More than 5 years ago, back when I was still very active on social media, a girl with whom I went to high school had "unfriended" me. I thought maybe she was just paring back to friends she only knew in real life or something, but she kept interacting with my husband's infrequent posts, even ones in which I was tagged. So I messaged her. I wanted to know what had happened. She was gracious enough to be brutally honest.
"Look, I like you as a person." We'd seen each other at our 20th reunion a few years prior. "And I want to be able to talk to you and enjoy you whenever I see you again, so I had to stop seeing your Facebook feed. We just think so differently, and I don't need to know."
If I remember correctly, one of the things (actually, the only thing I can recall) that we discussed rather heatedly was molecules-to-man evolution. At the time, I didn't really think there was much evidence of it. She has a degree in biology, maybe? And said that she couldn't discuss this with me because I didn't really understand how cells and evolution worked. But she was interested in James's take on it, even though he didn't study biology, either. I mean, I get it. He's scary smart about everything. But it still made me more than a little miffed... not helped by the fact that James had a crush on her before I met either of them.
So now... I don't care enough to argue about evolution, nor do I have ANY actual knowledge to back up a position. At the time, I was deep into Ken Ham's Answers In Genesis take on biblical inerrancy, and I no longer think that's necessary or even particularly helpful to the cause of Christianity. Additionally, I no longer think of Christianity as a "cause" to be advanced. Or defended. Or something to which I need to "win over" anyone. And finally, eight years into this marriage (almost... I guess I'm taking the next 2.5 months for granted), I'm secure enough not to feel resentful toward anyone James used to or still does care for.
On the off chance that Cresha or anyone who knows her still reads this, please pass along my apologies for being such a pain in the ass to her, and tell her I'd love to hear from her because I can only imagine that we agree on MANY other things now. Also, I admire her for using James's academic achievement as her motivation to excel. I'd have been too intimidated.
For some historical context to this blog post, let's note that on Wednesday, what DC Capitol Police believed was to be a "free speech" protest against the certifying of the Electoral College results of the 2020 Presidential election turned into something else entirely when a group stormed the Capitol, were both let in and also broke windows and stuff to get in (guess those folks didn't get the memo?), made a mess and stole stuff, and were eventually escorted out by police. There were about 50 arrests the day of, and several dozen since.
Five people have died so far: One 16-year Air Force veteran and QAnon conspiracy believer was shot as she attempted to step through the broken window in the door of the Speaker's Lobby, as police were yelling, "Get back!" because the representatives were hunkered down in the next room. One man, I believe, fell as he was climbing a wall to breach the Capitol building. One lady, ironically draped in a "Don't Tread on Me" yellow flag, was trampled to death (according to a friend; Capitol Police said she expired in the rotunda and could not be revived). A Capitol Police officer later succumbed to an injury after having been hit in the head with a fire extinguisher. One man had a heart attack amidst the chaos. Another had a stroke.
Like much of this year, the whole thing is very shocking and sad. COVID19 wasn't enough of an enemy for us, I guess. We had to fracture further and turn on each other.
For much of the year, virus mitigation was relegated to a matter of personal freedom, as people balked against stay-home orders, social distancing, small group gatherings, and mask-wearing. People who claim to love a prophet who said the second greatest commandment was to "love others as you love yourself" pushed back against being inconvenienced by wearing a couple of layers of cloth over their breathe holes because DOBBY IS A FREE ELF. Also, "they're all old and they're going to die anyway," and "government is training us to do what they say because wow wearing a mask is really persecution," and MUH FREEDOM.
I have opinions, too. Have you guessed?
I've heard a few interesting podcasts and read some articles lately. Here's an interesting episode of "Hidden Brain." This is both the transcript and the audio. It's about how we think we know why we believe what we believe, and that we trust that we've gathered information and come to an independent conclusion... but that we are actually just not able to access all of the subconscious things that play into our impressions and decisions: "the introspection illusion."
One reason I'm able to have some empathy for people who think and feel completely oppositely from the way that I do is that I remember thinking like that and feeling like that. Why did my thoughts and feelings change? I might want to fool myself that it was some growth on my part, but I know better. I think what started my personal, political, and religious changes was largely my older kid asking me questions and finding my very certain, pat answers to be unsatisfying. I couldn't just leave my beliefs unexamined if I couldn't explain them enough to make a young person feel reassured.
Another thing that happened, and something against which I was warned, is that I married a "non-believer." Gasp. However, when James and I got married, I'd say that politically, he was a lot more conservative than I was, and I was pretty conservative. And now he's still a bit more conservative than I am, but neither of us is particularly conservative anymore. So that's a journey we've made in parallel, somehow.
Last night, I stupidly decided to do a little test and check in with some of my old friends and acquaintances on Facebook. Yes, I'm not "on," but lots of people have a lot of their profiles public. I was able so see that SO many folks, many whom I like and respect, believe things that make zero sense to me, and which I cannot even fathom how anyone with access to information can believe. I'm sure they'd think the same about me if my political ideologies were out there in full view, as well.
It helps me understand my high school friend's desire not to see into my innermost workings. I want to continue to like and respect these people. And I recognize my own biases in how I approach their beliefs. So I'm glad I'm not on Facebook anymore, and I'm going to have to stop peeking out of morbid curiosity.
I want to keep touching in with the "me" of the past so I don't dehumanize anyone. It's not that difficult to do...
About 12 years ago or so, back in the pre-COVID days when we spent a lot of time at Barnes & Noble (which, future reader, is/was an in-person book store), I was flipping through a book called "Know Your Power," which Nancy Pelosi had written. At the time, I had a very negative view of her. I can't explain why. It was visceral. I'd see her and shudder. After all of the articles and podcasts I've consumed lately, I do know why. One article talked about how people would be pro- a random candidate, and then after spending ten minutes in a room talking with people who liked the same candidate, they reported being even more favorable to that candidate. So it was that, only backward.
At the time, I mentioned to my ex-husband, "You know, reading this, she sounds almost like a pleasant person." His response was, "A good ghost writer can make anyone sound human."
Now? Now, I'm mostly ambivalent toward her. I agree with a lot of her politics. I do think she needs to move out of the way and let someone else, preferably non-white, lead the House. The kente cloth fiasco was super cringe-y, and someone more in touch with every day folks likely would have known to avoid those optics, regardless of their sincerity in trying to show solidarity (and you can argue that all you want; I don't know any of those old white folks personally).
But I don't hate her. When I see her now, what I mostly think is, "I hope that she genuinely loves scarves and that she's not just wearing them to hide neck wrinkles, which are EARNED." Her age isn't a disqualifier of viability... it's just that new ideas need to be allowed to grow and thrive, as what we have right now doesn't work for too many people.
Why did I instinctively detest Nancy Pelosi more than a decade ago? Why don't I anymore? And am I the one who's solely in charge of these feelings? Science argues "no."
I acknowledge this, and therefore find it more important than ever to surround myself with people who are compassionate, forgiving, committed to human rights, able to acknowledge their own biases and shortcomings, trusting enough of me to point out my own errors and inconsistencies.
I DO like to hope that I've matured a bit over the past couple of decades. I'm not mad enough at anyone to storm the Capitol. I'm very sad about everyone who has died from COVID, whether they were deniers or they did everything "right." I'm sad that that veteran believed the patriotic thing to do was to enter the Capitol illegally. I'm sad that there's a 17-year-old being charged with murder (which he definitely committed) because he believed freedom was under attack and because someone illegally bought him a gun and his own parents drove him across state lines to show up at a protest, itching for a fight. Even if justice is served and he's convicted and serves time in jail, it doesn't make anything "right." It's all just sad. And I want to stay mad at systems: white supremacy, outlandish conspiracy theories, patriarchy, rich rule, etc. without ever feeling like someone who dies "deserved" it. It's difficult to stay soft in hard times.
When there are lines formed in the sand like there are now, each side dehumanizes the other: Evil. Animals. Communists. Fascists. The Enemy. Enemy of the People. Fight them. Kill them. They are deserving of death.
A guy in the "ParlerWatch" subreddit created a fake story on his Parler account, using an AI-generated face as the man's picture. It took no time for it to go viral and there were calls for this man's death. People are on the lookout for this non-existent person because some guy was doing a social experiment.
I might not be fully in charge of all of the decisions I make, but I can choose empathy. I can choose vulnerability. I can be aware of my limitations as a human and moderate my responses to triggers. I hope I continue to grow and change, and maybe 20 years from now, I'll read this post and wonder, "What the heck was I thinking??" But though I might be embarrassed by my opinions, I never want to have to be horrified by my actions.
I don't know what the conclusion of this is. It's just a bunch of observations. "The unexamined life is not worth living" and all that, I suppose. I'll close like they close Freakonomics: "Take care of yourself and, if you can, take care of someone else, too."
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