S'posedta Be

I thought that I was supposed to be an astronaut, then I found out that candidates (at the time) had to have 20/20 vision, and I didn't.

I thought that I was supposed to fit in in high school by being on the drill team, but my parents didn't let me audition.

I thought that I was supposed to be one of "those girls" from Arkansas who got married at a young age, but the guy who'd asked me turned out to be gay.

I thought that I was supposed to be an actress, but realized before my final year of college that I did not have the drive to do the things my classmates did just to secure auditions. I knew that I had marginal talent that it would have taken superior drive to make work, and I did not have that in me.

I thought that I was supposed to adopt, but I was too young and immature even to manage a marriage, much less a baby.

Later, I thought that I wasn't ever supposed to have kids at all, but then Daphne came along.

I thought that I was supposed to change the lives of six at-risk young men by being a house parent at Boys' and Girls' Town, but it turns out that bonding with a group of very angry teenagers whilst trying to bond with a two-month-old baby is not something I was equipped to do simultaneously.

I thought that I was supposed to change people's lives through my story-telling, but those opportunities went away with the passing of my marriage.

I thought that I was supposed to be a stay-home wife and homeschool mom, then I was single and I had to get a job.

I thought that I was supposed to be a single mom with a gym rat kid, living a bohemian life in a recreational vehicle, and then James and I reconnected.

In my life, I have had access to incredible opportunities. I've squandered a lot of them, but I've taken advantage of a lot of them, too. I've messed up, I've given up too soon, I've stomped my feet and been a brat, I've hurt people. But I've also helped people, I've fought when others told me to bolt, I have stood in the shadows, watching smiles that I know were because of something that I did, and have taken quiet pleasure in that.

For all of the time I spent obsessing over what I was supposed to be, I sometimes lost sight of what I was in that moment. Today, I am a wife, and a mother, and a homeschool facilitator, and a lover of adventure. But if everything changes tomorrow, I'll still be exactly what I'm "supposed" to be. And that is enough.