COVID hits home

On Friday afternoon, January 15, Mal and I decided to drive up to Temple to visit Nana and Pappy and spend the night. We stopped about 15 minutes outside of town for Mal to use the very nice Bell County Safety Rest Stop, at which time I messaged Nana that we were almost there.

When we arrived, Nana and Pappy were watching Chance while Ken and Sarah, who had just had lunch with my parents, were helping Hannah pack up her stuff to move out of the apartment of doom. Nana asked me, "Did you see my text?" Since I'd been driving, I had not.

Unbeknownst to Ken and Sarah, TJ had been exposed to COVID from a manager at work, and they'd called all of the employees in for rapid testing. He was positive.

We were in the house for maybe six minutes before I'd booked a hotel and we turned right around and left. Chance was having enough fun that he didn't really care, though Mal was pretty upset at first. Once he realized we'd be overnighting in a hotel, though. Malcolm perked right up.

He'd just gotten a new (to him) skateboard and was pleased to experiment.

Over the next week, several people started showing symptoms, and in end end, Hannah, Sarah, Kenzie's boyfriend, Mom (Nana) and Dad (Pappy) all tested positive for COVID. My dad hasn't had any symptoms; Sarah's have mimicked cedar fever except that she lost her sense of taste and smell; Tian probably got it but hasn't been tested, and same for Chance. Mom has had a cough, chapped lips, sore throat, cough, fatigue, chills, and some loss of taste and smell.

Last night, my dad took my mom to the hospital for tests, just because her oxygen had been in the low 90s for the most part, and she was just so tired. They were there for about 5 hours, then she was released.

It looks like my family is largely experiencing the mild version of this virus that will likely have killed half a million Americans by the end of the month. We're fortunate.

Mal and I seem to have gotten out in time; neither of us has had any symptoms whatsoever.

It looks like we might be plateauing on COVID as a country, but we're on what I would call a very high butte at this time. The vaccine has been in circulation for a few weeks, but distribution and administration is not the well-oiled machine of our ideals. Still, there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel, even if that end is still months away.

I have been absolutely baffled in the past couple of months about the way some people are conducting their lives.

I have a friend who has basically not wanted her kids to wear masks at all this whole past year. She got a job in a nearby town and was happy to move because "They are just living their lives as if the virus doesn't exist." She was planning Halloween costumes and excited about "regular" trick-or-treating because "I just want my kids to have a normal childhood."

While I understand the impulse, in a way, this is NOT a "normal" time. We're living through it together. There are teaching opportunities all around.

We had a GREAT Halloween, even though it wasn't "regular."

Our city usually has trunk-or-treating, but instead had a drive-in movie and gave each person a goodie bag of movie snacks.

Whereas a "normal" holiday might have melted into Mal's memories, this was SPECIAL. He'll remember it.

Then when actual Halloween rolled around, we went to my parents' house and handed out candy to trick-or-treaters using remote control cars for distancing.

Kids loved it, parents loved it. Mal was a little frustrated that he couldn't keep up with demand, but ended up having a good time.

We've had several "not normal" little road trips this past year, where we went places we could sight-see outdoors, get take-out for consumption in parks, and just enjoy a change of scenery.

"Normal" would be nice, but I don't think that sugar-coating reality is great for your kids. Even Mal's birthday, which was NUTS, was fun. We rented a bounce-house and he had one friend (and any siblings) over every day for 3 days, and then his cousins came one day. 

Although Mal's certainly bought into the "2020 sucks!" stuff he's seen online, I don't think he'll look back on this past year as particularly terrible. McDonald's PlayPlace is probably what he misses most. We can't pretend away that it's just not open and available right now. But we CAN find alternatives, and I think we've done a pretty good job.

Then one of the rare times that an unschooling board slipped into "politics" (it was actually a question about chicken pox, which led to a discussion of vaccines, which led to a discussion about COVID), one lady responded: "It seems to be all a compliance drill. I haven't seen a pandemic at all. Less annual deaths than years past. No flu anymore. Seems like a mild flu replacement hyped up by the government and media and to what end I have no idea. We'll see." Uh. When I pointed out to her that "not seeing" a pandemic is hurtful to people who have dealt with it, lost family members, etc. she responded with this: "[W]e clearly have different perspectives. I don't think anyone's suffering should be the responsibility of others. I see health, healing, pain and suffering as each individual's personal journey through growth or stagnation. I believe there is covid and Corona viruses. I have seen the effects and know people effected. I see it as a cold or flu that can cause autoimmune attacking effects that cause blood clots to form and lack of cellular oxygen absorption. Did you know that Corona viruses have been around for several years and they were considered a cold or flu before event 201 when bill and melinda fence foundation decided its time to change our world and practiced and prepared for this current situation that changed the status of the prior/ past Corona virus to be a mass hysteria hype to give people a fear based motivation to do what they dictate? I choose a different path. I was simply offering an alternate perspective above. No harm done. No need for you to tell me what to believe. You do you and I'll do me. Let's agree to disagree. Blessings and peace to you!"

When I forwarded this to my best Vegas friend, my brief commentary included so many expletives that she thought my phone had been hacked! But, really... I can't even begin to go into all of the levels of wrong in her missive. And I can't imagine living a life in which you don't feel some responsibility to alleviate the suffering of others, if it's within your power to do so. I'm just flummoxed by this outlook. Clearly.

We're not the folks who have literally stayed in their homes since March (there are those people, and I sympathize with them, especially if they are or live with vulnerable people). When the weather is nice, James goes out to breakfast on Sunday morning and eats on the restaurant's patio. We've eaten at places like Mandola's and Lucy's and Hat Creek Burgers, where they have outdoor dining and a playground. Mal and I go to the lake multiple times a month. We've even started going back to Urban Air, as they seem to be doing a great job with their COVID protocols. 

He's seriously the only child on this entire playscape.

As I mentioned, we've gone on a few adventures. We've gone to non-essential stores like Hobby Lobby or Bricks and Minifigs. We're cautious but not scared. We're living our lives in the balance between safety and joy. 

I understand that other people have different risk tolerances than I do, but was still shocked this weekend to see that the community theater in which I was involved has had a couple of shows this season already and is planning two more, then a big musical in June. They do seem to require masks in the audience, and are spacing seating. They also offer streaming tickets to folks who aren't comfortable with being in the theater. But the actors aren't distanced or wearing masks! And I know many of the actors; they have families! 

It might be a geopolitical thing: where I live now is more liberal, and therefore more serious about public health with regards to COVID. I was going to say that maybe they're not having the same virus load we are, but just compared their positive tests to population and it's very similar. In fact, on January 22, their new cases were .06% of their county's population, whereas here, our new cases are .056%. 

My church hasn't met in almost a year. I guarantee that we won't until all people have had a chance to be vaccinated. We don't go to movies. We have eaten inside of a restaurant twice since the pandemic started, and it was early on. Now that the growing percentage of cases are from a more contagious strain? We'll just take it easy until we can get our jabs.

Seeing that people have been back in church since the spring, that their kids are in school, and that life is pretty much proceeding as per usual for so many is something around which I simply cannot wrap my head. 

We're so close. I don't want anyone else dying (or developing permanent tissue damage, or long-term symptoms).

Examining My Beliefs, Why I Believe Them, and What Effect Do They Have on My (and Everyone Else's) Life...

More than 5 years ago, back when I was still very active on social media, a girl with whom I went to high school had "unfriended" me. I thought maybe she was just paring back to friends she only knew in real life or something, but she kept interacting with my husband's infrequent posts, even ones in which I was tagged. So I messaged her. I wanted to know what had happened. She was gracious enough to be brutally honest.

"Look, I like you as a person." We'd seen each other at our 20th reunion a few years prior. "And I want to be able to talk to you and enjoy you whenever I see you again, so I had to stop seeing your Facebook feed. We just think so differently, and I don't need to know."

If I remember correctly, one of the things (actually, the only thing I can recall) that we discussed rather heatedly was molecules-to-man evolution. At the time, I didn't really think there was much evidence of it. She has a degree in biology, maybe? And said that she couldn't discuss this with me because I didn't really understand how cells and evolution worked. But she was interested in James's take on it, even though he didn't study biology, either. I mean, I get it. He's scary smart about everything. But it still made me more than a little miffed... not helped by the fact that James had a crush on her before I met either of them.

So now... I don't care enough to argue about evolution, nor do I have ANY actual knowledge to back up a position. At the time, I was deep into Ken Ham's Answers In Genesis take on biblical inerrancy, and I no longer think that's necessary or even particularly helpful to the cause of Christianity. Additionally, I no longer think of Christianity as a "cause" to be advanced. Or defended. Or something to which I need to "win over" anyone. And finally, eight years into this marriage (almost... I guess I'm taking the next 2.5 months for granted), I'm secure enough not to feel resentful toward anyone James used to or still does care for.

On the off chance that Cresha or anyone who knows her still reads this, please pass along my apologies for being such a pain in the ass to her, and tell her I'd love to hear from her because I can only imagine that we agree on MANY other things now. Also, I admire her for using James's academic achievement as her motivation to excel. I'd have been too intimidated.

For some historical context to this blog post, let's note that on Wednesday, what DC Capitol Police believed was to be a "free speech" protest against the certifying of the Electoral College results of the 2020 Presidential election turned into something else entirely when a group stormed the Capitol, were both let in and also broke windows and stuff to get in (guess those folks didn't get the memo?), made a mess and stole stuff, and were eventually escorted out by police. There were about 50 arrests the day of, and several dozen since.

Five people have died so far: One 16-year Air Force veteran and QAnon conspiracy believer was shot as she attempted to step through the broken window in the door of the Speaker's Lobby, as police were yelling, "Get back!" because the representatives were hunkered down in the next room. One man, I believe, fell as he was climbing a wall to breach the Capitol building. One lady, ironically draped in a "Don't Tread on Me" yellow flag, was trampled to death (according to a friend; Capitol Police said she expired in the rotunda and could not be revived).  A Capitol Police officer later succumbed to an injury after having been hit in the head with a fire extinguisher. One man had a heart attack amidst the chaos. Another had a stroke.

Like much of this year, the whole thing is very shocking and sad. COVID19 wasn't enough of an enemy for us, I guess. We had to fracture further and turn on each other.

For much of the year, virus mitigation was relegated to a matter of personal freedom, as people balked against stay-home orders, social distancing, small group gatherings, and mask-wearing. People who claim to love a prophet who said the second greatest commandment was to "love others as you love yourself" pushed back against being inconvenienced by wearing a couple of layers of cloth over their breathe holes because DOBBY IS A FREE ELF. Also, "they're all old and they're going to die anyway," and "government is training us to do what they say because wow wearing a mask is really persecution," and MUH FREEDOM.

I have opinions, too. Have you guessed?

I've heard a few interesting podcasts and read some articles lately. Here's an interesting episode of "Hidden Brain." This is both the transcript and the audio. It's about how we think we know why we believe what we believe, and that we trust that we've gathered information and come to an independent conclusion... but that we are actually just not able to access all of the subconscious things that play into our impressions and decisions: "the introspection illusion."

One reason I'm able to have some empathy for people who think and feel completely oppositely from the way that I do is that I remember thinking like that and feeling like that. Why did my thoughts and feelings change? I might want to fool myself that it was some growth on my part, but I know better. I think what started my personal, political, and religious changes was largely my older kid asking me questions and finding my very certain, pat answers to be unsatisfying. I couldn't just leave my beliefs unexamined if I couldn't explain them enough to make a young person feel reassured.

Another thing that happened, and something against which I was warned, is that I married a "non-believer." Gasp. However, when James and I got married, I'd say that politically, he was a lot more conservative than I was, and I was pretty conservative. And now he's still a bit more conservative than I am, but neither of us is particularly conservative anymore. So that's a journey we've made in parallel, somehow.

Last night, I stupidly decided to do a little test and check in with some of my old friends and acquaintances on Facebook. Yes, I'm not "on," but lots of people have a lot of their profiles public. I was able so see that SO many folks, many whom I like and respect, believe things that make zero sense to me, and which I cannot even fathom how anyone with access to information can believe. I'm sure they'd think the same about me if my political ideologies were out there in full view, as well.

It helps me understand my high school friend's desire not to see into my innermost workings. I want to continue to like and respect these people. And I recognize my own biases in how I approach their beliefs. So I'm glad I'm not on Facebook anymore, and I'm going to have to stop peeking out of morbid curiosity. 

I want to keep touching in with the "me" of the past so I don't dehumanize anyone. It's not that difficult to do...

About 12 years ago or so, back in the pre-COVID days when we spent a lot of time at Barnes & Noble (which, future reader, is/was an in-person book store), I was flipping through a book called "Know Your Power," which Nancy Pelosi had written. At the time, I had a very negative view of her. I can't explain why. It was visceral. I'd see her and shudder. After all of the articles and podcasts I've consumed lately, I do know why. One article talked about how people would be pro- a random candidate, and then after spending ten minutes in a room talking with people who liked the same candidate, they reported being even more favorable to that candidate. So it was that, only backward.

At the time, I mentioned to my ex-husband, "You know, reading this, she sounds almost like a pleasant person." His response was, "A good ghost writer can make anyone sound human."

Now? Now, I'm mostly ambivalent toward her. I agree with a lot of her politics. I do think she needs to move out of the way and let someone else, preferably non-white, lead the House. The kente cloth fiasco was super cringe-y, and someone more in touch with every day folks likely would have known to avoid those optics, regardless of their sincerity in trying to show solidarity (and you can argue that all you want; I don't know any of those old white folks personally). 

But I don't hate her. When I see her now, what I mostly think is, "I hope that she genuinely loves scarves and that she's not just wearing them to hide neck wrinkles, which are EARNED." Her age isn't a disqualifier of viability... it's just that new ideas need to be allowed to grow and thrive, as what we have right now doesn't work for too many people.

Why did I instinctively detest Nancy Pelosi more than a decade ago? Why don't I anymore? And am I the one who's solely in charge of these feelings? Science argues "no."

I acknowledge this, and therefore find it more important than ever to surround myself with people who are compassionate, forgiving, committed to human rights, able to acknowledge their own biases and shortcomings, trusting enough of me to point out my own errors and inconsistencies.

I DO like to hope that I've matured a bit over the past couple of decades. I'm not mad enough at anyone to storm the Capitol. I'm very sad about everyone who has died from COVID, whether they were deniers or they did everything "right." I'm sad that that veteran believed the patriotic thing to do was to enter the Capitol illegally. I'm sad that there's a 17-year-old being charged with murder (which he definitely committed) because he believed freedom was under attack and because someone illegally bought him a gun and his own parents drove him across state lines to show up at a protest, itching for a fight. Even if justice is served and he's convicted and serves time in jail, it doesn't make anything "right." It's all just sad. And I want to stay mad at systems: white supremacy, outlandish conspiracy theories, patriarchy, rich rule, etc. without ever feeling like someone who dies "deserved" it. It's difficult to stay soft in hard times.

When there are lines formed in the sand like there are now, each side dehumanizes the other: Evil. Animals. Communists. Fascists. The Enemy. Enemy of the People. Fight them. Kill them. They are deserving of death.

A guy in the "ParlerWatch" subreddit created a fake story on his Parler account, using an AI-generated face as the man's picture. It took no time for it to go viral and there were calls for this man's death. People are on the lookout for this non-existent person because some guy was doing a social experiment.

I might not be fully in charge of all of the decisions I make, but I can choose empathy. I can choose vulnerability. I can be aware of my limitations as a human and moderate my responses to triggers. I hope I continue to grow and change, and maybe 20 years from now, I'll read this post and wonder, "What the heck was I thinking??" But though I might be embarrassed by my opinions, I never want to have to be horrified by my actions. 

I don't know what the conclusion of this is. It's just a bunch of observations. "The unexamined life is not worth living" and all that, I suppose. I'll close like they close Freakonomics: "Take care of yourself and, if you can, take care of someone else, too."

Hopeless Case

We've lived in our house for four years now, and although our immediate surroundings are gorgeous, last week I decided that it's time to cross the scary, busy highway that divides my part of town in half, and go explore the other side of the neighborhood.

Mal went with me the first couple of times. We took streets I've only rarely even driven down, and saw a lot of neat houses, including one I've seen for sale on Redfin that has a play castle in the side yard. Mal even found this stash of "diorite" in the road (he's been playing a lot of Minecraft).

Also, yes, my son is six and he's still walking around in public wearing only underpants. I'd blame the pandemic, but that would be disingenuous. He just doesn't like to wear clothes. Anyway, on this walk, Mal walked a good 65-70% of it, which was super helpful on the inclines. Inclines are plentiful and much more pronounced on that side of the highway, as Hill Country does its thing as you get further from the lake.

After a couple of days of this, I found a pretty neat 3.4ish-mile trek that I knew I wanted to try without Malcolm the first time, since a small part of the path doesn't show up as passable on most maps. Here is the route. As you can see, it basically goes around the outside of the other side of town, at the top of a hill. I figured there would be pretty views!

(I didn't start/stop where it shows; I mapped it like this because of the blip there that isn't traversable according to maps.)

Well, I was right. It was gorgeous. Here are some of the views I had during the walk.

About an hour in, I looked at where I was on my phone's map. I hadn't plotted out my route because my phone is losing battery life, plus the route was fairly straightforward. I had thought that the whole circuit might take about an hour and 15 minutes, but could tell that I had a good hour left. I blamed it on the strong wind gusts that were blowing straight into my face as I hiked up, up, up, up. 

Also, I'd not checked the elevation and had believed that once I got to the top of the hill, I'd be up high until I started coming back down toward town. But there were plenty of dips like this one.

Down, down, down, then back up, up, up.

I passed all kinds of discouraging signs like this.

But I know that people who live around the Hollywood sign put up the same warning signs, even though the roads and trails absolutely are for public use.

So. Finally, I hit the place I was guessing was where the map indicated I couldn't get through. There were a bunch of logs piled up to keep cars from ploughing through.

The logs are at the bottom of the picture, and the road just goes away. Also, it's a steep decline down 70 feet. There was no way I was turning around, though. Here's what it looks like from the bottom.

I kept on, even though there were possible portents. 

Soon, I learned that it's impossible to distinguish an unpaved road from a wash when you're looking at Google Maps.

Finally, after two hours and some change, I got back home.

Unexpected hiking conditions notwithstanding, I was a bit humiliated that the walk took me that long.

Until I looked at the map again.

Up there is what I meant to do. This is what I actually did.

It was just under six miles. You can see the bright white road that would cut the route in half. I guess I just missed the turn. I'm going to try that shorter walk soon!

Anyway, when I was looking at the route to see the elevation changes, it varies, but overall there's a 400-foot+ gain from my house to the top of the hill. And I realized that the website I was using to look at elevations, Map My Walk, has a place to track walks. 

Earlier this year, I'd seen a neat Sesame Street virtual run for which you can sign up, and you get swag each time you reach a certain goal. Plus you get a t-shirt. But then I saw that it was $125, and decided it wasn't worth it.

But I had the idea that I could still track my progress just to see how many miles I might walk this year.

Fourth day, and I've realized that I can't. I get too obsessed with it. I'd already decided not to talk today, to give my blisters a chance to heal up a little bit. However, I decided that since the weather was nice and we are headed into some uncertain wintery times in February, I might as well enjoy it while it lasted. I just did a quick half hour.

Later, it was still so nice, I begged Mal to get out with me in his wagon. He declined. But what I recognized is that I didn't want to get out so much because I love it and I love taking Mal around, but because I wanted to log more distance. I don't want to get to that place again. So I'm just going to blithely walk and not pay attention to the miles. Because I DO love my neighborhood, and I do even love weird adventures where I end up in the middle of a nature preserve and don't see any sign of life for more than an hour. 

I can't ruin that with legalism. I'm just not doing that anymore.

Have I Mentioned This? (It's about Mal...)

Forgive me if this isn't something I've shared before, but my son talks. A lot. He basically talks all of the time, and even if he's watching a video, he might be talking or just mouthing the words (and wanting me to watch) or humming.

I've taken to wearing wireless earbuds and listening to podcasts while he rambles maybe 40% of the time. I'm not proud of this, but it's necessary for my sanity. He doesn't stop. He doesn't stop when you say, "Hold that thought; I need to use the restroom." He doesn't stop when I've explained that I'm going to do chores outside and I'm standing with the door partially open. He doesn't stop when James and I are watching television. He DOES ask us to pause what we're watching before he drops the life-shattering news on us though, so that's something.

He just has a lot to say.

Today, we had gotten out to wash the car (cedar waxwings ate a bunch of hackberries and pooped alllll over my car... twice. This time was worse than the first, and those berries are RED and stain.), and on the way home, I told him, "I forgot that I bought French fries! If you want, I can bake some when we get home." Mal said, "No, thanks. I only eat fries from five-star restaurants."

I will say that we have some tentative good news! For the past week or so, when Mal has gone to use the restroom, we haven't had to clean and change his drawers. So, after almost a full year of working on things, it looks like maybe... just maybe... his sphincter muscles are regaining their tone? Oh, goodness, I hope so. For him and for us. 

Mal has spent the past week playing with his new Minecraft LEGO stuff, making lots of bead art (the stuff you iron and it looks like 8-bit graphics), and today because it was on a video he was watching, he had me get out the Lincoln logs we received as a hand-me-down from a neighbor. I dig all of the creation. He's also gotten Super Mario Maker 2 back out and is making new levels on that.

Oh! For a New Year's gift, we pre-ordered Lego Star Wars, the Complete Skywalker Saga, for Mal's Switch. On December 31, I went in to check the tracking, and it has a release date of December 31, 2021! Duh! It was supposed to come out on October 20, 2020, and it got pushed back to spring 2021. I guess they just have that late date so they only have to change it once, when a real release date comes out. Good times.

Here are some pictures of Mal's past week.