Happy Marriages

I've often wondered why some marriages work and others fail. All too often, the failures are obvious from miles away. But many times they just seem (to outsiders) to have happened out of the blue after many years of success.

What's the difference between those and the ones that continue for entire lives?

A few months before Laura and I got together, a wise friend (I generally try to avoid naming names, but I suspect Kirsten Stensaas Jackson will appreciate the publicity) told me the secret to her life-long marriage (it was only 17 years, since her husband was tragically taken away far too young. But I suspect she'll never remarry): Wake up every day and choose to be happy and dedicated to making your marriage healthier and stronger.

That doesn't work if you're in one of those train-wreck doomed-from-the-beginning marriages. But I suspect that a lot of people who seem to be in one of those could probably make it work if they both just did that.

Then again, I've seen far too many marriages where one person threw themself into that wholeheartedly, only to discover years later that that other had really just been along for the ride.

So it also has to be mutual.

I ran across this definition many years ago: "I love you" means "Your happiness means more to me than my own."

In America, we tend to think of love as an emotion. Or a feeling. A couple of months or so ago, I heard an interview a with someone from China. This person derided the American pop culture idea of "love."

Most people I know who think of love think of it in terms of that young love zing sort of thing that clouds your judgment and makes you do stupid things like moving to another country to be with someone you barely know. We seem to think in terms of passion and energy and need.

If you pay attention, a lot of the pop culture version of "love" revolves around things like

•  creepy stalker behavior
•  long-term damage to your body to shape it (and thus you) into something that's worthy of all the benefits that stem from making it lovable
• Romeo/Juliet levels of stupidity when relationships don't work out
• the idea that there's some individual soul mate (The One) who's perfectly compatible
• snagging a good match before someone else manages to sink their claws into "the One"
• the belief that that initial zing you felt when Cupid's arrow hit will last
• the subsequent disappointment when it doesn't
• a woman's loss of identity when she submits to a man
• a man's drive to conquer a/many woman/women

I could easily write an entire blog entry about each and every one of those fallacies. I'm pretty sure other people have already covered them much better than I possibly could. (For example, a lot's been written about that initial "zing" is called either "new relationship energy" (or NRE) or limerance, mostly depending on the context).

And those are just the ones that popped into my head immediately.

But this is a diversion.

Back to that interview with the Chinese:

Their culture doesn't really place any importance on love at all.

To them, marriage is really about the devotion.

I think it's pretty safe to say that all people have been lovable (and deserving of our love) at some point in their life. If you truly get to know someone else, you're going to feel some love for them. Even if it's just "at some point in his life, he was just a vulnerable child who needed love."

Some people are not capable of maintaining a loving relationship. That doesn't make them any less lovable or deserving of love, but it does make them very unlikely to find anyone who will truly be devoted to them for the long-term. I suspect these people are extremely rare, and I feel very sad for them.

But, in general, if you make the effort to devote a little time and energy to your devotion to your spouse (or spouses...even if it isn't legal, I'll give a shout out to polyamory), and they reciprocate, it seems like it can probably work out fine.

Not that I'm an expert on long-term relationships by any means. I'm pretty sure it was my mom who convinced me that can't truly know another person until you've been married to them for 10 years. From that perspective, Laura and I are halfway to getting to know each other.

And I won't claim that we've worked out all the jagged edges. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about a lunch date that I had with Laura's pastor (Jacob). He tried pretty hard to convince me to just call the marriage off at the last minute. Well, not call it off. Just postpone it so we could sort through all the spiritual and scriptural ramifications.

My argument at the time was a little bit lame. Laura and I had already committed. For all intents and purposes, she'd already moved in. He told me that was OK: we could figure out an alternative. I still don't know what he had in mind.

Her stuff was in my house. She wasn't moving in without the legally binding covenants: she was setting the "proper" example for her kid. She had already donated her home to charity. She was living in an AirBNB with a dog chorus that was so crazy that she showed back up at the Nuthaus for a while to play Battlestar Galactica for a while before her spine betrayed her again and she had to run away just far enough for me to catch her.

In retrospect, the discussion with Jacob seems almost humorous. He basically grew up with no knowledge about Christ, and had become the shepherd of one of Austin's most liberal tiny churches.

I grew up in a pretty extremely fundamentalist/evangelical church and have decided that I simply cannot believe the things I was taught then about the Bible. The God and Jesus with whom I grew up are such monsters that I cannot worship them.

If that version of the Bible is true, then I'd rather spend eternity in Hell than praising the sort of God who would Create a reality that followed those rules.

If my interpretation of Jesus's love and forgiveness is correct, then we all receive it and get into Heaven. Or maybe we already have. Either way, I don't believe that Jesus is going to hold this sort of question against anyone, if Jesus is the Real Deal.

On the same lines, I simply cannot believe that Jesus' love and forgiveness doesn't extend to people who don't buy into the concept of Original Sin or His divinity.

Because of Jacob's personal theology, I think he believed that Laura was risking her immortal soul by marrying me. Due to this, he not only refused to officiate the wedding, he decided he couldn't even endorse it by showing up.

Huh. I didn't realize until now that I'm still bitter about that.

Jacob, if you ever happen to read this, please know that this was never a personal grudge. I'm shocked to discover this bitterness. Your presence would have meant a lot to Laura, and I like you enough that I'd have felt extra happiness if you'd showed up. 

Then again, this was before we got any chance to know each other in Haiti. At this stage in our relationship, you were asking about my heart, and I was trying to figure out what you meant. Or maybe I was just guarding it very closely. I'd just been through a lot of pain, and I wasn't ready to share it with a stranger.

To complete the side-track, I really appreciate Jacob's approach to Christianity: on nights like tonight, I still vividly remember the first sermon I ever attended, where he discussed the fact that apostleship is a continuum of belief between absolute certitude and very serious doubt.

When you think about the analogy the Bible makes repeatedly between marriage and the Church, it seems worth pointing out that continuum.

Since I decided to dedicate my life to Laura, I haven't ever gotten close to that "very serious doubt" side of things. I'm sure they'll happen. They're bound to, right? I'm told that I'll start I have the 7 year itch thing to look forward to.

I think I remember discussing it with other couples who told me that it hit them around Year 9 instead.

I'm not worried about it.

Because I'm completely and totally devoted to my wife.

And our children, but I don't expect them to be around in 30 years.

I know she's a dirty rotten liar, but I'm pretty sure that she's also pretty devoted to me. I've found that I don't really mind when she lies to other people to make my life better.

I'm sure that's a character flaw on my part. I decided long ago that I'm going to love everything about her (disclaimer: loving asthma is a tough thing. I wish she didn't have to deal with it, but I think I'm going to be forced to find a way to wage war against Big Pharma so she can breathe)

So...there's where I am at Year 5.

Holy shit. I can't believe it's been this long.

For all intents and purposes, I think we're both still happy. 

If we aren't, then I wish she'd let me know before. But then I never even asked you to promise. Just that you couldn't expect me to realize if this falls apart.

We should probably revive our regular health-check.  Once upon a time, we used to ask each other whether we were doing OK. I'd like to keep that active. I think we're doing great, but I want to always remember to ask and make sure that you do also.

I'm going to scroll way back through all the ideas and streams of consciousness that I've just babbled out.

Laura, I love you.

I feel happy just thinking about you, and. more than anything else, I want you to be happy.

And well rested. That's a nice bonus that I fantasize about for text year.

Happy Anniversary, my Love.

Thank you for everything.