work with it and try to get the baby tooth out. Otherwise, we'll have to go to the dentist because his adult teeth need room to come in correctly.

Grr. I had teeth that just fell right out because the adult tooth had absorbed the root and pushed them out. OF COURSE this couldn't happen to Mal, because it feels like most things have to be extra difficult for him.

Wish us luck this week. None of us wants to open up the can of worms at the dentist again.

The Part of the Year That Sucks

It sprinkled a bit on Saturday, and you'd have thought we won the lottery. The child and the chickens were so happy. But here we are again, with 100-degree highs and zero rain in the forecast for the next two weeks. Blehh. I hate this part of summer. I guess I mostly hate summer. It was pretty mild until about the second week in July. I'm ready for a break in this crap already. Ugh.

Hey, here's something fun: I can see decay on ANOTHER tooth in Mal's mouth. Hopefully, I caught it early enough that doubling up on brushing and finally forcing him to use fluoride will help. I guess he just has super porous teeth. We can't go in for another cleaning/fluoride treatment until January. I'm going with another dentist's office, because... I just am. We have friends who are really happy with their dentist's office. Then again, her kid doesn't have cavities (and brushes maybe once a week), so he sounds like D. D LOVED the dentist, because it was always kudos for no cavities.

Something funny I was thinking about the other day: I don't remember brushing D's teeth. Like ever. I know I did, up to a certain point. But I have no memory of it. Or of when we went from baths to showers. All lost to the ages.

I deleted my Instagram account yesterday. I'm still on Twitter, but who knows for how much longer. Social media is the way that many activists I enjoy communicate most, but also, I know I'm in an echo chamber. AND people hate re-tweet (or screen cap and then share) so much, then the same talking points are heaved on both sides, and it's just tiring. I'm still using groups on Facebook under a fake name, so I can follow "Be the Bridge" and a hyper-local inclusion group, and a smaller (than Austin) area homeschool group, as well as Buy Nothing.

The only thing I miss about social media is sharing cool pictures with everyone. As much as I have always enjoyed writing, I think I increasingly process stuff visually. Before Google Photos sucked up Picasa, you could just make your entire photo page public, and I'm sad that I have to share each individual album with people I want to see my pictures. Most likely, nobody cares about this nearly as much as I do.

The chickens are around 16 weeks old. Their combs are getting increasingly red/pink. This is/can be an indicator of sexual maturity, and on average, Easter Eggers can lay as early as 20 weeks. I'm hoping it will cool down a bit before they have to start working on that, though.

I joined an online chicken forum, and asked people more knowledgable than I: apparently, the seller was right and all six birds are pullets! I'm so glad, as we really like them all and wouldn't want to have to break up "the set" if any of them were cockerels. But also, there's a likelihood that we may end up with a couple dozen eggs every week! Some weeks, we go through that many (especially when Mal was loving scrambled eggs -- which he now hates -- and D is on a ramen kick). Otherwise, if we have excess, I think I'm going to offer half a dozen eggs at a time for free to whoever wants them. It'll be a nice way to meet more neighbors. Maybe I'll use them as a welcome wagon gift, with all of the new construction and people moving in.

Mal and I are going to go see the live-action Dora movie tomorrow, and I'm actually super excited. It looks very cute. Yes, I'm a dork. After that, he wants to go to the Lego store (which is so very far away) and see if they have any Minecraft mini-figs. So that'll keep us mostly indoors and air conditioned tomorrow.

One good thing: This heatwave makes me really glad we got solar panels! We're using a bit under 20 kWh of PEC electricity on the hottest days, which is less than a third of what we were using before. So that's pretty exciting.

Tomorrow is my parents' 50th anniversary! They're on a cruise and will be arriving in Quebec City in the morning, then will finish up this trip in Montreal for a couple of days. I want to go back to Montreal soon. And Glacier National Park. And I'd love to go to Yellowstone for the first time. Basically, I'd love to just travel for a year or so. D could take care of the chickens and the cats, so it'd totally work out. I should definitely start a GoFundMe, right? Right??

Cavities

Hey, so remember last year when Mal had a bunch of cavities and I freaked out and we didn't really do anything about them but up our cleaning game?

Yeah, they've progressed.

I went to a different dentist and while they were able to get x-rays (and only 1 was blurry!), they recommended the same thing: general anesthesia.

I don't like it any more now than I did in September, but: 1) I see how quickly that one tooth is deteriorating, and now one of the surface caries is an actual cavity (there's a difference; feel free to Google); 2) I feel zero anxiety about this office like I did the other one.

I'll be much happier at about 6:30 Monday morning when Mal's securely out and getting fixed up, but my normal parent nervousness about helping him transition to sleep with a scary, weird-smelling mask on his face is not the overwhelming panic and intuition to "STOP!" like it was at the other place.

Also: James made a decision in November to leave a job he'd only had 3 weeks for the job he has now, and I'm SO grateful. He was a contractor at the first job, and the insurance was prohibitively expensive through the tech recruiter.

We are so fortunate to have really good insurance with a low deductible. We are able to process the anesthesiologist through our health insurance, and even with a low $250 deductible after which we pay 10%, we've paid them $900!

The rest *should* be covered by dental, but I think there's a $1500 limit on that, and we might just exhaust our benefits for the year on this one thing. I guess the good news is we've hit Mal's deductible and half of our family deductible, and January's not even over yer.

So wish us luck on Monday! And NO MORE CAVITIES.

Oops!date

Sorry it's been so long! 

As I mentioned in the last post, we're being super diligent about brushing with Mal. He doesn't love it, but he does like spitting into the sink, so as long as he's game, I just have to be patient with the fact that a one-minute brushing (we have a couple of blinking brushes, so you know you've done it long enough) will take at least twice that, and sometimes more, depending on Mal's level of silliness. 

Within a week, the worst of the cavities was already showing improvement. It had been just a black hole, and by the end of the week, I could see the enamel at the bottom of the hole. So we're going to keep doing what we're doing and watch carefully for signs of progression.

I feel much more confident and less leery than I did when we first canceled the appointment. 

I think this is the only day James is going into the office today. You know that feeling you get before you go on vacation where you look around and think, "If I had to keep with this for another whole week with no break, I'd go crazy?" I think we're both at that point. Really looking forward to down time with my favorites.

Monday, which was Labor Day, was one of those days that I couldn't get anything done because of things that kept popping up in the middle of other things. Like, for instance, Mal wanted me to come play with him in his room, and I told him I'd do it as soon as I finished loading the dishwasher. Well, first, the dishwasher hadn't cleaned the dishes that had been in it so I had to run a short wash with dishwasher cleaner and then start it again with the dishes reloaded. In the middle of that, I got a text from one of Mal's friend's grandmas saying that his mom had found lice and that I might want to check Mal. I stopped the dishwasher stuff and had him sit at the table watching TV so I could check his scalp. He's clean! But in the meantime, he spilled his drink in the seat, and a bunch of it fell in between these two plastic pieces that mean you have to take the whole chair apart if you want to clean it out, which I did... so it was like an hour before I got to finish and go play. That kind of day.

Another thing that had occurred to me was that the very people Labor Day is supposed to honor, which is working people who keep our society running, probably did not get Labor Day off: trash collectors, hospitality workers, fast food employees, etc. Nevertheless, it was nice for James to be home and able to hang out. His knees were bothering him, though, which sucks. I have to tell you: I cannot recommend gout. If you can at all avoid it, do yourself a favor and stay away.

My mom came down yesterday to visit for a while, and after she left, it rained for an hour or so. It ended up being gorgeous out afterwards.

There's a chance of rain every day for the next 10 days, so maybe that'll help with the lake level. And, yes, I know the lake is a reservoir, and not primarily recreational. I still like it better when it's high. I will say, the wildlife is more interesting when it's low.

Speaking of which, I read an article in the paper this morning about pets in a nearby (sort of) neighborhood being bitten by rattlesnakes. Gotta make sure the cats stay inside!

Mal's been going to sleep ridiculously late, but Monday and this morning (NOT yesterday!) he's slept in to make up for it. I feel so much less tired when I've had a few moments to wake up on my own schedule in the mornings. 

Now I'm going to engage in the exciting activity of emptying the dishwasher. Happy Hump Day, internets!

When Stuff Breaks Down

Guys. I promise the next post will be full of light and love and the kind of whipped creamy goodness you've come to expect from this here blog. (All 9 of you who stuck with me of the 230 people who used to read my blog when I was on social media. Hi, Mom! Howdy, Christy! Hey, Jana! Hola, other half-dozen people! I'm sure I love you!)

So.

I've had a bit of a week, if I may. Also, I know what I'm about to tell you is SO MINOR compared to actual, real, damaging, devastating situations other people face. This will let you know how good I guess my life is, that these events can bring me down. But, man, they did.

First, cool thing: I've been planning a family vacation for over a year. We're closing in on our travel dates, which I won't tell you and we have a house-sitter, so don't think you can come steal the big screen TV we don't have, or the expensive electronics that we also don't have because we're taking our inexpensive electronics with us on our trip. But please, feel free to abscond with a cat or two. Just get your own Modkat litter box. Trust me. You do NOT want to transport a used one in your vehicle.

So last week, I noticed Mal had the cavity, about which you have read in two posts, and I'll spare you the repeated deets (which was the cool kid way to shorten "details" about 6 years ago).

Just before THAT, the "check engine" light had come on in my SUV. I'd gone by AutoZone and they'd told me that the codes indicated an O2 sensor was the problem. I came home and filled out an appointment request for the garage. They called me and confirmed the appointment for August 24, but I'd heard August 21, because that was my preference and he didn't say which weekday. So I showed up at 10 AM (early commitment for us because I never know when Mal will be up and moving) only to find that I was 3 days early.

Meanwhile, James's "change oil" notification showed up on his car. So, really neither car was fit to drive, but... well, we had to.

THEN, as you'll remember, I went in to the dentist's on the 24th and she was out, so Mal got really anxious for nothing, and I got him up early (9 this time!) for nothing, then we dropped the SUV off at the garage and took a Lyft home.

Mal's review: "I'm having a beautiful ride!"

By about 4:30, we hadn't heard anything so I called the garage. The guy gave me some rigmarole about how some of the codes were weird, but I got the distinct feeling that they hadn't done more in the previous 8 hours than exactly what I had done at AutoZone. Said they would probably not have an answer until Monday.

Friday night, Mal wanted to go to Target, but... James's car. I called the only place still opened and asked if they could change the oil that night, but because James's car is a Fiat 500, some places don't have his filter in stock. They said they'd order it and I could come in the next day. She set an appointment for 10 AM, and I promised Mal we'd go to Target after that.

Turns out, I lied to him, but not on purpose.

When we got there the next morning, the lady asked me if I was dropping the car off. I told her that would be impossible. She said she wasn't sure how they would have gotten my filter by then since I wasn't "even in the system." So I left. She had offered to order the part and call me, but by then, I was pretty peeved.

I drove to Walmart, then remembered that they can't change the oil in a Fiat 500. So I called a Firestone down the way, and they said I'd have to drop it off because Friday, Saturday, and Sundays were just the busiest days. He offered to make an appointment for during the week, and I cried.

Here's a picture showing how ridiculous I look in reading glasses, just to break the monotony.
#thebettertoseeyouwith

I got home and made an online appointment with a different Firestone for around dinner time. It is in the same shopping area as a McDonald's and Taco Bell, so we made a family night of it. I did call before the appointment to ask if they were going to be able to do it, and they affirmed that they could. They did ask James if we were leaving it overnight, though. Sigh.

One down.

Yesterday morning, I again pulled Mal out of bed and put him straight into the car seat. James works from home on Mondays and Fridays, so I was able to use his vehicle. As soon as we pulled out of the driveway, there was an error message that a front tire was down to 24.6 PSI. Big sigh. Filed away for later.

We got to the office, and the hygienist called us back. She was a kind older lady, but she kept calling Mal "she," so I finally mentioned he was a boy. She said, "Oh, I couldn't tell because of the long hair." Not in a friendly way.

She was plenty patient while Mal balked at sitting in the chair, and eventually resigned herself to just brushing Mal's teeth with a Lightning McQueen brush because he said, "I don't want a motor!" Even then, I had to hold him in the chair, kneeling beside him, and talk gently to him the whole time.

When the dentist came in, she asked the hygienist a few things, and when she got to the x-rays, the lady said, "We didn't get them because of his behavior."

Well, that's factual. His behavior, specifically, was communicating "I am terrified." And at some point, she just looked at me and said, "There's no way we can get x-rays today."

But it sounded like he refused or was being a brat or something. Or maybe I'm overly-sensitive, but I've never had a kid with cavities before, and I was feeling very anxious, as you know.

She had managed to get the vitamins on Mal's teeth, too, but he gagged several times. The dentist got him back in the chair and did the exam, pointing out one cavity I hadn't noticed (which I still can't see, but I'm not the expert, so I'll take her word for it), for a total of four cavities over five teeth.

The first recommendation she had was general anesthesia. For a 3-year-old. With tooth decay, or dental caries, that have not penetrated the enamel. So, no. I made a mental note that we were going to find a different dentist.

Her second recommendation was something I'd read about: silver diamine fluoride. It turns the decay black, but gives it a "complicated disease" that kills it and arrests the decay. It doesn't repair the teeth, but prevents damage, most effectively when reapplied within six months.

So we made an appointment to do that, and I knew as soon as it was over, we'd be the hell out of that office.

On the way out to the car, I saw that the garage had called, they had figured out the problem (IT WAS AN OXYGEN SENSOR... WHAT?!), and they gave me an estimate, which I approved.

The Firestone where we had the tires balanced at the same time we had the oil changed is also in the same shopping center as the dentist's office, McD's, Taco Bell, et. al. So we drove over, the guy checked the tires, and they were ALL low. So someone just didn't inflate them properly. They fixed it immediately.

Last night at 5, we got our SUV back.

I almost blogged last night about how relieved I was that we were almost finished with all outstanding issues, because I can barely go to bed with the dishwasher running as I know it means I'll have to empty dishes one of the first things in the morning. I cannot stand having unresolved things.

But I didn't blog. My body gave out at 9:30, and I went to sleep before Mal. Mostly. He woke me up to go to sleep, but I'd been asleep (and, maybe, snoring) for a while.

Then, at 4:00 AM, I woke up in a cold sweat. I was so panicky. I couldn't put my finger on it, but the thought of going into that office was so dark and foreboding. I tried to go to sleep for an hour and a half, but ended up waking James up, crying, because I was so stressed and sad. I told him I'd decided to have them do the back 2 teeth only, and we'd monitor the front ones. First, I thought this was all Mal would be able to tolerate. Second, it had occurred to me that I have a silver allergy. That's why we have silicone wedding bands now. Mal might not be allergic, but what if he is?

By 7, I was shaking. I'd read that patients reported a "metallic taste" and had been reading about how silver diamine fluoride stains EVERYTHING it comes into contact with. Allegedly, only the decay on teeth stays stained; anything else will clear up in 2-14 days. But I had this mental picture of Mal tasting the metal, gagging, and somehow upsetting the mouth guard (which I don't think he'd love, anyway) and not taking the full minute for it to dry because of his freaking out, and how worried he was that the "paint" was going to be "sour" like the mint toothpaste, and how scared he was at the exam, and... I was literally physically ill.

I cancelled the appointment.

I'm going to find a more holistic/alternative/gentle dentist. I got a couple of referrals from another unschooling mom. But in the meantime, I'm implementing a plan.

First, I have to admit, I haven't been militant with Mal's brushing up until now. I had false confidence because D's teeth were never a problem, so skipping a day of brushing if he fell asleep before we got to it... meh. No more of that.

Second, we'd never given him fluoride toothpaste because he's never spit. He always eats the toothpaste. We got him some this weekend, and it turns out he is fine with spitting it out because he doesn't like the way it tastes like he does the training toothpaste.

Third, we're brushing with the fluoride twice a day, and then periodically with just the brush after he has sticky stuff like fruit snacks.

Fourth, I commandeered some of D's Wisps to keep in my purse, as well as Xylitol bubble gum for after snacking out and about.

I know that dental decay takes 4-8 years to pierce the enamel. Mal hasn't had most of his teeth for 4 years. And the worst decay is on the molar that came in a year and a half ago. So I feel reasonably confident that we can wait a couple of months before getting a second opinion, given my more aggressive cleaning regimen.

I don't usually freak out about stuff like I did this, so I'm going to chalk it up to intuition. I was really hoping to have everything stamped "HANDLED" by today, but it looks like I'm going to have to be patient. I'm not super great at that.

Dental Update

By the time I went to bed last night, I told James I was just about ready to cancel Mal's appointment. I was already wound up, then I went online to fill out the new patient forms. I didn't cancel, because Mal definitely has a cavity, and I'd feel bad later if it did start to pain him because we hadn't addressed it in a timely manner. 

But I also felt like "that mom" because I added notes to two of the pages.

Okay, before you're like, "Yep, you're definitely 'that mom,'" I'll remind you of something: Mal needs earphones to play at McDonald's. When I vacuum. If I use the blender (which is broken, darn it) or the mixer. Increasing volume will not startle him into compliance; it will FREAK HIM OUT. And then we have to spend time letting him calm back down. Anyway, I know my kid and I know what won't work for him. The mouth prop thing, the rubber one, *might* help, but, again, I can tell when it might or might not. Other than that, they'd get consent. And, honestly, unless there was a problem causing pain or permanent damage, I'm not sedating my child for an exam. 

Here's another thing I'll tell you: I never once went back into the exam room at the dentist's office with D, and D started seeing the dentist about a year younger than Mal is now. D was ready, excited, and confident about the adventure. So this isn't about helicopter parenting. Again, it's about knowing my child. And if he's cool with going back alone, all the better. But if he's freaking out and they think my leaving will make it more likely to successfully complete the treatment, then most likely it means they'll be doing something that will involve leveraging size or intimidation to make my child comply. Not how I choose to approach health care. Sorry.

I had a lot of baby teeth filled in overly-aggressive treatments by a dentist who later lost his license. I remember how much getting teeth filled both hurt and was just a yucky experience due to the numbness after. I am not traumatized by those memories, though.

I can recall quite acutely, however, a terrifying experience as clearly as if it happened yesterday, and it's something I want Mal to avoid if at all possible. I had tubes put in my ears when I was 5. I guess maybe I wasn't breathing enough, and maybe crying? struggling? I don't remember doing either of those, but who knows. All I do know is that I was in an operating room without my parents, and someone put the anesthesia mask over my mouth and nose. Whatever I did wrong, the person pushed hard on the mask, shoving it painfully into my face. Seeing that scene while losing consciousness is the stuff nightmares are made of. 

So. This morning, Mal woke up and we headed out almost immediately, It was an early start for him, and he was both tired and, I think, the opposite of how he usually is, which is extremely energetic, out of fear. I'd much prefer the limp fear to the kicking and screaming panic.

When we arrived at the office a few minutes early, the only people there were a woman at the front desk and a woman sweeping the waiting area. She said, "Didn't you get my message?"

As it turns out, the dentist was out with a family emergency. The office had called to reschedule, but my phone didn't ring, didn't show a missed call, and never shows that I have a voice mail message anymore.

I asked if we could sit down for a minute. It was actually a pretty muted waiting area for a kids' dentist. The one where D went was practically a playground. However, they did have the television on Scooby Doo, and they had a Ms. Pac Man video game in the corner. Mal watched TV for a few before I asked if he wanted to walk next door to get hash browns. As we left, I said, "See? It's okay, right?" 

The woman who was sweeping told Mal, "Next time, when you come back, after the exam, you'll get to pick a prize out of our prize box!" Well, that's right up Mal's alley, so I think when we go back he'll be less anxious. Question is: Will I?

One Day More....

There was an article by a doctor chastising parents for not disciplining their children enough for him to do his job that made the rounds a few years ago. The guy described a young patient who wouldn't let the doctor examine him, and when the mom answered a question about how long the child had felt bad, said, "Shut up, Mom. You don't know anything." He went on to say "Open your mouth" shouldn't be posed as a question because it's not a request, it's a demand. 

I don't know whether this was a client he saw often, but I can think of plenty of reasons a sick kid (and maybe scared kid) would act like a jerk at the doctor's office. I get that it might be frustrating to deal with anything other than compliant kids. But I'd hate to have a doctor who introduced an article about how parents are failing by using an anecdote about my child.

This is what's on my mind as we look at Mal's first dentist appointment in the morning. We've been planning to get him in for a cleaning and to have his molars "painted" over to keep crud from settling into the folds, but we expedited the plan when I noticed a definite cavity in his lower back left molar this morning. He also has what I suspect is a cavity (or two?) "between" (on the insides of) his front two teeth. Neither of these seem to be causing him any pain, and I do not want to fill them. I'm hoping the dentist can clean out the cavity and tell us what to do to help it get better or at least not get worse.

But I'm on edge, because Mal fights our brushing his teeth every. single. time. He HATES it. And I think back to when he was super panicked before we went in to the water park, and told the girl, "Get that off of me!" when she put the armband on his ankle. He might freak out and not cooperate. He's going to be terrified.

The doctor who wrote that article would argue that it's my fault for coddling him, but honestly, what is a parent to do when faced with their child's abject and sincere fear? Scold them? Spank them? Continue to push on regardless of the trauma?

We tend to use the severity of the situation as our guide. If Mal had a nail stuck through his foot and didn't want the doctor to touch it, we'd of course restrain him and do what needed to be done. But when the stakes aren't that high, then there's time to ease a kid into something. I want him to trust me. I want him to know when I say, "We have to," it's because we actually HAVE to, and not because I want him to and it's embarrassing to me if he doesn't. 

Also, he usually relaxes, after a freak-out period, and goes along with things. But I let him have space to give full vent to his expressions of fear. They are legitimate. 

It's entirely possible that my child will cry through a dental cleaning and exam, but it's never going to be because I spanked, coerced, shamed, or threatened him. And that doctor can stick his opinions where his proctologist might find them.