The Second Round

Last week, I'd started on a blog post about my feelings regarding the outcome of the most recent US elections. I got most of the way through and ran out of steam, plus I wrote a bunch about it on our family Slack and that blew up. Lots of hurt feelings, lots of not really seeing each other, lots of stuff that we might never fully work through but we're family and we love each other anyway. But it's still an open wound.

Wednesday morning, James's first words to me were, "What do we do now?" If I need to explain to you why we're dumbfounded and upset, then you don't really know my family and there's too much to catch you up on here. Regardless, I had a clear-ish vision: "We take care of our kids. We do what's best for our family." As we spoke, I realized that James was in a tailspin and I was perhaps not as gracious as I could have been. I was in active survival mode and James needed a few days to process and gain his bearings. I know that my inability to suffer prolonged bouts of vulnerability in others is one of my character flaws. I've been thinking on that as I've looked at rentals in Minneapolis and priced snow pants, crampons for all, and winter tires.

The past few weeks, I've been listening to various episodes of a podcast my sister mentioned to me: The Bodies Behind the Bus. The most recent episode I listened to resonated do deeply with me. The guest was Eric Isaac. He was talking about creating his own definition of spiritual abuse. I couldn't find a transcript, so ended up transcribing his thoughts on my own. And I ruminated.

This morning, it all came together in my brain, why I feel like I know where we are, why I feel so personally worn down and discouraged, and why my instinct was to ramp up and do this thing, whereas James needed more time to grieve and come to grips with reality.

First, I'm going to share Eric Isaac's definition of spiritual abuse: "Spiritual abuse is its own umbrella category of abuse. Any form of abuse — sexual, emotional, psychological, vocational, or other — can fall under the category of spiritual abuse if God or the sacred is presented as complicit or used to justify abuse by power-holders through attempting to coerce or manipulate others for the purposes of control. The effects of this unique form of abuse can create unique theological or ontological trauma that can leave a lasting abusive construction of the sacred or God long after the individuals have removed themselves from the abusive environment. Spiritual abuse can also create and inform entire faith communities and institutions that are built on abusive manipulations of the sacred, perpetuating abusive conceptions of the sacred, alongside behavior by institutionalizing the conceptions of the sacred."

By that definition, I've been the victim of spiritual abuse multiple times in my life.

First, I was married to someone for 13 years who would make a decision (for example: that I needed not to talk to my sister as often as I was) and say, "If that's the wrong decision, then someday I will answer to God for it. But I'm responsible for this family, and that is my decision as to what's best for us."

Second, when I set about to leave that man, the church where I'd served for more than 6 years called me into meetings almost every day for two weeks trying to talk me out of divorcing him because "What if Jesus is going to save your marriage tomorrow and you gave up one day early?" They didn't what to appear to support the idea of divorce, so they micromanaged my behavior (or tried to; I'm bad at obeying when I disagree) for over a year before I folded and moved away. This was after they invited me to leave several times.

Third, when James and I got engaged, my church leadership tried to talk us both out of it. Since James isn't a believer, they didn't want me yoking myself to him. In the end, the preacher told me, "If you're not willing to submit to this part of our leadership, I'm not sure what we have for you here." This hurt, but when I found out that he'd groomed another young member of that church and carried on an inappropriate extramarital relationship with them (which started as sexual assault and continued through spiritual abuse over time) for many years, I was just mad.

Mad at the control for their own purposes. Mad at withholding the love of Christ because their priority was maintaining the glowing reputation of the church. Mad that the parable of the 99 sheep doesn't seem to apply to these people and their organizations: When you have a lost sheep, that's where you devote resources and love... you aren't supposed to just say, "Wow, you're a mess. Sacrificing the one for the 99 is just good math."

I have decades of experience in the arena of, "You'll do what I tell you to do or you'll suffer the consequences because God and stuff."

Years ago, when I was cleaning out my closet to prepare for moving from our family home of 7 years into the RV that D and I share for a couple of pretty awesome years, I remember a feeling washed over me. It said, "No help is coming."

For weeks, I'd been telling my story to anyone who would listen, in hopes that they'd understand my predicament, have some empathy, and walk through the process as my corroborating testimony. (To be clear, I did have friends who rose to this occasion, but no one on the church staff; no one who had any ability to make my presence in that body anything other than a thorn in the side of leadership.)

That message that I was on my own was kind of freeing. It allowed me to stop looking for a soft heart where none existed and instead redouble my efforts to move ahead, knowing what I needed to do.

The trauma of that lives large in my life to this day. I think that's why the quote about spiritual abuse felt so affirming and cathartic. It helped me see that when I'm triggered with a certain flavor of despair, I click immediately back into that mindset.

Last week, I tried to explain my hurt regarding the election to people who couldn't hear it. I guess I haven't learned that lesson yet. I'll just commiserate with those close to me who feel the same way I do and keep doing what I always do: taking care of my family and putting one foot in front of the other. Oh, and resisting. Because, as you now know, I do not obey well when I don't trust my leaders.

The Rich Get Richer

One last thing before we get off of the subject of my glandular heave-homent:

This whole thing started because we had insurance (have, until the end of this month). Since we have insurance that fully pays for annual check-ups, I've gotten bloodwork done every year for the past 5 years. There have been some things, like low whole blood, that required some looking into but were determined to be nothing. 

But in January 2023, I had high parathyroid hormone level as well as high calcium. Those two things both being elevated is an automatic diagnosis of hyperparathyroidism, and the only way to treat it is surgery. 

Getting referred to a good surgeon led to the suspicion and diagnosis of Hashimoto's disease, and all of that resulted in my having my thyroid and one parathyroid removed.

What had already happened was that I have experienced some bone loss (would be characterized as "osteopenia" if I were post-menopausal), and that I was frequently eliminating cloudy liquid as my poor little kidneys tried to flush the excess calcium out of my blood.

What could have happened was hypothyroidism, and any of several more advanced autoimmune disorders like Crohn's, Grave's, or lupus. I also could have had permanent nerve damage at my extremities due to wonky calcium levels. I could have fractured my hip. 

But I didn't.

We knew what was going on because I had access to adequate, thorough health care. Through James's work. Which he doesn't have now.

I went most of D's life without insurance and, consequently, we only went to the doctor's office when there was something overtly wrong. But in this case, if I'd waited until possible symptoms of thyroid disease had presented themselves, my body would have definitely been worse for the wear.

So I'm grateful.

I don't know what's going to happen in terms of our insurance after the COBRA stipend runs out. Tech employment is rough right now. But I do know that everyone deserves preventative care (in addition to acute care, obviously). Why is that a controversial ideal?

Honing in on the New Normal

If it is still 2021 when you are reading this, then I apologize. It's not really for you. It's for posterity.

Greetings, reader of the future! I hope we managed to reverse the climate change trend toward hotter, colder, stormier, drought-ier (yes, I saw that word used in a legitimate news article) weather for you guys. 

Hey, speaking of that...

A couple of days ago, the CDC announced that fully vaccinated (against Covid-19) people could refrain from wearing masks even indoors in most situations. Yay! James got his second shot two days ago, so is still a couple of weeks out from maximum immunity, but D and I are both considered "fully" and I look forward to ditching the masks!

I know a lot of people aren't. They want to keep wearing them, either for a while, until some benchmark they've chosen is reached; or seasonally, say to avoid the flu, which was barely a blip on the radar this past year, as we were distanced and masked.

Covid brought a lot of divisions to the forefront, in some really disconcerting ways.

The first is related a bit to masks. There are people, including most of the folks who were in my social circles a decade ago, who believed mask mandates to be compliance drills by the government, the first step onto a slippery slope to-- ??? Wearing burkhas? Never talking to anyone outside of the home? Closing all businesses to force the populace to be dependent on the government for income? To seize all guns? 

Most of the safety measures and protocol and solutions to the pandemic were seen by some as a great government conspiracy. The vaccines supposedly make you sterile. Or have something that inserts a tracker into your body so the government can see where you are at all times (even though you do that voluntarily with your smart phone, so...). Or will kill everyone who got one within the next decade (if this blog goes dark, you'll know why!). 

The initial "lock-downs" -- which weren't, by the way, as essential travel was never prohibited and we could go to the grocery store and get take-out if restaurants chose to stay open -- were seen as an overreach if not intended to destroy our economy, then doing it carelessly anyway.

Not allowing people to go to others' homes at first was seen as some kind of "divide and conquer" mess, I guess. I don't claim to understand the way people think.

A lot of people who felt all public safety measures were some kind of infringement on their personal rights point to inconsistent messaging. Yes, the CDC initially said masks didn't help; then they said that they absolutely DO help and people should wear them. Yes, that is inconsistent. But a couple of things were at play that helped me give grace to the folks in charge: 1) This was a NOVEL coronavirus and not much was known about it. 2) There wasn't enough personal protection equipment for the medical professionals, and they didn't want a run on what there was. This was smart thinking, the way people hoarded toilet paper and pasta and flour. 

It devolved into a political thing: If you were a Democrat, you wore masks and stayed home and lived in "fear." If you were a Republican, you enjoyed your freedom and did whatever the hell you wanted, and that's what this country is about, after all; plus, there's only a small chance you'll die, so why be such a pansy? There are exceptions. I know right-leaning people (and am related to people) who took trying not to catch or spread the virus seriously. And I know left-leaning people who are quite skeptical of the rapidly-developed vaccine and won't get it.

Another thing that the virus laid bare was the economic fault lines in our society, many of which run along racial lines. 

James has a job that he was able to do from home, and his company stable enough to weather the initial decline in business without having to cut salaries, so we were able to continue our lives without much economic instability.

But many jobs couldn't be done from home, like employees of grocers and restaurants, and in the medical profession. So they had some really no-win choices to make: go to work and risk infection, or don't work and don't get paid and probably get fired. Some people didn't have a choice: their employer couldn't afford to pay them and had to let them go. Some people didn't have childcare for their kids who were suddenly not in school, and had to wing it.

The jobs we suddenly glorified have been historically pooh-poohed as jobs that people who don't have a "good education" do, an almost morality tale about the dangers of failing to pursue higher education. Yet we expected these folks to happily show up, deal with people who were angry about mask mandates, put in all of their hours, expose themselves to the exhalations of hundreds of people every day, and often take public transit there and back.

The death rate of people who identify as Latinae was much higher than the death rate of white people. Black folks also died at a higher rate than whites. In addition to jobs, my guess is that things that played into this are: population density in households and neighborhoods, reliance on public transit and carpooling, and lack of access to medical care (from lack of insurance, fear of attracting the attention of authorities/ICE, and a general and understandable skepticism of the medical industry), in addition to living either in urban areas where the healthcare systems were overwhelmed, or in rural areas where there are no longer hospitals.

In addition to the 8 million people who slipped into poverty between May and October 2020, there was a huge toll on healthcare professionals. Some were laid off when hospitals stopped doing elective procedures; others were reassigned to jobs outside of their expertise. Many were run ragged, and had to choose between taking care of patients and seeing their families. I have two friends who rented hotel rooms for weeks at a time so as not to bring home something to their kids and partners.

The stimulus payments lifted fully half of the children in poverty in the US out, so that's pretty exciting. The eviction moratoriums are just ending, so I hope both landlords and tenants are able to pull through this time okay. I understand that it's easy to assume all landlords are rich corporations, but they are not. And many have been financially hit by the fact that their tenants have not had to pay rent, and federal or state help is slow in coming.

In short: deadly disease aside, it's been a mess. It's showed a lot of weaknesses, including in our communities.

Homeschoolers, especially, seem to lean more toward the "masks and gathering limits are an affront to my personal autonomy." I have a friend (who's not a homeschooler, but kind of the same mentality) who moved to another city where they weren't enforcing the statewide mandate, because she wanted her kids to have "a normal childhood."

I can only make decisions for myself and my family, but I think it's okay to teach your kids how to pivot during a trying circumstance, how to pitch in for the health of all, and that sometimes, things just aren't "normal." How can you build resiliency if you never encounter this kind of thing?

Anyway, we're a long way from "normal," but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel now. I'd really hoped that a global pandemic might lead to more understanding and cooperation, but that just seems not to be super possible, on a large scale. In fact, I might be tempted to be more discouraged if the freeze hadn't happened, and we hadn't had some neighbors step up in a huge way. I think maybe the smaller communities are where the magic happens. And that part is nice.

"You're in Trump Country"

We drove around a lot yesterday. About 150 miles, give or take. But we didn't get very far, as you can see from this map:

During that drive, we learned two things: 1) Ranchers overwhelmingly seem to support Donald Trump for reelection. I've never seen so many signs, flags, giant banners, etc. Admittedly, I don't often drive through miles of ranches, either. For every sprawling hill country pasture with a Biden/Harris sign adorning the fence, we saw 50 or more for Trump. Also, a popular sign in Johnson City said, "Vote Republican to preserve your freedom!" I'd love to interview the Biden supporters, see if they know their neighbors and whether it's difficult to be the lone blue in a sea of red. Also, I'd love to ask the "freedom" people what and whose freedoms they mean.

However, the more important thing we learned was: 2) THEY ARE BUTTERFLIES, not moths. Oh, man, the slaughter was worse driving around yesterday. I took a picture of our grill, which I won't share here because it's really brutal in a kind of beautiful way. One of the first items on our agenda today is to find a car wash; we also drove over some fresh tar so the undercarriage is likely a mess, as well. (According to Mal, our first order of business is finding a playground.)

Let me tell you about our adventures yesterday, in words only because the internet where we are is super slow. Like downstream is about .37 mbps. So there's no chance of uploading pictures until we get somewhere less... country. In fact, where we're staying is on a property literally called "A Country Place," which has a selection of differently-sized cabins. We're in The Woodshed, which is adorable and more spacious than it looked online. You can see it here.

We left the Exotic Zoo Resort after a last swing on the playground, and having emptied our last bits of food for the animals. They'd just been fed their official meal, which looks like sawdust, but were happy to leave the troughs to come get treats from us. One llama exhaled a mouthful of his feed into James's window, then promptly threatened to spit after consuming a few bites of the pellets we gave him. Also, a camel tried to eat my windshield wiper. Which we really need to work because, as I mentioned, suicidal butterflies.

Mal wanted Home Town Donuts, so we stopped by there (James had a breakfast taco and kolache), then drove over to LBJ park complex. There is a state park on the south bank of the river, then a national park to the north. The state park has a living farm, operating as though it were 1917. There are a couple of cabins, one dating back to the 1850s, and then the farm is a homestead where the family started off with a modest little cabin, and then the husband built the wife a Victorian home that resembled her mother's house. They have sheep, cows, chickens, pigs, and a garden. They were cooking goulash for lunch and it smelled heavenly. In addition to the homes, there is a dormitory that the husband built for his 10 kids, and which has since been turned into a smoke house; a barn; a nice big chicken coop; a well house; and a smithy. 

Except that the homestead neighbored the Johnson ranch, that part of the park didn't have too much to do with Lyndon Johnson. However, they did have a museum with relevant displays. We didn't go inside, because Covid and masks and all of that. 

We drove over to the Johnson property, and it was massive but modest. After he became President, Johnson had an airstrip installed so he could travel to the "Texas White House" to work from there, and to host guests and dignitaries. It's still a working ranch, and we got to see quite a few cattle. It's really a lovely site, and it felt like we had it to ourselves. There is a half-sized replica of Air Force One at the airstrip. Mal was terrified that it would start up and fly into us. He enjoyed the bench swing in the trees between the house and the river, though.

Oh, hey! I got one picture to upload! Yay!

Next, we drove through Fredericksburg... I don't know if we missed the best part of town, but I've heard raves and didn't really see anything too impressive if you're not into wineries. Holy cow, there are more than 50. Also, a couple of places where they make mead, cider, and rum.

But you know what town was super cute? Ingram. After Fredericksburg, we drove through Kerrville to Ingram to see Stonehenge II. If you look at the map above, you can see how "off the path" we went to see it. It was worth the side trip, though! There are quite a few neat pieces of outdoor art in the complex, and one of the Easter Island heads is responsibly wearing a mask about the size of a queen sheet.

Ingram seems to have a bustling arts community and specialty shopping. I think it would be fun to hang out there for a couple of days.

Heading back east, we stopped at a quirky roadside attraction called "Cartoon Saloon." It was only a few miles from there to Old Tunnel State Park. It was a railroad tunnel that stopped operating in 1942. Now, thousands of bats live there and fly out at night a la Congress Street Bridge in Austin. We knew we wouldn't be there late enough to see the bats emerge, but it's free to enter the park so we stopped by, anyway.

Walking down to the tunnel, we were able to see HUNDREDS of bats already flying around like crazy at the far end of the tunnel. Also, it smelled really bad. But the view from the upper viewing area was absolutely gorgeous! It was our best view of the Hill Country so far. And we weren't even in the car, where we were having to view it though a bug-splattered windshield!

Once again, Mal was such a trooper. He complained a little bit about walking during the day, but he did it. And he was in generally good spirits. I did ply him with soda and Hershey's, but that just means I'm an adept parenting strategist, right?

We got dinner from Blanco River Pizza, and ate it at the picnic tables on the county courthouse lawn. Mal ran around the whole time, talking about and playing Minecraft. Then we came to our little Woodshed. On the way, we crossed over a one-lane "bridge" that was maybe five or six inches over a creek. It was very cool and I'm glad it hasn't rained lately!

Today, we're planning to explore Wimberley, but also taking it easy. Have a great Tuesday, folks!

Self-Care in the Age of Social Media (and other assorted chaos)

Over the past few years, I've divested from most social media. I quit Facebook two and a half years ago; after I got past the habit of thinking in status updates, I didn't miss it at all. I bumped up my Instagram usage at that time, but after a year, quit that, too. It had gone from pretty happy inspiration to more pointed politicking and bickering. I was on Twitter for a spell, following fat activists and other public figures I'd grown to admire but then, of course, it ends up being distilled into mostly hot takes and trolls so I stopped that. Finally, I was starting to get more involved in the Austin subreddit. It's a pretty calm place, and even arguments are largely respectful and calm. However, "the algorithm" decided that I like news, and so the feed was largely heart-breaking headlines from around the world. Last night, there were two in a row that made me say, "Nope. This is out, too." So I deleted it.

In the months since the pandemic began, I've actually had the time and mental wherewithal to read only a few books. But they've helped me focus in on what's important to me and what it is to which I want to be exposed.

Two nights ago was the first "Presidential" "debate." I didn't watch it, because Joe Biden and Donald Trump have been in the public arena for almost as long as I've been alive. They're known quantities. There are no surprises to be revealed. Why even bother? 

Apparently, I made the right decision, as 69% of watchers who were polled reported feeling "annoyed" by the process.

I'm choosing to head off annoyance at the pass.

I'm doing this by reading books that have a strong point of view but are not written in a purposefully inflammatory way. I just finished "The Liturgy of Politics: Spiritual Formation for the Sake of Our Neighbor," and am about 2/3 of the way through "Stamped from the Beginning." I highly recommend both. "The Liturgy of Politics" is definitely from a Christian perspective, and is convicting but a pretty easy read. "Stamped from the Beginning" is taking me longer because there is so much historical information that every once in a while, my brain needs to rest so I can digest some more. But it's impressively dispassionate; the author writes with a much cooler tone than I feel when I read about the injustices that we have wrought on our fellow countrymen throughout the US's past.

I'm selecting news sources that have a humorous bent because at least then I know they're going to editorialize and help me release some of the pressure from pretty heavy stories. Most "news" outlets editorialize wildly, but it's angry, and they're trying to engender anger (from every side) because it helps ratings. Not interested.

I'm listening to podcasts that report news from a different perspective than mine. I enjoy things like Code Switch and Latino USA because I have always had my news delivered to me, a white middle-class person, from a very uniform source. Black Twitter and The Root are extremely eye-opening, and I appreciate the education. 

I have not watched "The Social Dilemma" but they were discussing it on "The Holy Post" the other day (another podcast I enjoy, even though I'm a little more liberal than most of them, and a lot more liberal than some of them) and Phil Vischer mentioned how the documentary pointed out that when someone sees a news item that leans the same way they lean, it further reinforces their point of view. So "the algorithm" decides that you must really like stuff that is super conservative, and it feeds you that, whether it's from your friends' feeds or from the news feed itself. Then advertisers seek out people with that POV and feed them even more outlandish things, and it basically creates this echo chamber that "radicalizes" pretty much everyone. If you're left, you're going to be pushed WAY left; if you're right, you're going to be SUPER right-wing. I do not want to let outside sources determine what news I hear or how I feel about any of it. I'm trying to make deliberate choices both for my own mental health and for the sake of my being a better, more well-rounded "neighbor."

I won't want to talk about politics right now. I know that it's hard for me to articulate how I feel without getting emotionally invested and likely angry. I need to work on myself more before I can have a calm conversation about why I believe what I believe and how I can't understand why you can believe or disbelieve certain things. Basically, I need to deprogram myself.

I tried this experiment on Reddit: I was only kind. If I said something and someone responded with a "Are you saying this?! Then you're an idiot!" (that's editing; people attack a lot more creatively) I would respond with a sincere apology. I didn't let myself get riled up. It was actually very freeing. I need to learn to do this in person. With people I like and even love. It's harder, though, I think. Like if I believe that every human deserves equal rights and that it might take more work to get us to that point, and a stranger disagrees... okay, whatever dude. Just get out of my way. But if it's someone I'm trying to respect and have a relationship with, it's a lot harder not to descend into, "What kind of a monster are you?! What does it hurt YOU if this person gets to do this thing, or that person gets an extra one of those???!"

So please excuse me if I just walk away when items of a divisive nature come up. I won't disengage forever, but I have to for now. I have to figure out how to be the person I want to be even when faced with things I cannot believe exist. 

Also...

I'm a naturally optimistic and happy person. I like that about me. I have ended multiple friendships with people who were sad sacks and vehement constant victims because although their perpetual anger and hurt was tiring, when they expected me to get on board with their "The world is against me and everything sucks," I could not support them in that way. I don't believe that. I don't want to believe that. I want to be able to hone in on injustices without imagining them where they are not. Sometimes, when your tire goes flat on your way to a job interview, it just sucks. It's not god or the universe punishing you because everything is a bitch and it always will be. 

And it's hard to be happy when everyone seems to want you to be super incensed about everything "the other side" is doing. The enemy is real; turning everyone and everything into "the enemy" makes it impossible to fight the real battles. 

Anyway, all of that to say that I'm tired of being tired in my brain, so I'm disengaging from things that both stress me out and do not profit me to think about or discuss. Also, here is a picture of some ducks from the lake.

Cooler heads, prevail!

Friday, I had a lot of friends who were jubilant and a lot of friends who were miserable. Saturday, I had a lot of friends who were jubilant and a lot of friends who were irritated and perplexed. As for me, I have a lot of hope. I have a lot of opinions, but I have even more hope.

I, too, have been a bit disenfranchised, as I'm sure most of us have been, over the past, really, year's social climate. In just the past week, I've seen people I care about and admire called names on social media and by "news" outlets... and I just really want us to do better.

Believe me, I get that knee-jerk stomach punch feeling that comes when someone says something that goes against what I know to be right or true. And while I'm not willing to say that there's no such thing as absolute truth, I will say that there are many things we want to insist are inarguably one way or another when that just isn't the case.

Or, in their words, "There's room for everyone in this world, so everyone make some room."

I can't do anything about the news outlets, except recommending that you just stay away from the more biased sources, whether they oppose your viewpoint and piss you off or affirm your beliefs and make you smug and unwilling to keep an open mind.

Maybe use this nifty graphic from this website as a guide, committing to reading/consuming the publications toward the middle and top of this picture.

Now, I'm going to make a commitment to you, and I hope you can extend the same courtesy to me, and, really to everyone else who might not agree with you:

1) I will not assume that the beliefs you hold are because you are *something*: ignorant, racist, sheep, liberal crybaby, baby murderer, misogynistic, not a patriot, (and, if you're a Christian: watering down the gospel to make it palatable, trapped in legalism, weak faith, not really a believer), etc. unless you do something I can point to and tell you to your face. I've seen so many people talk about how "the other side" doesn't value freedom or how they're just mindless drones doing what actors tell them, or how they're hell-bent on keeping women pregnant and in the kitchen. I don't think these caricatures are broadly applicable, and gross generalizations and insults weaken a person's argument (stance, not necessarily "fight").

Even if I disagree with you, I'm going to assume that you came to your conclusions based on a mix of your experience, research, and thought. If you want me to explain what I think or believe, I'm glad to talk about it, and I'm glad to hear your side. I do not assume that, given enough of *my* special information that you'll change your mind and see your way to the "correct" side, and I hope you don't think that about the information you give me.

However, I will say that one of my best friends over the past 20 years is someone who has been, at various times, on the polar opposite side of most political issues from me (although, over time, we've both moved more center and have, in fact, reversed sides on some things), and through our relationship and talking, I've seen a different side of things than what I believed, and I've changed my thoughts on a lot of things. That's not always comfortable, but I think we have to be open to that.

Otherwise, you're just one person talking at someone else, and that conversation's not going to last very long, because it's not fun to be yelled at and not heard.

2) If I disagree with you enough that I feel I need to bring it up, I will have actual facts to back up any arguments, however impassioned. However, know that I probably won't bring it up. Honestly, I have enough on my plate to pick a tiff with anyone else.

3) I will not presume to understand the way that "all" Democrats, Libertarians, Republicans, Independents, anarchists, Christians, atheists, black people, poor people, teenagers, Muslims, pro-choicers, 2nd Amendment activists, etc. must think. I will not assign to you a morality or ethic that you do not personally hold. I will respect you as an individual.

4) I will seek information and listen to people outside of my "echo chamber." I will seek to be empathetic. I will try to see it from someone else's point of view. I am currently in a personal struggle with where to land on a certain political stance, and I'm not going into it here because it would become "the" thing, and it's not what this post is about, but let's just say that I spent about 21/22 of my life "knowing" the right answer, but people I really admire have helped me see another side. I still think that what I believed is *mostly* right, but not "zero tolerance" right anymore. I want to be willing to examine with honesty and openness any issue that is important to the human race. I might not change my mind, but I might. I will fight my own bent to stay soft here.

I think I just ran out of steam. Plus, I have to empty the litter boxes to get the trash out this afternoon, because my life is glamorous. Anyway, can we be nice to each other? Can we remember that he IS your President, if you're a citizen of the US? Can we remember that protests aren't the same thing as riots, and that a LOT of really positive change has happened in our country's history because of people marching for things they believe in? Can we all hold these impassioned beliefs and not let it rip us apart?

Peace out. Scoop time.

I Ain't Even Mad (and I'm tired of people who are trying to sustain anger)

So, guys, whew. That election, amirite?! SNL was funny this weekend. Russell Brand had an interestingly insightful video about the whole thing. I'm not posting links, because I'm lazy and I'm sure we're all tired.

Now, first, if you want to know the truth, I did not vote for our President-elect. Second, I was surprised watcing the results unfold (again, you should really watch that one SNL skit about people "like me" on eleciton night. Good good stuff). But very quickly, I saw something so hopeful happening: I saw folks mobilizing to make sure marginalized people weren't going to slip through the cracks, be bullied, or have their rights trampled on.

I'm a member of several groups that have recently sprung up on Facebook to facilitate interracial understanding, to reach out to political leaders to make sure the will of the people is known, and to step out of comfort zones to make a real difference in the lives of people whose civil rights are important to "us" (meaning those with any kind of privilege, almost all of which I have: white, fully-"abled," Christian, straight... pretty much all of it except "male."

Seeing these random acts of kindness, seeing how taking a look at ourselves has made us more empathetic and more motivated to reach out... that's been affirming and beautiful. I want more of it! I want to be a part of it. I want to be part of a revolution that has as its goal to love actively. This is awesome.

But.

OMG, people.

The "but"s.

I get it: some of us were surprised and disappointed and scared for ourselves, or friends, or family members, or society at large. Some of us were happy and aren't thrilled with the way the "others" are looking at us right now and we don't understand their outrage and find their morality high horse consescending. I get those things.

But I'm tired of...

You know what? I'm not tired of the angry. I get the angry. I have felt the angry.

I'm tired of the vitriol. I'm tired of the darkness and the cursing and the wishing ill. I'm tired of the all caps and the yelling and the aspersions.

Examples: People calling Trump voters (who might not necessarily be "supporters," in the strictest sense of the word) racists and hillbillies and misogynists, etc. Conservatives telling "whiny liberals" to stop crying, etc. Big sigh.

I've seen families literally have to spend time apart because they are antagonizing each other. Oh my goodness, peoples, why?! You do not need to make that family member "see the light." I promise. We all have our viewpoints, and if you actually act in an uncivil manner toward someone or do something illegal or shady or whatever, I might call you on it, but otherwise, I'm going to assume you have well-thought-out reasons for voting the way you do... and it's supposed to be secret, anyway.

So maybe a little 1990s "don't ask/don't tell" is in order, if only to keep the family and/or neighborhood and/or reading club peace.

Now. There are a few things that have made me unfollow those groups I purposefully joined recently.

I was going to justify what I'm about to say by explaining my political position, but I decided not to. I don't need to justify this. It's true regardless of my opinions about the election. But let's just say that the criticisms I'm going to voice are of stances coming from what could conceivably be "my" side this election.

First, there's this whole safety pin thing, where allies (or "safe" people) wear a safety pin to indicate that they're willing to stand up for people of color, the LGBT community, refugees, immigrants, etc. Well, now there are people mad about THAT because they say white people don't get to "assuage guilt" by something dumb like wearing a pin. Um. That's not why I was doing it. I don't feel guilty.

Second, someone suggested not buying Christmas presents this year to hit the economy so "the stores" would take notice. "The stores" didn't vote for anyone. If you want to rachet down the commercialism of the holiday, great. Make stuff, do a gift swap with friends and used toys, etc. But to purposefully tank the economy just to prove a point? Hey, guess what? I live in this economy. So does everyone else, including people making minimum wage working at big box stores. And those people have families. The "notice" the stores might take if not performing up to expectations is likely to bear itself out in cutting hours or positions.

I am all for political statements, but I'm not participating in any "scorched earth" scenario, so no thanks.

Third, and probably last, because I really don't want to be vitriolic. I don't. But the #notmypresident thing? Well, it's been done, so it's already tired. However, not to put on a Captain Obvious cape or anything, but unless you defect to another country or you die between now and the new year, Donald Trump will, in actual fact, be your President. You don't have to love him. You are welcome to your embarrassment and horror that he has been elected. But as long as you're a US citizen, he'll be every bit as much your President as Barack Obama has been all of the denial declaimers' from 2008 and 2012.

That might just be semantics to you, but we've just spent weeks and weeks arguing that words are important. Do we mean it? Or do we just mean it for "them"?

Especially if you voted. If you voted, you cast an implied vote of confidence in the system that got Donald Trump elected. (If you didn't vote, you have more of a "right" to say "None of 'em are my President; I ain't part of that system," though you'd still be factually in error.) You would have accepted the outcome happily (more or less) if "your" candidate had won... So you can unhappily accept this outcome, but you really have no choice (except, again, expatriating yourself) but to accept it, since it's reality.

The absolute final thing I don't understand, anger-wise, is most of the people I know who are just ticked off about the past eight years and can't wait for a change in administration. Now, I do know that there are people who are genuinely struggling, financially or otherwise... but most of the people I know are firmly entrenched in the middle (even if lower middle) class, and their lives are not in peril or constant jeopardy, so I don't get the utter relief that this Presidency is closing out.

Also, many of the same ones calling "liberals" "whiny" or "sore losers" or whatever are the same people who have "charming" nicknames for our current President, which I will not repeat here because I don't want to give any of them credibility, nor call anyone out specifically for being rude.

But if you're a little affronted because you've done any of the above things? I'm not trying to hurt anyone's pride or feelings. I just want the ugliness to stop. We're all on the same side. We all want our country to be its best. I think most of us want that not to be at anyone else's expense, too.

So I appreciate the friends I've seen who are channeling their very strong feelings into action. Thank you for being such great examples of how to proactively combat feelings in order to stave off resentment and complacency. I want to be just like you guys when I grow up.

A Thing I Thought

For my own mental health and yours, I've been trying to avoid all political stuff on social media. I have read so many articles that I've really loved, and haven't shared any of them, because I don't define my life by politics, and I don't want to cause stress between friends. So hopefully you'll see this more as I mean it, which is a couple of comments on the human condition.

I'm not endorsing a candidate. I think that the choice for whom to vote, or whether to vote at all, is deeply personal, and I respect it for every individual. I have friends who feel like voting supports tyranny (explained here). I have friends who will be voting for third party candidates for President in 2016. And I have friends who will be voting for either of the "major" party candidates. No one needs my opinion or instructions.

So please don't message me to try to pull me to a specific side, because I make my decisions with the same autonomy you do, and I hope we can all joyfully and lovingly respect that.

That said: There was only one point in the first Presidential Debate last night that felt "sacred" to me. I loved it. It was when Lester Holt asked Hillary Clinton, "Do you believe that police are implicitly biased against black people?" Her answer: "Lester, I think implicit bias is a problem for everyone, not just the police. I think, unfortunately, too many of us in our great country jump to conclusions about each other...."

My jaw literally dropped and I looked at my husband and said, "That was brilliant."

She then went on to explain that we need to slow down and ask why we're feeling certain ways, but that the repercussions of this in relationship to police force are huge and need to be addressed. She described "support" and "training" and "assistance" for police.

I felt the answer showed realism, empathy, and basically positivity in an otherwise loud, brash, difficult debate. I fully expected to wake up to lavish praise of Secretary Clinton for this eloquent response.

Instead, it was: "Hillary Clinton calls the whole US racist!"

What? She didn't say that at all. She said we all have implicit biases, and anyone who would say, "No I don't" is either in denial or is Jesus. Just today, I made a mental judgment about a person in a situation at a store that was based on nothing but what I guessed to be their socio-economic situation. It was a snap thought, and I'm embarrassed by it, AND I was wrong, but we do this.

She said nothing that was accusatory or mean-spirited, and I am just shocked that anyone could see her addressing of this extremely difficult, tragic situation as anything other than well-stated.

Okay, we're half way through.

The second thing is that apparently Donald Trump mentioned after the debate at some point that he hadn't brought up Monica Lewinsky because Chelsea Clinton, whom he admires, was in the room. Well, I guess it's good that she doesn't have the internet, because now she'll never know.

First of all, if you haven't watched Lewinsky's TED Talk, it's completely worth your time. I'll even embed it, so you don't have to click through.




We could go on for hours about how many stupid things I and my friends did in our 20s and we can all thank God none of these involved the President and therefore became public fodder. Holy cow.

But, anyway, she's not the point here.

The point here is that I guess he was going to bring Lewinsky up to talk about Hillary Clinton's feminist take on the world, and how did this situation fit into that, since the President took advantage of his power (and, if you listen to her, she doesn't seem to feel victimized by anything other than her own naivety). Regardless, Hillary Clinton didn't, you know, actually DO anything to Lewinsky, besides maybe calling her crazy, and I think she'd agree she was acting like someone in limerence, and that's basically crazy. If someone were trying to make time with my husband, I'd probably have even choicer words. Even if he were complicit. Your tendency is to be mad at the person you don't love and live with first.

And that's not the point, either.

My point is that I'm going to tell you what I'd like to see Hillary Clinton say if the former President's past "indiscretions" do come up in the future...

"Mr. Trump has repeatedly brought up my husband's activities as President, as though these define me and my future Presidency. I hope we all recognize that, as dear as the former President Clinton is to me, we are not the same person.

"It is an interesting choice to bring up a situation that is devastating to families who experience it in private, and much more so when it is played out in front of the entire world. It is interesting to me because it happened twenty years ago, and because I did not perpetrate anything on anyone in respect to it.

"My guess is that the only thought you've ever given to this situation is either, as many people did, as a joke worthy of every SNL skit it generated, or, in this immediate case, how to leverage it to your political advantage.

"In my opinion, leveraging a family's pain to your own advantage is deplorable, but since you insist, let me tell you what I hope everyone will take away from this about me.

"First: I keep my promises. When I say I'll do something, I will. Not just when it's easy or fun. I will do it. When trouble rears up, and when things look hopeless, I won't throw my hands up, call 'bankruptcy!' and run away to start over. I will do what I say I will do.

"Second: I am willing to make decisions that are for the good of the people I love, my family, and this country, and stay with it. I am not afraid to do the work. I do not shrink back from something that is hard, but will doggedly pursue an end once I have committed to it.

"As a wife, I had some heavy decisions to make twenty years ago. I knew the world was watching, and I knew I'd be vilified by one group or another regardless of what I chose. But I didn't need people praising me and telling me how amazing I was; I just needed to do what was best for our family. Now, I can tell you that we are a better, stronger family than we ever were before.

"I believe that these things can translate on a national and global stage. When faced with difficulties, I make decisions, I navigate, I work, and I want to see us better down the road that we nave ever been before. I have hope and faith in us and what we can become.

"So thank you, for whatever reason you brought this up, for reminding me and for reminding all of us."

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.

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P.S. This isn't divorce-shaming Trump; I have been married and divorced exactly as many times as he has. And it's one reason I feel so much respect for what this "I'm not sitting here, some little woman just standing by her man" lady ended up doing.

P.P.S. Also, like Trump, I married a devastatingly sexy super-model-type this time around, and had a kid when I was just a little past my prime.

A Quick Word About the "Call to Action"

How are you guys feeling about July 4th? Do you kind of feel a a little bruised about America based on the events of the past couple of weeks? There are lots of people with lots of viewpoints, but I feel like most of us have been disappointed either by our fellow Americans or our government or our political process or either our lack of social progress in the past 200 years or what seems like a rocket-ship's speed of progress.

I'm not going to talk about my opinions about any of it, though I definitely do have thoughts. If you want to talk about it, let's meet and talk. No one ever changed his or her mind on a touchy subject (like politics, racism, marriage equality, gun rights, etc.) based on an internet showdown, least of all based on my little blog.

What I wanted to address specifically is one thing that I've seen come up several times on the internet (which, whatever, we're a bunch of random weirdos so just carry on) but also in my social media feeds... and you guys are my friends, and I love you, and I hurt that you hurt, and I also think that you're maybe worried about the wrong things and are maybe thinking that there's something coming and you need to do something, but the thing you're wanting to do isn't the important thing.

Sorry for the vaguery. I genuinely don't want to step on anyone's toes, and I definitely want this post to reflect the love and sympathy I have... maybe I should have done it as a vlog, but I can't talk when my child is asleep, and I don't get a minute to the computer when he's awake, so thanks for bearing with this, and for giving me every benefit of the doubt.

I've seen the following phrases called forth on social media recently: "call to action," "battle lines," and various takes on that kind of thing. If you're one of the ones posting that, may I speak with you for just a moment?

Yes, Jesus called us to action. He did. He said to go and make disciples. In his word, though many writers, he said to stand up for the defenseless (especially widows and orphans). Visit people in prison. Take care of the sick. Feed the hungry. Whatever you do to the least of these, that kind of thing.

However you feel about the Supreme Court's ruling on "gay marriage," allow me to assure you of this one thing: gay people are not your enemy. There is no epic, Cristendom-wide battle against them, or the culture, or any of it. We have one enemy, and that's Satan. He comes to kill, steal, and destroy. If you feel like you HAVE to act or you'll go crazy, I promise you that two people of the same gender getting married should not be your target. Likely, it will not affect you in the least, dire predictions aside.

If you want to be mad, and direct that anger at something productive, join Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Become a Court-Appointed Special Advocate. Go downtown and sit and have a thirty minute conversation with the marginalized transient. Visit a nursing home and take your kids. Volunteer to keep the kids of a single mom you know so she can get out for a while. Mow your elderly neighbor's yard. Find out what you can do to stop child trafficking. Go visit a random person in jail. See if there are opportunities to help out at an unplanned pregnancy center, or food kitchen, or organization that helps women transition out of the sex industry.

These people, good Christians, they NEED you.

You know what else? I need you.

I feel useless so often, unable to get a shower some second (or even third) days, because I have such a high needs baby. It breaks my heart to think that anyone who might have the time and righteous anger to spare is going after something that has been around for years and only now has an official seal of approval from the government (and, honestly, who cares about the government? I don't think it should license, approve, incentivize, or be any part of marriage in any way, but that's another subject).

So get out there. Show me how awesome it is. Then hound me, and make me realize that I *do* have time. I do. I need to get out there myself. I need to love more, and to serve more. And stop making excuses. And, frankly, to expect all of you to change so I can feel better about myself.

Believe me, I get you. I get that it hurts to think that your deity is being disregarded, but God doesn't need our defense. We're not called to defend "our" way or to stand up as a big bloc to the nations. The zealots expected that, and Rome was far worse than the US, but Jesus was apolitical. There was never any call to fight against the corrupt government or culture. Not one mention of it, by way of instruction or example.

Please stop predicting that this one thing is going to call down God's judgment on us as a nation. First of all, the United States isn't Israel, Part II; we don't have a covenant with God like they did. I don't know what God's "blessings" on our country that people are decrying will end even mean. Secondly, we've committed some government-sanctioned atrocities in the past 200 years, and we're still here. Genuine, robbing-of-freedom and taking-of-lives for no reason stuff. Actions that have pretended that every person is not a person bearing God's likeness. And we persist as a nation.

Even Rome managed to hang around for a good several hundred years after the death of Christ and ensuing persecution of Christians. And those WERE God's people, yet he didn't smite Rome. Those people just sat around and thought up torture for amusement. There is zero way that our country's atmosphere is worse or more deserving of divine punishment.

So don't worry, don't sound alarms that will make you... make us look foolish later.

Please.

If you're just so mad you feel like you have to do something, please do. But why not do something that will leave a legacy of love, so that maybe people will look back at this time in the future and say, "Wow, they really stepped up and helped change the culture." In a good way. In a way that people cannot deny is loving and helpful. Maybe even, "I did not expect that," with smiles on their faces?

Please.

A Friendly Thanksgiving Rant (that was interrupted by sleep cycle)

An excerpt from "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens.

Running to the window, he opened it, and put out his head.  No fog, no mist; clear, bright, jovial, stirring, cold; cold, piping for the blood to dance to; Golden sunlight; Heavenly sky; sweet fresh air; merry bells.  Oh, glorious.  Glorious!
"What's to-day?" cried Scrooge, calling downward to a boy in Sunday clothes, who perhaps had loitered in to look about him.
"Eh?" returned the boy, with all his might of wonder.
"What's to-day, my fine fellow?" said Scrooge.
"To-day?" replied the boy.  "Why, Christmas Day."
"It's Christmas Day!" said Scrooge to himself.  "I haven't missed it.  The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like.  Of course they can.  Of course they can.  Hallo, my fine fellow!"
"Hallo!" returned the boy.
"Do you know the Poulterer's, in the next street but one, at the corner?" Scrooge inquired.
"I should hope I did," replied the lad.
"An intelligent boy!" said Scrooge.  "A remarkable boy! Do you know whether they've sold the prize Turkey that was hanging up there -- Not the little prize Turkey: the big one?"
"What, the one as big as me?" returned the boy.
"What a delightful boy!" said Scrooge.  "It's a pleasure to talk to him.  Yes, my buck."
"It's hanging there now," replied the boy.

"Is it?" said Scrooge.  "Go and buy it."
"But sir," said he, "It's Christmas Day! Surely you can't expect the Poulterer to be at work? He is with his family, as all people should be on this sacred holiday. Your crass consumerism is ruining everything that this holiday means and this country stands for! You, sir, are a scoundrel!"

-------------------------------------------------

It is 10:29 p.m. on Thanksgiving night. Judging by the Facebook feeds I am seeing, many of my friends are what I've seen categorized lately as "part of the problem." *My* problem is that I'm not exactly certain what "the" problem is.

Perhaps some people think that "pushing Christmas earlier and earlier" is the problem, but Christmas decorations show up at Hobby Lobby during the Back-to-School season, so none of the stores that are open today are breaking any new ground there.

Also, some people feel that Christmas is "too commercialized." If you think that, then don't buy presents for people for Christmas. I wish I could make stuff for my family (whom, by the way, I don't feel culturally obligated to ply with tokens; it's a good time, and I love thinking about honoring them with an appropriate gift on Christmas, their birthday, or any random Tuesday), but I am not that talented. So I buy things. Is that crass? How much food was at your Thanksgiving meal? Did you grow all of the food yourself? My guess is that most of us bought our food at a store. And that most of us made and ate too much. So why not attack our own "proper" family celebrations as being greedy and contributing to stores' robust sales in a way that just encourages evil corporate ballooning? Gluttonous? Wasteful? Hoarding resources to which less-fortunate people do not have access. I don't feel that way, but I'm just being the devil's advocate. We're all mad at Wal-Mart or other "big box" stores, but if we think they and their shoppers are "part of 'the problem,'" then we need to examine our own culpability.

Others might be upset that the people in retail have to work and be separated from their families on Thanksgiving. Lots and lots of people work on Thanksgiving: healthcare workers, first responders, gas station attendants, hotel staff, cruise ship employees (actually, tons of people in the hospitality industry), people in the armed forces, the folks who man the Butterball Turkey Hotline, television hosts and anchors, people responsible for utilities, transportation providers (bus drivers, airline pilots and attendants, etc.)... And then there are the people who volunteer to do work on Thanksgiving: college football players and cheerleaders, people who feed the animals at the shelters, people who feed people at churches and soup kitchens, the folks manning the dozens of "turkey trot" races that happen on Thanksgiving day, etc. But retail workers "having" to clock in seems to be the only one that cheeses us off and makes us say "enough is enough!"

I think some people feel like this is akin to a human rights issue... that businesses "forcing" people not to hang with their families today is a kind of abuse. So, I'm guessing most of us have jobs here. How many of you have to do stuff for your job that is not your favorite? When I worked at Terra West, for a while we didn't have an office cleaner, so we rotated cleaning duties. I was a crack receptionist, dang it, but once a month, I had to clean the toilet that we, our customers, and random people off the street used impunity. It was disgusting. But I did it. So did the office manager. So did the licensed Realtor/property manager. If it had been so distasteful to me that I would not do it, I could have quit that job and done something else. "But these people can't quit," you might argue. "They're lucky to have a job at all, in this economy." Um. Right. So. When you work for a boss, you do what they tell you to do.

Personally, the times I've worked on holidays have been fine. When I worked at a grocery store, there was a festive atmosphere, everyone brought snacks, and the people who came in were lots of fun. I remember one lady asking the store manager to put on Muzak instead of the game, because the main reason she came to the store was to get away from football. Plus, I got time-and-a-half, so that was sweet. Then I just showed up at the family's house when I got off work, and everything was ready to go!

I was also on call when I was a property manager. I would get emergency maintenance calls, and, believe me, when you tell a tenant that her stove breaking down ON THANKSGIVING does not constitute an emergency as outlined in her lease, you're going to be on the phone a long time, and you're going to be called a lot of names you don't want your mom to know about or it would break her heart.

Still, neither of these enterprises lasted from sunup to sundown, and I never felt that my obligation to work "ruined" the holiday.

Finally, I think the point most people want to make is that this is all about consumerism and capitalism gone wild and the greed of corporations to make a buck. Well, maybe sort of. But businesses are in business to - ta da! - make money. So, yes, they're going to do it when they can. However, a friend of mine who owns his own business mentioned that he might be called in today to work and might not. He has an air conditioning and heating company. If your heater shut down today, and you had family over, and you were all horribly uncomfortable, he would come to you if you called him. He wouldn't do it for free, though. He is a business man and would charge you for a service call; and, likely, he'd charge you an increased fee because it *is* a holiday. Is he greedy because he will work on this day? Is he greedy because he's taking money and being all capitalistic? Or is he providing a service for which you would be grateful and therefore meeting the needs of his valued customers?

What if the people doing the shopping today aren't all the crazy idiots you're going to see on YouTube tomorrow? What if "Black Friday" (now, apparently, "Black Couple o' Days") is a tradition for them? What if hitting the stores to find the best bargains and make their money go as far as possible is a bonding experience for an aunt and her favorite niece? What if that man has wanted to get those earrings for his wife for three years but just hasn't had the money... until they went on a loss-leader sale that was only for the first three people in line? What if the getting out and the shopping for Christmas is done in genuine excitement for the joy the shopper is going to bring a far-flung friend?

What if going shopping as a family tradition, or even on ones own, because one needs a break from the potential stress of some family interactions, is not morally inferior to however it is some of us choose to spend our Thanksgiving? To going to a football game? To sitting on the couch with a beer or twelve watching a football game? To shooting one's wife to death in the card game Bang! because one needs three more cards and suspects his wife of being an outlaw, but really she's a renegade, and one not only gets no extra cards, but also gets shot to death himself during the next couple of turns, meaning that the outlaws win, and isn't that some sweet justice, sweetheart? To engaging in gluttony in the name of gratitude? Or maybe even to engaging in gluttony as the celebration itself, accidentally eschewing intentional expressions of gratitude? To going as a family to a theme park? To serving at a homeless shelter on a day when volunteers are a dime a dozen and those places need help in the middle of March, too?

I've seen that a lot of people are mad about this. If stores being opened on Thanksgiving ticks you off, then don't go to the store on Thanksgiving. If you feel that there is a morally superior way to express gratitude, then do that. I think we have freedom to let other people do other things and not decry the end of civilization as we know it.

Personally, I don't go to the Black Friday sales because I dislike crowds and waiting in line to check out. But I saw your pictures on Facebook. You moms with your daughters. You dads, reluctant, serving your daughters by taking them. You mall-walkers. And I don't think you're part of any problem.

If someone had to work yesterday and missed their family entirely, and it was the only chance all year they have to be with their family, then I do feel for them. I really do. I also feel for soldiers stationed overseas. For obstetricians whose deliveries took longer than they'd expected. For the guy who had to snake a sewer line because someone's kid flushed a ball down the same toilet that six or seven people used after, but before they realized that there was a problem. We can't all be present for everything we want to do. We miss weddings because we can't take the time off of work. We miss reunions. We miss Christmas because we want to travel and that's when we could get a cheap ticket, so the family celebrates Christmas on Boxing Day. And America and Christianity and gratitude and generosity survive, because, seriously guys, this is what we do.

Why are we so mad?

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving, and if you couldn't spend the actual day with your family, I hope you had another day to celebrate (like I did; my daughter's with her dad, so we did Thanksgiving last week). If you went shopping, then good on you, you crazy people. I had lunch with friends, might or might not be bitter about a card game, went on a walk with my sister, then was home in my fuzzy PJs meaning to have a nightcap but petering out too early.

We are going to a game store for their Black Friday sale today... but we're not in any hurry. And you know what? If someone wishes me "Happy Holidays," I'm going to smile back and thank them and wish them the exact same.

I promise you, no one is trying to take anything away from you guys. This is a free country. We are not being persecuted. To call anything that is happening a "war" on anything is an insult to people who are actually fighting wars. We all need to calm our collective booties down and spread some peace and love, okie doke?

This is a quote from "The Lottery of Birth" and I love it, but can't post it on Facebook because it will be taken as an attack. Still, I want to remember it:

"If you have a society, it's going to have certain roles and certain positions available. That's just inevitably the case. That'll be true forever, as long as we have societies. So, education you can view in one of two ways: You can say that education is this process by which people arrive at the capacity to use their skills and talents maximally and enrich their lives and so on -- a positive view of education. Alternatively, you can say education is a process which prepares people to fit positions in society. It gives them the information and the attitudes, the personalities, the inclinations, the expectations that are consistent with the positions that they are going to fill in society. 

"Now, actually, the second is inevitable, but you want the first. So to have the first, it must be that the positions that people are going to have in society need for people to be their most fulfilled and accomplished and capable selves. But that's not the case for typical societal structures that we now have. So the school system has to teach you to endure boredom. It has to teach you to take orders and to obey. And so that's what it does for 80%.

"So there's a contradiction between fitting the slot and being the best you can be, so to speak. To have good education, to have liberating education, society has to have slots that are for free people, that are for initiating and caring human beings."

Facebook... Fast? More Like a Purge

The week before last, something descended upon me on Friday afternoon. It had been several weeks in coming, and I can pinpoint when it started snowballing the fastest. By the end of the day Friday, it felt like I was ingesting poison. On purpose. And it was all coming off of my Facebook feed. It hit me: "What are you doing to yourself?" and... I inactivated my account.

It was only for three days, but during that time, I cooled off. I figured out how to reset my feed so that I don't see very much when I do log in, which is increasingly rare.

First of all, I want to say that I get that my own Facebook wall can be inconsistent: funny, horrifying, offensive, encouraging, gleeful, and depressing. That's kind of... well, me. And if that doesn't work for you, then you should block me, because I don't want anyone having the kind of soul-crushing anger that was darkening everything for me.

For my own sanity, might I offer some suggestions that one might want to consider before posting things on Facebook, or before transmitting any thoughts or information in a wide-ranging manner? Please?

1) Before you forward that inflammatory (or not) story, infographic, or link, make sure it's true. Barack Obama did not tell a bunch of students not to celebrate July 4. Bill O'Reilly did not criticize Obama's nostril-flares as racist. That was not a contemporary picture of Trayvon Martin; it was a rapper (besides, however you feel about that whole thing, the fact that someone is covered with tattoos, smokes pot, and has bought a gun does not necessarily mean he "deserved" to die at the time and place that he was shot... if you want to make an argument, argue facts of the situation, not circumstantial information).

A guideline here is that if what you're about to post doesn't have a date, or an exact location, or some specific names and is therefore impossible to verify, maybe don't share it. Also, if the only place you can find the story is on either conservative or liberal websites, it's probably not reliable. Especially not if the wording is the exact same everywhere you see it, so that it's obvious someone cut and pasted it the second they saw it and did no research at all.

Also, if your infographic has misspellings and grammar problems, how do you expect the rest of us to take it seriously?

2) If you find out that something you posted was in error, acknowledge the mistake, take it down, and apologize for the error. Seriously, folks, we're all grown-ups here. We all make mistakes. Admitting to those things is a huge step in, you know, being a decent human being. Just saying, "Oh, I found out this was not what I thought it was, but the idea is the same, so I'm leaving it up" shows the absolute worse kind of arrogance and willful ignorance. Besides, if you can't support your point of view with anything that falls within the realm of reality, you might want to reconsider your point of view. Or at least be gracious enough to allow others to have a different one without-- wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

3) Not everyone who believes differently than you do hates you and wants to destroy your way of life. It's entirely possible that you have a dear friend who loves you completely and who is very glad that you are on this planet, but who disagrees with you on a very important (to one or both of you) topic. Rarely are things this cut-and-dried. This goes part-and-parcel with its extension:

4) Not everyone who disagrees with you does so because they are ignorant or evil. Granted, there are some people who have baseless opinions... But to automatically ascribe cultural or parental brainwashing, lack of real-world experience, lack of humanity, nefarious intent, or just outright stupidity to the viewpoint of anyone who disagrees with the opinion you have reached shows a lack of confidence in your own conclusion. If you have a valid reason that you believe what you believe, what threat to you is it that someone else reached a different conclusion? I assume that most people who believe unlike myself have come to their world views based on their experiences, research, and careful thought, just the way that I have. 

If I believe in absolute truth, then there are some viewpoints that cannot coexist. But I'd never walk into one of those serious discussions leading with the condescending thought that "They just don't know any better" or, worse, "They are the antithesis of all that is good in the world." This does not help build bridges, even if you never say it out loud. Harboring this attitude comes through in your manner and it absolutely closes doors.

If you're not a Christian, you can skip to the final paragraph now. I'll put a bunch of stars so you'll know where to start. If you're a Christian, please read on because, seriously, you guys, we can do a lot better. We have to do a lot better.

5) The government of the United States of America is not a Christian institution, and it never has been. Before you try to argue with me, I have studied the Christian roots of the foundation and establishment of our country. I understand that many of the first settlers here came to pursue religious freedom. I get that many of the founding fathers were believers. I also understand that law in general owes a lot to the law of Moses.

I, as a Christian, believe that living life guided by the teachings of the Scripture is superior to any other set of guidelines to which one might ascribe. This is due to my firm belief that the author of life itself knows how we're best set up to operate, and that when I try to figure it out on my own, I make a mess out of things. This is a very personal decision, however. It is not our government's place to force anyone into living according to my Scriptures. Remember that whole "religious freedom" thing? Unless we're hypocrites, that applies to all religions (to the point of its not infringing upon others' rights, like underage/unwilling marriages, human sacrifice, animal cruelty, abuse under the guise of "spiritual leadership," etc.).

For a Christian, the place to have external encouragement to live by Jesus' teachings should be the church, not the government. Trust me, you don't want the government enforcing any religion, even yours. You probably don't agree on every point of your faith with your family members; what are the odds that a behemoth like the government is going to enforce the Scriptures in a way that is appropriate for you?

Regardless, appealing to the historical faith of our Founding Fathers does not mean that our country itself is supposed to be specifically Christian. This is not a theocracy. We are not Israel. We are not even Israel, Jr. God did not call the United States out to himself the way he called and covenanted with Abraham. That is not what's happening here. We say that the Lord has blessed America, but I think that the Lord has blessed us as individuals, and that as individuals, we should be active in our government and in our communities, but not in a bloc.

6) Where are you getting this "stand up for our rights" mentality? I don't understand it. We're all up at arms because "our" rights are being stomped on every day? Who told you to do that? Do you think it honors God to be pissed that the Target greeter doesn't specifically use the word "Christmas"? And to spread the animosity with a snarky post? How does that fall into line with peace-making? Do you think that showing up with signs or shirts with slogans of solidarity ever results in the actual life-change of the Gospel, which we have been assigned to carry forth?

Christianity is not a privileged class, rich with rights to be protected. It is voluntary slavery to the Lord, and to my fellow man, whom I am to love only second to my love for God. It is taking up one's cross every day. It is actually allowing my supposed rights to be violated if it would win one for Christ. It means praying for and loving and serving all, especially those I would tend not to like.

Every positive example we have in the New Testament of what it is to be a Christian is someone who loved others, served God, and endured poor treatment with dignity. No Biblical martyr died with the words, "This is an injustice!" on their lips. It was always a pointing to God. Jesus did not encourage the zealots who would overthrow Rome. He was too busy being focused on loving people the way that God loved them, and telling them as much about his Father as he could while he was alive.

Jesus also begged forgiveness for those who saw to his death. Could any one of us do that? How about show up with water to hand out at a flamboyant gay pride demonstration? Or volunteering to tutor a prison inmate? Or praying for that guy at work who asked your HR supervisor to tell you to take down your religious Easter decorations? Maybe inviting him out to coffee, just to hang out for a while?

We are supposed to love our "enemies" and pray for those who persecute us. If we spend more time with these people, loving them and praying for them, I think it will be impossible to hate them. I think we will learn that they aren't actually our enemies. No person is ever the enemy.

7) Salt and light are both pretty quiet. Yes, we are called to be in the culture, preserving and enhancing it. Do you know how salt works? By getting into food and being salt. It doesn't stay in the spoon and yell at food to be saltier. It does its thing, and what needs to happen happens. But it has to be in there.

Same kind of thing with light. Light always overpowers darkness. You shine a flashlight into a darkened room, and the beam penetrates the darkness. Darkness doesn't have that power (unless it's created by a black hole, which the Bible mentions not so much). Light wins. So if a light is working, it will change the face of the landscape. It doesn't need to make petulant pleas for everything to stop being so stinking dark.

I get it: there is a place for accountability and encouragement toward morality. Might I suggest that that place is in church, in the context of a community of believers, and in interpersonal relationships? Might I suggest that that place is *not* your Facebook wall? You're not responsible for the public-at-large's ethical and moral behavior. If you ever want to be able to have a rational, heart-felt conversation with anyone who feels differently than you do about a given moral issue, I recommend not posting anything that might alienate that person. Which leads us to...

8) In a battle between your First Amendment rights and adhering to the Scriptures, God's Word always wins. You might be tempted to say, "Well, *that side* gets their say; I should get mine, too." Really? You want to match rights with someone whose exercise of that same right irritates you? Let's try this on for size: "I have made myself a slave to all, that I might win the more. And to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the Law, as under the Law, though not being myself under the Law, that I might win those who are under the Law; to those who are without law, as without law, though not being without the law of God but under the law of Christ, that I might win those who are without law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak; I have become all things to all men, that I may by all means save some. And I do all things for the sake of the gospel, that I may become a fellow partaker of it."

Paul wasn't talking about being manipulative. He just meant that he was able to chill out and fit in and not offend people. The Gospel can be offensive enough. We don't need to make it worse."If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

There are some things that are definitely worth fighting for. But real change doesn't happen from your posting vitriolic and argumentative things on your Facebook wall. If you believe in something, *do* something; bullhorns rarely change minds, and your Facebook feed is a digital bullhorn.

9) Do not call the President "stupid." I'm not picking on any one political leaning here; I've heard this word hurled at almost every President we've had since I was aware of what the office is. Never mind the fact that, agree with the guy (and maybe lady, in the future) or not, I personally believe that a person has to possess certain baseline of cleverness or keenness or intelligence to get that far in the political world.

Again, you're free to express opinions against the policies a President supports, or even personal views that he (or she) holds. I think it helps your case in a big way if you can avoid emotional histrionics and name-calling and stick with facts, reason, logic, and research. This holds true for anyone, regardless of faith.

However, for a Christian, calling someone "stupid" like this is especially egregious. "[A]nyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell." Okay, so you say, "This is talking about other disciples, and I don't buy that *fill in the blank* is a Christian." Then there's this: "Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment." There is a place for civil disobedience, for being opposed to policy, etc. But there is no excuse to disrespect our President. I see this most often happening by my elders, and it embarrasses me.

There are a lot of youngsters on Facebook, and their seeing people who should be able to conduct themselves as adults condescending to "poopyhead" is permission for them to be disrespectful. There's no excuse to be disrespectful in behavior toward anyone else, even if we privately do not respect them. Our behavior is our choice, and I don't believe that we, as Christians, have any excuse to stoop to ugliness.

10) The devil is not responsible for every less-than-ideal thing that happens. Sometimes, a storm is just a storm, a traffic jam is just a traffic jam, and frustration is just a part of every day life. Satan is not attacking you all of the time. He is not omnipresent. He is not omnipotent. You might just be having a random bad day. It happens. Besides, what you call "bad" might be good; you don't see the big picture. Please stop ascribing more power to the devil than he has.

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Facebook should be fun. It's fun for me; I love posting weird and funny things. I adore keeping up with my friends. I love to see your summer vacations, your favorite recipes, thought-provoking articles you've read, what's going on with your kids, things that break your heart. I love all of that.
What I can not tolerate are lies, ugliness, lazy arguments, bigotry, sweeping assumptions, and the like.
I am responsible for my own reactions, for my own responses. And what I've learned in the past few weeks is that I am apparently not mature enough yet always to let these things slide off of me. Maybe I expect better from my friends. Maybe I see something in these posts that reminds me of myself and that I find unbearably repulsive. Whatever it is, until I can manage my response more maturely, I'm having to block a lot of stuff from my feed.
Please, if I post things that cause this kind of recoiling in you, let me know. Hold me accountable! I don't shy away from controversy, but I would hope that anything I would share might be controversial in nature, but respectfully presented. And if not, it needs to come down.