"Treasure Every Moment"??

Having a newborn baby is exhausting. You hear that, but you don't get it until you have one (although perhaps the first couple of weeks with a new puppy come close; at least Mal won't tear up the couch or poop behind the stove when I'm not paying attention). I don't mean that in a condescending way. It just is.

When Daphne was four days old, I wrote this: "The word 'mommy' means something different to me now. This is not a warm fuzzy term of endearment at this point; it is a hard, dirty, almost war-like appointment. I'm not sure I am mature enough for the task, but no one may ever be until it is forced upon them. I long to pay more attention to my dog. I ache to sing songs to Daphne and to show her things about the world around her. I would love to feel like my 'normal self' for a while. But there is too much to do and not enough time..."

You'll notice that I only had one baby... until love convinced me to have another. I adored D and I love Mal. But babies are DIFFICULT. I am not one who looked back at baby pictures of Daphne and thought nostalgically, "Awww, I miss that stage." I never did. The older Daphne got, the more I enjoyed her.

So... No one is obligated to listen to my complaints about bone-tired weariness. I know it's par for the course, and we're still surviving. But there are two things that people say that make me more than a little bit crazy.

THING NUMBER ONE: "Treasure every moment. It goes by too fast."

Well, I suppose that is two things. To address the first: No. I'm sorry, but we're human and although all of life is precious, none of us treasures EVERY moment. We squander. It happens. When you're with a sick kid in the E/R waiting room, do you treasure that moment? Or do you wish it'd be over with because you'd like to get to the solution? That's how I feel when Mal won't let me put him down, or when he's crying for reasons I can't discern, or when he wants to eat every second of his waking life.

When you have a teenager, if you tell a co-worker, "Last night, my daughter came in and asked her mom and me to turn the channel because she wanted to watch Teen Mom 6, but we since we were already watching NCIS, we told her no, but asked her to sit with us and watch. She screamed, 'You are a couple of fat-ass idiots, and if you really loved me, you would have put me up for adoption!' then she ran to her room, slammed the door, and cranked the radio," no one says, "Aww, well treasure every moment because she'll be moved out before you know it."

Can we please be honest and say that there are parts of parenting that aren't our favorites? Maybe your least favorite is the awkward tween thing. Maybe you hate potty-training. Maybe you really can't stand the terrible twos and have facetiously thought of selling your screaming brat on eBay (when that was a thing). Maybe the teen years make you question your decision to procreate. It's okay. We all have those moments.

For me, it happens to be early infancy. It's just not my favorite. That doesn't mean I don't love my boy, or that I'm resentful or not properly caring for him. For me, this is a means to an end. It gets me from Point A (not having a kid) to Point B (having a child and having the basis of a relationship with him).

Yes, there are many, MANY times in a day when I'm overwhelmed by my maternal affection for Mal. I just stare at his face in wonder. But there are also many times in a day when I'd really like to be able to use the restroom without feeling like there is a timer going. And that's okay.

By the way, a shout-out to a bunch of my friends who are expecting for the first time. Especially if you had to go through a lot to get pregnant or are in the process of adopting, you might be mystified when the time comes that, after you've gotten everything you ever wanted, you are troubled by a fleeting thought of, "Why did we want this so much?" or "Why did we think we could do this?" PLEASE don't let anyone make you feel guilty for being exhausted and being in the adjustment phase. It passes. But it's a real thing. And right now, it's my thing.

Even Mary, the very mother of our Lord, treasured up "these things" and not ALL things. She didn't even have a washing machine for her diapers. I can't imagine.

Part B, the "it passes too quickly." Pppth. Some people look at their kids' baby pictures with semi-sadness, wishing those days back. I don't. I loved the toddler stage, and think pretty much everything preschool kids do is adorable. But I never wish those days back. I certainly don't feel like Daphne grew up "too fast." I mean, yes, I miss the days when she'd hold my hand in public and actually liked to go out with me. But that was when she was 10, and I know that this stage we're in now is a transition. I trust that we will be really great friends when she's an adult. I don't ever wish her younger, and have liked her as a person more and more as she has matured and become more independent.

Time passes exactly the same for everything. There is no "too quickly."

When people look ahead excitedly to their wedding, why aren't they chided, "Don't wish the time away! Enjoy today!" Because being abstinent with you're in the throes of passion is fun! Woo hoo! Well, that's a little silly, but you get what I'm saying.

THING NUMBER TWO: "Forget about chores..."

To the people who have suggested this, I'd like to know: What is your solution? What is the alternative to getting things done that genuinely need to be done?

Believe me, I'm not kicking my butt over the fact that I haven't dusted in more than a month (my sister did a couple of weeks ago, though!). I don't need to wash the windows or sweep the patio or anything like that.

But we only have a limited number of clothes, and when they're all dirty... what? I can only "ignore" laundry so long before we suffer. Same with doing dishes, cooking meals, and going to the grocery store.

I understand that these people probably mean not to obsess over the small things, and to get people to help. I've done both of those things, but there are still things that need to be done. Having an infant doesn't mean I'm not a wife anymore, even temporarily. Or that I can just ignore my older child. This is the first year I've ordered her a cake because I don't have time to make one for her. It's cool, and she'll love it, but I could have made the cake she wanted this year. It wasn't a big deal. I just know I won't have time. (P.S. "But you had time to write this blog post!" Yes, in sentence fragments over days and days; cakes don't work like that when you don't have ample refrigerated storage or ways to keep it from cats.)

So if you say to forget about the chores and by that mean that you are going to take care of them for us, then, by all means, come on over! Bring food (and many thanks to the friends who have; it's been awesome!)! Feel free to vacuum because even that genuinely needs to be done on a daily basis or we end up with cat litter all over the place. (I already did it today, though.)

IN SUMMARY, while I appreciate people's concern for me, advice that is tantamount to "Buck up, sweetheart," isn't very encouraging. I get that parenting is difficult; I've been though this once and lived (and the kid lived! Bonus points!). I get that kids are only the age they are the moment they're that age, and then never again. Well, then, let me say I'm looking forward to the first birthday when, if it's like it was with Daphne (and so far, almost nothing has been, except for Mal's yawn face), I'll have time to make a cake. If you don't like that attitude, then be glad you don't have it. I'm pressing on, loving my baby and trusting that the time investment today will result in relationship soon. But that doesn't mean I have to be in drunklove with every single second. Some of it is tedious and exhausting and I'm just keeping it real, yo.