"Delayed Obedience is Disobedience"?

If you've been keeping up, you know I've been reading and thinking a lot about parenting: Mindful parenting with the goal of raising a solid adult (instead of having a "well-behaved" kid), respecting my children and their individuality while helping them find their way.

Today, I was thinking about a phrase I've heard often. When I Googled it, a lot of Christian sites came up, talking mostly about God rather than parenting. But I have heard it most in a parenting context: "Delayed obedience is disobedience."

In other words, if I ask my child to set the table and she says, "Just a minute," then she's not obeying me. Obedience has to be immediate, according to this philosophy, or it doesn't "count."

But is that true? If you're a Christian, is that based on any biblical principle?

I was thinking about one of the "heroes of faith" from Hebrews 11 as I pondered this. Moses. Remember him? An enslaved Israelite hidden from the authorities rather than killed per royal edict. Found and raised as the daughter of the king, then ran to the mountains when he killed an Egyptian he'd seen kill a countryman, and became a shepherd for his father-in-law.

The particular scene I'm pondering is the famous "burning bush" with whom I'm sure even the most irreligious among us is familiar.

I'm going to boil down and paraphrase a lot, and I'll add some bullets for fun.

God asked Moses to go to Egypt and deliver a message to the people and the king.

1) Moses asks, "Who am I" to do such a thing?

God's response: He reassures Moses and tells him to go.

2) Moses asks, "What do I say if they ask your name?"

God's response: He reassures Moses and tells him to go.

3) Moses says, "They won't listen to me."

God's response: He reassures Moses and tells him to go.

4) Moses says, "I am not eloquent."

God's response: He reassures Moses and tells him to go.

Actually, in his mercy, God provides more tangible assurance each time. 1) I'll go with you. 2) I'm the eternal one and I'll be with you. 3) Some won't listen to you, but that's on me. Many will; check out the miracles you can work through me. 4) Covered. Your brother who *is* a good speaker is meeting you.

Then what happened? Moses went. Well, he got his father-in-law's permission first, then he went.

Did God hold it against him or punish him because he didn't acquiesce at the first ask? Did he punish him to "teach him a lesson"? No. He assured him. He gave him more information. He didn't waver, but he also didn't bully. He knew he was the one with the power, so he didn't have to prove anything to Moses.

Now, let's consider someone who didn't delay obedience, but who actively disobeyed: Jonah. Jonah didn't just ask God if he was sure, and give up every reason why he couldn't or shouldn't obey. He actually went the other direction. God *did* discipline him, chasing him down with a storm and then saving him from drowning via the rather disgustingly creative method of having a giant fish swallow him and urp him up on the shore.

Jonah obeyed after that, but it's apparent he obeyed out of fear of reprisal rather than out of respect and submission, because after he did what God wanted, extending mercy and a second chance to his enemies, he was freaking pissed when God didn't smite them, anyway.

So, do I want my kid to appear to behave while secretly resenting me (and that's all Jonah's deal, but I'm comparing the attitude to my children's because he was basically being a big baby), or to feel heard, understood, and then to agree to obey because he wants to?

Jesus even told a parable about two sons who were asked to "mow the lawn" (as interpreted by "Adventures in Odyssey"). One said, "No," and the other said, "Yes." But the one who said no changed his mind and did it. Does it not count as obedience because he didn't jump up and do it the second he was told? Apparently not, since Jesus' point was that prostitutes and tax collectors would get into heaven before the religious elite of the day. Again, the comparison breaks down a bit, but it seems like we're not held by God to our first answer to him.

And I'm not even getting into Abraham's attempts to bargain with God to save Sodom and Gomorrah for 100 righteous people, or 50, all the way down to 5. Did God ever pull a, "I don't bargain with a 4-year-old!" on him? (This was an actual phrase I heard on the radio the other day. My opinion is that 4-year-olds aren't all terrorists and that maybe hearing them out and working together toward a mutually satisfactory conclusion isn't the worst thing a parent could do.)

Even Jesus himself asked God if there was any way to do things differently than what he'd agreed to do in obedience to his father. There wasn't, and he submitted to his father's will... But you'll notice that the gospels are maddeningly free of God's, "Listen, son, we discussed this and you said you'd do it. I expect you to do what I say. The whole world and all of eternity hangs in the balance, and I am your Father so you will do what I say, and you'll have a good attitude about it!"

I suppose that's not a great example, either, because what threat of punishment would God have had that was worse than what was already coming?

I guess in that situation, my point is that Jesus knew and loved his father so much that even when the decision to submit to his will was the most horrific thing that existed, he did it. And God didn't bother tearing him down for the ask of a last-minute reprieve. Also, it's stated that Jesus lived as a man but "did not sin," so clearly asking for clarification or an alternate route isn't considered sinful.

So my question is this: When you ask your kid to turn off the computer and they say, "It'll take me about 7 minutes to finish this up" and you go over and unplug it, what have you taught them? How is that discipline? I'm feeling more and more that what's often lauded as no-nonsense parenting seems a lot like laziness and bullying.

By the way, I'm not pointing fingers. I have a 13-year-old and I can remember MANY times that I made her cry as a young child because I yelled or harassed or strong-armed her into doing things. I want to do better with her in the short time I have left, and I want to do better with my baby. I don't have all of the answers, but I'm coming to believe that I'd rather err on the side of gentleness than harshness. I don't expect everyone to agree, but that's where I am.