Confessions of a mom in the trenches

Some time this week, I realized that we've hit the sweet spot: That stage of infancy where it starts getting... well, funner. I have always loved Mal, but I'm starting to like him. I'm sorry if that sounds awful, but it's true. I have not enjoyed being a mom the first six months of either of my kids' lives, and I realized this time around that even knowing that in advance doesn't make it any easier when you're in it!

But now, we're starting to have a great time. Mal makes me laugh every day. He's still a lot needier than Daphne ever was, and he defaults to fussing more often than I'd like, but he's also charming and funny as heck and can play games and give affection and is just an amazing little kid to watch. 

One of the things he does now is respond to James' and my laughter by getting very tickled. Today, he was doing something weird like trying to chew on my nose (which he's done with James in the past, but never me) and it made me laugh so hard, he started laughing, too, like he meant to be funny all along.

He has at least 5 teeth now, and maybe 7. The middle two on the bottom are prominent, and he has three growing in on top, just missing the middle right tooth. He might have the two on bottom on either side growing in, but he's hesitant to let me touch his mouth much.

Mal misses James during the day, having had him home for two months while James job-hunted. It's cute and sad to see him cry when James leaves for work in the morning now. And he get so excited when James gets home.

Mal loves Daphne. She's still not sold on him, but he couldn't care less. He watches her and smiles at her and seems so hopeful that she's going to come around and adore him one day. James said he apologized once to Khrys for how awful James was to his little brother, and apparently Khrys has no memory of this abuse, but recalls James sticking up for him with friends. Maybe this is how littles' brains work. Gosh, I hope so!

Speaking of Daphne... A couple of months ago, I was reading through the journal I kept when she was a baby and came across something that made me facepalm for my early hubris. I pontificated about the peer-dependent culture in which I was schooled, and theorized that my relationship with Daphne would be different because she wouldn't be stuck in a room with similarly-aged kids all day and learn to see grown-ups as the enemy.

Well, guess what? Daphne age-typically does not enjoy being around me, things I say upset her for reasons I cannot begin to understand (and she either can't - which is what she says - or just won't tell me why), and there is always such a level of push-back I feel from her, even though I'm super laid back and actually don't push ON her much at all.

It is so difficult right now, and I wish I knew why or what to do to fix it. I miss her. I mean, I see her every day, and, yes, I can *make* her go places and do things with me, but they're typically so stilted and awkward and tiring, it's barely worth it. I miss the days when she wanted to go places, even to the grocery store, with me. Last week, my sister's younger daughter rode with her to take my older niece to see my parents. Daphne would never drive to Waco with me just for the chance to get out of the house and chat with me for two hours.

Tonight, D went with us to dinner (often she prefers not to) and it was okay, but toward the end, I said something that made her cry, and she couldn't articulate why it upset her, so I don't know how to avoid doing it again. She cried when we went to the mall last time. Actually, I cried on the way home because her obvious unhappiness with being around me hurts my feelings and spills out sometimes, too. And I get it: Mal is always with me, so some of it may be that. But it hurts me that she doesn't like him, either. I get oversensitive and jump on her for shooting him a dirty look when he behaves in a normal baby way (like tonight, trying to pull the plastic table cover off of the table) and then end up getting on to her for her "attitude," which she denies.

It's just messy and I've told her I don't know how to fix it, and I don't think she does, either.

I have so many friends who have said, "It's not necessary for your teenagers to rebel," and I had hope... but I'm starting to think that kids are who they are, and some are just going to do what they do regardless of what you've done as a parent.

Actually, a book I'm reading right now called "The Relationship Approach" goes into that a lot. It talks about how, in your kid's adolescence, you cannot control their behavior like you felt you could when they were little, so the most important thing is fostering the relationship you will have with them as adults (and before you say, "But they can't get away with murder!" you should read the book; it's not about becoming a doormat for your kids).

A lot of what I've been reading and thinking about lately pertains to mindfulness and gentle parenting. I realize that I was very overbearing toward Daphne when she was little, and she was actually a pretty great kid. Some of this might be backlash for that.

Anyway, that's where we are right now, and I just wanted to keep it real. Tomorrow is another day... and I'm taking Mal up to Lakeline Mall to the playground after I drop D at her dad's.