You might have noticed as of late both that I have matured physically and that I have a will. The convergence of these two milestones means that, henceforth and into perpetuity, I shall no longer bend in the middle.
Oh, do you wish to posit me in this elevated dining chair? You shan't. Is it your desire that I might slip gracefully both legs into the preordained slots of this shopping cart? Prepare to be disappointed. And this abomination of a rear-facing vehicular torture restraint system? Nay! I must adamantly refuse to be compromised at the waist and shall remain as upright and solid as several 2 x 4s tacked together with wood glue and carpenter's nails. Additionally, my emergency broadcast system will be invoked, lest the good people of this parking lot remain ignorant of your base treachery.
Now, this bath? For this I will condescend to--- HA! I fooled you! Now that I am sufficiently warmed and covered in slippery bubbles, I shall once again rise to the aforementioned heights! Never let it be said that I fell prey to your negativity, to your doubt in my ability to right myself upon these bulging legs, in the confines of this sink. If I trust you, it is only in that I know you would never allow me to injure myself on the side of this basin. This is a thing of which you are incapable.
Perhaps I have understated my trust in you. I will say that I am confident that you would never use your bulk or superior understanding of physics or more practiced gross motor skills to bully me into a 90-degree angle against my... WHAT IS THIS THING! I expressly said I SHAN'T and-- Oh, this? Oh, this isn't too bad. Never mind then. Carry on.
Warmest regards,
Mal
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