Cancer Scare(ier)

Two years ago when I was getting multiple biopsies to try to ascertain whether or not I had cancer in my neck, I wasn't that fussed about it. Either I did or I didn't, and if I did, then it was a simple matter of removing it surgically and maybe having some targeted iodine radiation if it looked like it had spread.

I was confident in my care team and just didn't think about it too much.

About a year after my surgery, my endocrinologist ordered a follow-up DEXA scan (to make sure my post-surgery efforts were indeed regrowing bone) and a neck ultrasound (to make sure everything was out). I told her that I simply could not afford imaging since we lost our health insurance. She understood.

I spoke with her for the second time since my surgery this week, and she said she was aware that I was unable to get imaging, but that there is also one lab that she's ordered twice and that I have not gotten since my thyroid was removed two years ago.

The reason I haven't had this test done is semi-complicated. She is sending lab requests to Quest but because I don't have insurance and instead pay out of pocket for my labs, I actually have to use a third party company (Ulta Labs). I go to their site, find the tests she wants me to have done, and buy them myself so that by the time I show up for the blood draw (Quest only charges Ulta $12 for this, and I can't see how they stay afloat!), everything's already paid for.

The issue here is two-fold: 1) The tests on the website aren't always called exactly what the doctor calls them. 2) Me. I'm the other problem. I'm not a medical professional so I'm trying to read the description of the tests and match them as closely as possible to what she wants. Stuff like a CBC with differential or a lipid panel is pretty straightforward. But is free T4 different than T4? I... don't know the answer to that and it seems like I should be an expert by now!

So... I haven't had a thyroglobulin test since my surgery. I've had several thyroglobulin antibody tests, and those have been negative (which is great; I shouldn't have Hashimoto's if I don't have a thyroid!). I thought that those tests meant we were in the clear. But no. She said neck ultrasound and thyroglobulin levels are how she makes sure we don't have a recurrence of cancer.

I finally understood and paid for the test she's been wanting all of this time. I had it done yesterday.

I'm pretty sure I'm fine, but the thought that I could have "persistent papillary thyroid cancer" (which happens in 10-30% of papillary thyroid cancer patients) hits different than it did the first time for one single reason: We no longer have health insurance.

James got laid off 5 days before my surgery in May 2024, but our coverage extended into August. It was over $60,000 and we did not pay a penny because we'd already hit our deductible for the year.

If I required further surgery and likely follow-up iodine radiation, I'm not sure what we'd do. It would be even more expensive. It would be a bankrupting-level expense.

Today at our library group, my friend pointed out that of the 48 countries represented at the World Cup, the United States is the only country that does not have universal healthcare. 

For me, the fear associated with finding out "it's back" isn't for my health. It's still a very survivable cancer. But it is how our lives would change when we were personally responsible for such an astronomical sum, especially adding in the nuclear imaging and all of the other pre-surgical stuff I had done before.

Fortunately, my lab results came back today and my thyroglobulin level is .1 which is practically zero; it will likely be 0 in another year or so. This is really good, especially since I'm no longer on a suppressing level of synthetic thyroid hormone (which I was for a year to try to prevent any residual tissue from growing).

Additionally, my surgeon is someone who has done tens of thousands of parathyroid/thyroid surgeries and I trust her completely. She took out a few lymph nodes for testing, and neither they nor my errant parathyroid were cancerous; it was just the thyroid. She said she thinks the inflammation from Hashimoto's almost made a little "wrapper" that kept the cancer isolated.

I've been fortunate. 

But it makes me mad that we're expected to rely on fortune, luck, the grace of any god, or our bootstraps to maintain our health. 

Elon Musk has just become the world's first trillionaire. No one should accumulate that much money. Especially when, if he just paid a fair share in taxes, we could absolutely use some of HIS fortune to improve the lives of hundreds of thousands of estadounidenses (I wish we had an English word for this). 

I guess keep your fingers (and toes) crossed for me that it doesn't come back or that it holds out until I qualify for Medicare in 12 years! And that Medicare is still around. Also Social Security. And please vote for a candidate who aligns with your wellbeing in the next election. I mean you, non-oligarch-level-rich person. Thanks.

What is the opposite of Body Dysmorphia?

I remember seeing a picture of what body dysmorphia is a long time ago. Basically, there are multiple line drawings of a person, the same person, from extremely trim to very portly. An eating disorder care provider shows the picture to a patient and asks them to point to the one that looks the most like them. For someone who has body dysmorphia, they will inevitably select a representation that is three or so sizes larger than they actually are. That is how they see themselves, even in the mirror, even when reality is something else entirely.

I have had a disordered relationship with eating and exercise, but sometimes I think I have the opposite of "dysmorphia." When I was growing up, I never "felt fat" (which isn't a real thing, but you get what I mean) before I heard that I was fat from other people. 

Taking a bath with my cousins: "You're as fat as my mom."

Sitting behind a classmate on a van for a field trip in junior high and accidentally hitting the back of his head as I moved some stuff around, then apologizing only to be told: "You're so fat."

Bagging groceries at 16 years old: "Oh, are you expecting?! I worked at a grocery store when I was pregnant with my first."

And it got to me. I remember standing in front of my parents' bathroom mirror (because it was bigger than mine,) and puffing out my stomach, looking at my reflection and saying, "I hate you. You're so gross." 

But the thing is... I didn't hate myself. I thought I was really cool, funny, and smart. It really never occurred to me until it happened (over and over) that someone might not be interested in me because of how my body looked.

And yet: "She's too much woman for me." "You have to pull it together; you're about 50 pounds overweight." "We can be friends, but I'm just not physically attracted to you."

This worked, and by "worked," I mean that it got me to lose weight multiple times in my life. But I still always always thought, "If this person would get to know me, I think I could win them over because of how I am. I'm pretty awesome!" 

(Incidentally, the same person who told me he wasn't physically attracted to me came around months later, apologized for saying that -- I'd given him a talking to about how rude it was -- and said he actually DID find me attractive... but fortunately, I was old enough to have some self-respect and wasn't interested in him.)

Furthermore, when I look in the mirror, I like what I see. I think I look great most of the time. Sometimes, I'll see a picture that makes me go, "Yeesh," which I think is a normal human experience. But I think I'm cute. I identify as "fat" (specifically "small fat" since I can buy clothes in non-"extended" sizing, but only barely and not certain brands) because I think my BMI is in the "overweight" category (though I haven't weighed in more than a decade) and clothing sizes tell me I'm big... but I don't, again, this isn't a real thing, "feel fat." 

This is probably because I'm extremely fortunate genetically. My parents both have long-lived parents and grandparents, and we just hit the lottery that way. Diabetes doesn't run on either side. Heart issues are sprinkled around, but neither of my parents has heart disease. I haven't developed arthritis yes, and I didn't do the kind of youth sports that would come back to haunt me as an adult. I have been lucky enough to mostly be able to afford the healthcare I need to stave off problems (though I *do* need a neck ultrasound and a DEXA scan, and have for 2 years... I'm just glad we still had insurance to get my thyroid and parathyroid removed before the coverage ran out!). 

So the fact that I can get up and go and do whatever I want to do, with my body being pretty darn reliable, means I don't have complaints that make doctors suggest that losing weight might help. None of my doctors since I've been an adult has suggested weight loss or dietary changes, regardless of my weight at the time of care.

All of this means that it just surprises the crap out of me when people ask if I'm pregnant (the last time this happened when I wasn't actually pregnant was about 15 years ago; now I probably look too old for that to be a possibility). Or that I'm too shocked to respond when a family member found out how much Mal weighed at birth and said, "What?! You mean I carried a heavier baby than YOU did?!" (She was 5 days postpartum, so I gave her some grace but... holy crap, it's okay to think things and not say them out loud.)

I also want to state that I think fat people ARE cute. I know that fat people are healthy and active and, in fact, a lot more active than I am (fat marathoners, I see you... from the stands and support you but that couldn't be me). I also know that a lot of people can't achieve whatever "healthy" means because of disability or access to medical care or chronic health issues. And those things can happen to anyone regardless of size.

But my point is that there is a disconnect somewhere that I am so absolutely shocked and appalled when someone looks at my body and then makes a comment that does not align with my own experience of myself, and it's jarring. 

Anyway, thanks for coming to my Dear Diary session. Have a great weekend!

Fourteen years ago...

 

... a photographer and incredibly talented acquaintance from D's gym, Gabrielle, offered to do a photoshoot with me. She also wanted to style me, fix my hair, and do my makeup. She brought some stuff (including this floofy skirt) and looked through my closet (the shirt and shoes) and came up with three looks, changing makeup and hair for each. It was a fun few hours, and it really meant a lot to me.

I knew at that point that I was going to leave Sherman, and it was a neat little bow to put on the end of my time there.

When I look at these pictures, which include a bunch taken around my RV and in the park where I lived, I can remember exactly how I felt, why I was leaving, what my heart ached for, and what a "dead end" sign seemed to be posted on the road to where I believed my happiness lay. 

This was a world without Mal in it. A world where I'd spent the past year and a half of my life trying to get my church, my world, to approve of me. A world where James was just a guy I'd had a crush on in high school. A world where I could not imagine where my only (at the time) child would take me over the next decade.

In this picture, it seems like I'm looking back and resting for a minute before embarking on a whole new life: moving to Austin, growing my family, finding a community in a tiny town I never heard of before we came to look at a house I saw online. 

I'm not friends with ANYONE from those days. I'm not in touch with a soul from Sherman. I cannot see how any of my acquaintances would fit into my world anymore. After trying so hard to jam my square peg into the round hole I desperately wanted in, I cannot imagine something that sounds worse to me now. 

As always, onward and upward.

Old Work

Looking for an old apartment where I used to live, I happened across two articles that I'd written for the magazine Travel Weekly 20 years ago! The first one was about renting a houseboat on Lake Mead and the other one is about Las Vegas for kids. 

The digital format seems to have erased a bunch of the punctuation, which is weird.

The biggest thing I remember about writing these was that Travel Weekly paid $.25 per word for their articles ($.43 in today's money), which was easily 4 or 5 times what other outlets were willing to shell out. I remember being so giddy when one of the articles was about 900 words, because that was an absolute fortune to me, and the most I'd ever made writing at the time. 

I've gotten paid more for other pursuits since then, but writing about traveling to Las Vegas was my favorite thing I've done. Local bank commercials and sports reality show pilots weren't nearly as enjoyable for me.

I wanted to save these links, so I am posting here. Thanks for being my diary, journal!

Why do I keep turning down work?!

As you know, we need moolah! 

Twice within the past month, I have been offered work. Paid work!

And twice I have turned it down.

WHY?

I literally applied for that job at the library. I'm not afraid of work. Believe it or not, I've worked before!

Technically, this wasn't a job; it was a volunteer thing. But I worked!

But I didn't take either of these opportunities because I realized that I really just don't have time for a steady gig right now.

The first one was something that I could have done from home, but it would have required many hours of intense concentration, and it's a challenge to get that in my house. D has a room, Mal has a room, James has an office. I do have a bedroom, but I share it with James and it's kind of open for business when anyone wants to hang out. I don't really have a space where I can put up a "do not disturb" sign and get things done. So I had to turn down the opportunity for a gig in the writing field. I just wasn't confident that I could give it my best.

Then the other one was something here in town, walkable like the library, but would require a couple of full days per week. It was flexible; I could pick what days worked for me. But we have things almost every day of the week and, ironically, I've lined up even more stuff over the summer when Mal's friends are often out of pocket, and when some things like open gym take a break until the fall. He's still young enough that I need to be around at least somewhat during the day. And James's schedule is so random that we can't plan for me to work when he's off; we never know what that will be until a couple of weeks in advance.

I guess this means we're not desperate yet? I do have three mystery shops tomorrow, which is the most I've had in one day in YEARS. We'll get three free meals, and then there are actually shopper fees on top of that. That used to be the norm, but I guess the market is such that companies can basically say, "You'll eat this free food and you'll be freaking grateful!" until they can't get jobs scheduled and are willing to throw more money at it. 

I am also doing gimmicky things like opening a new credit card to get a bunch of on-board cash for the cruise so we save $300 on gratuities. It's not income, but it prevents outgo, so that's kind of the same thing, right? And it's not taxable! Huzzah! My credit score is suffering a bit, but it will rebound.

Adventures in gardening

I do not have a green thumb. I have never been able to grow stuff. But through trial and error, I have some mostly successful plants in our house, and a variety of trees and shrubs in the yard. These have come alongside many failures.

For instance, right now I have several pears growing out on the pear tree I planted in 2021. But we got 4 different apple trees that died one at a time (there have to be two for them to cross-pollinate) until after a few years, we gave up.

I also have a fig tree, Texas chaste tree, and mountain laurel that all seem to be thriving. However, the lavender that was doing so great in the pot that I needed to move it just did not like being planted in the ground. Same with a different really pretty purple plant that refused to root in the yard. Who nows why.

My philosophy is "If you can make it, great. If you require too much input from me, you're not the plant for this environment."

I have grown everything so far from sapling. I also killed a tiny pecan tree I put in the ground, and have never been able to get lantana to take. But my neighbor gave me honeysuckle that I expect to more than double in size every few months, just based on how it's been going since it warmed up. 

This is my first foray into seed-sprouting. I have so many seeds in my freezer, waiting until the "right" time to plant them. One is my favorite pride of Barbados, but I'm so scared I'll mess it up that I haven't yet made an attempt.

However, we were recently out and about the Hill Country and I saw a beautiful Goldenball Leadtree that had an embarrassment of dry seed pods hanging off of it. I took one and brought it home.

James did a lot of internet sleuthing for me, and we decided that the best way to set up for success was scuffing the seeds a bit in one area to thin out the shell, soaking them on a damp sponge in a plastic bag over night, then planting them one per trough in a cardboard egg carton.

I put 9 seeds in on Monday afternoon, and by Tuesday morning, we had a sprout! I got overly-eager and put that sprout in a pot, but it stopped growing and I accidentally broke it so we'll count that as a successful sprout that got deaded due to human error.

Yesterday, Wednesday, four more had come up.

Having learned my lesson, I left those alone and this is what they looked like this morning, Thursday.

I'm going to leave these until they grow "true" leaves and then just cut the trough off and plant the whole thing in a pot instead of trying to extricate the sprout. At that point, we'll leave it outside at night to get it used to nature. Then we'll see how it goes from there.

Later, I'll put them in pretty big pots and leave them outside to plant in the ground early next spring. This is what I did with the Texas chaste tree my neighbor gave me, and it worked a lot better than putting such a small tree into the ground like I did with the pecan.

I'm hoping to get one good tree in the ground from these seeds, and I'm pretty hopeful at least one will survive. What James read online was that we could expect 1/4 to sprout, but for us, 6/9 sprouted! (And, yes, we have 5/9 now because of me.)

I've learned to ask online before I try to buy pots, because lots of people have pots sitting around they're willing to part with. Can't wait to see what happens with our babies!

The benefit of no one I know in my every day life reading my blog...

... is that I can share exciting stuff here that I do not want to share in my daily life for reasons that will make sense later.

The first thing is that I got a gig offer that I actually turned down. It was to do an editorial letter after reading a work of literary fiction. It would have been a respectable amount of money, but I'm afraid that my personal bias against "overly" (to me) artistic prose would be difficult to get around, plus I'm not 100% confident that I have the time to dedicate to such an in-depth reading, notes, and writing everything... plus my second-guessing about having been told my feedback is "harsh." Shrug.

All of that to say that none of that is what this post is about. It's about something else, but in case my younger child happened to take a peek (he has done this before), I wanted to bore him so he'd stop reading.

What this IS about is that picture up there: budget stuff. But FUN budget stuff.

As you know, if you know my family, my younger kid LOVES cruising and wants to cruise all of the time. His friend went on a cruise the week before we went to Mexico, and I was glad he wasn't going to see her much before we left, because he would definitely have had FOMO and maybe not enjoyed our trip as much.

We're definitely putting the kibosh on extensive travel like our trips to Canada, California, and Mexico. We won't be flying for a long time. James can't take that much time off from his newish job. 

However.

I found a great deal on a ship with a line we haven't tried yet, and it leaves shortly after Christmas, so we decided to get this for Mal's gift (and ours!).

I have some money-saving plans, too! That is what's exciting to me at the moment.

First of all, when I booked, we got $100 on-board credit. Second, yesterday I got approved for a credit card that will allow me $300 in on-board credit when I spend a proscribed amount (which will be no problem). This will take care of our gratuities!

Third, there is a website where I can buy gift cards for a percentage off, so I'll finish paying in the fall with those. It will save us a couple hundred dollars.

Finally (for now), there is a place we like in Galveston where we just haven't gotten around to staying yet, and they have free parking for the entire cruise! This will save us over two-hundred dollars, as well!

One last thing I will mention is that I noticed in some online menus that the main dining room seems to have a cold fruit soup every night! No pavlova, as that seems to have gone the way of the dinosaurs (our most recent cruise was the only time I've been on a ship and not had pavlova; alas, that is the trend). But I adore fruit soup! Don't tell me it's just a smoothie, either, or I'll have to start throwing hands.

Okay, so keep this secret, will you? Thanks!