Melting Down

Yesterday was Father's Day. In the morning, we'd gotten out our "ironing bead" set for Mal to make something for James.

Mal used the beads to make this all by himself in December 2020. It's the universe.

He'd decided to make a heart, but was having a difficult time actually shaping a heart. So I told him that I would do the outline, and he could fill it in and decorate the rest of the form; then I would iron it, of course.

He added about a half-dozen beads, then left the project. A couple of times throughout the day, I asked him if he wanted to finish it up so I could iron it, but he said he'd do it in the break after church and before he went to the park for a play date. (Our church meets at 4 PM and his friend was going to be at the park around 8 PM... hey, it's really hot in Texas right now, and this is one of the only acceptable times to be outdoors doing movement.)

On the way home from church, Mal remembered his project. He said, "Mom, you're going to have to help me finish it." I told him I was going to iron it. He said, "No, you have to help me put the beads on. I can't do it." I said, "Sure you can. And the gift is from YOU, so you need to do it. I made Dad some tin roof sundae ice cream, and tomorrow morning, I'm making some pumpkin French toast that he wants. Those are my gifts."

Mal got very upset and said, "YOU HAVE TO HELP ME! I'd rather DIE than do it!" I told him that if he were that stressed about it, that he could just not do it and it would be fine. But he insisted that he needed to give his dad something and that it was my responsibility to make sure it got done.

When we got home, he kept bugging me about it, and said he wanted to ask his dad for his opinion. James was outside working on the back lot, but when he got back in, Mal quietly mentioned that he wanted me to finish this project, and wasn't James on his side?

Mal was both surprised and disappointed that James didn't agree with him. But he decided to start on adding more beads. He was complaining to me that he couldn't find any more pink beads. Then he said that he thought the heart was misshapen and he could take 3 beads off of the top of one of the halves and it would look better. After he did that, he realized that it looked very lopsided. So his fix for that was to start over. He dumped the tray off, throwing the beads back into the box. Making the heart in the first place hadn't been easy, and I guess my face conveyed the shock I felt.

He started yelling, "That was YOUR FAULT! All you had to do was say yes you'd help me. But you said no, so YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DID THAT!" 

Mal has this thing about blaming other people for situations he's in. We talk to him about it a lot, and it's very difficult for him. Sometimes, he tries. Sometimes, he'll say, "I want to take responsibility for my actions, so that was my fault." But it has to be low stakes. If it's important to him, negative occurrences are never because of his own decisions.

While he was complaining, James came back into the room. Again, Mal mentioned that he'd rather die than do the thing alone. As I had before, James calmly told him that if he was that stressed about it, he just shouldn't do it and it would be fine. Mal screamed, "But I want to give you something for Father's Day!"

Mal cried, then he kept repeating, "Mom, this is all because of YOU. You were being so mean, and you wouldn't help me, and YOU are the reason that we have to start all over!"

He said it so many times, and I was so tired for him and for me, that I said, "Mal, you need to stop talking about it."

Something snapped. He started shaking and yelled through clenched teeth, "YOU. MAKE. ME. SO. MAD!" He got up from the table and started for his room. "That's it! I am so mad right now, I want to hurt you! You don't care about me, and I don't care about you! I regret every time I told you I love you! I'm going to slam my door, and I'm going to lock it!"

He did slam his door and lock it. Then he yelled from inside, "I'm not even sorry I did that!" A moment later, he opened his door and said, "I am sorry, God, for saying this, but Mom, I hate you! I hate you so much and I am NEVER going to deal with you again!" Then he slammed it again.

He was in there for about 10 minutes and came back out. He was crying and yelling. I tried to go hug him, but he pushed me away and said, "NO! I don't want you!" But then he just started crying like a baby again. I approached him to hug him, and this time, he leaned in and hugged me back. Then he went back in his room and would issue a scathing diatribe every few minutes. 

Fortunately, James took him to the park pretty soon after, and I put the beads away so it wouldn't be a visual reminder.

When they got home, I told Mal that I was very glad he felt free to express his feelings when he was mad. But I also told him that no matter how much he might want to hurt someone when he's mad, he can't do it. I told him not only was is just a bad thing but that it was assault and against the law. He was all breezy and saying, "Oh, of course not. I'm not stupid!" 

It was so intense, and I feel out of my depth for how to help him handle those big feelings. He cries almost every day about SOMETHING, and he often gets SO mad at me for what he thinks are injustices I enact upon him. James and I both try to let him know that we love him no matter what, and in calmer times try to explain to him why the way he's operating isn't sustainable... but, man... parenting is HARD, y'all.

Daddy's Gone, Day 1

Good evening, fellow humans I'm sure are still out there even though I'm holed up in my house alone with a couple of kids and no one to talk to about the day's news and minutia. Okay, maybe I'm being overly-dramatic. James has left town before, but only for one or two nights. This week, he's gone the entire work week, and while I weathered longer periods of singe-handed toddler care with D, as we've noted ad infinitum, Mal is different. Good different, but, you know.

This weekend was fun and weird. A lot like our family, in general.

First, my parents came over super early Saturday so James and I could go see "The Incredibles 2." Alone. Because neither child was interested. Hmph. Well, we enjoyed it. Then we went to Logan's Roadhouse for James's quarterly meat ingestion (thanks, gout!).

After we got home, almost as soon as my parents left, I got the overwhelming urge to dig up some stuff from our planter outside. Some stuff had sprung up rather quickly earlier this spring, and I had decided to let it grow a bit to see what it was.

We have some Mexican Petunia, which bloom gorgeous purple flowers that last one day and replenish entirely the next. It's amazing. They're self-propagating, and spreading in that bed, but I knew it wasn't that. Then I was doing some research to find out this vine that's taking over our yard was, and learned it is Carolina snailseed. In the process, I realized that the fast-growing plants beside the Mexican Petunias, two inches away from our home's foundation, were TREES.

They needed to come out, and it seemed like a thing to do, so I did. In the process, I got really irritated about how nasty our rose bushes are and took them out, too. As soon as I finished, it poured rain, so I was glad to have gotten it over with.

Then Sunday morning, Mal and I went to the Hill Country Water Gardens and Nursery after church. Love that place.

Found a couple of bushes, one of which I believe I had in Sherman. If so, when they bloom next spring, it will smell AMAZING.

Got home to plant those, and I was just super beat from the day before, and the heat an humidity. Plus, I found more than twelve feet of root all down the bed from a nearby tree. Had to hack that out before I could dig holes for the bushes. Also pulled out all of the tubing for the sprinkler system, which doesn't work, anyway, and it's hard to dig around.

I was just pretty much worn out when Mal came out and wanted to play with the hose. Once he came out and gave me a shower every few minutes, I was able to complete the job! I didn't take any pictures because I didn't weed the bed or anything, so it's not pretty. I just plopped the plants down in there and we'll hope for the best.

We took James to Dos Salsas for dinner for Father's Day, and otherwise just hung out and helped (or watched) James pack for his trip.

Oh! Mal slept from about 9:30 PM until 6:00 AM last night! That;s the record to beat!

This morning, Mal was awake to watch James leave in the Super Shuttle. We played and watched his flight, then went to Target, where I bought Mal a big collection of PJ Masks characters he's wanted, with the understanding that it's all we're buying while Daddy's gone. (We'll see if he's able to keep up his end of the bargain.)

Then we came home, had lunch, played, watched some TV, and Mal was ready to get out again, this time to Jump Street. He played there for about an hour, and I didn't take any pictures, but here's one from Friday.

We actually went twice on Friday. Most kids pay by the hour, but kids 4 and under are a set price for the whole day because they can't do much. We figured, why not make the most of it, and James went with us later in the evening that day.

After Jump Street, Mal wanted to go to Walgreen's, but it and the bank I needed to visit were on the "wrong" side of the road during rush hour, so now we have something to look forward to tomorrow.

We had dinner, and Mal was asking again to go to the store. I talked him into the lake, which we haven't visited in some time. The water level is really low, but it was beautiful out here, nonetheless.

On our way home, we were getting ready to walk up the big hill when I saw a German Shepherd peeking around the curve at the top of the hill. I stopped to see what it was doing, and as it turned to walk back, I could see it was not on leash.

It could have gone back to its owner; I had no idea. So I waited a minute and when nothing else happened, I told Mal we were going to have to walk home a different way. I started to turn around when the dog and a chihuahua friend of his came bounding around the corner toward us. We were still about half a block away, but I never like to encounter off-lead dogs. These both had collars and tags but were very much alone.

I knew I didn't want to approach them, and also knew that there was not time to unstrap Mal from the tricycle stroller thing and try to get anywhere away from them, so I just stood there and left Mal confined so he couldn't do anything to spook the dogs. I also turned both Mal and me sideways so we weren't in an apparent stand-off with the dogs.

When they got closer, I held my hand out and down and looked at the German Shepherd. He clearly wanted nothing to do with me. He and the chihuahua watched us carefully as they pulled up to us and then walked past. Once they were clear of us, they sped up.

I started slowly up the hill, looking back every few feet. I have to tell you: adrenaline really helps that climb not seem so deathly. It was barely an effort.

Anyway, it was a tense few moments and, of course, Mal had no idea what an iffy situation it was. He just came home all chill and with his treasures and construction trucks in tow.

At about 9, Mal announced that he was ready for bed, and he was! I love easy early bedtimes. So we survived Day One! Only four more to go...

A Good Saturday

We had a low key family day today. First, I was able to catch Mal doing what I described in yesterday's post. Here it is, in all of its "what the heck?" glory.

Then this evening, Mal and I took James out for an early Father's Day meal (Sundays are difficult for us, time-wise, between church, Mal's nap, and the fact that James doesn't like to leave the house after noon on Sunday because of introvert, powering-up-for-Monday stuff) at Hecho en Mexico. They were pretty busy, and it took quite some time for our food to come out. Fortunately, Mal was pretty chill until the last six minutes or so before his beans arrived. Although I don't love breastfeeding in public at his age and stage, it was actually a relief when he climbed up in my lap and wanted to nurse, because it meant I wasn't going to have to get up and chase him around the small dining room. I happened to be wearing a nursing shirt and was able to be what I thought was very discreet.

When we got done, though, I glanced over to see the family at the next table all looking at me. The mom elbowed the son, who was about 8 or 9 years old, and he said, very pleasantly, "I was just saying that I am kind of jealous of him because he gets to have mama's milk, and I sometimes want mama's milk."

I said, "Yeah, he's a fan. I guess we'll stop someday, but I don't see it happening soon.

His mom told me, "He was almost four."

I said to the boy, "Well, I'm glad you have happy memories of it. I hope this one does."

His mom said, "I honestly had no idea."

So it was an all-around positive exchange. I hope that my boy is as poised and articulate when he's older.

Happy Father's Day to this guy, who loves our kids well and who is the best partner in the world. I can't imagine doing any of this without him. <3