Monday, July 30, 2018

Disney Pixar Cars Movies and Music, Entry 3 of 3

It's interesting: The third installment of Disney/Pixar's Cars franchise is easily my favorite. The soundtrack is probably my least favorite. One reason might be that for this outing, they didn't include the score, so the run time is only half an hour and a lot of our drives are that long or longer, so it feels even more repetitive.

Digressing a moment, Mal really enjoys listening to the scores. He wants to know the name of each movement, and then later when he plays those scenes at home, he also hums the score.


That's a couple of bars... repeated... from the final race scene in the first Cars movie (yes, he's playing with Cars 3 vehicles).

I would recommend Cars 3 to literally anyone, but it will pack the greatest emotional punch if you've seen the other two movies. It will pack maximum gut-wrenching if you've viewed the other movies multiple times and these are starting to feel like people to you, and how much longer until we move on to the next thing I think I'm going crazy

...

Where was I? Oh yes... Even as a stand-alone, this movie has very ambitious and relatable themes, especially to those of us of a certain age.

I'm going to digress AGAIN, because it seems like my wont this evening. I've read extremely disparaging reviews of Cars. One mentioned that the entire franchise is a victory of marketing over art. I think that art is subjective, but in my experience, Cars is every bit as emotionally-satisfying as, say, Toy Story, without being quite as "Hey! I'm tugging on your heart-strings right here! Feel it!" (And we won't talk at all about "Up," which I like, but good gravy.) And maybe I feel protective of it because my child loves it so much, but here are some things we've discussed because of the movies:

1) That "bad guys" aren't always "mean." He notices that ***no spoiler here*** is extremely personable throughout one of the movies, and asks me, "Is he a nice bad guy?" So we've gotten to talk about how people who have bad intentions can be charming and seem nice, but that doesn't mean they're good people.

2) Death. Oh, gosh, death. Probably because Paul Newman died, Doc Hudson dies between Cars and Cars 2. Mal has told me that Cars 4 is about when McQueen is dead, and Cars 5 is about when Sarge and Carla Veloso are dead. I've had to point out that Doc doesn't "come back," even though he makes appearances in the third movie. He's represented on old film and in McQueen's memory. Mal understands enough to know he doesn't want to die. He's asked about James's and my grandparents. He's being able to work through these scary and complicated issues because of a few animated films.

3) Concentration and frustration and anger are different emotions but might look the same on someone's face. This comes up from the way the cars look when they're really racing hard. There are times McQueen is having run racing, and his concentration is underlied by joy. But sometimes, he's just trying his hardest and it doesn't look great... Oh, also, somehow animators MAKE A VEHICLE HAVE THIS RANGE OF "FACIAL" EXPRESSIONS, so you can pipe down about "artless." Anyway, we've talked about how to think about a situation to try to figure out what a person (er, automobile) is feeling. In other words, empathy.

There are other things, like the scenarios he creates when he's playing with the toy Cars. Like he'll make good guys decide to be mean, or bad guys take a new lease on life and are kind. Or one car will give another one a pep talk to get them to do something they're scared of. Again, it's all play/work through some pretty deep experiences. I'm grateful to the franchise for those opportunities.

Back to the actual Cars 3 installment...

Lightning McQueen isn't as young as he used to was. He finds that the newer-generation cars are simply physically faster, no matter how hard he pushes himself. After a huge set-back that causes McQueen to miss out on the end of a racing season, he is faced with the reality that his career might be over, and has to decide where to go from there.

After having seen the movie once, going back and watching his training scenes and realizing what is actually happening... I'm seriously tearing up writing this. It is so simple and elegant and beautiful. The relationships that develop among several generations of cars throughout the story are hopeful. Comforting. The things McQueen learns about his mentor, and the end of his racing career... whooo. I can't. I can't talk about it. Let's move on.

Nathan Fillion is in the movie, too, so there's that.

I've seen reviews that talk about how this is an interesting examination of how aging athletes deal with their futures, but, I'm telling you, it's applicable to every career, to everyone. I can't say anymore because I'll spoil it.

This is too long for me to go into much detail about the soundtrack, so I'm just going to list it and then share my favorite song.

Kings Highway - James Bay
Truckaroo - Brad Paisley
Thunder Hollow Breakdown - Brad Paisley
Glory Days - Andra Day
Ride (feat. Gary Clark Jr.) - ZZ Ward
Drive My Car - Jorge Blanco
Freeway of Love - Lea DeLaria

The two songs by Paisley are instrumental, and a lot of fun. It's amazing how different "Glory Days" sounds from the 1980s song it covers. "Ride" is the one Mal started singing first, and he loves it best. I was skeptical of an Aretha cover, but "Freeway of Love" is pretty good.

My favorite song I have been unable to find a correct lyrics listing for anywhere online. But the parts that mean the most to me are at the beginning, when he speaks of feeling the "outstretched hands of time" with foreboding. Then he decides that he's going to be purposeful and do what he has to do, so everything changes. "I shake the outstretched hands of time." Then later, the bridge: "When I lay on my pillow at night, I think about what's still going right and thank the stars up above there's still things left that I love." <3 <3 <3 Same, man. Same.



Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Schooling as Childcare? Yes, Please.

Some days, I get it. Especially days like today, when we're toward the end of a month during which James has worked almost nonstop, even from home. When I'm exhausted from the 24/7 care of a spirited child. I am getting enough sleep. I am getting my chores done. But everything feels more difficult than it needs to be, and I must say "Jesus, take the wheel" in my head two dozen times a day.

So I get it: the urge just to find a "good" preschool program and enroll Mal. The relief that would come from having a few hours in my house inside of my own head. The ability to go between chore and rest at my leisure. Not being dictated my part in a play scene I only sometimes understand. Not to have to say, "Hold on" then rush through something all day, but to be able to complete a task thoroughly from start to finish in one fell swoop.

When James isn't working so much, he is good about hanging out with Mal so I can get out on my own, but that's not the same thing as just being home. Alone.

We homeschool. I love it. I have no intention not to homeschool. But, again, in this season... this very long, multi-annual season, I totally get it.

Case in point: Mal was sitting at the table playing with sand so, sitting with him, I started this post. Within three minutes, he decided to go into his room and play something else, and is now calling me, crying, because he needs my help as someone is out of gas.

I never felt this fatigue with D. D, too, was precocious and challenging, but Mal is what I call "extra." And being the constant touchstone for such a verbal, demanding, emotive, energetic little person is draining.

("You always make me sad." The exact thing Mal just said to me after running back in here and telling me he's too scared to be in his room by himself. Now he's standing here crying loudly at me. And James is trying to work. Fortunately, he's not on a call, so I'll let it play out while I finish.)

And, yes, mostly there is happiness and silliness and I love it. But the not ever feeling caught up with my refilling of patience and energy is a bummer. So while I might side-eye the moms brimming over with glee because school starts in 3 weeks... I have to admit that I can see it.

*******************

To end on a funnier note, yesterday morning I was in the closet getting dressed and Mal was jumping on our bed. He said, "I use those to go to sleep at night." I went into the bedroom to see what he meant, and he was pointing at my chest.

Sunday, July 22, 2018

Unschooling Preschool, Sunday Evening Edition

Tonight, we had a great 30-minute physics study.

A few months ago, Mal asked me if he could make a turntable. He'd been watching the turntable videos from a Cars 2 video game, where the cars show up on a turntable so you can see them from all angles, hear their catch phrases, see their strengths, and decide which one to race. Since then, we've actually played that game at Chuck E. Cheese, but they don't give you very long select, so you can't really watch the little bits for each car.

I remembered then that D had gotten a cake decorating turntable for me, so we used that. Mal's played with it several times since then.

Tonight, we got it out and he was showing off individual cars. After a while, he'd spin the turntable slowly at first, then gradually speed up until the fact that their weight isn't evenly distributed became apparent and they spun off of the turntable altogether.

He did that with a bunch of cars. Then he noticed a large plastic cup and put it upside down over one of the cars before spinning the turntable quickly. After doing this many times, he put a second car on top of the cup, which was inverted over the first car. And then he put two cars on the turntable at the same time, then three. Then he'd just throw a car on while others were spinning.

It was fun to see what would happen. There is physics (and the associated math) involved, and although we of course didn't dive into the written formulas, the fact is that for half an hour, Mal conducted his own physics experiments.

"But he was just playing!"

EXACTLY. One of the foundational principles of unschooling is that children learn best by playing.

My son is three, and does not have a predictable attention span. If I'd asked him to sit down and do some experiments, no matter how fun they were, it is debatable whether he'd be able to do it. Also, if I put limits on his "screen" exposure, whether time or content, he might never have seen the turntable clips. And if I thought of learning as something that only happens when an expert is pouring information into a neophyte, then I might have missed this very cool interaction.

Have a great week, people!

Saturday, July 21, 2018

The Glamorous World of Motherhood


Hey, guys! This is my kid wearing only Slytherin underpants and sunglasses when we took an ill-advised jaunt down to the lake earlier this week.

It's been in the hundreds all week, and while I knew that and took plenty of fluids with us, AND refilled with tap water when we ran out, the uphill-pushing-50-pounds part nearly resulted in heat exhaustion for me.

I've had heat exhaustion a couple of times (it feels like a cross between hypoglycemia and food poisoning, if you're interested) and could sense it coming on, so I was literally stopping every 4 steps or so and drinking or swirling-and-spitting water (that last one Mal had not seen before and he did not like it). Finally, I had to pull over to the side of the road and sit in the shade, dumping most of the remaining water on my head, while I cooled off. Mal just sat on his trike-stroller the whole time and was fine. He wasn't super happy that I wouldn't let him drag his feet, thus making it more difficult for me to push, but I was not worried in the least about his disgruntlement at the time.

In other news, this has been a weird-feeling week. One reason may be that we've been on acute Poop Watch (TM). Here's the scoop on the poop: I thought Mal would *never* potty train, but right around his third birthday, he just seemed to get it, and so we were able to do away with daytime diapers. Cool.

We had gotten good enough that i wasn't super worried about accidents anymore, and wasn't constantly asking if he had to go. Then, at some point, when he started pooping like 5 times a day, never tidy "just dump and rinse" but "full on scrub the training potty" filling it in the sink and dumping it into the toilet over and over, I decided it was time to get rid of the training potties.

Here's a thing about me: When I decide something is over, it is OVAH.

I tossed the pots (would have loved to give someone to reuse, but figured the "eww' factor would be too much) and we moved on to the big toilets, no problem.

Except after a few weeks, Mal said he wanted the training toilets back because he was scared of the big potty. This was only for #2. He was peeing like a champ. Well, he's a boy so he can pee a lot of places, but one of them is the adult toilet, and he wasn't terrified of it, even though he also won't flush it in case it's too loud.

Anyway, I compromised and bought him a padded Paw Patrol training seat with handles for us to use on the big toilet. He never used it.

Since that time, he's often had what we call "shart events," where he'll squeeze a tiny bit off and manage to squash the urge to go. For a while.

During the past week, he had not used the toilet to poop since like Monday. He just kept sharting over and over, a dozen times per day or more, and sometimes as often as every 5 minutes for 4 rounds. It's demoralizing.

We've talked about how bad ignoring your body's urge to poop is, that poop is the stuff from your food that your body does not want or need and wants to get out of you. We know that he's not constipated. This isn't an "it's going to hurt, so I just won't go" situation.

And today, I looked up "stool avoidance," which is a thing that has been studied and that has lots of advice online. Apparently, 1 out of 5 kids has a period of refusing to poop, and without intervention, it tends to last about six months (are we 3 months in? I have no idea; I should keep better notes). Also, it's typically with kids who are potty trained later, with many being trained between 42 and 48 months, and most of the rest after 48 months. We're not even there yet, so that's not him.

One pediatrician had the advice to dispassionately put them back in diapers (she specified "not Pull-Ups"). No drama, just a matter-of-fact statement that since the child can't control it, that's what's necessary. Well, I'd asked Mal earlier if he wanted to go back to diapers so he wouldn't have to deal with changing underpants, worrying about the potty, etc. and he said a definite NO to that.

Her other idea was some "program" where they get 1 M&M for sitting on the potty, 2 M&Ms for staying so many minutes, and 3 M&Ms for actually going. UGH. We don't do incentives like that. And I get that she's a pediatrician, but, honestly, our child isn't medically ill, and we value relationship over the goal of perfect potty training, so... meh.

In the end (pun), I went to Walmart and bought another training potty. I'd asked Mal about that, and he said he needed it, because it was his size. When I brought it home, he was pretty interested... and then sat on the actual toilet. He said, "I used those when I was a baby." But a couple of hours and 2 pair of lightly-soiled boxers later, he actually poooooooooooooped on the toilet, so if I spent $12 on a potty we'll never use but just knowing it's there makes him feel better, it was *toiletly* worth it.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

When Pretending is Serious Business

Today, Mal's eye caught on fire, so he had to come into the doctor's (my) office for a shot, as one does. I gave him a shot, and he proceeded to tell me that I needed to use the hammer. I tested his reflexes, and there were none, but that could be because the hammer is plastic and I wasn't getting near any tendons.

As the exam went on, he kept telling me instruments I needed to use, ending with scissors. I proceeded to cut off his big toe and replace it with a Play-Doh prosthetic (pretend, also). Mal got really upset and pretended to take off the prosthetic toe. "I don't want Play-Doh! Give me something else!"

"I can't. I super-glued that on. You can't just take it off."

Mal started to get genuinely upset. "Give me my toe back!"

Then he changed tacks: "I want a tire."

So I put a tire on his toe.

"Not that one. That's yellow. I want a black tire."

I put a different one on.

"That's brown."

Then I pretended to use a spray can. "Shhhhh-shhhhhhh shhhsshhh. There I painted it black."

Brightly, "Okay! Thanks!"

And that was all for playing doctor.

Later, Mal was playing Paw Patrol. Recently, I rearranged his closet to fit more stuff in it. It looks great and works like a charm... until something needs to be removed. I'd just taken down the giant Paw Patroller, and pulled out a bunch of track pieces and the lookout tower. I was sitting in the floor when Mal decided he wanted to get out his Cars, too, to play "Car Patrol."

"Okay. Your cars are right there, just inside the closet."

In fact, I'd just picked ALL of them up and put them away to make room for the new play sets. Mal, who was sitting halfway between me and the closet, said, "You get them!"

"Nope."

Mal insisted louder that I get the Cars. At one point, he got mad that I was playing with Rider on a bike and took him from me, hiding him on the far side of the room and walking much further than he would have had to in order to have gotten his cars.

"Mom! You get them!"

"Why can't you get them? You're much closer and they're right there."

"Because I'm scared of the monster!"

"Well, so am I. I don't like monsters."

"There are no monsters that live in my home; there's only me and my family."

"THEN YOU CAN GET YOUR OWN CARS!"

"NO, MOMMY, YOUUUUU!!!"

He climbed over me and asked for "deedees" and kept insisting I get his cars. At some point, we got back onto the monsters. I told him I was still scared, and to prove to me that there weren't monsters, he opened his closet door, revealing the Cars bag.

I pointed this out, and he hid behind me saying, "But I'm still scared!" I told him I was, too. He said, "But the monster will eat me because I'm a kid! He won't eat you!"

"Yes he will! He'll say, 'Look! There's a big lady. I'm not wasting my time with this little kid. I want the giant treat!' Then he'll eat me and poop me out later and it'll be really gross."

I can't tell you what happened after that, except that neither of us got the cars and a few hours later, when one of Mal's friends came over, he did try to get the cars himself, but the bag got hung up on a drawer knob. Again with the "everything fits, but just don't try to move anything."

And this, friends, is why my brain is how it is these days. This is how I spend my hours. Good times. Gooooood times.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Advice to an Aspiring Web Developer

A 15-year old just posted a question to a forum I frequent. She's getting ready to graduate high school "soon" because she's been taking a lot of extra classes. So now she's trying to decide whether the inevitable mountain of debt is worth going to college.

She's really interested in computer science and web front-ends. She considers herself fluent in javascript, html, and CSS.

She's had one response since she posted last night. It was basically "Web development technologies are a joke. They're really lumped into a single course in most degree programs. Learn a real programming language like python, ruby, or php. Then focus on the important stuff like algorithms and data structures. Oh, and work on your portfolio."

My response is ridiculously long and stream-of-consciousness, but I decided to share it here anyway:

It is good to start thinking about it early. I won't claim wisdom, but I do have experience. Maybe there's a worthwhile nugget in this meandering response.

The point about location is a big one. Do you live somewhere where you could start as an intern and work your way up the chain? Are you willing to move somewhere you could?

A lot of the answer really depends on your long-term goals. It's important to remember that this probably will change over time. Having a college degree, especially starting out, provides a lot of flexibility down the road. (I work with a guy who's decided he's getting too old to keep up with all the crazy new tech. He's working on his doctorate in the evenings so he can get a teaching job that lets him work with cool stuff without the demands of corporate pressure to produce things that customers want). If nothing else, it shows that you can cope with arbitrary rules, follow instructions, and achieve goals.

There's also a lot of value in things like having access to both professors and other students who are really exploring independence for the first time. This is vastly more true if you can afford to go to a school in one of the startup hubs. Paul Graham's essays are well worth reading. This is also probably the best time of your life to get in on the ground floor of a startup (or 6).

The courses don't hurt. It sounds like you're enough of a go-getter that you could get the same actual knowledge out of sites like coursera. Then again, if you're the kind of person who finds classrooms and structure and schedules appealing, college may be worth the price to you. There's also value in taking some time to explore a wider variety of topics. As long as you don't actually graduate, you can get a lot of financial assistance (most people won't warn you that this mostly cuts off once you do graduate).

You'll probably never have a time in your life when it's easier to get a college education. Once you enter the work force full time, it's tough to find the time.

I know a person who graduated from college when the job market was awful, went back and got a master's, then still couldn't get a job until he lied and pretended that he had some job experience. He eventually got fired when a manager found out about the lie. But, by then, he had experience and seems to have been fine since (we haven't stayed in touch). So...it wasn't ethical, but it worked out well for him.

Then there's another programmer with whom I worked several years ago. Before college, he worked at KFC with a classmate. He got a CS degree. The classmate stayed at KFC. When I knew him, we were both junior programmers in dead-end jobs. His classmate was a district manager at KFC, making money hand over fist, with tons of perks like access to the corporate jet.

Statistically speaking, I think long-term you'll probably be better off *financially* by just skipping college and diving in to an entry level job. Aside from the debt load (which really shouldn't be all that much for an undergrad, if you live frugally), you'll have 4-6 years (at least...it sounds like you've been a real go-getter and plan to graduate high school early) of experience + salary under your belt when your classmates are starting to look for their entry level jobs. A major difference there is that most of them will think they know everything, when, mostly, college just taught them to produce garbage that  will never be useful long-term. (Homework assignments are fine to get the basic ideas, but writing something that's going to still be used in 10 years is a different kettle of fish).

Don't  buy the idea that javascript isn't a "proper programming language." It has a lot of rough edges, but it's one of the most commonly used languages on the planet. You can go a long way using javascript on both client and server. It is worth learning other languages: they all have strengths and weaknesses, and you can really broaden your perspective by learning a wide variety (Peter Norvig has a great online essay about mastering programming in 10 years). But don't fall into the trap of thinking one is better than the others. Each one is really optimized for one or two things. Figure out what those are: why did someone create this language, and why do other people use it?

Definitely do build a portfolio. Find open source projects to contribute to (check out the Aspiring Blacksmiths guild here). Build web sites that you can show to demonstrate you know what you're doing. If you're going to focus on front-ends, it's really all about the user experience. Dig into things like graphic design. Study ways to present information (Edward Tufte is a great source here). Get used to tweaking CSS to make your sites beautiful on all the different browser versions (don't forget mobile!). Speaking of mobile, you should definitely have some native phone apps in here too. Don't do it for the sake of the portfolio: work on projects that you find interesting/challenging. Just be mindful that they go places where you can show them off on your resume. I have seen people get hired because they had a link at the top of their resume to a cool, tasteful site that they built. They did good at the interviews also, but nobody involved past the HR level cared about anything past the "here. I can do this for you" wow factor.

I think that one of the crazy things about this field is that a computer science degree doesn't necessarily prepare people to be great programmers. Some of the best programmers with whom I've worked got a degree in either math or music, but fiddled around with programming and built stuff that interested them (and maybe took a few classes as electives) while they were in school. I've also worked with great programmers who have CS degrees, but they have a tendency to think they learned all they needed in school. One of the joys of this field is that you've *never* learned all you need, because it changes constantly (web UI more than any other area).

There's another angle to this. Big parts of what you'll get from a CS degree will be pretty useless in terms of building web UIs. I have seen web devs struggling with algorithms and data structures, but it's been extremely rare. Mostly, they're trying to deal with insane levels of complexity that stem from a) interacting directly with humans b) coping with all the crazy things that can happen when things go wrong on the server side and c) well, javascript's "rough edges."

Well, aside from the bigger-picture "make it beautiful, and don't make your users think" sorts of questions. The people who are good at this and the actual programming part are golden.

Personally, I think that any program that has a single course for "web programming" is probably short-changing its students. In a lot of ways, I think that building something like Habitica is far more challenging than, say, a database engine.

Good luck. You're already well ahead of the curve just by asking the questions.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Parenting Off-Center and Our Day

James works with at least two other people who have kids Mal's age. One of the children is already in a preschool. The other's parent was asking James last week, "Are you guys looking for a STEM academy for your son?" James just told him no. When the same person asked if my background was in teaching, James answered similarly.

When you don't approach parenting the same way others do, it can be noticeable, but not always shocking. When you approach education as abnormally as we do, though... it's kind of a big deal.

I remember meeting with some women from an online "moms over 40" group that I was hoping would help me connect with moms in my same life circumstance. I quickly realized that I was mistaken. Most of them had waited to have kids because of careers, and were extremely interested in getting their 2-year-olds into "academically challenging" schools.

This weekend, I overheard a conversation between a mom with a spirited (even more so than Mal) child and an expectant mom. The future mom asked kid mom if sugar made her child more hyper. Kid mom said they hadn't noticed much of a difference, but still limited the child's sugar intake. Mom admitted that they did allow the child to pick out a sweet treat if kid had a good day at school.

You can read all sorts of scientific articles online that explain that the connection between sugar and hyperactivity is mythical. Also, there are studies that show that incentivizing anything (behavior, "healthy" food, etc.) actually makes the desired outcome LESS desirable to the person being rewarded. And that the incentive becomes the focus, rather than the other thing.

And literally no one asked me, so I just kept it to myself.

The mom ended by saying, "He's too young just to sit around eating candy, anyway." And I pictured my kid, same age, sitting around eating candy. Which he does.

I am very fortunate. I have a couple of "mom friends" whose kids play with Mal on occasion, and they're super laid back, too.

In totally other news, mostly, except that I let a 3-year-old dictate our final destination today, this morning Mal really wanted to go to the Thinkery. It doesn't open until noon on Monday, but he was ready to go at 9:30, and James had some "feedback" from co-workers last week when he was on a conference call and Mal was loudly upset.

Last time we tried to go to the aquarium, it was not a success (read about that here). They gave us a rain check in the form of replacement tickets, so we went there first. Mal did not want to go. I have learned how to slowly help him try things and though he definitely preferred the gift shop to the main aquarium, we did get to see everything and there were zero groups there.



Mal was watching a bird say "hello" over and over again for treats.


Then we were on our way to the Thinkery. Via an early lunch.


This is the longest Mal has played at Thinkery, and the most fun he's had. So many things held him in thrall, but the one he kept returning to was the ball room. Here are a few happy shots. Also, he doesn't pose, so these are genuine moments.









We hit HEB on our way home, and I've been ready to call it a day for about three hours. Mal, of course, is still going strong...

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Sins of the Past

The first client I ever used to "blog," from early 2001 until mid-2009, went through at some point and removed all old blogs. They kept them, and users could restore them for a fee. I did this, wishing I'd thought to download the data the last time that I visited.

Anyway, skimming over to make sure all of the posts were there, I was horrified by the me of a decade ago.

First is parenting. I was SUCH an authoritarian when D was younger! In one post, I was lamenting a recent bout of "attitude," using this exchange as an example: D had asked to make hot chocolate, but had not eaten dinner, so I stated that and said no. D responded with, "It doesn't make sense to eat when you're not hungry." WHICH IS TRUE. But at the time, I took it as being disrespectful or something. Ugh. So frustrating. I have since apologized. I've done that a lot since loosening up, actually.

Secondly, when I read things I wrote about what I believed in spiritually, it makes me cringe now. The god I believed in ten years ago is not one I'd want to worship today. I was very confident in the things I wrote, the answers I gave, the defenses I made. Everything got shaken up over the years between churches inviting me to leave because I was not making decisions as they advised, and D asking hard questions I'd glossed over but couldn't do so anymore and feel okay about it.

When I met with the pastor at the church I attend now, we were discussing spirituality and I said, "In the past, I have been a lot more certain in what I believed than I am now. I don't think that necessarily means my faith used to be stronger. I just think that before, I was carried along by so much spiritual inertia and an entire community structure that it seemed a lot simpler than it does now." He told me that he'd previously talked about faith as a journey, until his friend objected to that comparison, as a journey implies progress in a specific direction. He said his friend preferred to think of faith as seasons, and sometimes it's summer, sometimes it's winter. And I think sometimes there's just a weird pocket of unseasonable WTF, and the best you can do is try to keep your head down and power through.

The other day, I came across an old social media post where someone was ranting against me, sort of, and said, "SHE'S BEEN BRAINWASHED!" Reading this series of posts that I'd read in the past, after all of this time, my raw reaction was, "He's not wrong."

The things I believed about how to act and how to think and how to conduct a life now seem so foreign and embarrassing to me. I was confused at the time, trying to find my way, and I hurt people, including my own child, even if that's something all parents do and kids get over it, and I really hate that. I suppose it's helpful to have these records to remind us to proceed thoughtfully and never take for granted that there is only one way to do things.

We want there to be one "right" way. As much as we might protest, there's a big part of us that wants to be told exactly what we're supposed to do, so we can make sure we're on the correct side of things. The problem with that is that when we subscribe to a narrow view of how to approach anything in life (eating, learning, raising a family, caring for people), it closes us off from so many enriching options that we actually might find a much better fit.

When I think about some of the past stress and power struggles between D and myself, I wish I'd cottoned on sooner that if I stopped pushing, there'd be nothing to push against and it would get so much easier.

When I think about advice I gave a friend whose marriage was falling apart, I wish I'd just listened.

When I think about things I told other people about God, I want to track them down and apologize for being so far off of the mark. (I've done this with one person, and he was so graceful about it; I am grateful to have known some pretty amazing folks.)

It is my hope that when I'm in my mid-50s and catch a glimpse of the things I've recorded from this time, I'll be able to nod my head and think, "I was just starting to get it!" Although I might seriously wonder why I wrote several posts about Disney Pixar Cars. And if that's the case, it will mean that a giant chunk of the repetitive preschool parenting days has been mercifully erased from my memory.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Hanging with my brain

Do you ever play mind games with yourself? Not the kind where you wonder, "What if a fire breaks out, and one of my kids is trapped in the back in the back of the house alone?" I am talking about the fun, boredom-busting kind. Things you do to keep yourself occupied during an otherwise brain-numbing activity.

Today, I was refilling bird-feeders and doing some yard stuff and this one bit from "Pirates of the Caribbean" (the movie, not the theme park attraction) kept running through my head. Every time I hear that song, I'd guess it's from "The Amazing Race," but now I know it's actually PotC.

Anyhoo...

At first, I was just singing stuff, and imagined what it might be like to be in a free-styling competition. There's no way I could do it. But then I started challenging myself to sing a random first line, then see how quickly I could complete a somewhat coherent rhyming stanza, to the tune that was playing in my head, anyway.

This is what I came up with, all unrelated:

I do not want your jacket.
I don't think I could hack it.
I have a sugar packet
In my coat but you lack it.

I will never go skiing.
Hate it with all of my being.
Make me -- In fear I'll be peeing.
Yellow snow you'll be seeing.

Where is that kitten hiding?
He won't answer my chiding.
It will be so exciting.
But he doesn't like riding.

I do not like this bonnet.
I did not Amazon it.
My head's so hot, doggone it.
Fine. Fine! Put that thing on it.

I will sing this forever.
When will I stop it? Never.
I think I'm pretty clever.
You might not. Well, whatever.

See? That's just a tiny little peek into what the inside of my brain parts look like. You're welcome.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Pre-Holiday Thoughts

Tuesday morning started off a little rough. Mal wanted to go to Target first thing in the morning. We didn't hare a reason not to, so I took him. First, I'd said the night before when he wanted to go at 10 PM that we'd do it. Second, whenever possible, we try to let Mal be the master of his own destiny. As a 3-year-old, that happens rarely enough.

At Target was nothing we needed to buy, toy-wise. In the past, Mal liked to go to Target and browse, playing with whatever caught his eye. Now it seems he feels the whole enterprise is a waste if we don't leave with SOMETHING. So after some tears, I herded him over to the home cleaning products before we beat a hasty retreat.

He kept telling me, "Mommy, you're saying the wrong thing! I'm saying the right thing!"

Mal, in a happier moment.


We came home, and after a bit, Mal said he wanted to go to the pool. It was 100 degrees, and that felt like the answer, so we headed toward Lago Vista... then Mal informed me he wanted to go to "the log pool," which is in Cedar Park. We turned around and went that way.

It's double the price for us to swim at Veteran's ($5 vs. $2.50), but it's a much larger pool with many more features. None of which Mal uses. Regardless, it was a nice change of pace.

One weird thing: In addition to peeing on a tree in the parking lot when we arrived. Mal had to use the restroom FIVE TIMES during the two hours we were swimming. I'd have picked a shady spot closer to the restrooms, had I known. And I'd have moved after the third time if I'd realized we still had two times left. Anyway...

At some point, I was moving through the chilly water with Mal in tow and thought, "I might talk about being constantly tired (I am) and 'on call' (I AM), and James might be able to work with quiet thoughts inside of his head during the day (I can't), but only one of us is getting tan lines from being at the pool so much."

That zen feeling lasted until I got out of the shower a few hours later. Mal waited until I was cleaned up before having a bout of diarrhea, which came on too quickly for him to make it out of his drawers and to the toilet. THEN he complained while I was cleaning him up, because apparently my bath robe wasn't properly covering my unmentionables.

So even on days when you can somehow feel chilly in the 100-degree air because you're dripping from the water and there's a brisk wind, parenting a 3-year-old is not a cake walk.

Also, later Mal had diarrhea again, and this time caught a whiff of it and barfed in the floor while I was cleaning up the first thing. Good times.

THEN it was a race to get the entire bathroom cleaned up before D saw it, because I think that would be a permanent deal-breaker. Fortunately, by then, James was home and able to hang out with Mal so I could do the "fun" stuff.

Mal, being wowed by a smoke ball on July 4.