The Last Month (hopefully!)

Now we've reached the part of the pregnancy where I'll be walking up the hill to the midwife's every week for a quick check-in. It's kind of fun that all of my information is online and I can access it very easily. Check this out:

The two weeks that my pulse is the highest? The first time, June 11, was during my glucose test. I was processing sugar. The second time, this week, was after I'd gotten up and ridden my bike 9.66 miles then got home with exactly enough time to take a shower and cram a Nutella/fig preserves sandwich down my gullet. So... processing sugar. :) I'm nothing if not consistent.

I was reminded yesterday that I'm super competitive about some things, too. Like ridiculously. First of all, James had his blood pressure taken at the urologist's yesterday. When she read it off, my reaction was, "Suck it! I WIN!" when, actually, his blood pressure is probably a bit too high. What a jerk! Then, when the nurse practitioner realized that James hadn't had a prostate exam in twenty years and therefore palpated it just to make sure we weren't dealing with anything risky, my initial thought was, "This lady just got further with James than I've ever been." Never mind the grimace of pain on his face, or his clenched... well, everything. I might have some issues.

We are both very excited and happy about this particular baby, but we obviously have a plan in the works to avoid further baby-making. While James and I have agreed on this (with his agreement taking a much more drastic commitment than mine does), I don't know that we've discussed the nitty-gritty reasons for pursuing such a permanent solution.

It's all about age; though, for me, it has less to do with "I don't want to be 60 and still have a kid in the house" (I probably will) than it does, "Every day that passes increases the risk of genetic mutations, birth defects, miscarriages, etc." While this pregnancy has been mostly easy and actually enjoyable, there has been a low-level anxiety throughout, if I've allowed myself to think about it much. First, we had an unsuccessful pregnancy already. It was obvious that that one was not going to be viable, and even if I'd carried it longer than 10 weeks, it still would not have made it.

So at first, I had some nerves with this one. Even after the 8-week ultrasound revealed a heartbeat, later on I had some bleeding and went straight to, "Okay, not this time, either." Obviously, it wasn't a big deal and here we are months later. But there's still a thing. The 18-ish week ultrasound was fine. All of the pertinent areas of development were present and accounted for with no anomalies. And in the Doppler since then, I've seen the brain, and it's intact, which probably means that the baby will take after its dad.

Now, I don't live in a place of nervousness. But I also don't try to imagine too much what it will be like after the baby is born, like I did with Daphne. It's all too real to me that the baby might have an issue we haven't been able to pinpoint in the womb. I think the obsession with "ten fingers, ten toes" is ridiculous because I don't actually care whether this kid has a stump or eight digits on one side. But I desperately (and probably selfishly) wish for it to be developmentally and medically unremarkable. I want James to walk through the exhausting yet mundane spectrum of parenting that goes along with the "typical" experience.

Struggling with those realities, and then the second-guessing of my character for wanting it to be as easy as parenting possibly can be, and all of the associated mind games is why I'm ready for this to be the last baby I will ever have. I adore James, and I'd love to have five kids with him. But I feel like our biological clocks have now become time bombs, and that it's probably best for everyone if we pack it up after this one.

And that's the thing; it *will* be after this one. First of all, it is for expediency's sake, as James and I will both be in recovery simultaneously (though mine will bookend his a couple of weeks on both sides). Secondly, if something happened like a stillbirth (I know, God forbid, but it happens), who knows but that we're not foolishly in love enough to want to try just one more time? Thirdly, if I have to have some emergency procedure instead of the low-key no-intervention birth I am idealizing, then we can go ahead and take care of the birth control on my end.

This weekend, I plan to buy and prepare about 20 meals to have in the freezer. I'll need to supplement with fresh veggies and fruits, but at least our main dishes will be handled for a while. My sister and I might get together to chop and chat, and I think we're riding our bikes Sunday morning, if anyone else wants to meet us and check out the new Town Lake Boardwalk. I'm pretty excited about that!

Because I only have 2 adjustments left in my chiropractic package, I didn't go this week. I've felt it! I need to adjust myself more often, and find my back popping when I turn in a way that it doesn't when I've been "set." I go in on Monday, then will wait another two weeks and that'll be it. I'll actually probably pay for one home visit. Laine said her favorite thing is newborn home visits. She'll adjust me and do a light baby adjustment. At some point, I want to get D into her office, since she spends so much time hunkered over drawing.

Tonight, I have a mystery shop dinner and it's time to start getting ready for that. Trying to hold off on the snacking this afternoon so I'll be ready... but it's *whine* so hard! I probably need to start depriving myself even when I "feel" hungry just to get into the habit. The baby's fine and I'm fine and I don't need to feel sated to stuffed every second of the day. It has been fun while it's lasted, though! I'm super good at indulging.