Isn't It Bedtime Yet?

You guys, I'm tired.

We had a great time on vacation, and I was so pleased how well D kept up with everything while we were gone. We took it pretty slow Monday and Tuesday, though Mal and I met some friends at McDonald's one of those days.

Then on Wednesday, Nana came to stay with Mal while D and I got out to do some errands for a couple of hours. It had been raining pretty severely when  there was a little break in the storm. D had been planning on taking care of the pigeons before we left, but I decided that since it might be pouring again pretty quickly, I'd go out and switch out their water and make sure their food was full.

When I stepped outside, I saw something pretty substantial out on the flight deck. It actually looked a bit like a palm frond. It had been windy, but there are no palms anywhere near here. I asked aloud, "What do you guys have in there?" Then I realized: it was part of one of our newer birds.

It was horrifying. I listened but didn't hear anything in the loft, but still... whatever had killed the bird might still be in there. I called our local police, asked for animal control, found out we don't have any, but an officer came by, anyway. He had me stand back while he opened the door with his billy club at the ready.

There was nothing inside. It had gotten back out. There were no signs of life, and I saw enough very briefly to know that I didn't want to see any more.

In time, we'd learn this was definitely a raccoon, and their violent mauling of birds (chickens, ducks, etc.) is definitely a well-known occurrence in our area.

Oh, how every single person in our family cried that day. Multiple times. It was such a team effort to process our feelings and still take care of business. I cleaned up the flight deck just so the carnage wouldn't be visible. I told both kids, and I held them as they cried.

James came home early and collected what he could of the birds to put in a box, then dug a hole. D sat by the hole for a while before they filled it back in. James gathered everything else up in the tarp and threw it away, then I power-washed what was left.

At the end of the day, I realized that we'd both done a great job of managing and handing off and doing things, but we both went to bed without having really checked in with each other. We were all so sad; it's hard to think about everyone else's feelings when you're reeling, too.

Since then, I've just felt exhausted. I sleep okay, but wake up and am tired still. I guess it's grief?

Then there's the meat thing. We're kind of all off of poultry (except Mal, but in his defense, nuggets don't much resemble actual birds). For who knows how long. Which sucks, because I've been trying to avoid beef much, since it's such an environmental drain. So I guess we're left with pork? James and I could be vegetarian, but D likes, or has liked, meat. We're just... the memory is too vivid.

Today, James and I had taken Mal to the park for a while. It was a gorgeous day. Lots of people there had dogs, and many were off-leash, which is against the local ordinances. A small dog ran up to a leashed/harnessed big dog, and that big dog picked him right up and almost killed him. They got the small dog away from the big dog, and took it to an emergency vet... but, it was like PTSD. I'm OVER animal-on-animal violence. And those poor people with the leashed dog... they had to leave. Their day was ruined. And they did nothing wrong. It makes me even more vigilant about letting the cats out, because I CANNOT HANDLE ANYTHING ELSE.

This was Mother's Day, and as days go, it was pretty nice. I went to see "The Hustle" alone, but that wasn't a Mother's Day gift. It couldn't be, because James goes to movies fairly regularly, when it isn't Father's Day or his birthday or anything.

There's a lot of lead-up to and then social media performance of appreciating moms, to the point that it feels like a competition. Well, I'm not playing. I love my mom, and I know my family loves me. It's exhausting, all of the "Mother's Day might be hard for you, so here's to the people whose moms are gone, and who don't have a relationship with their mom, or who might want to be moms and aren't, or who have lost children, or who don't want to be moms at all and feel devalued by society." Ugh. If people want to celebrate their moms, cool. If they don't or can't, then okay. But it's just... so big.

Have I mentioned that I'm tired?

Last week, I guess Mal needed to make up for lost time on vacation, so we went to Chuck E. Cheese Friday morning, then Little Land Friday afternoon; and Catch Air Saturday morning.

This morning, Mal didn't want to go to church with me, he wanted to go to breakfast with James (which is James's Sunday morning tradition). That was cool, and I got to actually pay attention during church, but then Mal had told James he wanted to go to Taco Cabana, but they somehow ended up at McDonald's, where Mal both wanted to play and was super bummed that they weren't serving French fries yet. That sounds about right.

We have a guy coming out Tuesday to start working on our porch. We're getting some rotting planks replaced, and then getting the porch repainted and some of the timber re-stained. It needs to be done, and we have budgeted for it, but I'm super wound up about money right now. For no real reason. I think it just feels like I should be uptight about everything for a while.

I'm sure this has been uplifting, so I'll leave you to go enjoy the headiness.