But I'm not philosophically an attachment parent!

Last week, I posted a link to this article on my Facebook timeline. What resonated with me was this: "...if you dare complain how exhausted and crappy you are feeling, you are sure to get the same old answer: “you need to do ‘sleep training.'"

She goes on to explain how you don't "learn" to sleep the same way you learn to do things like ride a bike or play a piano, but at this point I'd say that trying to make Mal "learn" how to sleep on his own would be about as productive as trying to make him learn how to ride a bike. For whatever reason, he's not developmentally ready. I get that a lot of 6-month-olds are. He's not.

This isn't my first rodeo. My daughter slept mostly through the night from about 2 months on, except for one waking feeding jag that I had to wean her of at 9 months. She did *not* like that. But I was confident that her crying and displeasure was just her being ticked off, not genuinely harmed. There is a difference, and as my kids' mom, I can tell what it is.

For reasons I don't know or understand, Mal cannot go to sleep on his own. He cannot stay asleep on his own. He is getting worse about this, not better, as he approaches genuine separation anxiety. He needs me there. He wakes up and checks, and if I'm not within reach, he is inconsolable.

"Just let him cry until he wears himself out."

He has the capacity and tenacity to cry at increasing levels of hysterics for half an hour; maybe more, but I haven't tested. Anymore, every once in a while when I can tell he's super exhausted and is even crying and fighting me when I hold him, I'll put him in his crib so he can tire himself out a bit I'd love it if he'd tire himself out to sleep, but he doesn't. And after about 15-20 minutes, I go get him. Typically, he'll nurse to sleep in about 2 minutes after that.

Why do I go get him?

After a few minutes, this is what his bed looks like. He cries, spreading snot and tears all over the bed while he flails, rolls over, backs into the corner of the bed, pinning his legs behind him. He builds anxiety by crying (some babies release it). He needs help.

So I do what works.

Mal needs a nap about 2 hours after he wakes up in the morning. He won't go to sleep on his own, but gets really fussy. Typically, my teenager is still asleep. I can let Mal fuss on his own for hours, stressing myself and Daphne, or I can wear him, he'll conk out, and I can get some stuff done.

He needs another nap around 1:00-1:30. A lot of times, this is when I choose to run errands so he'll fall asleep in the car seat and maybe stay asleep when I get home and I can get some stuff done.

He needs a third nap (again, most kids his age are down to two daytime naps; he's not "most") around 4:30, and I sit down on the couch for that one, haul my ancient laptop or a favorite book, and hunker down because he'll sometimes sleep two hours. I try to have dinner mostly put together at that point, so if James gets home, he can make a plate and eat.

Here's the deal: Do I wish Mal would fall asleep (in his crib, on the couch, or even in the middle of the kitchen floor) so I could hot-roll my hair or really decorate a cake? YES. Am I going to try to force him to do something that, as the person who is with him the most, I know with all of my heart he is not able to do yet because I'm periodically exhausted? I can't. I don't feel like it's right or ethical or kind. Does this choice of mine mean that I have relinquished the right to complain (sometimes joking, sometimes seriously) about being weary? Some people seem to think so.

We do what works. What works isn't always easy. It isn't always ideal. It doesn't always make sense to people who aren't living my life. I promise you, I have had opinions about people who sleep with their babies and won't put them down. That was before this baby. That was before this lifetime.

My son is a joy, and a pleasure, and a challenge, and all of the things most kids are. They're a lot alike, but they're so different, too. There should be grace in each family's coping with the lives, personalities, and abilities they have been given. Don't you think?