Seven Reasons Why Formula-Feeding Totally ROCKS!

Shortly after Daphne was born, we realized she was tongue-tied and I wouldn't be able to breast-feed. I'd tried (stressfully, for the both of us) for three days and then found out I'd basically been starving her. The first formula I offered her, she slurped up greedily, and after the lactation consultant from the hospital stopped calling me, I never looked back.

I'd wanted to breast-feed, and I was temporarily disappointed that I'd be unable to do that, but I jettisoned that plan relentlessly when I realized my daughter's well-being was at stake.

This time, with Mal, breast-feeding seems to be going "well." By "well," I mean that my milk has come in successfully and that he drinks it. However, after only three short weeks, there are glaring advantages to formula-feeding that have me thinking back nostalgically on those days of bottles. I will detail these advantages below.

After you read this list, you might wonder why I'm breast-feeding at all, so I'll tell you -- and, no, it's not because it's "healthier," because science and time have not borne that out; if it were a cut-and-dried issue, we could tell bottle-fed adults from breast-fed adults, and you just can't. My daughter has averaged one doctor's visit every three years of her life since she was a year old, and she's pretty dang smart, and we bonded, so none of those "arguments" have anything to do with my current choice to breast-feed.

Why I Breast-Feed: 1) It's cheaper. 2) I don't have to get up in the night to make a bottle. (Or suffer the consequences of forgetting a bottle when I leave the house.) 3) Allegedly, it burns 300-500 calories a day, and Momma needs all of the help she can get. 4) Poop don't stink.

Seriously, that's it. We've actually tried two or three times to give Mal a bottle, and he's ticked off about the whole notion. But here's why the bottle rocks my socks off, in no particular order:

1) Anyone can give the baby a bottle! Right now, Mal wants to eat. ALL OF THE TIME. And although the midwife, in an inspirational talk, assured me that things would be different "a week from now, and two weeks from now, and next month" when he was a week old, not too much has changed. He constantly wants to eat. And it's ALL on me. I can't go in the bedroom and talk to James privately, much less leave Mal with anyone and walk to dinner for an hour. People want to come over to visit the baby and hold him, but he wants to eat. ALL OF THE TIME. And I'm the only person who can give him food.

No, I haven't pumped yet so I don't have any milk supplies in the freezer or anything. Remember that whole thing about how he wants to eat ALL OF THE TIME? He does sleep for two- to three-hour stretches occasionally, but they're so random, I can't count on them and don't want to start pumping, have him wake up from a doze-off "famished," and then not have any milk.

Yes, he also sleeps for stretches at night, but I'm tired, too, and I choose to sleep.

2) When you formula-feed, you don't have to worry that if your husband had an internal monologue like mine, made up of Tweets and Facebook status updates, it would currently be, "I never thought I'd be tired of seeing my wife's breasts." (P.S. Daphne was tired of it the first time I whipped that puppy out.) (P.P.S. James said his internal monologue has only one line: "Farts are funny." That could be a Tweet.)

3) Formula-feeding is a lot less awkward in public and mixed-company situations. And, I know, some of you think it's not awkward at all, and bless your hearts. I'm not there. I feel self-conscious pulling out a boob in a restaurant or at church.

And forget about the grocery store. I might never be able to go to the store again, as it takes me 1 1/2 to 2 hours to shop, and this child wants to eat ALL OF THE TIME. Now, I know, also, that some of you can strap your baby on and nurse them while you shop, OR sit them in the child seat of the buggy and they'll just lean over and nurse, and nobody even notices. Again, you've reached a mom level I'll probably never hit.

Being in a room full of family and friends, I am super aware that even if I cover the majority of my ample bosom with a blanket, Mal is going to back off, leaving my glistening nipple visible until I notice and cover it. And I've lost enough sensitivity in that area (thank goodness!) that sometimes, I don't notice that I'm *not* covered. So I apologize in absentia and in advance in case this happens to any of you dudes. (And, no, I can't keep his head covered while I'm feeding; it's Austin, it's hot and muggy, and it's SUPER uncomfortable in there... we've tried.)

4) When you breast-feed, you second-guess EVERYTHING. Do I have enough milk? Now that I have enough milk, did I eat something that is making him cry like that? Is it dairy? Nuts? Nut butter? Chocolate? Onions? Tomatoes? Caffeine? Am I torturing my child with my old lady curdled non-sustaining boob cheese? ARE BABIES SUPPOSED TO CRY THIS MUCH?! I'm pretty sure that by the end of this week, my diet will consist solely of bananas and avocados.

5) When you formula feed, your nipples don't permanently look like you decided to visit Alaska in the dead of winter and forgot your coat. Or any clothes at all. (Sorry; was that TMI?)

6) Formula-feeding supporters don't feel motivated to create condescending infographics like this one.

P.S. Sometimes I feel like a pacifier. Also, sometimes I feel like a sadist. Anyone else had a sometimes-angry-feeder? Good gravy. I feel like I should apologize for supplying him that apparently venomous brine.

7) When you formula-feed and your husband comes to bed, telling you goodnight and stroking your breast, you don't leak. (Again, TMI?)