Here we are at 34 weeks and some change, and Rooby is on the move. Nearly constantly. Also, I am having contractions all of the time. Fortunately, the contractions aren't painful; they're not even uncomfortable. The baby's moving is usually fine, just weird, except when the movements poke up against an internal organ.
Also, the originally-named hormone relaxin is at work, and sometimes I have to stop want I'm doing to breathe through a brief ligament stretch.
Other than that, I'm as healthy as always. Normal (low) blood pressure and pulse, ease of mobility, holding chiropractic adjustments, and trying to get as much bike-riding in as possible. Exercise, except for swimming, has to happen before or after 8 AM and 8 PM, as the temperature plus humidity plus UV means daylight is out for anything but water activities, preferably indoors or at one of the cold venues like Deep Eddy or the Barton Springs pool. James and I walk together to some places on the weekend, but it's really disgusting outside.
I'm on track to gain about 25 pounds this pregnancy, which will put me at about 20 pounds less than I weighed when I gave birth to Daphne. I'm not too worried about any of that, though, because I'm feeling awesome and doing so well.
When I went to the chiropractor today, I felt bad for the other pregnant lady there. She was having a difficult time getting up and around, and breathing heavily while sitting there. I feel very fortunate, and pray that my health and well-being foreshadows positive outcomes for Rooby, despite the fact that James and I are older.
Anyhoo, here's the promised vlog update! Come look at the nursery.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Review: Patticake Vegan Cupcakery (with Amazon Local deal!)
This weekend, I saw a deal on Amazon Local: $10 for $20 to spend at Patticake Vegan Cupcakery.
As I'd been wanting to try them out, anyway, I took advantage of the deal. Here's something you should know up front before you purchase the voucher, though: Their special-order cupcakes only come in 2 sizes: 25 for $18 and 16 for $12. You cannot use the voucher for just 25 cupcakes and let them keep the extra $2 for their troubles. This means you'll spend at least $20 out of pocket for what on paper is $30 worth of cupcakes. Just making that part clear, because I didn't realize it when I bought the voucher, and wasn't sure I would have done it if I'd known that up front.
Now that I've tried them, though? Let's see...
First, the description on the voucher is "bite-sized." Really, if you can consume these in one bite, you are probably a disgusting eater and you don't enjoy your food. They are at least three bites, even the tiniest of them.
As I mentioned, we ordered two different boxes.
With the 25-cupcake box, you can get up to 5 different flavors. With the 16-cupcake box, you can get up to 4 different flavors.
First of all, if you just want to try one or two, you can visit Quickie Pickie on E. 11th (and it looks pretty cool, so I think I should try them out soon). Here are the flavors we ordered.
Snickerdoodle, for Daphne: Cinnamon cake, cream cheese frosting, and cinnamon.
Margarita. It's billed as "lime and salt on white cake." I didn't taste the salt much at all (James might), but it was VERY limey and very refreshing. I am not a huge drinker, but we do live next door to Taco Cabana, where there is happy hour every day and I haven't been able to enjoy a $1.50 margarita in almost 8 months, so this was extremely enjoyable.
Pumpkin Patch: pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting.
The Gob: Banana cake with chocolate frosting. (Bananarchy has a Gob offering, too. Yea, pop culture!)
Cookies 'n Cream: Chocolate with vanilla icing, topped with crushed Oreos.
Those were my top choices from their menu. The next four I ordered when I realized we had to get another box in order to fulfill the "spend $20" rule.
Palette Cleanser: ginger cake topped with lemon frosting. This one tasted vaguely soapy to me, but it might have just been the strong lemon scent of the icing paired with the ginger cake. I liked it, but it tasted "clean."
Chocolat et Fraises: chocolate cake with strawberry frosting.
Sweet Heat, for James: spicy dark chocolate cake, cream cheese frosting, cayenne pepper.
Horchata: cinnamon cake with cinnamon frosting.
Daphne said James probably wouldn't like this one because it's super sweet.
The cakes we sampled were moist and flavorful. The icing is generously dolloped on, and since they're not wrapped in anything airtight, the icing develops a slightly crunchy exterior. The cupcake was rich enough to be pretty filling, and 2 actually made me a little uncomfortable (if you know me, I can put away some desserts). We got the awesome Patticake reusable bag with our order (although the website says you have to order 4 boxes or else the bags are $1 a piece).
The Amazon Local deal is the perfect chance to try them out, so go for it. My pick-up at the Crown and Anchor Pub was super simple; Tram brought the cupcakes out to my van for me so I didn't even have to brave the "delightfully mild" Austin summer afternoon (95 degrees... 50% humidity).
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
My Educational Philosophy
What I'm about to write is an attempt to boil down my educational philosophy into something concise that shows I'm not going about our homeschooling/unschooling adventures willy-nilly. I do not expect that anyone else should conduct their family's education the same way we do, or that it would work for larger-scale schools, or even that the majority of people reading this will agree with me. Instead, I just want to show that I have come to this practice after much reading, research, and knowing of my child. Also, that the philosophy does not exist in a vacuum. There are plenty of "experts" (psychologists, homeschool parents, "graduated" homeschool students, public figures) who have either lived out experiences backing this up or who have conducted research in the field and have come to some conclusions with which I agree, many of which feel intuitive.
Anything I might say about why the larger-scale educational system doesn't work for me is not an indictment of that system. If you or your children are in it, and it is working for you, I think that's awesome. I am a product of the same system (as much as one can be when it changes as much as it is wont to do), and I don't think I'm stupid or poorly-educated or that I missed out on anything. I don't think that about anyone else's kids. I am a huge advocate of parental choice when it comes to education, and that's not just lip service (as in, "Oh, parents SHOULD get to choose... *quietly* but the ones who really love their kids and want the best for them will do ABC...").
I am writing this for my own benefit. I need to clear out the cobwebs and be able to offer up some clearly-articulated ideas, goals, and methods to show why I think what we're doing is what works best for the one kid whose education is currently in my hands. Because it appears that, at some point in the future, I might have to defend it. And I can.
The term "unschooling" has a spectrum of connotations, even among people who identify as unschoolers. To some educators and more traditional homeschoolers, unschooling means that the parents don't do anything at all and just let the kids do whatever they want. Actually, some unschoolers agree with this. Some unschoolers equate true educational autonomy with unparenting, and this is not even close to where I fall on the spectrum.
First of all, I'm the parent. There are times when I do just know better, and it's still my responsibility to help my child become the best person she can be, so that she's equipped to be a compassionate, well-rounded, content, and competent person by the time she leaves the house. While I do feel that it's important to start granting independence to her in certain areas sooner rather than later, I'm still here to guide her, to help her get back on track when she messes up, and to help her prevent major catastrophes that would do more harm than good (as opposed to mistakes that are awesome, if painful, learning experiences).
I do not agree with the philosophy that says "anything you force your kids to do that they don't want to do squashes their creativity and embitters them." Ehh. I don't particularly want to vacuum every day, but I do because it's necessary. There are things I make my child do because we live in a household where everyone pitches in to take responsibility for its functionality. This extends to my frequently having her do "school work" and out-of-the-house activities she'd rather avoid. I certainly pick my battles, but there are times she just has to do things she doesn't want to do, because that's life.
Some unschoolers think this means I'm not qualified to call myself an unschooler... in the same way that when homeschoolers ask what curriculum we use and I say we don't, or ask what grade Daphne's in and I say that's not relevant to her education, they don't consider what I'm doing "homeschooling enough." Whatever. I'm not particularly interested in labels.
There used to be a show on television called "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?" The premise was to pit adults against 5th grade students to see who could successfully answer more grade-appropriate questions. Inevitably, the kids were better equipped to provide the correct information; the sort of fun take-away, as evidenced by the show's title, was that 10-year-olds are brighter than grown-ups.
But that's not how I saw it.
When I watched the show, I was overwhelmed by one idea: We "learn" a lot of stuff in school that we don't use in life, and therefore forget. I couldn't name the author of "Black Beauty" without looking it up, whereas a 5th grader probably could. But if you get a flat on the side of the highway during rush hour, I have enough practice that might be more useful to you in the situation.
I am certain that I "learned" which Indian tribe originally signed a treaty with the pilgrims, but I couldn't tell you today. When I was in 10th grade, I had a leaf collection assignment that took up most of the first 9 weeks of school. We had to procure and identify something like 200 different leaves, and I got good at it. I could narrow down tree type by leaf shape, veins, points, etc. Today? No way. I think I can tell the difference in a sycamore and a maple tree but that's about as good as it's going to get.
Have I gotten more stupid?
Please, don't answer that. I will. I like to hope that I have not gotten dumber, but that I haven't needed to access the "tree-identifying" information I acquired in order to pass a biology class in the last 25 years. If I were a park ranger or a tracker or had pursued a different vocation or avocation, things might be different.
Since I think this happens to everyone, the question at the bottom of everything might be: Is it valuable to learn something for learning's sake if it is not going to benefit you in the long run?
The answer to that, I believe, is a solid, "It depends." People don't like answers like that. People want to hear, "Learning is always important, even if just for learning's sake." Or, "No. It isn't." And it's not that simple.
Beyond the "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" principle, one of the ways I personally came to my educational philosophy was my experience as a 2nd grader in a 1st/2nd grade split.
When I was in elementary school, we had too many 2nd graders for one class, but not enough for two. Consequently, half a dozen of us were picked to be in a split classroom, comprised mostly of 1st graders.
The way it worked is that we would be given all of our work for the day the first thing in the morning. The teacher would briefly walk us through it, and tell us to help each other then come ask her if we got stuck. Typically, we'd blow through the mandatory work and be finished by first recess. We'd spend the rest of the day writing stories and notes to each other. We had search-a-word races, which lead to our creating our own puzzles. We would find manipulatives in the classroom and play with those.
I learned a few things about education from this: 1) Even state-mandated work doesn't have to take an entire school day to accomplish. 2) Cooperative learning is fun and effective. 3) Left to their own devices, kids will come up with accidentally "educational" activities to fill their time.
The other 2nd graders, the ones in the legitimate class, were doing the exact same work we were doing, and it took them all day. Plus, they'd get in trouble for communicating with each other too much (a couple of times, we joined them for a special speaker or event, and once I ended up in the hall for talking). They never got to choose what to do with their time during the day, and I'll bet my friends and I enjoyed our school year a lot more than they did.
When Daphne was a baby, her father and I worked at Boys Town for a few months and realized, caring for six kids who were in the public middle and high school programs, several in honors classes, that the education they were receiving was not something we wanted for our child. We explored private schools, but those were largely richie-rich factories and we weren't down with a lot of the fund-raising and pomposity involved in those, either.
We ended up moving to a different state with much smaller schools before my daughter was old enough to start her "formal" education, and then by the time she was old enough for kindergarten, she was already reading and it seemed like a waste of time (for her and for a teacher) to send her to learn her numbers and colors and letters.
By this point, I'd already experienced student-lead learning, because I can tell you right now that I did not teach my child how to read. I don't have any idea how to impart that skill to another person. I did read to Daphne from an early age (although, according to Peter Gray, that has no bearing on whether you end up with a "precocious reader" or not; it's all about how the kid is wired). She had access to lots of books, and a desire to read them herself, I suppose. I also spent a lot of time with her as she clicked through Starfall. We watched a lot of "Between the Lions" and its PBS website. We had a couple of "read-along" games. Daphne wasn't able to use the computer alone at this time, so we enjoyed hanging out "exploring" the worlds in these digital books.
The thing is, I didn't "make" her learn to read. I didn't require that she sit for 30 minutes a day in my lap and do this. She wanted to.
When she was little, she wanted to do "workbooks" so we had some preschool curricula that she completed. She also wanted to do Harry Potter Science, so we did that one summer. We went to story time at the library. She participated in the summer reading program. We joined a homeschool co-op and I let her pick her own classes.
When she was in early elementary, I provided for my daughter a range of subjects: science, social studies, spelling, math, and Bible. Daphne took Texas History (twice) in enrichment classes, as well as some art and project-based stuff that I appreciated since I didn't have to buy a bunch of supplies.
As she started getting older and developing her interests more, the way we did school started to change. I started feeling more confident with the process and dropping things that felt like a waste of time and effort.
For instance, writing prompts and assigned essays were a stress on both of us. Daphne's main question was always, "How many sentences do I have to write?" The "work" I got out of her wasn't stellar, and she was discouraged. This is the same girl who has written short stories, twice completed all 30,000 words for National Novel Writing Month, and who role plays online for hours at a time in one chat room where the format is "paragraphs" instead of just exchanging lines of dialogue. She writes. But she writes what she wants when she wants.
"But sometimes you have to write things you don't want to write!" one might argue. Ehh, sort of. You have to write for classes, if you choose to take (and continue) those classes. You have to write for some tests, if you choose to take the tests. You have to write for some jobs, assuming you want to keep the job... but that's the deal: you get to choose.
Another thing I realized over time was that Daphne was not "remembering" things that were irrelevant to her. We'd study American history and then go back and review it and she'd have no recollection of it. Same with some science. And these were things that were difficult to muddle through (we tried a BUNCH of different history curricula and even the "best" ones just didn't click with her), so it was disheartening that the result wasn't true learning, anyway.
What did stick was when we'd be preparing to go somewhere like San Antonio and read about the history of the Alamo, beginning with the story of a resident cat and then once we had some anecdotal familiarity with the Alamo as a structure, why it was important. Once we visited, to see a proctor use the giant scale model to explain the standoff made it come to life. Those things, she remembers.
At that point, I decided that we'd study history and social studies as it was relevant. Since we've lived in Austin, we've gone to a Constitution Day rally and studied civil liberties. When I was particularly moved by the warm reception the crowd gave to a bunch of Vietnam Veterans at a parade, we studied that conflict and the politics of then anti-war movement here in the US at the time. When we visit the LBJ Presidential Library, we talk about his good intentions and whether or not all of the government "help" he enacted was a good idea.
Can Daphne draw a timeline and lay out all of the events in our country's history? No. But neither can I. If you can, that's awesome. Can you make fondant from scratch without a recipe? I don't necessarily think either of those is more important than the other. We just have different interests and different strengths. And one of the benefits I have in having only one student is that I have learned her strengths and am able to play to those, while also shoring up some weak spots.
Many years ago, I was listening to (or reading something by) Dr. James Dobson. He said, in effect, that if a kid brings home a report card that is all As except for a C in biology, what do parents do? They will buckle down on the biology. They will get tutors, make the student study harder, and focus all of their time and attention on bringing the grade up. Why? he asks. Why not recognize that the student is performing solidly in all of the subjects, that biology isn't the child's strength, and instead channel time and resources to the kid's areas of passion and expertise?
Not all kids need to achieve an "A" in biology. Not all kids will. It's not a value judgment that one person excels and another doesn't. We're not identically gifted and talented.
And that brings me to standardized testing.
"Have you had her tested?" No. "Then how do you know where she stands educationally?" I am with her every single day and I see what she can and can't do. "No, I mean, how do you know how she compares with other kids her age?" That is a loaded question, because the actual issue is that I'm not particularly interested in how my child "compares" with other kids her age. I've seen kids younger than my daughter on "Junior Next Top Chef" and don't feel like either of us is failing that Daphne has just recently taken an interest in preparing macaroni and cheese. (In fact, those kids have superior kitchen chops to me.) I've seen kids many years older than my daughter who can't write two sentences without making overt spelling and grammatical errors that she wouldn't make. It's not a competition. Daphne does not need to be ranked among her age peers. It doesn't mean anything.
Also, standardized testing doesn't test what a person actually knows. It tests whether the person taking the test can answer the questions that are on the test. My daughter is an artist. She's incredible at it. She studies and researches and works hard, and a standardized test can't measure that. It can't tell that she can spot a red herring a mile away. It can't infer whether she knows how to discern solid information from propaganda, or whether or not she's creative, or if she's likely to get a job she loves some day.
When my sister and I were younger, I was a "better student" in all of the measurable ways. I made better grades. I had an easier time testing. I was in a higher percentile among my age group. I didn't struggle with studying as much. These together could have given the false impression that I was smarter or better educated. The fact is, I was just good at taking tests and they made me feel superior, which I liked. Peter Gray, a psychologist who writes a lot about learning, points out that testing tends to bring out the best in those who are confident and the worst in those who are less secure. That was likely the case with my sister and me.
When I went to college, I breezed through everything, loading as many classes as I could take at once, because I wanted to finish and get on with my "real life." When my sister went, at first she didn't take it seriously, not showing up for classes, failing some and barely squeaking by in others. However, once she got to concentrate on her chosen major, services for the Deaf, including a heavy load of American Sign Language and Deaf Culture, she thrived. She excelled. She became fluent and a short while after graduating became nationally certified as an interpreter.
Although I consistently out-performed my sister in school, if we were both to start from scratch and see how much money we could make working as much as we could for one week (disqualifying illegal activity or any aspect of the sex trade), she would earn exponentially more than I'd be able to rake in.
Which brings us to another question: What is the final outcome of a "successful" education? Is it earning potential? Is that really the end-all/be-all of what we're doing when we set out on an educational path?
My sister finally got to a point where she was able to study what she wanted to study, and what she loved. When it mattered, she was able to learn and grow and develop and excel, even if you wouldn't have thought she had that potential based on her school grades and test scores.
Actually, before my sister went away to college, she was working in the mall at a cookie kiosk. She was offered a management position, and declined it because she knew what she wanted to do, and she did it. In truth, that could have been an ideal career for me.
Instead, I got a degree in theater and never worked in the theater because jobs are hard to come by, I wasn't talented or motivated enough to get a job on Broadway, and I had (and have) no desire to teach theater or to run a community theater.
But you know what? During my adult life, I've gotten Real Estate and Insurance licenses. How did I get them? By studying things I needed to know at the time that I had never learned as a youth, in order to pass a test. I did both successfully my first time around... and. honestly, would likely be unable to pass either again today.
So what's the point of all of this, and where does it leave my daughter's education?
Daphne is almost 13. She is mature enough to learn to start managing her time. Every morning when she wakes up, there is a list on the board of what she needs to do for the day. It lists chores, "school" stuff, and tasks (like calling someone or making a list she needs). Sometimes, she'll negotiate for tasks she'd prefer to do and if I've put in a "time filler" because I'm concerned her "must dos" won't take very long and she'll spend too much of the day screwing around, then I often let her choose to do something else.
The only thing I push on her nearly every day is math. Math, like reading, is one of those skills on which one builds, and it's consistently relevant to daily life. If I did not make Daphne keep up math practice, she would not do it and she would likely lose those skills. She just finished a 6th-8th grade algebra book and we've started on Danica McKellar's "Girls Get Curves" for an entertaining introduction to geometry.
I don't have to "insist" that Daphne keeps up with reading or writing, because those two things and art are the things with which she's almost continually occupied (although sometimes she'll go on a Minecraft or MiniClips tear and play for hours... but we all do that sometimes, don't we?).
Recently, to try to reintroduce some science, I purchased another set of Harry Potter labs like we'd done before. Daphne just wasn't interested this time. I could force her to do the activities, to "learn" what the labs mean... but I don't believe it would benefit her in any way, and instead would teach her that "education" or "school" equals "tiring, useless crap forced on me in which I have no interest." As it is, I watch her research things with vigorous interest. Why is what I might want to assign her to learn more important than that which she actually wishes to learn?
Although it is my intuition that allowing Daphne to pursue her passions while I help her learn life lessons will ultimately benefit her, and help make her independent in a couple of years instead of when she's 26, it's nice to know that people are actually studying this and finding it to be true. I've mentioned Peter Gray a couple of times. He has a blog on Psychology Today called "Freedom to Learn" (also the name of his book). He has researched and writes a lot about the importance of play in education, about the results of unschooling, about the decision to quit, and about whether or not you can actually objectively measure someone's "education."
Mike Rowe has also written a lot about formal, "standard" (of course you're going to college after high school; that's what people DO) educational routes versus the value of just working your butt off at whatever it is with which you are occupied, and whether one leads to a genuine feeling of contentment and "success" over the other.
Another blog that has a lot of content I enjoy reading is "I'm Unschooled. Yes, I Can Write," written by a young adult chronicling others' and her experiences with and her thoughts on unschooling. I particularly like her take on how it still seems like homeschoolers (and within that group, unschoolers in particular) have to "prove" that what they're doing is legitimate by succeeding in these big ways. Homeschool family with 9 kids, 6 of whom are in college before the age of 16? Well, that's some good homechooling! Homeschool family with 2 kids, one of whom is a mechanic and the other is in community college? Ehh. Why is that? What is "successful enough"? What is "education"? Why does it have to look certain ways to be considered valid?
I think we actually limit our kids (and ourselves) when we narrowly define "education." Can true "education" can only be done in age-defined groups, led by an "expert," and meticulously managed? Sometimes, I'll hear stories about young people who are offered amazing jobs as professional musicians or on sports teams or acting or whatever, and they (or their parents) put those opportunities off until after they've completed their "education." What?! WHY?? Is there nothing to be learned from work? Certainly if you can successfully navigate both learning AND earning an income, why would you wait? If you want a college degree, there's not a time limit on that. They let 30-year-olds in! I've even heard that they let octogenarians in!
With all of this in mind, and with my daughter approaching her teen years, I believe that there is nothing better I can do for her (nor could any school) than to start preparing her to be independent. She will be able to start work in a year, and between now and then, she needs to learn to manage the checking account she has (right now, that involves primarily scanning and uploading deposits, as she tends to hoard money), to navigate the area where we live on her own (when we walk and she asks, "How much further?" we turn it into a lesson. "We're on 23rd and *this street,*" then she has to calculate blocks in both directions and find her own answer. This really irritates her; she just wants me to tell her.), and to narrow down her interests to find a good part time job.
I could be wrong, but I'm thinking a good start for her would be the art store across the street. When she's there, she'll continue her math in a retail environment. She'll also have access to people who "art" for a living as teachers, sculptors, illustrators, etc. and can talk to them about career options. She will learn organization and people skills and collaboration. She will use those things throughout her life, even more than she'd use trigonometry, if I kept her home or put her in school and made her take it.
When Daphne was younger, if you'd asked her what she wanted to do when she grew up, she'd say, "Be a veterinarian." A guidance counselor might then have set her on a track heavy with math and science like one would for someone interested in pre-med. However, because I knew her so well, I was able to discern that she didn't actually want to treat animals medically. She wanted to be around animals. She wanted to be the person you'd call if you could hear kittens trapped in a storm drain but you couldn't see them. She would not need the same extensive (expensive) education to fulfill that dream.
One way she could pursue this if it's still something that interests her in a few years is by applying for an internship at Turpentine Creek, where she would work with cats (and a few other animals) in exchange for room and board and a stipend for food. It could help her narrow down what precise interest she has in animals, and maybe inspire her to go on to vet school... but she'd also have a lot of experience going in. Then at that point, she'd have her internal motivation for boning up on her science.
The fact is, as an adult, I don't want to have to spend time and mental energy on something that isn't relevant to me. If someone forced me to take an AutoCAD course, I'd probably resent it a lot. I'm not sure why we treat young people like that, though. "I don't care whether you want to learn this. Take the class, anyway. It will be good for you."
I'm not anti-education. I'd love to take a cake decorating class, or learn how to use Adobe PremierPro for Windows (which so far has me banging my head against the desk and fully indoctrinated to the "Mac is so much better for this kind of stuff" side of things). As I mentioned, I've taken a real estate course and studied insurance stuff on my own. That involved a lot of things I found uninteresting and didn't love studying, but because it was relevant to the life I had at the time and the goals I was pursuing, there was a motivation to learn.
If I could go back and do my education over again, I would probably elect either not to go to college, or to pursue my interest in the theater on a community level rather than paying for the privilege and instead study something I couldn't have learned except in the college environment. Or I would have gone back to my hometown and asked for that management position at the cookie store.
Although I made straight As, aced most every test I took, and have a college degree, I've had the same mishmash of unrelated jobs that most people have had, working when and where I needed to to get by.
In contrast, my husband, who went to college for one semester (majoring in classical guitar performance), has taught himself a bunch of computer languages and has no problem finding full time work with great pay and benefits. He seriously reads coding books for fun. He pursues his own education in an area about which he is passionate, and the fact that he didn't jump through proscribed institutional hoops has not mattered one iota. (Even for those jobs that say that they require a college degree; at this point, his experience more than makes up for that.)
Before my daughter leaves the house, I want for her to be able to research and learn what she wants to, to be able to weed out what is good information and what is garbage and/or propaganda. I want her to have a work ethic that drives her to do and to do well, even if the particular task at hand isn't her favorite (and while that might seem antithetical to not having her study a lot of things she doesn't want to study, I'm purposefully saving those battles for things like chores, helping other people move, visiting old people in nursing homes, etc.). I want her to understand managing personal finances, and how to stay out of debt, and how important that is.
Honestly, if Daphne had to go live on her own today, I don't think she'd be any worse off than most high school graduates, except for the ones who've already held jobs. At this point, she needs exposure to the "real" world to start efficiently down a path toward what it is her life will become. There is a great interview with psychologist Robert Epstein about infantilizing teens here. I am ready to see what mine can do when given the opportunity! I have been with her almost every single day since she was born, and I see that she's ready.
As a final note, I want to address my child's "socialization." I've been asked recently what opportunities she has to meet people, and it's been suggested (not by her mental health care provider, but others) that it'd probably be good for her to get out and around more people.
Here, again, it's a matter of my being her mom and seeing who and where she is, and knowing that the same prescription doesn't work for everyone.
Daphne is an introvert. She is quiet, but not socially awkward. She will talk to strangers if she wants to. A lot of times, she doesn't want to. She was involved in the same gym for six years and got along well with a couple of girls during that time, but didn't ever make a "best" friend. That was at four hours a day, four days a week for quite a while. When we were in homeschool enrichment classes, she made a couple of close friends, but most of the people she hung out with she did so because I'd contacted their mothers when we'd first moved to town, and we started getting together when the kids were still preschool aged.
She's now way past the point where I can pick her friends.
Actually, there is one friend that I make sure she connects with and hangs out with every so often. Not because she doesn't like her, but because Daphne would almost always rather just stay home.
Daphne made a very fast friend in BSF last year, but then she and her mom moved to the East Coast unexpectedly. Also, when D is in small-format venues like robotics camp or art camp, she'll usually end up with the phone number or Skype contact of some guy with whom she really hit it off.
But if we go to large-format get-togethers like the Austin Area Homeschoolers' not-back-to-school swimming party or a dance? She won't talk to anyone. It's overwhelming. Heck, it's overwhelming to me and I'm a borderline extrovert.
D will be starting Hill Country Academy on Mondays this fall, and I'm sure she'll make some new friends in those classes... especially since one of them has a final cosplay project.
What bothers me is the knee-jerk assumption that because I have a 12-year-old who really likes to be home alone, something is "wrong" with her: either the homeschooling is making her weird, or she's troubled in some way because of life issues, etc.
"Unlike the general population, the majority of gifted children are introverts who need to pull back in order to refuel. Gifted children who need to be alone to recharge may be misinterpreted as excessively self-preoccupied (narcissistic), timid, or socially backward."
There's also a great blog post about this from the standpoint of a mom with a much younger child at whom the off-hand diagnosis of "autism" was thrown (apparently that happens frequently).
My husband and I are both products of a "typical" public school experience. He is extremely introverted, to the point that we don't schedule activities on Sundays because he needs that day to recharge in order to go back to work and be around a lot of people on Monday. He is also outgoing, pleasantly social when the situation calls for it, empathetic to the point of being sacrificial, and very well-adjusted.
There's long been a stereotype that when a kid messes up or gets kicked out of a public school, the parents put that kid into a private school. Unless the problem genuinely is the school itself or the specific peers in that place, does anyone believe that simply changing an educational venue alone is going to "fix" something that a kid has going on? I think in this situation, people would say, "No." But the knee-jerk to a quiet homeschooled kid is "they're not socialized enough. They don't know how."
Trust me, my daughter knows how to socialize. She can talk. She can be bossy. She can have an attitude. She can be extremely protective of friends. She loves to know she made someone who was sad laugh. She just does it in her own way, and her own way will follow her wherever she goes. It's not a problem to be fixed. It is her personality... and even though it's completely different than mine, I'm learning to appreciate it (having an introvert as my husband and her stepdad has probably bridged a lot of this between us) and to work with it. I sometimes make her go do things she doesn't want to do. I sometimes let her bring distractions into which she can disappear; I sometimes make her leave them at home. It's a balance, and I'm working to find it. I think she is, too.
To summarize: There is a reason I'm doing what I'm doing with regards to my daughter's education. It's not because I'm wanting to keep her away from anything bad (and, in fact, would be pleased like crazy if she'd go to the Clearview Sudbury School a few miles from here), or as any particular demonstration "against" anything. It just seems to make the most sense in getting a smart, talented kid from where she is now to somewhere she can be happy in the long term. I don't operate in a vacuum; there are plenty of studies and professionals who would agree with me (and, I believe, there will be some sweeping if slow changes in mass education over the next few years as the pendulum swings in a different direction). I don't mistake my child's foreign-to-me disposition as a liability or something to be fixed.
I'm doing what all of us parents are doing. Trying to provide opportunities so that she can realize and fulfill her potential. And I'm certain that each of us parents knows our kids well enough to help make that decision with them rather than having the decision made by someone outside of our situation, even if they're professional and well-meaning. They can't know our kids. And the exact same path can't be the best for every single person.
Anything I might say about why the larger-scale educational system doesn't work for me is not an indictment of that system. If you or your children are in it, and it is working for you, I think that's awesome. I am a product of the same system (as much as one can be when it changes as much as it is wont to do), and I don't think I'm stupid or poorly-educated or that I missed out on anything. I don't think that about anyone else's kids. I am a huge advocate of parental choice when it comes to education, and that's not just lip service (as in, "Oh, parents SHOULD get to choose... *quietly* but the ones who really love their kids and want the best for them will do ABC...").
I am writing this for my own benefit. I need to clear out the cobwebs and be able to offer up some clearly-articulated ideas, goals, and methods to show why I think what we're doing is what works best for the one kid whose education is currently in my hands. Because it appears that, at some point in the future, I might have to defend it. And I can.
The term "unschooling" has a spectrum of connotations, even among people who identify as unschoolers. To some educators and more traditional homeschoolers, unschooling means that the parents don't do anything at all and just let the kids do whatever they want. Actually, some unschoolers agree with this. Some unschoolers equate true educational autonomy with unparenting, and this is not even close to where I fall on the spectrum.
First of all, I'm the parent. There are times when I do just know better, and it's still my responsibility to help my child become the best person she can be, so that she's equipped to be a compassionate, well-rounded, content, and competent person by the time she leaves the house. While I do feel that it's important to start granting independence to her in certain areas sooner rather than later, I'm still here to guide her, to help her get back on track when she messes up, and to help her prevent major catastrophes that would do more harm than good (as opposed to mistakes that are awesome, if painful, learning experiences).
I do not agree with the philosophy that says "anything you force your kids to do that they don't want to do squashes their creativity and embitters them." Ehh. I don't particularly want to vacuum every day, but I do because it's necessary. There are things I make my child do because we live in a household where everyone pitches in to take responsibility for its functionality. This extends to my frequently having her do "school work" and out-of-the-house activities she'd rather avoid. I certainly pick my battles, but there are times she just has to do things she doesn't want to do, because that's life.
Some unschoolers think this means I'm not qualified to call myself an unschooler... in the same way that when homeschoolers ask what curriculum we use and I say we don't, or ask what grade Daphne's in and I say that's not relevant to her education, they don't consider what I'm doing "homeschooling enough." Whatever. I'm not particularly interested in labels.
There used to be a show on television called "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?" The premise was to pit adults against 5th grade students to see who could successfully answer more grade-appropriate questions. Inevitably, the kids were better equipped to provide the correct information; the sort of fun take-away, as evidenced by the show's title, was that 10-year-olds are brighter than grown-ups.
But that's not how I saw it.
When I watched the show, I was overwhelmed by one idea: We "learn" a lot of stuff in school that we don't use in life, and therefore forget. I couldn't name the author of "Black Beauty" without looking it up, whereas a 5th grader probably could. But if you get a flat on the side of the highway during rush hour, I have enough practice that might be more useful to you in the situation.
I am certain that I "learned" which Indian tribe originally signed a treaty with the pilgrims, but I couldn't tell you today. When I was in 10th grade, I had a leaf collection assignment that took up most of the first 9 weeks of school. We had to procure and identify something like 200 different leaves, and I got good at it. I could narrow down tree type by leaf shape, veins, points, etc. Today? No way. I think I can tell the difference in a sycamore and a maple tree but that's about as good as it's going to get.
Have I gotten more stupid?
Please, don't answer that. I will. I like to hope that I have not gotten dumber, but that I haven't needed to access the "tree-identifying" information I acquired in order to pass a biology class in the last 25 years. If I were a park ranger or a tracker or had pursued a different vocation or avocation, things might be different.
Since I think this happens to everyone, the question at the bottom of everything might be: Is it valuable to learn something for learning's sake if it is not going to benefit you in the long run?
The answer to that, I believe, is a solid, "It depends." People don't like answers like that. People want to hear, "Learning is always important, even if just for learning's sake." Or, "No. It isn't." And it's not that simple.
Beyond the "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" principle, one of the ways I personally came to my educational philosophy was my experience as a 2nd grader in a 1st/2nd grade split.
When I was in elementary school, we had too many 2nd graders for one class, but not enough for two. Consequently, half a dozen of us were picked to be in a split classroom, comprised mostly of 1st graders.
The way it worked is that we would be given all of our work for the day the first thing in the morning. The teacher would briefly walk us through it, and tell us to help each other then come ask her if we got stuck. Typically, we'd blow through the mandatory work and be finished by first recess. We'd spend the rest of the day writing stories and notes to each other. We had search-a-word races, which lead to our creating our own puzzles. We would find manipulatives in the classroom and play with those.
I learned a few things about education from this: 1) Even state-mandated work doesn't have to take an entire school day to accomplish. 2) Cooperative learning is fun and effective. 3) Left to their own devices, kids will come up with accidentally "educational" activities to fill their time.
The other 2nd graders, the ones in the legitimate class, were doing the exact same work we were doing, and it took them all day. Plus, they'd get in trouble for communicating with each other too much (a couple of times, we joined them for a special speaker or event, and once I ended up in the hall for talking). They never got to choose what to do with their time during the day, and I'll bet my friends and I enjoyed our school year a lot more than they did.
When Daphne was a baby, her father and I worked at Boys Town for a few months and realized, caring for six kids who were in the public middle and high school programs, several in honors classes, that the education they were receiving was not something we wanted for our child. We explored private schools, but those were largely richie-rich factories and we weren't down with a lot of the fund-raising and pomposity involved in those, either.
We ended up moving to a different state with much smaller schools before my daughter was old enough to start her "formal" education, and then by the time she was old enough for kindergarten, she was already reading and it seemed like a waste of time (for her and for a teacher) to send her to learn her numbers and colors and letters.
By this point, I'd already experienced student-lead learning, because I can tell you right now that I did not teach my child how to read. I don't have any idea how to impart that skill to another person. I did read to Daphne from an early age (although, according to Peter Gray, that has no bearing on whether you end up with a "precocious reader" or not; it's all about how the kid is wired). She had access to lots of books, and a desire to read them herself, I suppose. I also spent a lot of time with her as she clicked through Starfall. We watched a lot of "Between the Lions" and its PBS website. We had a couple of "read-along" games. Daphne wasn't able to use the computer alone at this time, so we enjoyed hanging out "exploring" the worlds in these digital books.
The thing is, I didn't "make" her learn to read. I didn't require that she sit for 30 minutes a day in my lap and do this. She wanted to.
When she was little, she wanted to do "workbooks" so we had some preschool curricula that she completed. She also wanted to do Harry Potter Science, so we did that one summer. We went to story time at the library. She participated in the summer reading program. We joined a homeschool co-op and I let her pick her own classes.
When she was in early elementary, I provided for my daughter a range of subjects: science, social studies, spelling, math, and Bible. Daphne took Texas History (twice) in enrichment classes, as well as some art and project-based stuff that I appreciated since I didn't have to buy a bunch of supplies.
As she started getting older and developing her interests more, the way we did school started to change. I started feeling more confident with the process and dropping things that felt like a waste of time and effort.
For instance, writing prompts and assigned essays were a stress on both of us. Daphne's main question was always, "How many sentences do I have to write?" The "work" I got out of her wasn't stellar, and she was discouraged. This is the same girl who has written short stories, twice completed all 30,000 words for National Novel Writing Month, and who role plays online for hours at a time in one chat room where the format is "paragraphs" instead of just exchanging lines of dialogue. She writes. But she writes what she wants when she wants.
"But sometimes you have to write things you don't want to write!" one might argue. Ehh, sort of. You have to write for classes, if you choose to take (and continue) those classes. You have to write for some tests, if you choose to take the tests. You have to write for some jobs, assuming you want to keep the job... but that's the deal: you get to choose.
Another thing I realized over time was that Daphne was not "remembering" things that were irrelevant to her. We'd study American history and then go back and review it and she'd have no recollection of it. Same with some science. And these were things that were difficult to muddle through (we tried a BUNCH of different history curricula and even the "best" ones just didn't click with her), so it was disheartening that the result wasn't true learning, anyway.
What did stick was when we'd be preparing to go somewhere like San Antonio and read about the history of the Alamo, beginning with the story of a resident cat and then once we had some anecdotal familiarity with the Alamo as a structure, why it was important. Once we visited, to see a proctor use the giant scale model to explain the standoff made it come to life. Those things, she remembers.
At that point, I decided that we'd study history and social studies as it was relevant. Since we've lived in Austin, we've gone to a Constitution Day rally and studied civil liberties. When I was particularly moved by the warm reception the crowd gave to a bunch of Vietnam Veterans at a parade, we studied that conflict and the politics of then anti-war movement here in the US at the time. When we visit the LBJ Presidential Library, we talk about his good intentions and whether or not all of the government "help" he enacted was a good idea.
Can Daphne draw a timeline and lay out all of the events in our country's history? No. But neither can I. If you can, that's awesome. Can you make fondant from scratch without a recipe? I don't necessarily think either of those is more important than the other. We just have different interests and different strengths. And one of the benefits I have in having only one student is that I have learned her strengths and am able to play to those, while also shoring up some weak spots.
Many years ago, I was listening to (or reading something by) Dr. James Dobson. He said, in effect, that if a kid brings home a report card that is all As except for a C in biology, what do parents do? They will buckle down on the biology. They will get tutors, make the student study harder, and focus all of their time and attention on bringing the grade up. Why? he asks. Why not recognize that the student is performing solidly in all of the subjects, that biology isn't the child's strength, and instead channel time and resources to the kid's areas of passion and expertise?
Not all kids need to achieve an "A" in biology. Not all kids will. It's not a value judgment that one person excels and another doesn't. We're not identically gifted and talented.
And that brings me to standardized testing.
"Have you had her tested?" No. "Then how do you know where she stands educationally?" I am with her every single day and I see what she can and can't do. "No, I mean, how do you know how she compares with other kids her age?" That is a loaded question, because the actual issue is that I'm not particularly interested in how my child "compares" with other kids her age. I've seen kids younger than my daughter on "Junior Next Top Chef" and don't feel like either of us is failing that Daphne has just recently taken an interest in preparing macaroni and cheese. (In fact, those kids have superior kitchen chops to me.) I've seen kids many years older than my daughter who can't write two sentences without making overt spelling and grammatical errors that she wouldn't make. It's not a competition. Daphne does not need to be ranked among her age peers. It doesn't mean anything.
Also, standardized testing doesn't test what a person actually knows. It tests whether the person taking the test can answer the questions that are on the test. My daughter is an artist. She's incredible at it. She studies and researches and works hard, and a standardized test can't measure that. It can't tell that she can spot a red herring a mile away. It can't infer whether she knows how to discern solid information from propaganda, or whether or not she's creative, or if she's likely to get a job she loves some day.
When my sister and I were younger, I was a "better student" in all of the measurable ways. I made better grades. I had an easier time testing. I was in a higher percentile among my age group. I didn't struggle with studying as much. These together could have given the false impression that I was smarter or better educated. The fact is, I was just good at taking tests and they made me feel superior, which I liked. Peter Gray, a psychologist who writes a lot about learning, points out that testing tends to bring out the best in those who are confident and the worst in those who are less secure. That was likely the case with my sister and me.
When I went to college, I breezed through everything, loading as many classes as I could take at once, because I wanted to finish and get on with my "real life." When my sister went, at first she didn't take it seriously, not showing up for classes, failing some and barely squeaking by in others. However, once she got to concentrate on her chosen major, services for the Deaf, including a heavy load of American Sign Language and Deaf Culture, she thrived. She excelled. She became fluent and a short while after graduating became nationally certified as an interpreter.
Although I consistently out-performed my sister in school, if we were both to start from scratch and see how much money we could make working as much as we could for one week (disqualifying illegal activity or any aspect of the sex trade), she would earn exponentially more than I'd be able to rake in.
Which brings us to another question: What is the final outcome of a "successful" education? Is it earning potential? Is that really the end-all/be-all of what we're doing when we set out on an educational path?
My sister finally got to a point where she was able to study what she wanted to study, and what she loved. When it mattered, she was able to learn and grow and develop and excel, even if you wouldn't have thought she had that potential based on her school grades and test scores.
Actually, before my sister went away to college, she was working in the mall at a cookie kiosk. She was offered a management position, and declined it because she knew what she wanted to do, and she did it. In truth, that could have been an ideal career for me.
Instead, I got a degree in theater and never worked in the theater because jobs are hard to come by, I wasn't talented or motivated enough to get a job on Broadway, and I had (and have) no desire to teach theater or to run a community theater.
But you know what? During my adult life, I've gotten Real Estate and Insurance licenses. How did I get them? By studying things I needed to know at the time that I had never learned as a youth, in order to pass a test. I did both successfully my first time around... and. honestly, would likely be unable to pass either again today.
So what's the point of all of this, and where does it leave my daughter's education?
Daphne is almost 13. She is mature enough to learn to start managing her time. Every morning when she wakes up, there is a list on the board of what she needs to do for the day. It lists chores, "school" stuff, and tasks (like calling someone or making a list she needs). Sometimes, she'll negotiate for tasks she'd prefer to do and if I've put in a "time filler" because I'm concerned her "must dos" won't take very long and she'll spend too much of the day screwing around, then I often let her choose to do something else.
The only thing I push on her nearly every day is math. Math, like reading, is one of those skills on which one builds, and it's consistently relevant to daily life. If I did not make Daphne keep up math practice, she would not do it and she would likely lose those skills. She just finished a 6th-8th grade algebra book and we've started on Danica McKellar's "Girls Get Curves" for an entertaining introduction to geometry.
I don't have to "insist" that Daphne keeps up with reading or writing, because those two things and art are the things with which she's almost continually occupied (although sometimes she'll go on a Minecraft or MiniClips tear and play for hours... but we all do that sometimes, don't we?).
Recently, to try to reintroduce some science, I purchased another set of Harry Potter labs like we'd done before. Daphne just wasn't interested this time. I could force her to do the activities, to "learn" what the labs mean... but I don't believe it would benefit her in any way, and instead would teach her that "education" or "school" equals "tiring, useless crap forced on me in which I have no interest." As it is, I watch her research things with vigorous interest. Why is what I might want to assign her to learn more important than that which she actually wishes to learn?
Although it is my intuition that allowing Daphne to pursue her passions while I help her learn life lessons will ultimately benefit her, and help make her independent in a couple of years instead of when she's 26, it's nice to know that people are actually studying this and finding it to be true. I've mentioned Peter Gray a couple of times. He has a blog on Psychology Today called "Freedom to Learn" (also the name of his book). He has researched and writes a lot about the importance of play in education, about the results of unschooling, about the decision to quit, and about whether or not you can actually objectively measure someone's "education."
Mike Rowe has also written a lot about formal, "standard" (of course you're going to college after high school; that's what people DO) educational routes versus the value of just working your butt off at whatever it is with which you are occupied, and whether one leads to a genuine feeling of contentment and "success" over the other.
Another blog that has a lot of content I enjoy reading is "I'm Unschooled. Yes, I Can Write," written by a young adult chronicling others' and her experiences with and her thoughts on unschooling. I particularly like her take on how it still seems like homeschoolers (and within that group, unschoolers in particular) have to "prove" that what they're doing is legitimate by succeeding in these big ways. Homeschool family with 9 kids, 6 of whom are in college before the age of 16? Well, that's some good homechooling! Homeschool family with 2 kids, one of whom is a mechanic and the other is in community college? Ehh. Why is that? What is "successful enough"? What is "education"? Why does it have to look certain ways to be considered valid?
I think we actually limit our kids (and ourselves) when we narrowly define "education." Can true "education" can only be done in age-defined groups, led by an "expert," and meticulously managed? Sometimes, I'll hear stories about young people who are offered amazing jobs as professional musicians or on sports teams or acting or whatever, and they (or their parents) put those opportunities off until after they've completed their "education." What?! WHY?? Is there nothing to be learned from work? Certainly if you can successfully navigate both learning AND earning an income, why would you wait? If you want a college degree, there's not a time limit on that. They let 30-year-olds in! I've even heard that they let octogenarians in!
With all of this in mind, and with my daughter approaching her teen years, I believe that there is nothing better I can do for her (nor could any school) than to start preparing her to be independent. She will be able to start work in a year, and between now and then, she needs to learn to manage the checking account she has (right now, that involves primarily scanning and uploading deposits, as she tends to hoard money), to navigate the area where we live on her own (when we walk and she asks, "How much further?" we turn it into a lesson. "We're on 23rd and *this street,*" then she has to calculate blocks in both directions and find her own answer. This really irritates her; she just wants me to tell her.), and to narrow down her interests to find a good part time job.
I could be wrong, but I'm thinking a good start for her would be the art store across the street. When she's there, she'll continue her math in a retail environment. She'll also have access to people who "art" for a living as teachers, sculptors, illustrators, etc. and can talk to them about career options. She will learn organization and people skills and collaboration. She will use those things throughout her life, even more than she'd use trigonometry, if I kept her home or put her in school and made her take it.
When Daphne was younger, if you'd asked her what she wanted to do when she grew up, she'd say, "Be a veterinarian." A guidance counselor might then have set her on a track heavy with math and science like one would for someone interested in pre-med. However, because I knew her so well, I was able to discern that she didn't actually want to treat animals medically. She wanted to be around animals. She wanted to be the person you'd call if you could hear kittens trapped in a storm drain but you couldn't see them. She would not need the same extensive (expensive) education to fulfill that dream.
One way she could pursue this if it's still something that interests her in a few years is by applying for an internship at Turpentine Creek, where she would work with cats (and a few other animals) in exchange for room and board and a stipend for food. It could help her narrow down what precise interest she has in animals, and maybe inspire her to go on to vet school... but she'd also have a lot of experience going in. Then at that point, she'd have her internal motivation for boning up on her science.
The fact is, as an adult, I don't want to have to spend time and mental energy on something that isn't relevant to me. If someone forced me to take an AutoCAD course, I'd probably resent it a lot. I'm not sure why we treat young people like that, though. "I don't care whether you want to learn this. Take the class, anyway. It will be good for you."
I'm not anti-education. I'd love to take a cake decorating class, or learn how to use Adobe PremierPro for Windows (which so far has me banging my head against the desk and fully indoctrinated to the "Mac is so much better for this kind of stuff" side of things). As I mentioned, I've taken a real estate course and studied insurance stuff on my own. That involved a lot of things I found uninteresting and didn't love studying, but because it was relevant to the life I had at the time and the goals I was pursuing, there was a motivation to learn.
If I could go back and do my education over again, I would probably elect either not to go to college, or to pursue my interest in the theater on a community level rather than paying for the privilege and instead study something I couldn't have learned except in the college environment. Or I would have gone back to my hometown and asked for that management position at the cookie store.
Although I made straight As, aced most every test I took, and have a college degree, I've had the same mishmash of unrelated jobs that most people have had, working when and where I needed to to get by.
In contrast, my husband, who went to college for one semester (majoring in classical guitar performance), has taught himself a bunch of computer languages and has no problem finding full time work with great pay and benefits. He seriously reads coding books for fun. He pursues his own education in an area about which he is passionate, and the fact that he didn't jump through proscribed institutional hoops has not mattered one iota. (Even for those jobs that say that they require a college degree; at this point, his experience more than makes up for that.)
Before my daughter leaves the house, I want for her to be able to research and learn what she wants to, to be able to weed out what is good information and what is garbage and/or propaganda. I want her to have a work ethic that drives her to do and to do well, even if the particular task at hand isn't her favorite (and while that might seem antithetical to not having her study a lot of things she doesn't want to study, I'm purposefully saving those battles for things like chores, helping other people move, visiting old people in nursing homes, etc.). I want her to understand managing personal finances, and how to stay out of debt, and how important that is.
Honestly, if Daphne had to go live on her own today, I don't think she'd be any worse off than most high school graduates, except for the ones who've already held jobs. At this point, she needs exposure to the "real" world to start efficiently down a path toward what it is her life will become. There is a great interview with psychologist Robert Epstein about infantilizing teens here. I am ready to see what mine can do when given the opportunity! I have been with her almost every single day since she was born, and I see that she's ready.
As a final note, I want to address my child's "socialization." I've been asked recently what opportunities she has to meet people, and it's been suggested (not by her mental health care provider, but others) that it'd probably be good for her to get out and around more people.
Here, again, it's a matter of my being her mom and seeing who and where she is, and knowing that the same prescription doesn't work for everyone.
Daphne is an introvert. She is quiet, but not socially awkward. She will talk to strangers if she wants to. A lot of times, she doesn't want to. She was involved in the same gym for six years and got along well with a couple of girls during that time, but didn't ever make a "best" friend. That was at four hours a day, four days a week for quite a while. When we were in homeschool enrichment classes, she made a couple of close friends, but most of the people she hung out with she did so because I'd contacted their mothers when we'd first moved to town, and we started getting together when the kids were still preschool aged.
She's now way past the point where I can pick her friends.
Actually, there is one friend that I make sure she connects with and hangs out with every so often. Not because she doesn't like her, but because Daphne would almost always rather just stay home.
Daphne made a very fast friend in BSF last year, but then she and her mom moved to the East Coast unexpectedly. Also, when D is in small-format venues like robotics camp or art camp, she'll usually end up with the phone number or Skype contact of some guy with whom she really hit it off.
But if we go to large-format get-togethers like the Austin Area Homeschoolers' not-back-to-school swimming party or a dance? She won't talk to anyone. It's overwhelming. Heck, it's overwhelming to me and I'm a borderline extrovert.
D will be starting Hill Country Academy on Mondays this fall, and I'm sure she'll make some new friends in those classes... especially since one of them has a final cosplay project.
What bothers me is the knee-jerk assumption that because I have a 12-year-old who really likes to be home alone, something is "wrong" with her: either the homeschooling is making her weird, or she's troubled in some way because of life issues, etc.
"Unlike the general population, the majority of gifted children are introverts who need to pull back in order to refuel. Gifted children who need to be alone to recharge may be misinterpreted as excessively self-preoccupied (narcissistic), timid, or socially backward."
There's also a great blog post about this from the standpoint of a mom with a much younger child at whom the off-hand diagnosis of "autism" was thrown (apparently that happens frequently).
My husband and I are both products of a "typical" public school experience. He is extremely introverted, to the point that we don't schedule activities on Sundays because he needs that day to recharge in order to go back to work and be around a lot of people on Monday. He is also outgoing, pleasantly social when the situation calls for it, empathetic to the point of being sacrificial, and very well-adjusted.
There's long been a stereotype that when a kid messes up or gets kicked out of a public school, the parents put that kid into a private school. Unless the problem genuinely is the school itself or the specific peers in that place, does anyone believe that simply changing an educational venue alone is going to "fix" something that a kid has going on? I think in this situation, people would say, "No." But the knee-jerk to a quiet homeschooled kid is "they're not socialized enough. They don't know how."
Trust me, my daughter knows how to socialize. She can talk. She can be bossy. She can have an attitude. She can be extremely protective of friends. She loves to know she made someone who was sad laugh. She just does it in her own way, and her own way will follow her wherever she goes. It's not a problem to be fixed. It is her personality... and even though it's completely different than mine, I'm learning to appreciate it (having an introvert as my husband and her stepdad has probably bridged a lot of this between us) and to work with it. I sometimes make her go do things she doesn't want to do. I sometimes let her bring distractions into which she can disappear; I sometimes make her leave them at home. It's a balance, and I'm working to find it. I think she is, too.
To summarize: There is a reason I'm doing what I'm doing with regards to my daughter's education. It's not because I'm wanting to keep her away from anything bad (and, in fact, would be pleased like crazy if she'd go to the Clearview Sudbury School a few miles from here), or as any particular demonstration "against" anything. It just seems to make the most sense in getting a smart, talented kid from where she is now to somewhere she can be happy in the long term. I don't operate in a vacuum; there are plenty of studies and professionals who would agree with me (and, I believe, there will be some sweeping if slow changes in mass education over the next few years as the pendulum swings in a different direction). I don't mistake my child's foreign-to-me disposition as a liability or something to be fixed.
I'm doing what all of us parents are doing. Trying to provide opportunities so that she can realize and fulfill her potential. And I'm certain that each of us parents knows our kids well enough to help make that decision with them rather than having the decision made by someone outside of our situation, even if they're professional and well-meaning. They can't know our kids. And the exact same path can't be the best for every single person.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
How Can I Even Begin to Explain?
Three days.
That's how long I've had this blog window open, and have written nothing until today. Day Four.
This weekend, I was feeling overwhelmed by how amazing my husband is. That's when I decided to write about it. And, obviously, I've failed.
I've failed because when I start to write about James, the words that I end up seeing don't come close to describing what is awesome and admirable and lovable and life-changing about him. It's pretty frustrating, actually.
Over the past week, my sister's family has been remembering the trip they took to China three years ago, during which they adopted my two youngest nephews. I remember managing to Skype with them one or two times, and getting a few text exchanges in, even though their internet and communications were extremely limited. I was very excited at the time because of a turn I thought my life was taking. I was happy and hopeful for the first time in a couple of years.
That lasted all of about two weeks, when some proverbial dooky hit the fan and it took me almost a year to recover from the ensuing crapstorm. Basically, it was the death of my naivety regarding my situation, and my coming to terms with reality. I wanted things I could not have, even though I believed that I could manage. I wanted things that were not right or good, but seemed to make sense at the time. I wanted things, so many things, from the wrong places.
As I was rebuilding (or, perhaps more accurately, building) my life from that devastation, James and I got reacquainted. During that time, he gave me a lot of good advice, but was also annoyingly inconsistent about being available. I didn't realize it early on, but he was going through one of the toughest times in his life, too.
When we started seeing each other, I have to admit that I was probably not fit to date. I was insecure and needy and very seriously suggested calling the whole thing off about three or four times when what appeared to be insurmountable differences came to the front.
This sweet man took my histrionics in stride, typically "compromising" by first calming me down and often giving up things he wanted because he genuinely loved me... and I wasn't used to being truly loved. I didn't know how to take it. I didn't know how to turn off the scared.
It took until probably last summer, a few months after we had married and after we'd loved each other through a fast surprise pregnancy and miscarriage, but eventually, it took. Eventually, I got it.
James and I are a team. We're in this together. Not just whatever's going on this moment, but life. That's the way a marriage is supposed to be, I realize. James actually articulates this on a regular basis. For someone whose baggage says not to take for granted that love is unconditional, this is a big deal.
I've mentioned (to the point that you probably want to headdesk right now) that I've had a running crush on James for almost as long as I've known him. I knew he was a neat guy. I knew he was brilliant. I knew he was compassionate and articulate and fun. But I didn't know how easy it would become to trust him. I didn't realize that, after my initial struggle with trying to micro-manage our relationship, being together would be so simple. And secure. And empowering. And blissful. And joyous.
My husband is an exceptionally patient man, and I am sure I haven't tested that for the last time. But after what feels like a lifetime of struggling, it is incredible to be in a relationship where I can just rest. And I don't mean "rest" as in "stop trying" or anything like that. I mean the kind of rest that lets me forget about caring for myself and concentrate on caring for him and for us and for our family. The kind of rest that lets you be your best, and bring your everything to the table every day, because you're not worried that you're going to be rejected, or run out of steam, or have more stolen from you than you're able to offer.
I've read that one of a woman's primary needs is security. James provides that in every single aspect of our lives, and he seems to enjoy it. It's my goal to make sure he always feels like it's worth it.
Every day, this man tells me how much he appreciates something about me, whether it's the effort I go to to make our house a home, or fixing up for him, or cooking meals. In fact, I have a suspicion that this might actually be a "to do" item on his daily list. If that's the case, I ain't even mad about his auto-prompt; I'm flattered that it was important enough for him to make it a conscious action item.
He knows I love him. I tell him all the time. Like over and over. Annoyingly frequently, I'm afraid. And, just like this whole blog thing, the words are woefully deficient. I hope we have many, many years left for me to show him.
(Plus, he isn't exactly hard on the eyes... I mean, look at that face...)
That's how long I've had this blog window open, and have written nothing until today. Day Four.
This weekend, I was feeling overwhelmed by how amazing my husband is. That's when I decided to write about it. And, obviously, I've failed.
I've failed because when I start to write about James, the words that I end up seeing don't come close to describing what is awesome and admirable and lovable and life-changing about him. It's pretty frustrating, actually.
Over the past week, my sister's family has been remembering the trip they took to China three years ago, during which they adopted my two youngest nephews. I remember managing to Skype with them one or two times, and getting a few text exchanges in, even though their internet and communications were extremely limited. I was very excited at the time because of a turn I thought my life was taking. I was happy and hopeful for the first time in a couple of years.
That lasted all of about two weeks, when some proverbial dooky hit the fan and it took me almost a year to recover from the ensuing crapstorm. Basically, it was the death of my naivety regarding my situation, and my coming to terms with reality. I wanted things I could not have, even though I believed that I could manage. I wanted things that were not right or good, but seemed to make sense at the time. I wanted things, so many things, from the wrong places.
As I was rebuilding (or, perhaps more accurately, building) my life from that devastation, James and I got reacquainted. During that time, he gave me a lot of good advice, but was also annoyingly inconsistent about being available. I didn't realize it early on, but he was going through one of the toughest times in his life, too.
When we started seeing each other, I have to admit that I was probably not fit to date. I was insecure and needy and very seriously suggested calling the whole thing off about three or four times when what appeared to be insurmountable differences came to the front.
This sweet man took my histrionics in stride, typically "compromising" by first calming me down and often giving up things he wanted because he genuinely loved me... and I wasn't used to being truly loved. I didn't know how to take it. I didn't know how to turn off the scared.
It took until probably last summer, a few months after we had married and after we'd loved each other through a fast surprise pregnancy and miscarriage, but eventually, it took. Eventually, I got it.
James and I are a team. We're in this together. Not just whatever's going on this moment, but life. That's the way a marriage is supposed to be, I realize. James actually articulates this on a regular basis. For someone whose baggage says not to take for granted that love is unconditional, this is a big deal.
I've mentioned (to the point that you probably want to headdesk right now) that I've had a running crush on James for almost as long as I've known him. I knew he was a neat guy. I knew he was brilliant. I knew he was compassionate and articulate and fun. But I didn't know how easy it would become to trust him. I didn't realize that, after my initial struggle with trying to micro-manage our relationship, being together would be so simple. And secure. And empowering. And blissful. And joyous.
My husband is an exceptionally patient man, and I am sure I haven't tested that for the last time. But after what feels like a lifetime of struggling, it is incredible to be in a relationship where I can just rest. And I don't mean "rest" as in "stop trying" or anything like that. I mean the kind of rest that lets me forget about caring for myself and concentrate on caring for him and for us and for our family. The kind of rest that lets you be your best, and bring your everything to the table every day, because you're not worried that you're going to be rejected, or run out of steam, or have more stolen from you than you're able to offer.
I've read that one of a woman's primary needs is security. James provides that in every single aspect of our lives, and he seems to enjoy it. It's my goal to make sure he always feels like it's worth it.
Every day, this man tells me how much he appreciates something about me, whether it's the effort I go to to make our house a home, or fixing up for him, or cooking meals. In fact, I have a suspicion that this might actually be a "to do" item on his daily list. If that's the case, I ain't even mad about his auto-prompt; I'm flattered that it was important enough for him to make it a conscious action item.
He knows I love him. I tell him all the time. Like over and over. Annoyingly frequently, I'm afraid. And, just like this whole blog thing, the words are woefully deficient. I hope we have many, many years left for me to show him.
(Plus, he isn't exactly hard on the eyes... I mean, look at that face...)
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Review: The Cutting Room, Austin, TX
Several months ago, my daughter decided to get her first "real" hair cut... meaning, an actual style rather than just trimming up the ends as we have done her entire life until now. Both because I do mystery shopping and am often offered quicky-chain-salon jobs and because it's difficult for the cheap-o in me to justify paying more than $15 or so to have split ends chopped, we've always gone the quick and dirty route.
For this major change, though, I wanted someone who would take time, talk to Daphne, want to see her happy, and was in our neighborhood... Shopping local is a pretty big deal and one of the benefits of living as close as we do to everything. And, honestly, it's a luxury that my dear husband works very hard to afford us.
So, I called and made an appointment at The Cutting Room, which is easy walking distance from our house. Since I didn't know anyone who works there, we had no preference, and ended up with Melanie. As it turns out, she was the perfect fit for Daphne.
Immediately when the ponytail came off, Daphne already looked more like... Daphne. It's weird. Shorter hair suits her personality *so* much better.
While we were waiting for the processing, Melanie showed Daphne the bright colors of highlights that they can do, so Daphne could think about them in case she decided she wanted a purple or blue or something more drastic later.
For this major change, though, I wanted someone who would take time, talk to Daphne, want to see her happy, and was in our neighborhood... Shopping local is a pretty big deal and one of the benefits of living as close as we do to everything. And, honestly, it's a luxury that my dear husband works very hard to afford us.
So, I called and made an appointment at The Cutting Room, which is easy walking distance from our house. Since I didn't know anyone who works there, we had no preference, and ended up with Melanie. As it turns out, she was the perfect fit for Daphne.
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| The Cutting Room last Christmas season. |
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| And again on the spring day we visited. |
One of the coolest things about The Cutting Room is that they have a back bathroom full of robes for you to choose from. Daphne picked out a pretty standard "hair cutting" cape, but when we went back and I got my hair cut, I picked a purple silk that looked like a kimono. I seriously wanted to bring it home. One lady in the salon when we were there the first time had on a hippy muumuu. There are literally dozens to choose from, so that's fun.
Melanie sat Daphne down, looked at her head, talked to her about what she wanted to do, and showed her the plan before moving her back to the sinks for a shampoo.
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| This is an Aveda concept salon, so all of the product is Aveda. And smells delicious. |
After shampoo and conditioning, Melanie cut a ponytail long enough to qualify for Pantene's Pony Up! Beautiful Lengths hair donation. Locks of Love requires 10 inches, but Pantene only needs 8.
Immediately when the ponytail came off, Daphne already looked more like... Daphne. It's weird. Shorter hair suits her personality *so* much better.
Next came the cutting. So. much. cutting. Melanie was meticulous, measuring and eyeballing and working with some "fun" quirks Daphne's hair has. The end result was beautiful.
We wanted a few highlights, so Melanie put in some foils, carefully avoiding some damaged and vulnerable hair. She basically framed Daphne's face.
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| It's easy to enjoy the pretty view while waiting for the color to set. |
In the end, Melanie was disappointed that the highlights didn't "pop" as much as she wanted them to. I thought it looked great and very natural. She asked to take an "after" picture of D to add to her Instagram portfolio, and I promised to send her a "before."
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| Daphne, stoically enduring the modeling preparations. |
Her "before" is the top right. This style works really well for her, and she recently took to wearing a beanie most of the time, so basically she just has a bit of hair sticking out from the hat, which she loves.
Melanie didn't charge us full price for the highlights since she wasn't happy with them (even though I was), and offered to "fix" it next time we came in. We did go back two months later to get the cut evened out, but since D is wearing a hat most of the time, anyway, told the stylist not to worry about any more highlights for now. Even though it was just a maintenance trim, Daphne's clean-up took about 40 minutes. I appreciate the time and care dedicated to making clients look their best.
When D went in last time, I made an appointment for myself, as well. I needed a good trim, and I have very fine damaged hair that is in layers. Melanie did a great job with straightening everything out so that it looks healthy enough that I don't feel like I have to style it every day, so I can give it a rest.
One thing I really love is that a couple of the hair-dressers here asked about my hair color... and not one of them lectured me about coloring it at home. I've had employees at Super Cuts tell me that my hair will fall out if I don't let them professionally color it, or tell me that I'll never have healthy hair because I'm ruining it by using home color. The fact is, coloring hair at home might be worse on it than having someone custom mix and watch the process, but I cannot afford that every six weeks. I prefer not to be bawled out at the salon when all I want is to get my hair cut!
We were really pleased with everything about our visits to The Cutting Room. In fact, walking home after the initial cut, Daphne said, "I wish I could have better expressed my appreciation." So I'm expressing our appreciation by recommending The Cutting Room, and Melanie specifically. Go check them out!
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
July 4th and Seven Month Check-Up
It's been a great week for Team Dave's!
Last week, James got off work early on Thursday, and we drove up to McKinney. Actually, the driving part from Austin through Waco pretty much blew sewage, but my dad's tip to take the Dallas North Tollway instead of going through downtown to get to 75 was like magic.
We got to have dinner with my parents and socialize briefly before we dragged our exhausted booties to bed lamely early (except for Daphne, whom I reminded at some point when I woke up during the night to go to sleep).
Friday morning, we got up, had a leisurely breakfast, got D up, and headed north again. We got into Gore at about 1:00 PM, and got to spend all afternoon and evening with James' dad's family. It was the third year for James and me to go, and Daphne's second year.
After last year, James wanted to save up to take a haul of fireworks, so we did... and Daphne had a lot more fun this time. She really got along with James' cousin's daughter Gabby, and later D told me, "I'm 40% less scared of fire than I was before."
James has a very cool family, and I love that we already have a tradition to look forward to every year (even though driving that distance isn't anyone's favorite).
Good grief... next summer is our 25-year high school reunion! It'd be neat if we could double up on that. Gore is only about 40 miles from Fort Smith.
Our trip home Saturday was less traumatic, traffic-wise than the trip up. Also, we stopped in Sherman and got to have a great lunch with friends. One of Daphne's best friends, Kylie, and her parents, brother, and sister met us. So did Moses, Lisa, for whom I used to work, and their daughter. My theater sister, Sherri, my theater horrible in-law (but real-life pretty amazing person), Marty, and my theater "Jewish" sister-in-law, Susan, all showed up. Church friends Jill (and one of her three sweet girls) and Heather (and her daughter, Caroline, who was in gym with Daphne) rounded out our group, and I think Italian Affair should have given us a group discount. It was very cool to see everyone!
My family is the best, and traveling with them is awesome, even if the trip is long and tedious. I really want a private helicopter than I can fly from our back yard.
James hit the ground running with work, I have been domestically pretty busy this week, but Daphne has been able to ease back into school (yeah, we do school year-round, because I can't take endless days of leisure).
This morning, I had two mystery shops early, so I got a free dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a free Jiffy Lube oil change, then got home just in time to get to my midwife appointment. James got to go with me, even though he left about halfway through to be at a meeting at his office. He got to hear the heartbeat, and we talked over some stuff we were wondering about with the midwife.
She and the intern both tried to tell, just by touch, how the baby is lying, but they couldn't get a handle on it. So, we did a sonogram and found out Rooby is head-down, so that's a relief. I'm glad to use up the 10-pack of chiropractic adjustments I bought, though! Glad I don't have to double up to do the Webster thing.
Oh! Last night, or really early this morning, probably, James woke up and had put his arm across my "waist" (or where it used to be). After a few minutes, I'd gone back to sleep but was awakened when James said, "I don't know how you can sleep through that!" Yeah, I guess the baby is pretty active. But I'm used to it. I'm sleeping VERY well, thankyouverymuch. But apparently it's keeping James awake.
Anyway, the rest of the midwife's appointment was fine. I'd gained about 10 pounds my first trimester, and then I gained 10 pounds in something like 3 weeks! But in since May 24, I've only gained 2 pounds. I guess my blood volume increased A LOT there for a while, and I was having problems with swelling, too. It was really creepy. That's a lot better now. BUT I put on like 15 pounds the last 3 weeks I was pregnant with Daphne (and lost them within several days of giving birth, so it was all fluid... and it was uncomfortable as heck)... I'm hoping to avoid that this time! Still no stretch marks or anything (another thing I avoided until that last couple of weeks with D). I'm feeling great. My blood pressure was 90/68! I just need to get to the pool again soon!
I'm trying to talk Daphne into going with me to the 4th Annual 6th Street and Trinity Splash Mob, but she doesn't seem convinced. Well, I might just ride my bike down there by myself and do it, anyway! Yes, James would totally be into it... but his work is crazy right now, so he doesn't have much down time, even on the weekends. That's one reason I loved this weekend so much. Hanging out with that guy is one of my favorite things.
That's all of the news that's fit to print for now. 32 weeks as of tomorrow. In no hurry. I'm loving my sleep. :)
Last week, James got off work early on Thursday, and we drove up to McKinney. Actually, the driving part from Austin through Waco pretty much blew sewage, but my dad's tip to take the Dallas North Tollway instead of going through downtown to get to 75 was like magic.
We got to have dinner with my parents and socialize briefly before we dragged our exhausted booties to bed lamely early (except for Daphne, whom I reminded at some point when I woke up during the night to go to sleep).
Friday morning, we got up, had a leisurely breakfast, got D up, and headed north again. We got into Gore at about 1:00 PM, and got to spend all afternoon and evening with James' dad's family. It was the third year for James and me to go, and Daphne's second year.
After last year, James wanted to save up to take a haul of fireworks, so we did... and Daphne had a lot more fun this time. She really got along with James' cousin's daughter Gabby, and later D told me, "I'm 40% less scared of fire than I was before."
James has a very cool family, and I love that we already have a tradition to look forward to every year (even though driving that distance isn't anyone's favorite).
Good grief... next summer is our 25-year high school reunion! It'd be neat if we could double up on that. Gore is only about 40 miles from Fort Smith.
Our trip home Saturday was less traumatic, traffic-wise than the trip up. Also, we stopped in Sherman and got to have a great lunch with friends. One of Daphne's best friends, Kylie, and her parents, brother, and sister met us. So did Moses, Lisa, for whom I used to work, and their daughter. My theater sister, Sherri, my theater horrible in-law (but real-life pretty amazing person), Marty, and my theater "Jewish" sister-in-law, Susan, all showed up. Church friends Jill (and one of her three sweet girls) and Heather (and her daughter, Caroline, who was in gym with Daphne) rounded out our group, and I think Italian Affair should have given us a group discount. It was very cool to see everyone!
My family is the best, and traveling with them is awesome, even if the trip is long and tedious. I really want a private helicopter than I can fly from our back yard.
James hit the ground running with work, I have been domestically pretty busy this week, but Daphne has been able to ease back into school (yeah, we do school year-round, because I can't take endless days of leisure).
This morning, I had two mystery shops early, so I got a free dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a free Jiffy Lube oil change, then got home just in time to get to my midwife appointment. James got to go with me, even though he left about halfway through to be at a meeting at his office. He got to hear the heartbeat, and we talked over some stuff we were wondering about with the midwife.
She and the intern both tried to tell, just by touch, how the baby is lying, but they couldn't get a handle on it. So, we did a sonogram and found out Rooby is head-down, so that's a relief. I'm glad to use up the 10-pack of chiropractic adjustments I bought, though! Glad I don't have to double up to do the Webster thing.
Oh! Last night, or really early this morning, probably, James woke up and had put his arm across my "waist" (or where it used to be). After a few minutes, I'd gone back to sleep but was awakened when James said, "I don't know how you can sleep through that!" Yeah, I guess the baby is pretty active. But I'm used to it. I'm sleeping VERY well, thankyouverymuch. But apparently it's keeping James awake.
Anyway, the rest of the midwife's appointment was fine. I'd gained about 10 pounds my first trimester, and then I gained 10 pounds in something like 3 weeks! But in since May 24, I've only gained 2 pounds. I guess my blood volume increased A LOT there for a while, and I was having problems with swelling, too. It was really creepy. That's a lot better now. BUT I put on like 15 pounds the last 3 weeks I was pregnant with Daphne (and lost them within several days of giving birth, so it was all fluid... and it was uncomfortable as heck)... I'm hoping to avoid that this time! Still no stretch marks or anything (another thing I avoided until that last couple of weeks with D). I'm feeling great. My blood pressure was 90/68! I just need to get to the pool again soon!
I'm trying to talk Daphne into going with me to the 4th Annual 6th Street and Trinity Splash Mob, but she doesn't seem convinced. Well, I might just ride my bike down there by myself and do it, anyway! Yes, James would totally be into it... but his work is crazy right now, so he doesn't have much down time, even on the weekends. That's one reason I loved this weekend so much. Hanging out with that guy is one of my favorite things.
That's all of the news that's fit to print for now. 32 weeks as of tomorrow. In no hurry. I'm loving my sleep. :)
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
The Gender Issue
It seems like 2/3 of the women I know are pregnant, and of course one of the things that is super exciting to all of us is whether we're having a girl or a boy.
The funny part is, we can all have an opinion or a preference, but once we find out, we're all equally in love. Thank God the US doesn't have official policies that make this a matter of life and death (literally). But, even so, there are still norms and expectations that can put pressure on either of the sexes to do or be certain things.
Our nursery is gender-neutral. Thing is, Daphne's was, too, and I knew she was a girl. It was all space and astronauts and fun stuff.
There are several things I've come across recently that have really struck me. Before I link to them, I'll say this: Yes, I get that girls and boys are different. But one isn't better or worse, and there are definitely some things we as a society enforce that are illogical and unjust.
Here are a couple of videos:
I put that one first because it might have made you tear up, whereas this next one might make some of you say, "Yeah, but..." But stay in the spirit of the first video, okay? Stay with me here.
When I was in high school, one of my best girlfriends did not wear make-up. Like ever. Well, except in her senior picture, which didn't look like her *at all*. But I think it was expected that she should do that since she was a girl. And it was very jarring, because that wasn't her.
So, basically, if you ask, "What do you want to have?" the answer is that I want to have a kid who is comfortable in his or her own skin, who knows who he or she is, and who is given the freedom to explore and become whomever God made them. Even if I don't always understand it. Even if he faces difficulty because he is obsessed with baking and cake decorating (then again, this might just be wishful thinking on my part). Even if she is more comfortable writing fantasy worlds than hanging out giggling with a bunch of other pre-teens. Maybe he'll turn out to be the most awesome stay-home dad ever. Maybe she'll never marry and will live a quiet life raising animals in the country by herself.
As long as my kids are well and good, I'm not going to mar it by arbitrary expectations. I look forward to seeing how both of them turn out.
The funny part is, we can all have an opinion or a preference, but once we find out, we're all equally in love. Thank God the US doesn't have official policies that make this a matter of life and death (literally). But, even so, there are still norms and expectations that can put pressure on either of the sexes to do or be certain things.
Our nursery is gender-neutral. Thing is, Daphne's was, too, and I knew she was a girl. It was all space and astronauts and fun stuff.
There are several things I've come across recently that have really struck me. Before I link to them, I'll say this: Yes, I get that girls and boys are different. But one isn't better or worse, and there are definitely some things we as a society enforce that are illogical and unjust.
Here are a couple of videos:
I put that one first because it might have made you tear up, whereas this next one might make some of you say, "Yeah, but..." But stay in the spirit of the first video, okay? Stay with me here.
When I was in high school, one of my best girlfriends did not wear make-up. Like ever. Well, except in her senior picture, which didn't look like her *at all*. But I think it was expected that she should do that since she was a girl. And it was very jarring, because that wasn't her.
So, basically, if you ask, "What do you want to have?" the answer is that I want to have a kid who is comfortable in his or her own skin, who knows who he or she is, and who is given the freedom to explore and become whomever God made them. Even if I don't always understand it. Even if he faces difficulty because he is obsessed with baking and cake decorating (then again, this might just be wishful thinking on my part). Even if she is more comfortable writing fantasy worlds than hanging out giggling with a bunch of other pre-teens. Maybe he'll turn out to be the most awesome stay-home dad ever. Maybe she'll never marry and will live a quiet life raising animals in the country by herself.
As long as my kids are well and good, I'm not going to mar it by arbitrary expectations. I look forward to seeing how both of them turn out.
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