Some things to think about from the Texas Unschoolers Conference 2015...

This is just some random stuff that's been knocking around in my brain all weekend. I don't have answers or maybe even anything remotely interesting, but just things over which I have been ruminating.

Kids
They don't have a homogeneous appearance. A friend posted this to my Facebook timeline last week:

When my mom saw it, at first glance she thought it was a picture of my friends and me. Looking at it on my phone, it could have been. Although the girls are individuals with slightly different takes on the look, it is still very certainly one specific look. And there is the same sort of similarities in todays' girls (boys just kind of look classically boyish most of the time... except for mullets). They might have variations on a theme, but there is a conventional norm that is overall the aim. Not here.

The girls here, you'd be hard-pressed to lump together in regards to inspirations for their style of dress, hair, or deportment. Flock of Seagulls? Blue? Pink-to-blonde? Afro? Shaved except on top? Long? Straight? Ponytail? Trucker hat? Big floppy sun hat? Sweat jacket even though it's 80? T-shirt? Sci-fi captain-inspired outfit? Same thing the entire 4 days? It all goes, and they all hang out together. It's like when no one tells a kid what is "normal" appearance-wise, they have the freedom to pick. Maybe it flatters them, maybe it doesn't. No one tells them they have to change, and they're comfortable and happy. 

I was telling James about this and thought of two things: First, the recent story about the girl had to fight for permission to wear a tuxedo to her school prom... and, honestly, this shouldn't have had to be championed by a lesbian rights group, because straight girls might want to wear a tux to their prom, too, and what's the big deal? I can't even believe that this is a thing. But secondly, I remembered a girl who once rented an old-time Southern belle dress from a costume shop instead of getting a modern dress when she went to her senior prom. Was it the best look for me? Um, I mean "her"? Not according to her stylish friend, who after the fact advised her what the styling should have been (if only I'd known him in high school! She. Him. Someone else entirely). However, that person was excited about the idea, and comfortable, and happy. I'm not sure how I escaped the vortex of "normal," but I did. And in that case, I was totally un-self-conscious.

Anyway, it's satisfying to know that these kids get to be themselves without having to fit that expression into the confines of what is considered "not distracting to the educational process" or tantamount to social suicide or labeling.

Dads
There are a lot of dads here! Dads in the seminars, dads watching kids so the moms can go to seminars, dads baby-wearing, dads up to their eyeballs in the process. When we were having dinner with Dr. Gray on Thursday (yes, I'm going to milk that for all its worth), he was talking about how it's often the fathers who push back against unschooling, and how he's always wondered why. After exploring options such as personality, ideas about formal education leading to better jobs, etc. he said he thinks the actual explanation is the most boring: That moms make the educational decisions about their kids, and that dads are left either to agree or oppose. The dads here aren't passive. They're present. I love it!

Discipline vs. Coercion 
This is one of the big ones. I have to think on this one a lot. Unschooling is practiced on many levels, but at its core is the idea that kids have passions to follow, that frog-marching them through extraneous curricula is disservice to them, and that they will learn what they need to know.

For a lot of families, that carries over into their parenting. I've read from and heard about parents who think if you tell your child "no" about anything, you're not technically "unschooling," but I think that is actual "unparenting," and it's not what most of us are about.

However, in talking to another mom about attachment parenting, she said something that sort of bridged a gap for me in regards to how unschoolers make the leap to less (or no) demanding parenting: I had mentioned that I'm not philosophically an attachment parent but had become one in practice, due to Mal's sensitivity. She said, "Well, at its heart, attachment parenting is about responding to a child's needs, and that's what you're doing. It's considering the child a full person from day one, and it sounds like you've got it."

That sounds so simple.

And maybe it is.

Bridging the gap between infant care to parenting a toddler and child, and then pulling in another bridge from the educational philosophy of "they have what they need and it will work," I've started really considering the difference between disciplining a child and coercing or attempting to control them.

In the past few months with Mal, I've felt very ashamed and regretful about the ways I tried to control Daphne when she was a baby ("It's too early for her to be waking up!" and angry about it), and then when she was a little kid ("Sit here and do this!" while she cried, but I was determined to win a battle of wills, even if the actual thing wasn't important).

I've rolled my eyes when I've read things about not "making" kids say "thank you" or "please" but just modeling it for them and trusting that they will pick it up. Things like that. But then a couple of things have happened:

1) I see my 13-year-old, who very dutifully said "thank you" and "please" and was quite pleasant and often compliant as a child (though not always), and who never swore, though she knew of swear words, etc. now testing the limits, as teenagers are wont to do. Eventually, and for the rest of her life, she's going to have to choose whether to be socially engaging or not, inoffensive or not, and all of the etc.s again, so where did that "training" get us? She has learned to express gratitude in her own way, and my forcing her to say a cursory "thanks" really didn't do anything for that. I could have done the same thing by thanking people myself, and talking to her about how kind they were to be so generous. Then her expression of thanks would have been genuine instead of mandatory.

2) I read something that appealed to the "black/white"-I-get-how-kids-think part of my brain: Forcing a kid to say something to receive something or stay out of trouble is, in practice, teaching them to lie to get what they want. "I'm not sorry, but if I don't say that I am, then I will get grounded."

When I worked at Boys Town, I was continually frustrated by the process of behavior modification. I saw them playing the system. They would act compliant to build up points to get things they wanted, but they weren't internalizing the discipline. They were still sneaking out, acting out, running away. I talked about it to our house coach guy, and he said, in essence, that it was the program for all of this time because it worked... that if the kids acted a certain way long enough, they'd become the person their behavior indicated. I'm not sure I believe this. I think it has to be the other way around. That whole "overflow of the heart" thing the Bible talks about.

What is the point of all of this? At present, it has more to do with Daphne than Mal, but I need to think it through for him, too. We don't have any "screen time" limits with Daphne but have thought about it because of how late she stays up and how late she sleeps. Also, I have signed her up for things she might be marginally interested in, but wouldn't choose to go if I weren't forcing her. And I'm really thinking about my motives and am reconsidering a lot.

I need to think about it for a while. Like I said, I don't have any answers. I was listening to "Focus on the Family" recently when a guest said that he thinks one of the biggest mistakes parents make is trying to have "a great kid," when we actually need to parent toward "a great adult."

Thinking... thinking...

This group and The Church
Oh, man, unschoolers are an eclectic group. But you know what? So far, everyone with whom I've talked, even if they've had a different idea about something than mine, has been lovely. If they disagree, they'll often first affirm me and then reframe what I just said toward their thinking, without making me feel like I'm doing it wrong. There are families with two parents, single moms and dads, at least one lesbian couple, every color of the pigmentation rainbow, different socio-economic levels, varying ages, etc. And everyone is getting along and I think has genuine affection for and interest in each other. This is how The Church should be! I've experienced it before, where it feels like "home" from the beginning, but not always, and not even a majority of the time. It's a wake up call to me to create that vibe myself.