Marriage and "work"

A very close friend of mine is getting married... well, right now, actually. So I've been thinking a lot about getting hitched lately, and today was reminded of this:

Mindy Kaling has an awesome chapter in her book "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?" called "Married People Need to Step It Up." She talks about how many "unhappily married" people she's met, particularly a guy she calls "Tim" who sees it as his mission in life to constantly harp on how difficult it is to be married.

"Tim is the kind of guy who corners you at a party to tell you, vehemently, that marriage is work. And that you have to work on it constantly. And that going to couple's therapy is not only normal but something everyone needs to do... He is convinced that his daily work on his marriage, and his acknowledgment that it is basically a living hell, is modern...

"C'Mon, married people. I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting, or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame, or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat. I want to see you guys high-five each other like teammates on a recreational softball team you both do for fun. I want to hear about it because I know it's possible, and because I want it for myself.

"My parents get along because they are pals...I guess I think happiness can come in a bunch of forms, and maybe a marriage with tons of work makes people feel happy. But part of me still thinks...is it really so hard to make it work? What happened to being pals? ...And I'm not saying that marriage should always be easy. But we seem to get gloomily worked up about it these days."

In my experience (and, sadly, I've had too much of it), there are two distinct kinds of work that can comprise a marriage. To illustrate, let's say that our married couple is in a small boat, and their goal is to get as far upstream as they can manage.

In one boat, one person paddles consistently and enthusiastically toward the finish line. That person might have started off really enjoying the camaraderie and the view and even the challenge, but at some point realizes that they are losing ground rapidly and growing exhausted. Looking to the partner, the paddler realizes that the other person has affixed a motor to the boat and is not only propelling it with mechanical force in the opposite direction that they're supposed to be going, but is also actively trying to topple the boat.

"What are you doing? We're supposed to be going that way!"

"I know! So why aren't we? You must not be doing this right or we'd be getting closer instead of further away."

And it doesn't matter if the first points out to the second the obvious sabotage; there is no logic here. There is no cooperation. It's a constant fight. It's "work," but it's discouraging, heart-breaking, demeaning, draining work.

I don't believe this is the kind of "work" marriage is supposed to be in the long-term (yeah, we all have our moments, so there are seasons, for sure).

Now, here's the second kind of "work." The couple is in the boat together, both outfitted with paddles and heading in the same direction. They hit trouble spots and have to strategize, figure out their strengths, maybe even improvise tools with what they have on hand. Sometimes, they're extraordinarily successful in navigating the rough waters. Other times, the boat rocks and maybe even capsizes, but they both look out for each other, right things, and help the other scramble back aboard and try it again.

After a bit, the challenges they face together don't seem so daunting as they recognize the rhythms of their teamwork. They actually start to look forward to obstacles because it gives them a chance to tackle something important together.

Sometimes, it's no work at all, and they just get to look around and take in the scenery and marvel in it and each other. Other times, it's more intense, but the peace of being together, of having someone on whom to count, makes even the rough patches infinitely more enjoyable.

My friend who's getting married today? For him and his wife, I pray for the life-affirming work of the second example. He's good for it and he deserves it. Oh, and he will appreciate it, never taking it for granted.

I know this because of my own experience. James tells me sometimes that as much as some of our past relationships have sucked, it's honestly put us into a place where we can fully recognize and embrace what we have together.

The other day, I was telling my sister about different things that have happened that have helped me see that James is the perfect partner for me. She said she thought it the day she saw this picture:

I think I've posted this song before, but there's a line in it that I adore...

"One day I hope to find someone who doesn't mind being embarrassed by me all of the time."

When I told James that this summed up our relationship, he said he'd never be embarrassed by me. I believe him. Any time I have goofy ideas about which I tell him, like the shark picture above, his reaction is almost always, "That's AWESOME!"

While I don't believe in a "soul mate," I definitely know that there are people who are better suited to each other than some pairs might be. Let's face it; Some of us decide independently to choreograph a 5-minute dance to a showtune and whip it out at our 20th high school reunion. And that kind of thing is a lot better if the person who's supposed to love you the most in the world thinks it's fun and quirky and impressive rather than stupid and humiliating.

And some of us accidentally snort our straws up our noses when we're trying to hold a conversation, and those people need unconditional love and acceptance, too.

I am constantly overwhelmed by the blessings of my marriage, and I wish the same thing for my friend and his new wife. I wish it for all of you.