I don't want to live by FOMO

This morning, I read an article on The Verge entitled, "I tried leaving Faceook. I couldn't."

In it, the author talks about one year she was off Facebook because of a terms of use violation, but how otherwise, in 12 years, she's been on in spite of not liking it. Besides the "groups" function, which really annoys me, too, because there are plenty of useful groups and FB used to have a Groups app you could access without the rest of the site, her basic reason boils down to Fear of Missing Out (or FOMO).

"I missed big personal news from people I knew. I missed dance parties and house parties and casual get-togethers. I was the last to find out about births and the last to see baby pictures. Classmates got engaged and married and I didn’t find out until after my hiatus."

I get it. I used to have over 200 views on my boring daily blog posts. Now that I'm off of Facebook (and therefore don't share the link), I get 30 on a good day. But I don't need readers enough to justify staying on a social platform that no longer serves me.

Because here's the truth: Any person who read (and presumably enjoyed, if they kept coming back; perhaps it was morbid curiosity) could find me and even sign up for notifications when I publish an entry. They were clicking through out of convenience.

That's a point the author above makes: Facebook does the "emotional labor" of maintaining contact with people so we don't have to. Thing is, that's only sort of true. It casts such a wide net that it feels like connection, even when it's not.

If I don't get invited to a friend's (or friend's kid's) birthday party because I'm not on Facebook... How good of friends are we, actually? If I want a friend or one of Mal's friends to come over, I'll contact them personally. Same with birthdays or meet-ups.

I don't really want to be "convenience" friends. I'd rather have one or two people who miss me so that after a while will reach out and suggest we get together sometime. If I miss that someone got married, then that will be something cool to talk about when we see each other. They can tell me a story well-worn to most people, but it will all be new and exciting to me!

Some people have asked me why I got off of Facebook whenever I did it. I don't have a pat answer. It wasn't the data stuff. It wasn't the polarization. It wasn't the time suck. It wasn't one thing. At some point, I just decided that it wasn't serving me, and I cut ties.

One thing that was a definite emotional drain on me was confrontations over misunderstood articulations of opinions, misunderstandings that would be much more easily avoided in a face-to-face conversation. I'd spend time offline mentally constructing replies that were gracious but absolved me of unflattering or ill-fitting opinions that had been assigned to me.

So many of my conversations in person were starting with, "Somebody posted..." I was being exposed to information not of my choosing, and it was taking up mental bandwidth that is already at a premium, what with maintaining a house with a teenager and a preschooler.

There might be downsides to leaving the largest social media platform on the planet, but I haven't felt any of them strongly enough to consider jumping back in.

Everybody have a great week! (All 18 of you!)

Why I broke up with Facebook

It's been about three weeks since I decided to take a mental health break from Facebook.

What lead up to it was... well, several things.

First, I was just grumpy in general. I'd find myself thinking, "That should be a private message, not a status update." Or other judgy stuff like that.

Second, this is a politically charged time, with the upcoming election and the months of caucasus and primaries, and people are super opinionated. Those opinions often come forth with (often unfair and one-dimensional) characterizations of people who hold differing opinions. It's so much heat and rhetoric and anger that I was already being exhausted by it. And, truthfully, my own fears about how the election season would play out were being fed into by stuff that was posted.

Third, the Orlando shooting seemed to bring out a LOT of anger. And I get it. There's plenty about which to be angry. I just wanted to be very sad and grieve, though. Instead, I saw rage spew from across my very wide spectrum of friends, both personally and from news or opinion items posted: Anti-Muslim sentiment; gun control advocates holding this up as an example that assault weapons should be banned (honestly, I'm kind of with them on this one); gun rights activists (I have a CHL and am certainly not anti-gun-ownership) calling out all of the same old arguments about saving unarmed people's asses and how criminals don't obey laws; people wondering why we're upset about gays dying but not veterans; LGBT allies saying that James Dobson is just the same as the murderer because of his "hate speech" (I do not agree with his take on homosexuality, but know enough about Dobson to know he probably doesn't hate anyone except child molesters, and thinking or even saying someone's sexual activity is wrong isn't tantamount to gunning down a bunch of gay people); and people posting articles showing Tweets and posts by allegedly Christian people saying that at least gunmen were killing "perverts" now instead of innocent people (fortunately, literally no one I know appears to think that). It was all just ugliness. I wanted to grieve and mourn for those people who lost their lives. Maybe, in a big picture way, it's important that we know why the gunman did what he did. But I guess I didn't care enough to want the whole thing regurgitated and discussed and angrily opined on for weeks upon weeks.

Fourth and final, after that sweet baby was in that awful accident at Disney and people were posting not just opinions about the parents' and the resort's blame, but a freaking joke meme... I lost it. I couldn't. I just had to stop because I could feel the poison in my blood.

You know what? I haven't missed it. I actually haven't. I have been called "The Facebook Queen" and have used and loved Facebook for over nine years. I guess I'm kind of over it. I'm over having every news story (we don't have a TV and I usually don't know what's going on) broken down and used to further someone's world view or to put down a group of people or to see my sweet friends calling other of my sweet friends (directly or indirectly) ignorant, hateful, or anything else.

I also have spent a lot of time over the years imagining how events in my life will play out over Facebook, or how they will be taken, or what the best way is to present and frame something. It's dumb. For me. I don't need to do that.

I also don't need to create "the illusion of intimacy" (Mr. Robot) that I had. I had a really neat core group of friends who interacted with me on Facebook, but we don't actually interact in daily life, and although that's still something, I am seeing more and more that I need people. Like I need someone I can call when I'm just stressed out of my mind, and outside of my family, I don't have that. So maybe I need to be more out and in the world and purposefully incubating face-to-face friendships.

That's the other thing: If I know you and I care about you, I want to hear YOUR take on things. Not the take of someone who thinks a lot like you but writes with a sharpened pen. Because people's posting "This" and a link has come to exhaust me. I've done it! I really have read and read and found something that resonates with me and shared it. But I see that this doesn't usually change anyone else's thinking, only garnering accolades from people who already agreed with me.

This reminds me of an article a friend posted recently called "The 'Other Side' Is Not Dumb." I highly recommend that you read it. Read it and maybe think of it before you click "share" on the next article or web comic or political meme and ask yourself why you're sharing. Try to understand other people's opinions and respect that someone who disagrees with you might not hate our country or your God or any of those things that are often bandied about in online arguments.

I'm still on social media. I'm on Instagram because I do love seeing pictures of people's kids and meals and vacations and their visual perspective on things. I also unfollowed one of my favorites this week, The Libertarian Homeschooler, because although she's typically political in many of her posts, I bristled against the bombarding of reactions from a certain news item and started getting that hot feeling at the back of my neck again. I don't want to do that. Not anymore.

I'm on Snapchat because it's frivolous and ridiculous and just stupid fun.

But now I'm on something else. I'm on a path to try to do the thing that has exhausted me for years, but which I need and have needed for some time: I'm going to find a place and build a tribe and we're going to actually live life together. I don't know what that looks like, or who will be involved, or how I'll get there. But I'm working on that.

I still want to hear from people, I do. But if you're like me and you say, as I have for years, "Well, I post stuff on Facebook, so if you're not on there..." then I guess that just means it's not worth it to you to keep in touch with me. And that's fine. This way, I know. And if we ever run into each other in the world, we will have a lot to catch up on, because I won't have any idea what's going on in your life. It'll be fun.

This is What the Internet is All About...

Avenue Q's assertion aside, I am confident that this story represents one of the greatest uses of the internet, in terms of global shrinkage and the community of mankind and all of that hippie stuff.

A few weeks ago, I tried my first Cadbury Mini Eggs of the year, and of this new era of American chocolate replacing the genuine Cadbury Dairy Milk. Well, eww. They were subpar and disappointing. They had some white chocolate ones, and those were all right. But neither was anywhere near as good as last year's eggs (I should have stocked up!) and the regular chocolate ones... might as well have been big old M&Ms. Disappointing.

I took to social media to complain about this, because, you know, it's the 21st Century and that's what we do. Actually, for years now, I've told people that if they want something, just to put it out there on Facebook and the things have a way of happening.

To that end, I posted in a group of breastfeeding mamas of kids who are a year + since there seem to be a lot of Brits in the group. From their side, I heard that, sadly, Cadbury has changed the recipe of the mini eggs in Great Britain as well, and that now they blow equally badly.

It's funny: I've posted several things to that group, including videos of Mal feeding and doing various things, but that's the most response I've received to any post so far. More than a hundred people commented. Several offered to get me the eggs if I wanted to compare, and while that was sweet, I didn't feel like paying shipping for something that was that widely panned.

One woman, however, messaged me that she was, at that moment, eating Cadbury Snow Bites, which she described as similar to Mini Eggs, if you suck the powder off of them. She offered to send me some. Obviously, I found some on Amazon, so I told her if she could get them to me for less than $8 a bag, I'd take them!

She messaged me later and said that she got two and shipping was 7 pounds, which is roughly $10, so it saved me $6. Woo hoo!

Well, yesterday I got the package. First of all, shipping was 7.7 pounds, so she was just being nice. Then I realized she'd been *very* nice.

I was so happy to see the goodies; it was totally worth getting stung in the butt by a wasp on the walk down to the mailbox! So, there are two caramel Cadbury "eggs" (in name only; they're truffles). There's a "twisted" creme "egg," which is a truffle that looks like it's been twisted. The Eclair was a lot like a soft Werther's filled with runny caramel. The Fudge was a fudge-filled chocolate, and then the Whip was light chocolate. The Dairy Milk was just that delicious chocolate.

What about the Snow Bites?

They're round, but roughly the same circumference as the thickest part of a Mini Egg.

There is a light dusting of sugar and cornstarch, kind of similar to what's on a marshmallow.

The sugar shell isn't as thick as on the Mini Eggs, but, goodness, see that pretty Dairy Milk chocolate inside? Yayyy!

So, thanks to the internet, a lady on the other side of the world with nothing in common with me other than the fact that we both have toddler nurslings ran out to the store, bought candy, and sent it off in the mail, just because we were connected by a group on Facebook.

This is the internet at its finest!

Candy Crush Saga, an experiment

A few weeks ago, for the first time, I opened up Candy Crush Saga on Facebook, just to see what the deal was. I was careful to check the "only me" box that would guarantee that no one would see my progress in their (or my) feed, and, of course, I always blow past the "Invite Your Friends" box that keeps coming up.

The game is basically Bejeweled, except that you can only play five unsuccessful games when your log is "full." Otherwise, you have to wait 30 minutes to get one more game, or you can send games (or "lives") to friends and have them send lives back to you.

I'm finished now, and have some thoughts on the whole thing.

First of all, after playing for a bit, I realized something about me that I think is true in my life at large: I didn't care much how many "stars" I earned in a game. I just wanted to complete the level and move the heck on. You can earn between one and three stars per level, depending on how many points are scored. So, for me, I just want to complete the level. I don't care that 18 of my friends did better than I did.

If I'm passionate about something, I will excel at it. I'm apparently not passionate about Candy Crush Saga. I just wanted to best the level and go on to the next.

Secondly, I don't like bothering people. I'd send lives and moves and requests to people I knew played often, but I'd never have sent anything to someone who hadn't already interacted with me or with Candy Crush Saga within the past two weeks.

I certainly didn't want to brag on anyone's wall, especially when I passed a friend who is deceased.

Third, although the game gets "harder," you don't have necessarily to get better. About 85% of the game is your luck in the way that the candy pieces fall when others are removed. Once you get through the first couple of episodes or whatever the groups of levels are called, you rely on the combination of candies you get a lot more than your skill level.

In fact, that's why I stopped playing.

Level 86

Don't worry about what this means, if you're not familiar. With 35 moves, there is no way to clear this board without at least two of whatever the brown bombs with sprinkles are, ideally three of them. With so few candy pieces in place, lining up 5 of any kind is extremely rare. When you get down to about 15 moves and haven't broken any of the pieces you have to break twice (after clearing the licorice, so really three times), you *know* you aren't going to make it, and the rest of the round isn't fun or challenging; it's just moving stuff around until you can clear the screen for a new run at it.

One of my "things" was that I would not spend money on a Facebook game. Without buying more moves, or advantages, this level just took too long for them to decide to reward me with enough of the same-color combinations to be able to advance, so I stopped.

I did it on four or five other levels... Where I'd know it was impossible, given the number of moves, to make any progress clearing only three blocks at a time. But I could tell from playing a time or two that it was likely that, in fairly short order, the right combinations could happen. This one just wouldn't budge, and I don't need something frustrating to do over and over again on the computer as long as there's a thing called housework.

I think I got the highest score on a couple of levels at least, but the scores are also something that is seriously random, again based on what pieces the computer decides to throw at you. Often, I'd play and clear the board, but have a few moves left, and it just keeps playing things out, throwing your score higher and higher... And I had nothing to do with that.

In the final analysis, I am going to sign up for Luminosity, I think. If I want to play games, I'd like for them to have some purpose. Candy Crush Saga is okay for killing time when I'm on the phone, or just to blow off a little mental steam between thinking about ugly maths and stuff... But in the end, it wasn't ever really fun, except for a couple of levels that had a lot of movement due to wormholes. It was just something to conquer to move on to the next level to conquer to move on to the next level.

But that's just me. Nearly 47 million Facebook users can't be wrong.

Facebook... Fast? More Like a Purge

The week before last, something descended upon me on Friday afternoon. It had been several weeks in coming, and I can pinpoint when it started snowballing the fastest. By the end of the day Friday, it felt like I was ingesting poison. On purpose. And it was all coming off of my Facebook feed. It hit me: "What are you doing to yourself?" and... I inactivated my account.

It was only for three days, but during that time, I cooled off. I figured out how to reset my feed so that I don't see very much when I do log in, which is increasingly rare.

First of all, I want to say that I get that my own Facebook wall can be inconsistent: funny, horrifying, offensive, encouraging, gleeful, and depressing. That's kind of... well, me. And if that doesn't work for you, then you should block me, because I don't want anyone having the kind of soul-crushing anger that was darkening everything for me.

For my own sanity, might I offer some suggestions that one might want to consider before posting things on Facebook, or before transmitting any thoughts or information in a wide-ranging manner? Please?

1) Before you forward that inflammatory (or not) story, infographic, or link, make sure it's true. Barack Obama did not tell a bunch of students not to celebrate July 4. Bill O'Reilly did not criticize Obama's nostril-flares as racist. That was not a contemporary picture of Trayvon Martin; it was a rapper (besides, however you feel about that whole thing, the fact that someone is covered with tattoos, smokes pot, and has bought a gun does not necessarily mean he "deserved" to die at the time and place that he was shot... if you want to make an argument, argue facts of the situation, not circumstantial information).

A guideline here is that if what you're about to post doesn't have a date, or an exact location, or some specific names and is therefore impossible to verify, maybe don't share it. Also, if the only place you can find the story is on either conservative or liberal websites, it's probably not reliable. Especially not if the wording is the exact same everywhere you see it, so that it's obvious someone cut and pasted it the second they saw it and did no research at all.

Also, if your infographic has misspellings and grammar problems, how do you expect the rest of us to take it seriously?

2) If you find out that something you posted was in error, acknowledge the mistake, take it down, and apologize for the error. Seriously, folks, we're all grown-ups here. We all make mistakes. Admitting to those things is a huge step in, you know, being a decent human being. Just saying, "Oh, I found out this was not what I thought it was, but the idea is the same, so I'm leaving it up" shows the absolute worse kind of arrogance and willful ignorance. Besides, if you can't support your point of view with anything that falls within the realm of reality, you might want to reconsider your point of view. Or at least be gracious enough to allow others to have a different one without-- wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

3) Not everyone who believes differently than you do hates you and wants to destroy your way of life. It's entirely possible that you have a dear friend who loves you completely and who is very glad that you are on this planet, but who disagrees with you on a very important (to one or both of you) topic. Rarely are things this cut-and-dried. This goes part-and-parcel with its extension:

4) Not everyone who disagrees with you does so because they are ignorant or evil. Granted, there are some people who have baseless opinions... But to automatically ascribe cultural or parental brainwashing, lack of real-world experience, lack of humanity, nefarious intent, or just outright stupidity to the viewpoint of anyone who disagrees with the opinion you have reached shows a lack of confidence in your own conclusion. If you have a valid reason that you believe what you believe, what threat to you is it that someone else reached a different conclusion? I assume that most people who believe unlike myself have come to their world views based on their experiences, research, and careful thought, just the way that I have. 

If I believe in absolute truth, then there are some viewpoints that cannot coexist. But I'd never walk into one of those serious discussions leading with the condescending thought that "They just don't know any better" or, worse, "They are the antithesis of all that is good in the world." This does not help build bridges, even if you never say it out loud. Harboring this attitude comes through in your manner and it absolutely closes doors.

If you're not a Christian, you can skip to the final paragraph now. I'll put a bunch of stars so you'll know where to start. If you're a Christian, please read on because, seriously, you guys, we can do a lot better. We have to do a lot better.

5) The government of the United States of America is not a Christian institution, and it never has been. Before you try to argue with me, I have studied the Christian roots of the foundation and establishment of our country. I understand that many of the first settlers here came to pursue religious freedom. I get that many of the founding fathers were believers. I also understand that law in general owes a lot to the law of Moses.

I, as a Christian, believe that living life guided by the teachings of the Scripture is superior to any other set of guidelines to which one might ascribe. This is due to my firm belief that the author of life itself knows how we're best set up to operate, and that when I try to figure it out on my own, I make a mess out of things. This is a very personal decision, however. It is not our government's place to force anyone into living according to my Scriptures. Remember that whole "religious freedom" thing? Unless we're hypocrites, that applies to all religions (to the point of its not infringing upon others' rights, like underage/unwilling marriages, human sacrifice, animal cruelty, abuse under the guise of "spiritual leadership," etc.).

For a Christian, the place to have external encouragement to live by Jesus' teachings should be the church, not the government. Trust me, you don't want the government enforcing any religion, even yours. You probably don't agree on every point of your faith with your family members; what are the odds that a behemoth like the government is going to enforce the Scriptures in a way that is appropriate for you?

Regardless, appealing to the historical faith of our Founding Fathers does not mean that our country itself is supposed to be specifically Christian. This is not a theocracy. We are not Israel. We are not even Israel, Jr. God did not call the United States out to himself the way he called and covenanted with Abraham. That is not what's happening here. We say that the Lord has blessed America, but I think that the Lord has blessed us as individuals, and that as individuals, we should be active in our government and in our communities, but not in a bloc.

6) Where are you getting this "stand up for our rights" mentality? I don't understand it. We're all up at arms because "our" rights are being stomped on every day? Who told you to do that? Do you think it honors God to be pissed that the Target greeter doesn't specifically use the word "Christmas"? And to spread the animosity with a snarky post? How does that fall into line with peace-making? Do you think that showing up with signs or shirts with slogans of solidarity ever results in the actual life-change of the Gospel, which we have been assigned to carry forth?

Christianity is not a privileged class, rich with rights to be protected. It is voluntary slavery to the Lord, and to my fellow man, whom I am to love only second to my love for God. It is taking up one's cross every day. It is actually allowing my supposed rights to be violated if it would win one for Christ. It means praying for and loving and serving all, especially those I would tend not to like.

Every positive example we have in the New Testament of what it is to be a Christian is someone who loved others, served God, and endured poor treatment with dignity. No Biblical martyr died with the words, "This is an injustice!" on their lips. It was always a pointing to God. Jesus did not encourage the zealots who would overthrow Rome. He was too busy being focused on loving people the way that God loved them, and telling them as much about his Father as he could while he was alive.

Jesus also begged forgiveness for those who saw to his death. Could any one of us do that? How about show up with water to hand out at a flamboyant gay pride demonstration? Or volunteering to tutor a prison inmate? Or praying for that guy at work who asked your HR supervisor to tell you to take down your religious Easter decorations? Maybe inviting him out to coffee, just to hang out for a while?

We are supposed to love our "enemies" and pray for those who persecute us. If we spend more time with these people, loving them and praying for them, I think it will be impossible to hate them. I think we will learn that they aren't actually our enemies. No person is ever the enemy.

7) Salt and light are both pretty quiet. Yes, we are called to be in the culture, preserving and enhancing it. Do you know how salt works? By getting into food and being salt. It doesn't stay in the spoon and yell at food to be saltier. It does its thing, and what needs to happen happens. But it has to be in there.

Same kind of thing with light. Light always overpowers darkness. You shine a flashlight into a darkened room, and the beam penetrates the darkness. Darkness doesn't have that power (unless it's created by a black hole, which the Bible mentions not so much). Light wins. So if a light is working, it will change the face of the landscape. It doesn't need to make petulant pleas for everything to stop being so stinking dark.

I get it: there is a place for accountability and encouragement toward morality. Might I suggest that that place is in church, in the context of a community of believers, and in interpersonal relationships? Might I suggest that that place is *not* your Facebook wall? You're not responsible for the public-at-large's ethical and moral behavior. If you ever want to be able to have a rational, heart-felt conversation with anyone who feels differently than you do about a given moral issue, I recommend not posting anything that might alienate that person. Which leads us to...

8) In a battle between your First Amendment rights and adhering to the Scriptures, God's Word always wins. You might be tempted to say, "Well, *that side* gets their say; I should get mine, too." Really? You want to match rights with someone whose exercise of that same right irritates you? Let's try this on for size: "I have made myself a slave to all, that I might win the more. And to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the Law, as under the Law, though not being myself under the Law, that I might win those who are under the Law; to those who are without law, as without law, though not being without the law of God but under the law of Christ, that I might win those who are without law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak; I have become all things to all men, that I may by all means save some. And I do all things for the sake of the gospel, that I may become a fellow partaker of it."

Paul wasn't talking about being manipulative. He just meant that he was able to chill out and fit in and not offend people. The Gospel can be offensive enough. We don't need to make it worse."If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

There are some things that are definitely worth fighting for. But real change doesn't happen from your posting vitriolic and argumentative things on your Facebook wall. If you believe in something, *do* something; bullhorns rarely change minds, and your Facebook feed is a digital bullhorn.

9) Do not call the President "stupid." I'm not picking on any one political leaning here; I've heard this word hurled at almost every President we've had since I was aware of what the office is. Never mind the fact that, agree with the guy (and maybe lady, in the future) or not, I personally believe that a person has to possess certain baseline of cleverness or keenness or intelligence to get that far in the political world.

Again, you're free to express opinions against the policies a President supports, or even personal views that he (or she) holds. I think it helps your case in a big way if you can avoid emotional histrionics and name-calling and stick with facts, reason, logic, and research. This holds true for anyone, regardless of faith.

However, for a Christian, calling someone "stupid" like this is especially egregious. "[A]nyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell." Okay, so you say, "This is talking about other disciples, and I don't buy that *fill in the blank* is a Christian." Then there's this: "Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment." There is a place for civil disobedience, for being opposed to policy, etc. But there is no excuse to disrespect our President. I see this most often happening by my elders, and it embarrasses me.

There are a lot of youngsters on Facebook, and their seeing people who should be able to conduct themselves as adults condescending to "poopyhead" is permission for them to be disrespectful. There's no excuse to be disrespectful in behavior toward anyone else, even if we privately do not respect them. Our behavior is our choice, and I don't believe that we, as Christians, have any excuse to stoop to ugliness.

10) The devil is not responsible for every less-than-ideal thing that happens. Sometimes, a storm is just a storm, a traffic jam is just a traffic jam, and frustration is just a part of every day life. Satan is not attacking you all of the time. He is not omnipresent. He is not omnipotent. You might just be having a random bad day. It happens. Besides, what you call "bad" might be good; you don't see the big picture. Please stop ascribing more power to the devil than he has.

******************************

Facebook should be fun. It's fun for me; I love posting weird and funny things. I adore keeping up with my friends. I love to see your summer vacations, your favorite recipes, thought-provoking articles you've read, what's going on with your kids, things that break your heart. I love all of that.
What I can not tolerate are lies, ugliness, lazy arguments, bigotry, sweeping assumptions, and the like.
I am responsible for my own reactions, for my own responses. And what I've learned in the past few weeks is that I am apparently not mature enough yet always to let these things slide off of me. Maybe I expect better from my friends. Maybe I see something in these posts that reminds me of myself and that I find unbearably repulsive. Whatever it is, until I can manage my response more maturely, I'm having to block a lot of stuff from my feed.
Please, if I post things that cause this kind of recoiling in you, let me know. Hold me accountable! I don't shy away from controversy, but I would hope that anything I would share might be controversial in nature, but respectfully presented. And if not, it needs to come down.