Melting Down

Yesterday was Father's Day. In the morning, we'd gotten out our "ironing bead" set for Mal to make something for James.

Mal used the beads to make this all by himself in December 2020. It's the universe.

He'd decided to make a heart, but was having a difficult time actually shaping a heart. So I told him that I would do the outline, and he could fill it in and decorate the rest of the form; then I would iron it, of course.

He added about a half-dozen beads, then left the project. A couple of times throughout the day, I asked him if he wanted to finish it up so I could iron it, but he said he'd do it in the break after church and before he went to the park for a play date. (Our church meets at 4 PM and his friend was going to be at the park around 8 PM... hey, it's really hot in Texas right now, and this is one of the only acceptable times to be outdoors doing movement.)

On the way home from church, Mal remembered his project. He said, "Mom, you're going to have to help me finish it." I told him I was going to iron it. He said, "No, you have to help me put the beads on. I can't do it." I said, "Sure you can. And the gift is from YOU, so you need to do it. I made Dad some tin roof sundae ice cream, and tomorrow morning, I'm making some pumpkin French toast that he wants. Those are my gifts."

Mal got very upset and said, "YOU HAVE TO HELP ME! I'd rather DIE than do it!" I told him that if he were that stressed about it, that he could just not do it and it would be fine. But he insisted that he needed to give his dad something and that it was my responsibility to make sure it got done.

When we got home, he kept bugging me about it, and said he wanted to ask his dad for his opinion. James was outside working on the back lot, but when he got back in, Mal quietly mentioned that he wanted me to finish this project, and wasn't James on his side?

Mal was both surprised and disappointed that James didn't agree with him. But he decided to start on adding more beads. He was complaining to me that he couldn't find any more pink beads. Then he said that he thought the heart was misshapen and he could take 3 beads off of the top of one of the halves and it would look better. After he did that, he realized that it looked very lopsided. So his fix for that was to start over. He dumped the tray off, throwing the beads back into the box. Making the heart in the first place hadn't been easy, and I guess my face conveyed the shock I felt.

He started yelling, "That was YOUR FAULT! All you had to do was say yes you'd help me. But you said no, so YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DID THAT!" 

Mal has this thing about blaming other people for situations he's in. We talk to him about it a lot, and it's very difficult for him. Sometimes, he tries. Sometimes, he'll say, "I want to take responsibility for my actions, so that was my fault." But it has to be low stakes. If it's important to him, negative occurrences are never because of his own decisions.

While he was complaining, James came back into the room. Again, Mal mentioned that he'd rather die than do the thing alone. As I had before, James calmly told him that if he was that stressed about it, he just shouldn't do it and it would be fine. Mal screamed, "But I want to give you something for Father's Day!"

Mal cried, then he kept repeating, "Mom, this is all because of YOU. You were being so mean, and you wouldn't help me, and YOU are the reason that we have to start all over!"

He said it so many times, and I was so tired for him and for me, that I said, "Mal, you need to stop talking about it."

Something snapped. He started shaking and yelled through clenched teeth, "YOU. MAKE. ME. SO. MAD!" He got up from the table and started for his room. "That's it! I am so mad right now, I want to hurt you! You don't care about me, and I don't care about you! I regret every time I told you I love you! I'm going to slam my door, and I'm going to lock it!"

He did slam his door and lock it. Then he yelled from inside, "I'm not even sorry I did that!" A moment later, he opened his door and said, "I am sorry, God, for saying this, but Mom, I hate you! I hate you so much and I am NEVER going to deal with you again!" Then he slammed it again.

He was in there for about 10 minutes and came back out. He was crying and yelling. I tried to go hug him, but he pushed me away and said, "NO! I don't want you!" But then he just started crying like a baby again. I approached him to hug him, and this time, he leaned in and hugged me back. Then he went back in his room and would issue a scathing diatribe every few minutes. 

Fortunately, James took him to the park pretty soon after, and I put the beads away so it wouldn't be a visual reminder.

When they got home, I told Mal that I was very glad he felt free to express his feelings when he was mad. But I also told him that no matter how much he might want to hurt someone when he's mad, he can't do it. I told him not only was is just a bad thing but that it was assault and against the law. He was all breezy and saying, "Oh, of course not. I'm not stupid!" 

It was so intense, and I feel out of my depth for how to help him handle those big feelings. He cries almost every day about SOMETHING, and he often gets SO mad at me for what he thinks are injustices I enact upon him. James and I both try to let him know that we love him no matter what, and in calmer times try to explain to him why the way he's operating isn't sustainable... but, man... parenting is HARD, y'all.

The EnvironmentTM

Can I be grumpy for a moment? 

There are times when I'm throwing away some shipping filler and feel very very guilty about how much trash we generate. We try. We have made a bunch of small and also some huge life changes to try to adjust downwardly our family's affect on the environment. We try to minimize our consumption of products that have a high carbon footprint, or are non-renewable resources.

And I feel guilty and overwhelmed about it. A lot.

We have already committed not to flying or cruising until they figure out a more environmentally-friendly way to do that. We buy lots of cleaning and soap products that are concentrated so we refill glass or metal containers instead of buying plastic cartons of detergent, all-purpose cleaners, and other household items. Now that electric cars are old enough to be in the $15,000 range, we plan to buy those next time we need vehicles (but we'll drive ours into the ground, first; environmentally-friendly, yes... but also cheapskate). We try to run bulk errands and stay home as much as possible. I try only to buy clothes second-hand, for myself and for the kids. We keep our a/c at 76 (we'd leave it at 78 but the house is drafty) and our heater at 67. We are trying to build a smaller, more well-insulated home using recycled or low-impact materials, like the 18 cypress beams James bought from a 200-year-old home that was dismantled; or cob that is made from straw, dirt, and water...

Then I drive around and see these 5000-square-foot houses being built just up the road from us. They pull down every tree and pave everything. (Click here if you want to read an alarming article about concrete. We're going to try to do a rock foundation, or a combination of rocks and bags filled with road base.) Then they build houses using stick-framing, and make them much larger than most people actually need. Why do 4 people need hundreds of square feet each? Even if you entertain occasionally? I don't get it.

Why do businesses continue to pack things in plastic? We try to separate for recycling, but only 9% of it actually is recycled. 

Why do I, personally, feel such a strong responsibility to care for the environment in the face of increased catastrophic weather events, knowing that the poorest of our fellow earth-dwellers are losing their homes and dying while the rest of us are temporarily spared the greatest impact... but people in our government still yell, "But jobs!" when faced with our imploring to DO SOMETHING? Who cares about the jobs you save if everyone drowns in 30 years?

It is tempting just to keep going as per usual and not worry about it, since I can't affect real change. It's tempting to decide not to think or worry about it. But I know that's not the answer either. I'm not sure what else we should be doing to encourage big polluters to stop. I HATE that people are demanding remote workers go back into overly-cooled offices, driving more and adding more carbon to the atmosphere. It's all just so... overwhelming. And it feels hopeless when over-consumption is still de rigueur.

Then there's the whole thing where housing is too expensive, but no one wants to change building codes to allow for higher-density affordable housing. And some people own two or three or more homes, just for vacations... It's just such a callous treatment of the limited resources we have available to us. And I'm pissed about it, but I also feel impotent. Anyone else??