An alternate (morally superior) recipe for Justin's homemade chocolate peanut butter eggs

Okay, now, I want you to know I'm not typically curmudgeonly about most things. But today. Oh, man, today there was a straw and it broke this camel's back, baby.

First, it started with this:

A few weeks ago, Alton Brown posted a recipe for a chocolate cake made with tofu instead of milk (cleverly called "Moo-Less Chocolate Pie"). It looks delicious! I'd love to make one soon, and I have no aversion to dairy; I just like stuff like this. However, from some of the comments, you'd think he murdered a person's grandma.

"I almost ended up in the hospital because someone tried to “trick” be with black bean brownies. I have a host of odd allergies including most leagues (sic), black beans and soy included." He's so allergic to "legumes" that he can't even spell them!

A lot of the comments were like that. And I'm not trying to minimize food allergies; I get that some are fatal. But here's the deal: I do not believe for one moment that AB is out on the street surreptitiously handing out pie to unsuspecting by-passers. My guess is that he knows who he's feeding. Besides, if I had a soy allergy, I'd be SUPER careful about everything I put in my maw, because I think more stuff has soy than gluten, and when it's everywhere, you have to be very careful.

So, if AB has a dinner party, I'm almost certain that he asks if there are any allergies or aversions and honors those. If no one says they're allergic to soy, then they probably get the pie.

Oh, and if you *do* have a food allergy and I ask about it, you might need to elaborate. For instance, a few years ago, if I'd asked about this and you'd said you had a latex allergy, I would only have made sure I didn't wear gloves when preparing the meal (who knew there even *was* such a thing as cross-reactive food?!).

Then a friend posted this, and it's very funny (and perhaps offensive to you if you're humor-challenged about this kind of thing).




But today.

Today, this one got me.

Three days ago, Justin's made this post on Facebook:

Well hello, Spring! Has anyone ever succeeded in balancing an egg on the equinox? Today, I'm attempting it with this PB egg. Most delicious experiment ever. #peanutbutter #spring #equinox

Homemade Peanut Butter Eggs:

Melt 1/2 Cup Honey Peanut Butter in the microwave for 30 seconds. Whisk in 1/2 C. Powdered Sugar and stir until fully combined. Form PB mixture into egg shapes and freeze for 20 minutes. Dip PB eggs into melted dark, milk or white chocolate and refrigerate 15 minutes or until chocolate has set. Enjoy!

Well, fun, right? No. Awwww, heck, naw.

"microwave... are you kidding me...makes me wonder about your products quality that I have been buying for years. NO nuke the food!" "Oh Justins's. That "all natural" goes to shit the moment you mention a microwave."

Um... and, wow. There was another one. But it's been deleted. I think it was deleted because, well, I'm not proud of this, but I trolled a little bit. The comment said, "Can you please post a version of this recipe that does not use the microwave?" Now, some very nice/helpful person (mentally healthy) gave instructions about using a double-boiler and melting it the way you'd melt chocolate, then the original poster thanked her. I might. not. have. been very Christlike in my follow-up. I *might* have said something like, "Seriously? Then use the stove. You could leave it out on the porch if you live in the south."

Now, before we judge me too harshly (like I judged that person), realize where I'm coming from: If you've committed your life to avoiding the very microwaves that 90% of people who can afford to have a microwave oven use every day, then I expect YOU to be the expert on how to get around using it. I mean, it's not like you just stopped using the "nuker" (that's not how it works) yesterday and haven't figured out what else to do. You don't use one, right? So YOU should have the tips and tricks, man.

Regardless, that's deleted now.

And I feel bad.

Sort of.

Mostly because it was ridiculous, and if she genuinely didn't know and wanted to know, she should have left it up instead of cowering beneath my virtual glare.

But I am ready to do penance! How? By making a more friendly, natural PB egg recipe. Here it is, anonymous user who deleted your condescending question:

Homemade Peanut Butter Eggs:

Harvest 3 Tablespoons honey from your beehive. Thank the bees by doing a gratefulness dance that mimics their "here's pollen" dance, but not so closely that it tricks them because that would be mean. Process peanuts into butter either at the store or at home. Put it into a Mason jar that has already been used once and will be used again after this time. If you are male, place the mason jar just below the waist of your drawers, and if you're a lady, put it between your girls. Do this long enough that the peanut butter is soft and stirable. You might want to wear an 8 x 11.5 inch sign on your front and back that says "packing peanuts" so that people with allergies can avoid you. They might think you're referring to the environmentally devastating styrofoam, so add "like Snickers" underneath, and maybe that will help avoid a lecture. Take 1/2 cup sugar in the raw and process it in your solar-powered blender until it is powdery. Add 1 Tablespoon cream of tartar left over from your wine-making to the sugar, then whisk it in with the peanut butter and honey stir until fully combined. Form PB mixture into egg shapes and store it overnight in one of the passive cooling systems described here (which you have already built; you're really supposed to read the WHOLE recipe first, you know). While you're waiting, pick some chocolate that is Fair Trade. All kidding aside, ripping poor people off so you can get your chocolate fix isn't cool. Dip PB eggs into melted dark, milk or white chocolate and refrigerate overnight or until the chocolate has set.

Okay. So hopefully we're square now.

Do you feel better? I feel better. If you don't then watch this, and afterwards we'll ALL feel much happier. And, maybe. Maybe I might be crying. How can we be mad when there's this?