So, I'm sitting here on the couch, typing over him. And I've thought a lot in the past few days, which I'll basically barf all over this post, in no particular order.
Sometimes, when I slow down, like I'm sitting in Mal's floor and he is doing something alone for a moment, and I can just think... I realize that I'm very, VERY tired. So, mostly, I keep moving.
Because I forget things, I've been reading through my blog from when D was Mal's age. She didn't get her first tooth until she was about the age he is now; he already has 2. She "got" waving at around 9 months, and I had totally forgotten that she didn't really nap more than 30 minutes at a time until she was about 8 or 9 months old, either. So there's hope, maybe, for this chronic case of non-sleeping! He sleeps more than half an hour, but only if I'mrighttheretouchinghim.
I had to stop reading, once I got a bit past D's first birthday, because I found myself settling into a funk. Stuff was super stressful and hard back then, and I kind of started wallowing in that as though it were my reality now, too. One of the things that keeps repeating in my brain is that I'd quoted someone as saying, about reading my blog at the time, "I can feel my brain cells dying, reading about Daphne picking her nose." At the same time, when I go back and read it, I find I'm only interested in the daily record of stuff we did. I don't really want to read about my thoughts on homeschooling or biblical doctrine or the dreams I had. I want to know what we were doing, where we were going, the funny stories about Mackenzie trying to climb into the bathtub with Hannah, or Daphne... well, picking her nose.
I don't write like that anymore. I usually only write when I think I have something to write about. Back then, I tried to capture every day, even in its monotony. If I were doing that, this would be my narrative of this day:
"Mal woke up early and in a good mood. His eyelid wasn't as swollen as I had expected, and it wasn't bruised. It was just scraped and puffy. He seemed no worse for the wear. I got him up, dressed, we hung out a while, and then I put him in the bike seat so we could check out the UT Tower playing 'Texas, Our Texas' live and in person!
"We got to the spot about 15 minutes early, so sat in the grass and enjoyed the cool, moist morning. Mal, of course, ate some leaves and grass (even though I'd brought him puffs), and a very cute long-haired blonde girl came over and told me, 'Your baby is very cute!' Well, of course.
"I was ready at 8, but thought the clock would chime first. It doesn't; it just heads into the song. So I missed the first couple of notes, but want to go back later, anyway, when the day isn't so overcast. It was neat to stand there and hear it, right between the tower and the Capitol.
"After that, we came back home, had breakfast, and Mal took his morning nap.
"I was super excited, because Daphne and I had a date to go to the mall for free stuff. When she got up, we headed over to Barton Square Mall and hit the Godiva booth first. They had their Easter candy on sale 40% off, so I got a bag of egg truffles, and Daphne selected our loyalty club free chocolate, a strawberry truffle.
"Next, we went up to Great American Cookie to use some coupons from a book we'd bought to support a friend's kid's school. We each got a free cookie, then headed to the second GAC to use a second set of coupons.
"On the way, we stopped to look at Hot Topic, and I saw a shirt that would be perfect for my sister: 'I would have picked Ducky,' with a picture of the Duck Man.
"At the second GAC, the cashier turned and asked an older lady, 'Do we take these?' The older lady asked where I got the book. I explained it, and she said it was only for the city where it was sold. I informed her that I was told differently, and she said, 'Well, it depends. We're franchisees, so we can choose to do it or not.' In other words, you're not. But she condescended to take my coupon 'just this once.' 'What about my daughter?' She said, 'I'm really only supposed to take one coupon per person.' Um, yeah. She's a separate person. Look at her, all walking around independent of me and whatnot.
"What was weird is that when we walked away, I'm pretty sure I saw tears in D's eyes. Dude, we got cookies. We won.
"But on the way home, Mal started babbling (this was after he was crying when I first locked him in the carseat) and Daphne turned the music up on the radio. I just started crying. I told her I liked hearing his happy noises, and talked to her a little bit about how sort of difficult our outing had been... like she had only gone because she felt she had to (she kind of did) and how I wish we could have fun together. I realize she's probably exactly like I was at this age. My mom used to come home and tell us, 'I am respected and appreciated at work, then I come home and you treat me like stupid garbage.' I would roll my eyes (internally), but now I *so* get it. I miss my girl a lot. I want to enjoy the young woman I have, but she seems bound and determined to have as little of that as is humanly possible. And it hurts.
"It's difficult to balance my reasonable expectations as a parent, respecting her need to be herself against my fleshly feelings and need for affirmation. Blergh.
"When we got home, Mal finished the nap he'd started in the car, and I ordered pizza for a job. We ate while James finished up a job test thing he'd been working on all morning, then Mal and I went outside to sit on a blanket in the shade and figure out his new car seat. As much as I'll miss his sleeping in the old one, I keep jamming his over-hanging feet into stuff, and every time I put him in or get him out, it loosens the belt because he is SO heavy that it's difficult to lift the carrier straight up and I end up pulling it sideways instead.
"James had finished up his test by this time and came out to hang for a while, then he kept Mal company while I put the car seat in the car. It's nice! He's going to be riding in style."
So... see? I believe "blog" is short for "weblog," right? That's what I used to do. Logs. Captain's logs. Star date: every few days from the early 2000s. Sorry if you lost any brain cells to that; someday, I might be happy that I recorded it!
I'm pretty sure Deuteronomy 11:19 implies co-sleeping. It doesn't say, "When you put them to bed," does it? So maybe I am the one growing my kid God's way, Ezzos. Think on that.*
James wants to film a movie trailer for a movie "along the lines of all of the game movies that never should have been made" (think: Battleship, Mario Brothers, etc.): 2048. In his version, it is people maybe dressed in squares hooking up or trying to find each other, etc. In my version, it's like a Liam Neeson vehicle where someone appears to have been kidnapped, but they're really just walking in from the car REALLY SLOWLY because they're playing 2048.
Ooh! Wakey baby. Salad time! Oh, here's a pic.
 |
| SWING! |
*No shade to people who don't co-sleep. Believe me, I wouldn't if we had any other option that included parental sleep, but we don't. This is part joke, part satire, part justification for my reality.
Ducky was the obvious choice.
ReplyDelete