An Open Letter

Hey, you. 

You randomly popped up in a dream last night (specifically, I was picking you up from jail after you'd completed your sentence??)... well, the you from more than 15 years ago. Would I recognize you now? Would you recognize me?

I can't even begin to detail how much I've changed in the years since I moved to Austin. 

When I first got here, everything was mostly the same. I tried to build a life that was familiar, like the lives we had in north Texas. But pretty quickly, that manner of living started to crumble and without knowing it, I was building a totally different way of life.

Superficially... I have wavy hair now. Can you believe it? All of that time and effort I spent trying to curl my hair. I know you liked it better straight; I guess we always want what we can't have. Anyway, my morning routine was never cumbersome, but it's so much faster now: spray hair to reset waves. Get out. It's pretty great.

Also, I'm not trying to be skinny anymore. You'd probably "still love [me] in spite of it," but, with all due respect, eff that noise, friend-o. I'm happy with myself, and my body has never been healthier. I've seen the future and know what I need to do to maintain maximum ambulation for as long as I can, as far as it is in my power to maintain. I move more and with more joy than I ever have before. And I also unapologetically enjoy the food I've always loved. No shame. No one watching me or my body change. It's amazing.

I have more tattoos (with another in the planning stages), and got my nose pierced a couple of years ago. I believe you would have hated this. It's probably good that things ended up the way that they did.

In fact, there are bigger things that make me grateful that we're not still in each other's lives. Much bigger.

You'd likely hate me now. I don't think the same way or believe the same things that I did back then. You'd think I had back-slidden or been influenced by something dark... but, man, when I read my blogs from 15-24 years ago, I do not like that person. I was a closed-off, judgy, occasionally humorous know-it-all.

I no longer vote the way I voted before. I remember when I first moved, and a mutual friend called me a loyalist to a particular political party as an insult. It worked. I was upset that she would say that. Now? Guilty as charged. What changed? A lot. So much.

You know what has pushed me to change the absolute most? My kids. They have been a blessing, and they have been challenging... and even that has ultimately made me a better person, and hopefully a better parent. If they ask me a question today, I probably have an opinion, but I don't feel like I have to give a pat answer with absolute certainty that it is and I am right. 

I will err every day on the side of throwing the doors wide open and embracing people, and life, and happiness. I wanted this before, but was so limited by unnecessarily strict boundaries that someone else convinced me needed to be in place.

I made so many mistakes, and I hurt so many people. Heck, I've even done that in the past 15 years, despite my best efforts not to. But at least when I do so now, it's because I'm messed up and not because I think I know the only right way and insist that other people do certain things because of what I believe.

All that time I spent trying everything I could think of to make us work, and you absolutely refused to budge. It was that realization -- that you cared more about your own self-preservation than you did trusting me enough to step out on a ledge and try to fly -- that made me leave. And now I see that you were correct. We were NOT right for each other. We would not have worked. We would have gotten to a point just a few years later where things would have come up that would have caused us to implode, anyway. 

So I guess I'm saying thank you for making me so miserable that I couldn't stay in the same place for another day. Thank you for pushing me away so hard that I ended up never seeing you again for the rest of my life. It was a protection to me, and to my kids (one for obvious reasons as he wouldn't exist). 

And try not to get arrested, because I can't come pick you up.

Laura

Our HURRICANE cruise!

We made it in one piece! Or 4 pieces.

Anyhoo, you get it: We didn't die.

We cruised on Royal Caribbean out of Galveston, with the itinerary supposedly taking us to Coco Cay, Nassau, and Cozumel. We knew this was a gamble because it was hurricane season, which is why we got such a great deal. 

Turns out, there were 2 storms hovering over the Bahamas, so instead we ported several familiar places: Costa Maya (home of the best excursion I've ever taken), Roatan (sigh), and Cozumel (thanks for the drugs!). 

It was a great trip, we had good food that I didn't have to make and came back to our room that I didn't have to tidy so I have no notes (other than that everything was too loud, including the notes).

A few highlights:

D came with us! It's their first cruise in 15 years, and their first weeklong vacation in 10. It's also their first vacation since having a job, so it probably means more. Actually, D has 2 jobs now, so it was a double.

Nana and Pappy went, separately from us but we got to see them here and there throughout the day. 

D, Mal, and I swam (waded?) in the pool at Puerta Costa Maya whilst James walked around. We saw wild tropical birds and a huge iguana just chilling out. We saw the Danza de Los Voladores. We caught a peep of the Star of the Seas, which made Mal super happy. We bought some local chocolate and were back on board by lunch. We didn't plan any excursions because we hadn't planned to go there, and I don't like to book with the cruise lines (plus the line on the ship was LONG after people realized our itinerary was changing).

Mal and I swam in the pool at the new (to us) Roatan port. When Mal and I were on Roatan in February 2024, it was at the Carnival dock on the east side of the island. This time, we ported where I've stopped every other time I've cruised there. We were last at Coxen Hole in 2019, and they were just about to expand the port. That included a pool area, which is smart and we enjoyed a great deal. We bought some semi-local chocolate (Honduran, but produced on the mainland), and were back on the ship by lunch time.

I'm the only one who went ashore at Cozumel. James's achilles tendonitis was acting up, and I was able to pop out of the port for steroids, which worked very quickly and for which James will worship me until the day he loses his mind or dies. Maybe longer. We did have a good time watching the storms that were rolling across Cozumel, back a ways from the ship. 

Mal tied with another young boy at Flags of the World trivia. Mal and I both sang Weird Al songs ("Eat It" and "Amish Paradise" respectively) at karaoke. I did the zip line over the boardwalk. Mal and I did an all-ages silent disco, which James joined about a half hour in. That paired with taking the stairs might have been what aggravated his tendon. 

We had a great house sitter who took care of the cats and who fully cleaned our house the day before we got home! 

I remember whether I mentioned this or not, but the transmission in our HHR is jacked up. To fix or replace it would be more than I paid for it two years ago. So we're trying to limp along with it (it runs, but rough, but only sometimes??!) but we did NOT want to take it to Galveston. So we rented a car each way, and since we didn't have to pay for port parking, we broke even on that. AND we had a lot more trunk room! I think we were all more comfortable, as well.

We rented a 2 bedroom townhouse in Galveston for the price of one hotel room where we stayed a week in 2023 (and we needed 2 rooms). I actually washed clothes three times the night we were there, so was glad to have that option!

I realized something when I walked outside the first full morning of our cruise: Every other time I've cruised, it's been during the winter. It only makes a difference of a few degrees and a bit of humidity... but I think I'll probably stick to the winter if I'm doing anything near the equator in the future. 

Theater show: cute and enjoyable, talented cast. Aqua show: unbelievable stunts and very cool and avant garde. Ice show: beautiful, incredible athletes, and the dude with the big hoop must be made of solid muscle.

Now we're home and Mal managed to bring some Influenza B with him, so we've spent the week hanging out whilst he convalesces. I think he'll be fine by the weekend, which is good because I think he's getting stir crazy. He wanted to go to open gym today, but we tested him again and there was still the faintest line. 

And I'm on to planning our Mexico trip in the spring... then we're cutting off travel until we figure out what to do with our finances if James doesn't have a job by then.

He had a series of interviews and successful tests with a company right before they left, but they ended up going with someone else, I guess. Sigh. Onward and upward!