A Serious Post About the Kid I Already Have

Daphne has always been an only child. She has loved it. One time, after her first cat disappeared (I think he ended up co-opted by the across-the-street neighbors who had about 8 indoor cats) when she was 6, in petitioning for another cat, she said, "You're always busy, Dad's always on the computer, and I don't have a sibling to play with, so I get lonely." Although that had a bunch of hyperbole in it, it touched me and she got another cat. And another two cats when that one died. So I might be a sucker and/or a glutton for punishment.

Beyond that, she's never referenced wanting anyone around to accompany her.

She has also always been resistant to change.

When Daphne was very small, in order to get her to give up her one formula bottle she was drinking every morning, we had a big ceremony of her taking her baby bottles out of the cabinet, putting them in a trash bag, and personally delivering them to the garbage man when he came that day. Then we stood on the curb and waved them down the street.

From that time, when she was probably 15-18 months old, until she was 7 years old, every morning, she had a Sippy cup full of Ovaltine. I had to make the Ovaltine. If anyone else made it, she didn't like it. (I only used 2 spoons full of powder, which was a fraction of what's recommended.) I microwaved it for 1 minute, 11 seconds. Then Daphne would sit in my lap and play with my hair while she drank. She liked playing with my hair when it was straight and dry. If I'd already showered that morning and my hair was damp, she wasn't happy. If I'd curled my hair, she didn't like it. She preferred everything the exact same way. Every. Day. For over five years. (I finally made her stop when the Sippy cup lid was blistering her tongue because of how slowly the liquid comes out and her fighting to get it out more quickly.)

She also stayed in gymnastics probably a good year after she was "through" because I think she'd put a lot of her identity in it and didn't know how to quit (read: change). I told her dozens of times: "Gym isn't what you are; it's just something you do." But until we decided to move away, at which time she said, "Let's just quit gym NOW then, because there's no point learning new tricks," she was resistant to change that... before there was no choice.

When we moved to Austin, Daphne and I were burnt out. We had been going to my work every weekday at 10 AM, then home for lunch at 2 PM. I'd take her to the gym at 3 and return to work, then either work out and pick her up from the gym at 7, or, if I were in a play, a friend would bring her to the theater and we'd hang out there until rehearsals were over at 10. I had Fridays off, and we were part of a homeschool co-op.

So when we got into town, we decided to take a break from "leaving." We stayed home a lot. It felt great. Very free and luxurious. And Daphne got used to that. We tried a couple of things like PE classes and parkour, but over all, Daphne just liked being home. She's an introvert and needs a lot of down time. She loves hanging out with her cousins, but after a few hours of that, she needs quiet again. Because I am marginally extroverted, this is something I'm trying to understand. Having James around has helped me with that a lot.

To review: introvert, contented only child, resistant to change.

Daphne got "used to" James pretty fast, because he's just a cool guy and he's not socially demanding. Sharing me with a grown-up, though, was a totally different thing than sharing me with a baby. Daphne has no experience with babies, except for the noisy ones we encounter in public. Because of those, she is not impressed.

Daphne does not know what will happen when the baby comes. She has had some anxiety about that, and somewhat recently, when James and I finally pulled some stuff out of her about it, we realized that she had unrealistic expectations regarding her personal responsibility for the care of the baby. We straightened that out, but she still truly has no idea what it's going to look like. Honestly, none of us knows exactly what to expect. The difference is that James and I are the parents and vaguely planned for this. Daphne is having it foisted upon her.

Ever since people have learned that I'm expecting, they have attempted to bring Daphne into the circle of excitement, and she patently refuses to join. I'm okay with that; she is allowed to feel how she feels. Other people don't seem to like it as much.

But if you love my daughter, would you do me a favor during the next month or so, and even after the birth? It would mean a lot to this momma who was just fine having only one kid because she's always been "enough."

1) Please just stop asking her if she's excited. She will tell you the truth, that she's not, and often people aren't sure how to respond and will say something like, "Aww, you MUST be excited." No, she must not.

2) Acknowledge her for herself as an individual, not a potential big sister. She has interests and likes to talk about fandoms and art and music. Not so much babies.

3) Don't tell her that she will change her mind once the baby is born. Again, this just invalidates to her how she feels. And I'm not saying that she's stubborn, but it does seem to reinforce her commitment to staying checked out of the whole thing.

4) Don't say the same thing to me in her presence, even if she's in the other room and you think she's not listening. She is. It comes off to her as condescending.

5) Daphne doesn't need to be "sold" on being a big sister. You don't have to tell her the benefits of having a little sibling, especially things like how the little will idolize her and want to be just like her. What she hears when you say that is, "This kid is going to follow you around, stick to you like glue, watch everything you do, tear up your room," etc.

6) After the baby is born, please ask Daphne questions about herself and her life and her art and her "stuff." Don't make all of the questions about how it's going with a baby in the house.

Daphne has some anxiety associated with the arrival of a sibling. I am confident that it's all going to calm down and be fine, but there's really no way to prepare Daphne for it; she's just going to have to experience it. And having so many people trying to "help" her just reinforces that a huge shake-up is around the bend, and adds to her dread.

My sweet Mema used to be very stressed out by the knowledge that other people weren't happy happy happy, and she tried to make sure they were, even when it meant ignoring their reality. I'm completely chill with the way things are, and don't think Daphne's attitude is something to be "fixed." I've struggled much less graciously against unwanted change in my life. If we can all just cut the kid some slack and let her be herself where she is right now, I think that would help a lot.

Also, if you want to pray with me that she'll make at least one close friend when she starts Monday classes this fall, I'd appreciate it! Our "time out" from extra-curricular activities has made her very comfortable with being alone, to the point that she'd rather associate with online friends than real-world present people most of the time. I get this; I really do. But I'd love for her to have someone here she can talk to and hang out with on occasion. She had made a potentially good friend in BSF, but sadly she had to move last spring. Daphne misses her a lot. It's exhausting starting over with a new person. That is one thing I understand completely.

Thanks for loving my girl! I surely do.