Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Guys, I'm Tired

It seems like Mal was doing a growth-spurt thing this weekend, eating voraciously, and then nursing *a lot* at night. Like a lot a lot. Like I'm starting to want to wear undergarments all day and night because my girls are just tender and touchy and even if I accidentally brush up against the refrigerator door when I'm opening it, I want to yell at the door, "Leave me alone for three seconds!"

Now, he might be sick or he might be teething. Very easily upset, very demanding, very... booby. I was actually able to put him off the longest we've ever gone on Saturday: just over 4 hours! It would have been longer, but his gym was closed over the weekend for Thanksgiving, and so I ended up nursing him for a bit when we got home because he'd gone to sleep in the car and I wanted him to stay asleep when we got home. And the reason I was able to make it so long is that we went out to breakfast, then to the grocery store. At home, he's less easily distracted. I offer him water, food, a baby food pouch, or I say, "Just a minute. Let me go put my contacts in," etc. to see if he'll forget. This morning, there was no forgetting. I didn't even make it to 9 AM, and had already nursed him about 4 times before he fell asleep at 11ish. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

Also, the more emotional Mal is (up or down), the more likely he is to bite. And nothing is worse than getting bit/hurt when your patience is already worn down and you're really, REALLY trying to be maternal and caring. A furious little bubble pops inside of my chest and I have to fight so hard not to yell at him. I'm not saying I don't say, "Do NOT bite Mommy" between clenched teeth, because I do. I'm just super ready for that phase to be over with. And it's also more than a bit humbling how hard it is to control my own temper sometimes.

It's funny... a lady in the cry room yesterday at church asked me how Mal was sleeping. She has a little girl probably about the same age, and then an older girl. She said the older girl has always had sleep issues, and they're trying to avoid it with the younger daughter; she thought maybe I'd figured out the secret. I just laughed. I think I've just gotten used to the sleep thing. I wish it were easier, but I don't fight it anymore. If I did, I'd have gone crazy. I'd be a lot more exhausted than I am. And I'm finding the actual bed-sharing part isn't as bad as I'd thought it might be. The waking up every hour or so I could do without but, again, we've kind of just gotten used to it. I've gotten really good at conking back out pretty quickly.

Mal is definitely growing and maturing. He understands things. I can ask him to do something and he might or might not do it, but he definitely understands what I'm asking, as long as it's about something familiar to him and I make it a simple request. Yesterday, he'd taken an eyeball from a book (don't ask) into the other room and had come back later. I asked him if he could go back and get the eyeball so I could put it where it belongs. He thought about it for a minute, and he did it!

-- Update from the next day: The rest of the day was more of the same, exhaustion-wise. Several bitings, lots of cryings. I try to have so many "yes" spaces in our house, but it seems like Mal gravitates to the "no" things, and now that he can climb, it's worse. I feel like I'm saying "No, get down; that's dangerous; you'll hurt yourself; I'm sorry you're mad, but..." about 80% of my waking time.

So, actually, stuff is probably developmentally appropriate, baby-wise. And it's tiring. That's just the nature of the beast. But I'm also a little tired... of... people. :\ This probably explains a lot about my post yesterday about how I don't have any friends.

Last week was Thanksgiving, and there was just so much disgruntled rumbling all over the place: Stores selling Christmas stuff "too early," people putting up their decorations "too early," stores being open on Thanksgiving, people being jerks going to those stores or waiting in lines for Black Friday sales. I don't get why people are so hacked off. Just celebrate the holiday the way YOU want to and don't worry about everyone else, maybe?

Then there's all of the tension about accepting Syrian refugees. The response from so many people has been so negative. I'm sorry, but I don't get it. Take a look at this photo essay. I realize there are adult male refugees and that people are concerned that they might have bought into ISIS, but I think that is statistically insignificant enough that we can extend a welcome, as our country is supposed to do, what with the huddled masses yearning to be free and all. The rhetoric going on around this has been demoralizing to the max. I hurt for the refugees and I hurt that people can harden their hearts against people who are desperately in need of asylum because they're scared for themselves. I don't know. Maybe I'd feel differently if threatened. I hope not.

And tons of people are posting, like recently, within the last week, about the evils of screens. This, to me, is like my fighting my son to sleep "better." It is what it is, so chill out and if you want to change your own habits, go for it. But most of the stuff being published is alarmist and without foundation. For instance, one recent post included the fact that ADHD diagnoses have increased since the introduction of computers/smart phones/tablets, etc. into our home. But correlation does not equal causation! You know what else has happened during that same time? School days have gotten longer. Kids are not going to recess or art class or music class in a lot of schools. They are involved in activity after activity when they're not in school. Run here, run there, do your homework at the gym while your sister practices. And then we blame computers when they can't concentrate on something?

Not to mention the fact that we expect children to act like adults more and more and when they don't, we "diagnose" them and often dose them.

I'm not buying at all that this is the fault of computers or tablets or smart phones. Have those things changed our lives? Definitely. For the worse? I seriously doubt it.

I was going to go off on another tangent, but I won't. I'll just say that there have been things like televisions and fish tanks and magazines in waiting rooms for a long time to give people something to do and to look at that is NOT the person sitting across from them. So people on their phones in situations like that don't bother me. Actually, a family at dinner all on their phones doesn't bother me. If that's how they want to enjoy their meal, who cares? It's not my business. Let them do it.

I had to stop writing this yesterday because my sweetheart woke up and life started up again. But in thinking it over the rest of the afternoon, I realized what I have to do: I have to use Facebook like I use email: to communicate efficiently with people when necessary, and "delete" everything else. Since I can't do that literally, I'm deciding to stop reading my news feed at all. I'll go in and check on my family and some friends, of course, but I'm just going to have to stop reading the rest. I know I can hide people, but the time it would take me to hide everyone... I just don't want to. I'm just going to stop. I have to, for my mental health.

I compare it to this: I had a dear friend I loved immensely who just had a negative outlook on life. He could stuff it for a while, but the closer we got, the more constant the stream was: Everyone hated him, including God. Everything was out to get him. People were all jerks and losers and screwing him out of the happy life he deserved. In the end, I told him that I couldn't be his friend anymore because I didn't share his gloom and doom view of the universe, and I couldn't stand to be poured into by that train of thought anymore.

Honestly, this has been brewing since the Marriage Equality Act passed several months ago. I was just crushed and disheartened by the response of so many people... or the articles and blogs to which they were linking.

I should have stopped then, honestly. And if I've replied rather aggressively to a post you've made in the past two or three weeks, I'm sincerely sorry. It got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore and I accidentally slipped into this:


It's eating up too much of my emotional and mental energy, and I really need that for my family. And for you, when I see you in person. So, again, I apologize.

I wish, I really do, that Facebook still allowed you to choose "only important updates" to see from people. I love the pictures of your life, your kids, your dogs, your food, and to know what movie you just enjoyed. But I can't read any more about how someone in Obama's cabinet is a known Muslim trying to convert America to Islam. Friends, I just can't.

So thanks for being patient with me (internet-wise, and in person... because it's seriously difficult to find words when I'm talking to a face because of the toddler thing), and thanks for reading and being my friend even when I'm disgruntled about people being so dang disgruntled. I need to focus on positive things. I WANT to focus on positive things. Onward and upward, then...

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