My mom was telling me about the Advent series her church is doing, and mentioning how different that was to what the church of Christ (coC) has historically done.
When we were growing up, the coCs we attended all but ignored Christmas, since "it's not really Jesus's birthday, anyway," I guess? If Christmas fell on a Sunday, we went to church and heard a sermon that might be about Paul's travels, or about Nebuchadnezzar, or Jesus's friendship with Mary/Martha/Lazarus. There was some cognitive dissonance that I did not understand, but got the message that it was disingenuous to pretend Christmas was about Jesus's birth, since we know he wasn't born in winter at all.
I remember one winter when I was in 5th grade, we were drawing pictures in art class. We were supposed to draw a nativity or something, and I told my teacher that I didn't think I could do that. When she asked why, I guess I mumbled something about it being like lying, acting like it was Jesus's birthday. My friend Cindy Cole responded with, "Oh, Laura, don't be a fool," as she drew a spectacular three-dimensional star.
Later that season, I was asked to write a bit for the last school newspaper of the year. I barely remember anything about it, except that I ended it with: "We look forward to a break where we can celebrate Christmas and remember the birth of Jesus."
At some point later, my parents had received the newsletter and asked me about it. They might have just been interested to know why I'd written what I did, but since I was just a kid, I remember feeling like I was in trouble. So I did what I always did when I thought I was in trouble: I lied. I said I hadn't in fact written that, that I'd ended it after "celebrate Christmas" and that an adult in the office must have added on the end bit.
It never occurred to me as a child that my parents could very easily fact-check my story. But it never made sense to me that for some reason, a church would be anti-remembering the birth of their savior.
As an adult, I've attended a few more liturgical denominations, including Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, Episcopal, and United Churches of Christ (which is decidedly NOT affiliated with the churches of Christ). And even the non-denominational churches in Las Vegas and Sherman had an advent season.
This year, I'm not taking part in any religious services as I've stepped away from church indefinitely. The further I get from it, the more I realize how traumatized I was/am by the way I was treated and the way other women have been treated by the way the church is structured and how "church discipline" is handled and how charismatic men can get away with murder, practically and maybe probably literally? And I get that none of this is Jesus's fault, but it's healing for me to walk the path I'm walking now so thanks for respecting that.
Speaking of the main man of Christmas, here's another one: Santa Claus.
Growing up, we did not believe in Santa. We LOVED Christmas, and it was a magical time. We always got a present "from" Santa but knew it was my parents. They still snuck around and saved the best surprises for Santa to creatively leave out for us to discover. We left milk and cookies out for Santa, and they'd be mostly eaten in the morning. We knew it was Dad who ate them, but it was a cool touch. This seemed an ideal way to treat a Christmas icon, so I did the same thing with my kids.
D was fine. Mal, at the age of 4ish, decided that there WAS a Santa, despite my telling him that Santa Claus is a fictional character based on Saint Nicholas, a gentleman who wanted to help children and needy families. I told him that Santa Claus is the embodiment of the spirit of Christmas, but not a real entity. He insisted that he was.
Last year, he straight up asked me, "Mom, tell me the truth: Is Santa real?" And I said, "This is NOT fair! I always told you the truth, but you insist that he is real, and now we're at this place where I have to break your heart by telling you the truth. THIS is what I was trying to avoid!"
Cut to this year; Mal is 9 and at the age that a lot of kids start growing out of Santa. I don't know if he blocked my revelation out or what, but he's still going strong. He wrote a letter to Santa and put it in the mailbox a few weeks ago. When I've mentioned that some of the stuff he's asked for is pretty expensive, he's said, "That's okay. Santa will get it for me!" (He's lucky because the most expensive thing he wanted WAS gifted to us by a friend who had an extra one lying around. Ho ho ho, Christmas miracle and all that.)
Do you have periods? Do you hate them with a burning passion? Do you wish you could STOP having them? Have you, in fact, stopped having them as often and are super excited that you're about to be done with them forever? Do you think that there couldn't possibly be anything worse or more demoralizing than having to deal with bloody bodily fluids for several days per month?
Good news! There's something that is WORSE! It is so dehumanizing and challenging that it will push you to the brink of depression in a mere 24 hours!
I can tell: You're chomping at the bit. You're ready to hear what this miracle torture is. Well, great! I'll tell you.
It's called a 24-hour urine test. And if you're a lady and you go to Quest Diagnostics, they'll just hand you the same thing that I assume they hand a man: a container that looks vaguely like what you keep in the trunk of your car for in case you run out of gasoline and need to walk to a gas station and bring a half-gallon of gasoline back with you.
No instructions.
No way to collect the sample at all except to figure out how to eliminate into a small circle on a large jug that you will have to lower into the toilet, resulting in your having to clean the toilet, around the toilet, and the jug EVERY TIME YOU GO TO THE RESTROOM.
______________
I started this blog post 2 weeks ago, just after I'd done this. It sucked. It also confirmed that I have hyperparathyroidism, so I'm going in for a throat ultrasound and a bone density scan this afternoon. Fun times. Even the surgery to remove any offending parathyroid glands would be better than that stupid urine test. Also, if I had to choose between doing that 24-hour urine test or colonoscopy prep, I'd pick the colonoscopy prep every time.
Furthermore, I went 155 days without a period and started up again the day before we left for Phoenix last week. Good times. It was 118 days last year; wonder what I'll get up to next year or the year after before finding myself pregnant at the age of 62.
I can't believe that it's already the end of October! Lots has happened this month, much of it the typical stuff that happens every day, week, and month of the year. But let's hit some highlights, shall we?
First, and I'm cheating a little bit because this happened toward the end of September, but we need to remember it: Mal has always had sleeping issues. First, he wouldn't sleep if he wasn't touching my body. This made his infancy exhausting; I couldn't even put him down for a nap for more than about 10 minutes because he'd wake up. I had to wear him, or have him lying on top of me or right beside me. As he got older, he just wouldn't settle at night and sleep in a different room (except that one time Grandma Patsy visited, and he slept in his own room with her!), so he was in bed with James and me. A few weeks after we moved into this house, I decided to get him out of our bedroom and train him to sleep on a futon mattress on the floor of his room... which I did, but I ended up sleeping in there with him, and have ever since.
For a couple of years, we've had a hard cut-off of 10 years old. I've told him that he needed to figure it out because I was going to return to my bedroom by the time he turned ten. (Because even if he wasn't ready exactly at 10, pretty soon he'd want me out of his room and likely wouldn't feel comfortable telling me why, if you get my meaning.) Anyhoo, a couple of days before his 9th birthday, he told me he thought I could go into my own room when he turned 9! So that's what I did!
One side effect of this is that I sometimes snore a little, and D can hear it through the wall. James used to wake D up, but since he got a CPAP (I don't have apnea, plus I am a tornado when I sleep and not a good candidate) he's pretty quiet. James had gotten into the habit of closing the bathroom door and the closet doors to help insulate against noise pollution going into D's room, but we have a small wall that's still the only barrier between the rooms. So we invested in some acoustic tiles, and I think they're pretty cool-looking!
Next up, we went to trivia night at The Good Lot for the first time as a family. Mal played with other kids while D, James, and I did trivia. We won one of the three rounds, and the prizes included a flight of beer (they had cider, too!) and a cute skeleton shot "glass" (plastic). We'll definitely go back; I might even make it an event for our Tuesday library/park group. (I just did. I'm such an overachiever.)
Since we hadn't been to the state fair since pre-pandemic, we went the next-to-the-last weekend it was open and, for the first time in about ten years, D went with us! It was a lot of walking (we stayed in an adorable 4-plex about a mile from the park, so we walked 4 miles just getting there and back twice the day we went to the fair), a LOT of people, and a lot of money, but what a great weekend!
First, I was trying to show Mal a video of Big Tex because he didn't remember him. We were surprised to see ourselves a decade ago in The Daytripper's recently-released (or re-released?) video!
We had our mandatory stop at the Hillsboro Braum's on the way up. We got to the fair just as it was opening on Friday, and we were able to try the fried sushi bombs before the food court got too busy (and no one got shot, unlike the next evening, where apparently two guys got into a fight in one of the lines and one of them shot three people, all of whom are fortunately okay).
As per usual, we enjoyed the Go Texan! sample area. My favorite was the flavored olive oils. They had salsa, chocolate, hot sauce, and this year the dairy sample was an ice cream sandwich instead of a small cone. I guess Bessie the Cow doesn't visit anymore, which is probably better for the cow, but I always loved seeing what I'm assuming is the most beautiful calf they could find.
Little Hands on the Farm is done, but the petting zoo is still around. They moved it into a much larger arena, which really helps both with the crowds and the smell.
Mal surprised us by wanting to ride the Texas Skyway, a gondola that runs from the front of the park to the back (and vice-versa). He never wants to ride anything, so James thought if there ever was a time to spend nearly $50 on a 7-minute activity, this was it!
We finished up our fair food purchases for the morning with tornado fries (for Mal, mostly) and a bao taco trio. Man, those were amazing. Definitely the best thing we had that half of the day. The taco "shells" were made of bao dough, steamed as bao buns are, and were each filled with a different meat: pork belly, pulled barbecue beef, and chicken. I could have eaten a whole plate by myself, but we shared because we do have a mortgage to pay off.
We decided to take a break as the park was filling up around 1 PM. We spent the afternoon at the AirBnB relaxing, and then went back at nightfall.
We hit most (but not all) of the things we'd missed in the morning; most importantly, the craft competition. I always love looking at the things the people of Texas create! Also, butter sculpture.
Then we tracked down the one food we'd been wanting to try but were too full to find in the morning: a strawberry cheesecake sopapilla. Aww, man. Definitely the best dessert I've ever had at the fair. Worth finding, fighting people in lines around the sopapilla kiosk, and sitting in an area with a bunch of gnats to consume.
I think the only thing we'd wanted to see that we didn't was the Dia de los Muertos museum, and maybe the carved pumpkins in the greenhouse with the trains (if they even still have those).
All together, a great day at the fair! I was happy to go back in the evening because whenever we've gone in the past, we've just left midday and gone home or back to a hotel on the other side of town. Definitely a benefit of staying in the vicinity!
D was kind of "peopled out" so stayed "home" to recover the next day. James, Mal, and I got up and took the bus to Cafe Brazil, where James used to have brunch when he lived in Deep Ellum. Delicious, as always, and we got to experience the solar eclipse with a bunch of other diners and staff. I was glad we had our eclipse glasses, as they got passed around throughout the dining room and kitchen. It was so much fun to be excited with everyone else.
We then took the train downtown to poke around a bit before taking the train back to Fair Park and walking "home."
Believe it or don't, we had dinner that night at Cici's Pizza. It was like a block from our place and Mal wanted to go. Since James hadn't been to one in a while, he was down.
The next morning, we packed up and hit the Dallas Arboretum before we left town. I'd only ever been during the week, and holy cow was it busy. But it was a beauty, as ever.
On the way home, we stopped at Mal's favorite Hat Creek Burger in Temple for a late lunch and to say "howdy" to Nana and Pappy before ending our weekend away.
This weekend was the first time we've used Rover, a pet-sitting app/website, and we were very pleased! Our sitter sent pictures and updates every day, and was super conscientious and clean. I was surprised that I didn't need to sweep or vacuum up Aish hair when we returned. When they were younger, we'd have just left the cats alone for the 3 days we were gone. Alas, they're all teenagers and need a bit more maintenance.
In other news, Mal took an online assessment and qualified for a the regional semi-finals of a geography bee. We were supposed to have done that last weekend, but they had to reschedule for December at the last minute.
We're rounding out the month with Halloween, of course. Our little town has done stuff for Halloween ever since we moved here, but the celebration is getting better and better. Last year, a guy from Public Works built a few spooky decorations that were in the main park area. This year, they really let him go wild and used a small path across the way to showcase a half dozen of his creations. It was perfect in that it was pretty macabre, but also not threatening so kids were having fun exploring the "haunted walk."
And, of course, they had games for the kids, who were able to "earn" candy. It's the first year they haven't had a trunk-or-treat, but I think this is good, as they probably never knew whether they were going to have 4 participants or 15.
They also had hot dogs and chips available, which James and I especially appreciated because we both finished outside work (him: building a bed frame, me: mowing the lawn) right as it was time to walk down to the park.
Some more quick Mal things: Yesterday, he burnt himself on our tea kettle, which SUCKS, but it's because he was making himself ramen. It's the first time he's done it start to finish on his own. He swore off of using the kettle but I told him burning yourself is just part of learning to "cook." Next time he's going to use silicone gloves.
This week, he had his first dentist appointment in which he had ZERO cavities! His teeth are just prone to being meh, so I don't claim this as a win in terms of his dental care... but it is definitely a relief!
Finally, Mal played Scrabble with me for the first time Friday night, and although he is still working on figuring out where it's legal to place a word, he did really well in terms of pulling words out of scrambled tiles! After we played, he played once with Nana. When we got home, he played with his dad. Now that he has three practice games under his belt, we'll start keeping score. He told me, "Don't take it easy on me, Mom!" He should know that I would never.
This morning, we have all of the windows open and are just waiting on the cold front that will bring the temperature down from the 70s into the 40s. Normally, if it's going to get cold, I'd just try to keep the warmth in the house to stave off the heater coming on. But, dang, it's been so muggy and gross, I really want to feel the cold in all of its glory. I am wearing bike shorts and a tank top and can't wait until I need to put on pants and a sweatshirt! BRING IT!
*That's a joke. Clearly, the earth is a cube and the scientists are just trying to trick us because there are other planets that are also cubes very nearby and if we knew this, we could just hop around like Q-Bert without the need for commercial space travel and since no one can make money off of that system, they obscure it from us. Stay high, brothers.
Sometimes I think about what it must be like... just to walk away and have zero responsibility for a child you brought into the world.
All of the hard times and tears you've missed. All of the difficulties. You just live your life as if you never had a child. And maybe that hurts, but you're still protected. Protected from receiving the vitriol and anger. Protected from having to figure out what to try this time. Protected from hoping the next thing you try actually makes a difference.
You haven't invested thousands of dollars in care, in clothes, in food, in insurance, in medication. You haven't wrestled with how to love someone well who carries so much resentment toward you. You haven't had to watch your child struggle with needing and loving you when they so do not want to.
You live your life. You pursue what you will. You might have the occasional nagging thought of "what if..." but you never act on it. Not one time. You are your own world.
But I am the lucky one. I am the one who abides. All of the battles that child and I have fought, all of the words that have landed softly here and explosively there, the days of silence, the unexpected hugs... They're all mine.
You've missed so much, and I don't think you have the capability to care. I feel sorry for you.
"I was 50 years old when I finally got my nose pierced."
That's it. That's how the novel opens.
I don't actually know what happens after that, but the mind reels at the possibilities.
No cap, though, before James's and Mal's plane had landed in Seattle, I'd gotten a new tattoo (small rainbow on my neck; first one with color!) and my nose pierced. They're my birthday present to me.
See? It's super subtle!
I said "No cap" so you'll think I'm hip. I did the nose piercing because I freaking wanted to; they're so pretty and I've wanted one for a while. I'm a wimp, though, so it's not a septum piercing. I don't see how my Sapphic sisters do that. Also, cool thing about the hormonal whirlwind that might just be "the change," I am getting acne now. Good times. The day after my piercing, I developed a zit right above the site. Trying to manage that whilst also not really touching my nose in order to prevent an infection has been a lot of fun.
My birthday's in a couple of weeks, and James and Mal are on a short trip to see James's brother's family, including Luke the whippet. Seems like they're keeping busy and will probably both just crash out when they get home Monday night. Fortunately, James took Tuesday off to recover, and Mal's a kid so he doesn't really have much to do but catch up on rest when he gets here.
Since they've been gone, I've had lunch with my sister (her treat!), cleaned and organized James's office, done the permanent body modifications, had dinner with my friend Elana (her treat!) and our older kids, streamed a lot of television content while I was doing other stuff, swept and mopped all of the house where that's possible, cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms, had dinner with D (my treat!), and am planning to enjoy a morning all alone tomorrow when D starts their new job. Oh, and I've kept up with my DuoLingo Spanish lessons.
James was remarking the other day that I don't just sit down and chill a lot. I've really not been doing too much of that since he and Mal have been gone, but I've been doing more of it than usual.
Another fun possibly-perimenopausal-hormone-related thing, I'm getting so much less sleep than I have for most of my life. I typically need a GOOD 8 hours to function, and I'm getting more like 6.5-7.25 hours per night. I think I'm doing okay, but just have to get used to the fact that I need less sleep. So far, I haven't been plagued by the insomnia that is often present in women of a certain age. Guess we'll see how that goes.
It's Sunday now, so it's D's work orientation. It might not be necessary, because D might have a short day, but I'm planning to pack a sack lunch just in case they need food.
Then I'm going to try to roll out the dough I made yesterday for some hopefully fun sugar cookies I'm putting together for our LGBT-friendly homeschool meet-up group we started exactly one year ago! We have a great little den of friends from that. They're awesome kids, and I feel like they would be the antidote to folks who want to avoid their own children knowing about queer folks to "protect their innocence." Our awesome kids are about as starry-eyed and wholesome as you'd want kids to be. There's not a bully or mean girl among them. They're not perfect, but they're all great people who care about and enjoy each other so much. I'm super lucky I've gotten to watch them grow together, work out issues between themselves, and really develop deep connections with each other.
One other kind of cool thing... When I had dinner with my friend the other day, she asked me to take a look at a memoir she's been helping a guy write for the past five years. She's asked me to read/edit some work before, but until now I haven't felt that Mal was mature enough for me to be able to try. I'm going to give it a go now, though. They should be finished in the next few months, and I'll see what I can do.
It's almost light enough to go walk this morning, so I'm signing off for now!
For those of you keeping score, you'll know that Mal is turning 9 next month! I took this picture of him yesterday, wearing his 8th birthday shirt and we're going to have to retire the shirt soon!
A couple of weeks ago, Mal said that for his tenth birthday (yes, in 2024; he has had party themes lined up for almost a decade since he was 5), he wants to go to California. The things he specifically requested were: Super Nintendo World, Disneyland, and Hollywood.
I really had to think for a while about what he wants with "Hollywood," because I'm not sure what that means to him. When we lived in Las Vegas, we went to LA at least once a year, and during those times, we toured the NBC studios, where we saw sets from some of the shows we usually watched. We went to live tapings of "Home Improvement" twice (thanks, Dad!). We drove past the houses where they shot exteriors for Beverly Hills 90210 and Brady Bunch. We went to a small, quaint amusement park called Universal Studios Hollywood (which was only 30 years old at the time... and when we go with Mal, it will be 60 years old... which means that I AM OLD) where we got to see props and set pieces from familiar movies.
The thing is, Mal watches YouTube, cartoons, and a few live-action shows that James and I choose (oh, and every Star Wars show, which we all agree on). He doesn't have the "everyone has seen this" experience that I did when television was three channels plus PBS, and most of the movies we see now have sets courtesy of CGI rather than huge, sprawling creations like the Psycho hotel (which apparently is STILL there, even though we're probably two generations removed from being able to assume that anyone has viewed that particular pelicula).
However, after some time, I had worked out a perfectly-crafted trip incorporating things I felt Mal would consider iconic, as well as moving into some more of that nature that California is famous for so that James and I would feel equally catered to.
Then a couple of days ago, Mal decided that we HAVE to go to LEGOland. HAVE to. Before he turns 13. Because you can only drive the little cars where you get a LEGOland driver's license if you're under 13.
We'd planned to hit LEGOland first thing for our planned (and paid for ) April 2020 trip. In case you don't remember what happened in that far-away time, I'll refresh your memory: Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome Coronavirus-2. Remember that thing?
Mal would have been 5 for that trip, and even then, I thought we were reaching the end of the part of his childhood when he would find LEGOland interesting. One thing might be that he does NOT like thrill rides, so everything here will be his speed. But also, LEGOs. Or, more correctly, LEGO bricks. I know that's the proper way to say it, but it's so awkward. "Yay! Let's play with LEGO bricks!" Sorry, LEGO. It's just "LEGOs."
Anyhoo, I explained to him that I'd already planned a perfect trip that did not go that far south, and that trying to get that far south would mess everything else up. You might be thinking, as he did, "Why not just take one day and do it?" Well, if you're thinking that, then you're not the kind of trip planner that I am, and I'm not sure that I can make you understand.
But I'll try.
1) Have you ever heard of "crowd planner" websites? They're great. They let you know how busy theme parks will be on any given day, in general, your mileage may vary. I use them because I enjoy being able to have the most fun while avoiding the busiest days, thus making my big bucks that I spend on a trip go further. Because of those sites (my favorite is TouringPlans.com, and I'll join up just as soon as we're within a year of the trip so that I can get my personalized plan!), I know that in September, Disneyland has its Halloween party several times a week. On those days, if you don't have a ticket to the party, you have to leave the park at 5 PM. We did the Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party at Disney World in 2018 and it was fun, but I don't think we're interested in this one. SO that means that we need to hit either Magic Kingdom or California Adventure on either Monday or Wednesday. Those are the only two days of the week that we will want to be in a Disneyland park in September.
2) We don't want to go to ANY theme park on a weekend.
3) We don't want to take any flights on Friday-Monday.
4) We don't want to visit a state or national park on the weekend.
5) Some hotels in high-demand places have 2-night minimums during weekends or certain times of the year (like if it's a college town and you happen to want to stay there on parents' weekend, which I've only learned because I PLAN EARLY).
6) Since we're going to be bopping around so much, we will need to wash our clothes a couple of times on the trip (wash AND dry, because we'll have to pack them every or every other day), so I need to know that we'll have access to a guest laundry or nearby laundromat.
7. We're planning one night in a very popular national park that opens up reservations 366 days in advance, and they often sell out. Once I lock that reservation in, my ability to move things will be extremely restricted.
SO.
I happened to wake up at 4:30 Saturday morning, and my brain was telling me to get up and figure out how to squeeze LEGOland in. I worked out first, and then got to work. Two hours later, I had added, cut, and rearranged until I had another beautiful (if more road-heavy) trip worked out.
The night before, Mal had literally been sobbing about not being able to drive those cars before he turned 13. I try to treat my son as a fully-formed human with feelings that are worth of care, because he is and they are. But his crying about a still-pretty-hypothetical trip a year away (our last CA trip was canceled within 4 weeks of when we were supposed to go*) was a little much for me to absorb.
However, I felt he'd be so relieved to know that his good old mom made a way! So when I told him the next morning, he said, "Oh, okay." I was like, "WHAT? You were IN TEARS last night!" He said, "Huh? I don't remember that."
And that is why I'm not having any more kids.
Also, as aforementioned, I am old.
But also, he DID remember; he just thought I was saying that he cried in his sleep, and he didn't remember that.
But but also also, my early morning strategy session was greatly under-appreciated so I'm telling you in order to have my glorious accomplishment in writing forever, or at least as long as the internet lasts.
*Something interesting: James's brother's family had a trip to California, and LEGOland specifically, planned earlier this year. They got to the airport and soon after, Delta canceled their flight. They were able to find a flight 2 days later, but then Delta was unwilling to change their return flight without charging them, so they just got full refunds and bummed around their home state for a week. We decided that this might mean that California doesn't want anyone in our family there -- and specifically LEGOland, which wouldn't be in play if my original plan still stood. Are we cursed? Will we actually get to California? Set your reminders to check back in 15 months and we'll see!
At the risk of sounding like a sad old person: Can we talk about the weather?
We've had about a month of this, and it sucks. Las Vegas was hot, sure, but it WAS a dry heat. Here, it feels more dangerous. It's difficult to get outside to do anything but swim, though we are walking to the library and back for our weekly group meet-ups.
I look back and see pictures of us at the former-lake park year-round, including right now, and I am not sure whether it was significantly cooler or whether Mal was just small enough that he wasn't deterred by extreme heat.
Taken at the park in July 2019
Taken in August 2020 (see the water?!)
Between the politics here, and the increasingly uninhabitable climate, we might soon take refuge somewhere else. Mal has so many friends and my side of the family is all here... but good grief.
What do you guys think? Any hope regarding environmental changes that you want to share so I don't keep looking at rentals in Delaware?
A couple of months ago, we said goodbye to our white Fiat 500L. It had been mal- or non-functioning for months, and in the shop for several weeks prior to that. We decided at the time to see how we'd do with just one car, since James is still able to work from home and D doesn't have a job yet.
So far, it hasn't been too bad.
James has had to carpool with us on Sunday mornings, adding a little complication to his formerly carefree Sunday brunches. He just drops us off at the McDonald's where Mal meets his friend to play every week, then picks us up. Mal's friend went to California for a few weeks last month, so James got to relive his carefree dual car days.
We've taken a Lyft at least once (Mal hates it; he says he doesn't trust the drivers). D has needed to get somewhere last-minute when James was out buying groceries. Besides that, though, it hasn't been bad.
Plus, when we added D to our insurance, the premium doubled! I thought it might not be as bad since D was 21 instead of 16. However, when we took the second car off, the price halved, so we're back to our "normal" premium.
A few weeks ago, I had the idea to try to get to my parents' house using public transit to get to the Amtrak station. We'd need my folks to get us the last few miles, but it seemed like fun to try.
When I mentioned this plan to others, two different friends offered to drive us to the Austin train station. That was nice, but would the purpose of testing out our local transit.
So Thursday morning we left our house pretty early to be at the local bus stop by 7:05 AM to catch the commuter bus out of our neighborhood.
We got to the Lakeline Park and Ride in plenty of time to catch the 7:50 bus that would deposit us downtown at 5th and Bowie, which is only a few blocks from the train station.
We took a detour into Whole Foods to get train snacks. Mal picked some gorgeous fruit from their prepared food bar, and I got a multi-pack of chocolate bars.
We were at the train station by 8:50, which was 10 minutes before the station itself opens. When we could get in and sit in the air conditioning, Mal ate a bunch of strawberries, we used the restroom, and the bus pulled in at about 9:20.
We boarded and were on the final let of our trip just a little late, but made the time up at the only stop between here and Temple.
Door to door, this trip was almost 4 hours longer than it would have been if we'd just driven. However, we had lots of walking and breaks built in, and I got to really visit with Mal without having to focus on the act of driving.
Plus, the $30ish I spent on train and bus tickets (Mal was free as a companion to my fares) was more than gas one way would have cost me, but a lot less than the insurance and other amortized costs of owning a vehicle for the past two months would have been (several hundred dollars).
We'll eventually have two cars again, most likely. A lot depends on if D goes to the community college (which is easily accessible by the first bus Mal and I took; that bus is actually an express bus to the school), if/where they get a job, and if James ends up with a different job that requires him to commute.
For now, we're skipping along just fine. When it's so cost-effective to do so, we can deal with a little inconvenience, for sure.
PS I asked James about this and he says he vacillates on whether or not it's worth it, mostly on Sunday mornings when his custom is to go alone to brunch. I guess he doesn't love being tied to the fact that we're out and dependent on him. How rude.
Since then, he's stayed pretty consistently interested. He's constantly saying things like, "Did you know that Chad and Romania have the EXACT SAME FLAG?" And the answer is always that no, I did not know that.
I've actually learned a lot from Mal's interest in flags, as well. I've always loved maps and globes, and since he's into that now. In fact, after having bought Mal a beach ball globe a couple of years ago because we didn't want to shell out $50+ on a passing interest, I did buckle down and buy him one that will arrive tomorrow.
But I digress... One thing I've learned is that South Africa has three capitols because its executive, legislative, and judicial branches are in separate cities. That's pretty cool.
One thing we did get him recently was a foam map puzzle with a bunch of flags. He knew a lot of the flags, anyway, but since having put it together a couple of times, he knows all of them flawlessly. It's kind of a bummer because they didn't include any of the Central American or Caribbean countries (save Cuba), so we'll have to pick those up somewhere else. I did show him the Haiti flag immediately upon seeing it was snubbed.
Anyhoo, all of this exciting stuff to get around to my main point here.
One of my friends mentioned recently that unschooling never worked with her kids because they didn't take to "academic" stuff like what Mal is doing right now.
Now that I think about that statement, I see how a big idea in body liberation melds perfectly with the unschooling philosophy vis-Ã -vis the moral neutrality of most stuff in life. I believe it is Ragen Chastain who says something to the extent of "Running a marathon and having a Netflix marathon on your couch are moral equivalents." The world at large might celebrate running a marathon as the summit to a virtuous endeavor, but why? Vegging out, being lazy, and listening to your body when it says that you need a break is awesome. Running, if you like it, is awesome. Choosing to do one of those things over the other doesn't make you a better/worse person. It's just different people doing different things.
Getting back to unschooling and Mal: He has always taken a deep dive in the things he's interested in. His earliest obsession was probably the Disney Cars franchise. After we'd watched the movies once or twice, he could listen to the score and tell you what scene a piece of music was played. He knew the names of ALL of the characters, even background ones that might be shows once for three seconds in one of the three films. He collected hundreds of cars, he played with them almost every day, talked about it all of the time, found Cars shorts on the Disney Channel app on his own, noticed that some music was featured both in the movies and in the cartoons. It was two years of that.
He's also fixated on Unspeakable (which he still watches but not like when he was 5 or 6), Henry Stickman, NumberBlocks, Super Mario... and last year, Encanto. We actually have the play sets out on the kitchen table right now. He does bring them out to play and make scenes with occasionally. When the movie came out, though, he literally studied the songs until he knew all of the lyrics. In fact, his friend filmed him for almost half an hour once (she's a better audience than I am!)
When Mal finds something he likes, he has the space to take the time he wants to pursue it. With NumberBlocks, he learned a lot about how numbers work together. Since he got over that obsession, he's lost some of the multiplication tables, but I know that since he learned those things at 5 and 6 years old, he can remember and/or relearn them again in the future. He's learning a lot of geography and kind of civics with flags. Many times he'll act out a superficial version of relations between, say, Russia and Ukraine or North and South Korea using their flags as almost action figures. He'll probably forget a lot of this when he moves on to his next big interest.
The question is: Are those subjects superior to the strong relationships he formed with Cars and Encanto or a YouTube channel or a video game? Or all they all valuable pursuits for the pursuits' sake? Is the only reason I or others see unschooling as justified because Mal is learning something that some educational decision-makers out there who have never met him have decided is "important"?
I would argue that this cycle of finding something enjoyable and then wanting to know more and delve into it more is worthy in and of itself. It's what makes life worth living. My sister likes plants. My dad likes trains. My mom likes to read. Some day James and I will have time to figure out what we like again, I'm sure of it.
But my point is that, as adults, we get the option of pursuing interests without the baggage of "but what use is it in life?" My dad can watch Virtual RailFan and plan vacations around trains without people accusing him of "playing" and suggesting that he reads more books, like my mom does. We get to like what we like.
I'm enjoying this geographical path we're on right now, but I loved Cars and Encanto, too (he was on his own with Unspeakable). Mal is who he is and he's becoming the person he will be. Without anyone telling him what is really important and what he SHOULD be spending all of his time on. I love that for him.
My sister texted me yesterday as she was watching "Shiny Happy People," a docuseries about the Duggars specifically and the IBLP more broadly. Although we didn't choose to homeschool because of the reason a lot of super conservative Christians did, I was certainly adjacent to the Quiverfull movement and swam in the waters of top-down authority (like God, Father, Mother, kids; or God, male church leadership, female church leadership, members, etc.). And although I might have paid lip service to authoritarianism both as a parent and within the patriarchy, I always chafed against it and was pretty bad at submitting myself to basically anyone.
In honor of this most recent exposure of Bill Gothard and this whole establishment (I'm not linking because, honestly, let's not give them any more eyeballs), I wanted to share two things that Mal said this weekend that these people would consider a failure due to my parenting. Have I ever been more proud? It's hard to say.
Friday, we were at Urban Air with some friends. The kids pick a table where they can enjoy snacks and hanging out when they're taking a break, and the parents sit together at a different table. Mal had been jumping and come back with one of his friends for a drink. An 11-year-old girl was sitting where Mal had been sitting earlier, and he asked her if she could get up so he could sit down. She moved to a different table alone, and he just plopped down at the edge of the booth.
I said, "Mal, will you scoot over so that Abby can sit back down?" He just looked at me like I'd asked him to stab himself, and turned back around. I said, "Malcolm, you need to move over so Abby can have her seat back." Mal announced, "Mom, I'm not listening to you." I said, "Hopefully you'll start listening to me soon or you're not going to have any friends because you're being a jerk." He said, "Mom, I've listened to you my whole life, and today I'm just not going to do it."
After he left, the mom of the girl he had asked to move said, "I know it's not funny, but it's also so funny."
The next day, we went to see Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse (so good!) and at one point, I thought I saw something fly in the air in front of the screen. A couple of minutes later, I noticed it again and it was just a moment after Mal had gotten a piece of popcorn. I realized he was eating around the kernel then just tossing the kernel into the row in front of us (where someone was sitting!) I said, “Mal, you can’t throw stuff like that.” He looked at me pointedly and said, “You’re not supposed to talk during a movie.” I said, “DO NOT THROW ANYTHING over there. If you have a kernel, just drop it in the floor and they’ll sweep it up after. Okay?” He just blinked and said, “You. Are. Not. Supposed to talk during the movie.”
I'm almost certain that I would have gotten a spanking for responding either way to my parents when I was Mal's age. It just never would have occurred to me. And I guess some people might say he's being disrespectful and shouldn't talk to me like that. But for me, the problem behaviors were the ones I was addressing, and I don't want to take focus from those by insisting on a perfect response to me, at the expense of having him think about what I was actually telling him. In the case of the movie, anyway, he didn't throw any more popcorn.
Plus, I don't always respond to people in a completely measured way, and I don't actually have a problem with his being frustrated with me and expressing it. So I guess I'm failing as a mom, but it feels right. I'm going to keep doing it.
Mal will be nine years old soon, and would be going into third grade if he were in school (his birthday is late in September, so he'd be one of the oldest amongst his grade cohorts). He loves homeschooling and unschooling specifically, and has so far resisted any suggestion I've made about taking ANY kind of class, even something fun like dance or martial arts. In his brain, "classes" equals "school" and he wouldn't then be a homeschooler. He has little idea that his homeschool friends have at-home curricula and structured enrichment programs.
I am fully confident that he knows that he needs to know at his age, and he's obviously happy and opinionated about his educational path. But recently D has expressed quite a bit of resentment about how they feel I just threw my hands up and "Jesus, take the wheel"ed their later school years (which isn't how it went on my end, but I know that intent isn't the same as impact, and I am very sorry and regretful that I didn't, I guess, push more forcefully... which was my bent as a mostly "authoritarian" parent at the time, and which seemed to be making our relationship worse... but I digress. I should also add that I'm fully confident that D can succeed in anything they want to do; but they are on very insecure footing because of how I conducted things).
Also, I've been thinking a lot about how Mal is just quickly dismissive of trying things that he thinks sound "too involved" or of sticking with certain things. So James and I decided it would be a good idea for him to take something, anything, just A class next fall. Once a week is fine. And he freaked out when we told him. I brought up dance again, and he said, "I know how to dance!" I told him, "Sure, but there's something neat about learning specific steps, practicing them with friends, and then getting to perform a whole dance together." He was unconvinced.
He's since told me that he'd cry every single day of his life once he was enrolled in a class, which sounds exhausting. He's said that he doesn't want to take any classes until driving school (which is ironic since D just practiced with James and me and otherwise was self-taught). He has asked me why I want to ruin his life.
However, recently he's taken an interest in, of all things, flags of the world.
I think it all started when he'd seen a YouTuber "rating" various countries' Emergency Management System alarms. That got him to look up the countries and see their respective flags. Now he has so many countries' flags memorized.
When we were Montreal, we saw flag shops everywhere.
We dropped into a little pizza shop on the McGill University campus, and it had a bunch of international flags hanging from the ceiling. Mal was able to name just about 70-75% of them. Then yesterday, we went to visit Nana and Pappy; they pulled up a video on YouTube where you try to guess what country a flag is from, and he was able to peg 37 of the 50!
So he has said that if I can find him a geography class, he's interested in that. He's very into continents, where countries are in relationship to each other and their continents, which countries are allies and which are enemies, and other things like that. Please keep your fingers crossed that we can find a robust elementary-aged geography class in the fall!
Also, just because I was curious, I bought a Brain Quest 2nd/3rd grade summer bridge activity book. D used to love Brain Quest books, and we did a lot of them (pretty much every one through 6th grade). Mal's completed the first section so far and he's actually enjoying it. I just call it his "activity book," and he has some of the same hang-ups D did ("Why can't I do it this way instead?" Doodling all over the place so it's hard to see what he actually did. Kid stuff), but he's able to do everything easily. Even things like commas and apostrophes, which, again, we've NEVER "studied" because we don't, he understands how to use them. We'll finish the book because he's having fun, and so am I. I did get to spend quite a bit more hands-on time with D as a kid because of our "doing school" a couple of hours a day.
All of that to say: The kid is all right. It's fine. I actually got him to go to an "open gym" by basically making him (I've asked all semester and he always said no, so I just did it), which he liked a lot. This week is the last session until fall, but that's another thing he can look forward to.
Our summer is getting busy, already. Lots of activities, movies coming out, musicals, fun stuff. Hopefully it all involved a lot of a/c or a lot of water to get into, though!
This has been a fast few days! Mal keeps saying, "How can we be leaving tomorrow? We've only been here two days!" We have been fortunate to have lovely weather and even with James's bone spurs acting up and some rain and cold yesterday, we've been able to fit in a lot. I mean, obviously we didn't get to see or eat at 10% of the possibilities I'd highlighted on my personalized Google Map, but we certainly hit most of the highlights.
Friday morning, we did indeed go to Old Montreal and kick around a bit. We visited the Notre Dame Basilica, which I was unable to go into 25 years ago as it was under refurbishment. They're working on one of the spires right now, but the inside was accessible and it's every bit as soaring and opulent as advertised.
We walked to the Old Port, and Mal played on the small playground there for a while. We'd hoped to visit the "beach" at the Clock Tower, but it apparently doesn't open until June 16.
Mal was crushed about the beach, but rallied when he found Mamu! that had a strawberry banana Nutella crepe featured on the sandwich-board menu out on the sidewalk. We had an unplanned lunch there after visiting the Notre Dame de Bonsecours basilica. It's one of Montreal's oldest churches, dedicated to sailors. Some of the light fixtures were boats, which was neat, and it was much more understated than the church up the street. But it was still pretty fancy compared to modern-day pared-down modern church design.
We took our afternoon rest, then went out for dinner at Schwartz's Deli. We were seated at a table with a local family whose daughter looked like she was just about Mal's age. We chatted with them for a while and thoroughly enjoyed our Montreal smoked meat sandwiches.
There was a playground nearby where Mal was able to burn off some steam before walking back to the hotel.
Unfortunately, the next morning, James woke up with his bone spurs/Achilles tendonitis in high gear. We had timed tickets to a Van Gogh immersive experience (sorry, Hannah Gadsby; the only other choice was too "mature" for Mal), so he hobbled his way to that, then the plan was to take it easy until we were to meet his cousin and uncle (and their spouses and a new baby) at a park.
The show was very cool, and afterwards, James made his way back to the hotel while Mal and I found a cane for him, got Mal some McDonald's, and then got lunch for James and me from Restaurant Noodle Factory in Chinatown.
Later, we went to Parc La Fontaine to meet James's cousin, Cynthia, who just had a baby a couple of weeks ago. Her parents, including James's favorite uncle, happened to be in town for the joyous occasion, so we got to see them. The last time James saw his uncle Kermit was back in 2011 when James was living in Dallas. Kermit and his wife, Cheryl, live in France, so they don't get to connect very often. Cynthia's husband, Fabrice, was kind enough to give James a ride back to our hotel (we've been using public transit, but you still have to walk to/from the stops, and the park stop is on the opposite side of the park where we met them, which is a good 3/4 of a mile away.
Mal and I went off to do some more sight-seeing. We hadn't needed to ride the train for a couple of days, and Mal wanted to do that. After we'd gone all over town, I dropped Mal off at the hotel and got us food from Slice and Soda.
Sunday we had reserved for James's rest day. Mal decided that he'd like to spend all day at the hotel, as well. So I got up super early, went across the street, and rented a Bixi to ride over to Parc Jean-Drapeau.
Since it was before 7 AM on a Sunday, I largely had the streets (and the Jacques Cartier bridge) to myself. The Montreal skyline looks lovely from across the St. Laurence River. And I got to see the apartments built for Expo '67 up close!
I rode the bike about 8.5 miles, then turned it in at a dock near the metro station, from where I rode back to the hotel. By then, Mal was hungry and wanted to indulge his Sunday McDonald's tradition.
By the time James had had a full day of resting, he was good to get out to our high tea reservation at Cardinal Tea Room. It was really neat, tasty stuff, good service. And I knew Mal would not be remotely interested, so we took a big activity book and crayons for him. He stayed busy the whole hour and a half or so that we were there.
Monday, we took Mal by Parc Toussaint-Louverture to play (he says "I was famous there!" because there were a couple of preschool classes playing in the park, and they were fascinated with him), then took the metro to see the Barbie Expo! It was just hundreds of Barbie dolls dressed up as movie characters, dressed by famous designers, wearing outfits suggestive of many companies, etc.
Mal enjoyed hanging out at the mall for a bit, then we walked down to Mary, Mother of the World church.
The wind picked up, ushering in a cold front, as we made our way to Campo, a Portuguese chicken place, for lunch. I had the pork sandwich, James had the chicken, and Mal just had fries. It was all so good.
We came back to the hotel for James to rest, and I went up to a doughnut place we'd been wanting to try... unfortunately, they were closed on Monday and Tuesday so instead I just had an afternoon sight-seeing jaunt.
We elected to have dessert for dinner, as a place right down the road from us looked amazing, but not the kind of place where you'd eat after you'd had a proper meal.
Wednesday, we went back to Old Montreal to the Montreal Science Center. Mal spent the first portion of the day mad that he couldn't go into the area that's reserved for the under-7 set. But then he found the water area and we ended up somehow losing the whole day there! When we stopped for "lunch" later and realized it was almost 4 PM, we were shocked.
Mal had, of course, McDonald's for lunch; but I got sandwiches for James and me from Olive et Gourmando. It was pouring rain and getting much cooler as we made our way back to the hotel. For dinner, we ended up eating all of the remaining snacks we had in the room. Mal had an apple and some cheese and crackers, I had a cucumber and peanut butter and crackers, and James had a bagel and some chocolate.
Today, Wednesday, is our last full day here. James wanted to go back into Old Montreal to visit a stained glass shop, and Mal and I headed the opposite direction to go to an indoor playground.
As it is a school day, Mal was the only kid there. He played for about an hour and a half, then we made our way back to the hotel via first the McDonald's at the train station where we transferred from our bus (and I finally tried McD's poutine, which I understand makes me a garbage person, but I swore I would try it, and I did, and now I never have to again) and then to the doughnut place I'd missed on Monday.
Mal and I got to spend a LOT of time on public transit today, and I think that's one thing he's really going to miss about Montreal!
We are getting packed up and ready to go tomorrow, and I'd love to order in, but Mal wants us all to go out to dinner together, which is sweet.
We took the bus from the airport to the hotel the day we got in, but with James's bum leg acting up, we're probably going to take an Uber back to the airport tomorrow.
James has to check a bag because of the stained glass stuff he got, so we'll have to wait longer to get that taken care of and get through security without TSA PreCheck.
Over all, a great week that I'm sorry James had to pull the reigns on because of his leg. I've loved every minute of it, but know Mal will be excited to see his friends, and it will be nice to see D soon!
