My dearly beloved Uncle Bill passed away sometime in the early morning hours of July 24.
I'm very sad about this.
My family's really big about not picking favorites. I'm pretty happy that Mal seems to have completely accepted this idea: his favorite everything is "all of them."
Out of the different men my mom's sisters married, Uncle Bill was the one I most want to emulate. That doesn't make him my favorite, right?
Those Horn women all made great choices about their husbands. Sometimes it took a couple of tries to make a choice that was right for her.
That's OK. We all make mistakes. When a bad marriage leads to people as awesome as me and Khrys...well, could the marriage really have been all that bad? (Editor: Yes.)
I was in a submarine when I heard about the Murrah building bombing. At the time, all I knew was that Uncle Bill worked there and Momo lived nearby.
I spent another 2 months underwater before I found out anything about what happened.
Just thinking about it still makes me cry.
I learned that Uncle Bill's boss told him to go do something else that day.
And that Grandma, who was mostly deaf, still heard the explosion.
None of this does him justice.
I remember Khrys getting thrown off a horse, as a little kid.
I remember wishy-washy ideas about holding a horse's reins in both hands while adults laughed at my stupidity.
I'm very sad that Uncle Bill is gone. I really wish that it would be sensible to get the family together for his funeral.
Friday, July 31, 2020
Sleep Advice to a New Parent
Someone at work asked for advice about sleep training their 8 week old.
I started typing this response, and realized that it does not fit into a slack response.
Congratulations on the new addition to your family!
Back when I was a bachelor, I'd picked up the impression that a baby is basically just a little bag of noise. You put sustenance in one end, clean up the other, and that's about it for the first 18 months.
I didn't have any idea that I'd be dealing with a real person, right from the beginning.
There is so much pressure about sleep training, and so much judgment about making it happen, and so much investment because it has so much impact on your personal life.
Here's the basic truth: your baby's going to do what your baby's going to do.
And you will both be fine. (Believe it or not, you will eventually mostly recover from the chronic sleep deprivation...and it's worth it).
Sleep training runs a gamut between "always be there" and "cry it out."
The scientific studies are mixed about which approaches might have long-term harm and side-effects.
With our older kid, Laura made D cry it out. She sat outside the door and cried about it until D cried to sleep.
At the time, she knew it was wrong. But she was wrapped up in the culture that tells us this is just the way it has to be, for your kid's own good.
When our younger one was born, all the science pointed toward cortisol studies that showed this approach does irreparable brain damage.
Those have mostly been debunked, at least sort-of. But letting your baby cry it out will probably damage your relationship. And you're just starting to build the foundation for that with the new addition to your family. The kid's tired, lonely, cold, and scared. They need your support and comfort.
Mal didn't fit into anything like a "normal" sleep pattern. He still doesn't.
We obsessed about this for months. We bought every sleep training product we could find. We weren't willing to let him cry it out, but we tried every other approach we could come up with.
None of them worked.
When he was 4 or 5 months old, I finally managed to take a vacation. We took the opportunity to observe and re-assess.
Mal finally got a chance to sleep on his terms, instead of when we (and all the "experts") wanted/expected/needed.
Laura decided that she could work with the sleep schedule that his body needed.
We've been taking that approach ever since. It still has his challenges (5-ish years later, I was up until 1 am this morning, waiting to brush his teeth), but I believe it was the right one for both us and him.
Mal didn't ask to join our family. We chose to add him, even though we didn't know who we'd get.
Finding out who he is, and who he's growing to become, is an incredible joy.
Pounding him into submission to suit our needs and expectations would change who he is in fundamental ways that wouldn't be fair to him.
There is a part of me that wishes we forced him into a 9 pm bed-time, the way my parents did with me. But even they must have realized that was a mistake, because they didn't bother with Khrys.
There's another part that wishes we could just unplug at 10:00. Tell Mal that we're done for the evening, wind down, and call it a night. That just isn't realistic.
Most nights, that's when he decides he's ready for supper.
And, really, I mostly like the fact that he's an opinionated, strong-willed person who tells us what he wants.
I started typing this response, and realized that it does not fit into a slack response.
Congratulations on the new addition to your family!
Back when I was a bachelor, I'd picked up the impression that a baby is basically just a little bag of noise. You put sustenance in one end, clean up the other, and that's about it for the first 18 months.
I didn't have any idea that I'd be dealing with a real person, right from the beginning.
There is so much pressure about sleep training, and so much judgment about making it happen, and so much investment because it has so much impact on your personal life.
Here's the basic truth: your baby's going to do what your baby's going to do.
And you will both be fine. (Believe it or not, you will eventually mostly recover from the chronic sleep deprivation...and it's worth it).
Sleep training runs a gamut between "always be there" and "cry it out."
The scientific studies are mixed about which approaches might have long-term harm and side-effects.
With our older kid, Laura made D cry it out. She sat outside the door and cried about it until D cried to sleep.
At the time, she knew it was wrong. But she was wrapped up in the culture that tells us this is just the way it has to be, for your kid's own good.
When our younger one was born, all the science pointed toward cortisol studies that showed this approach does irreparable brain damage.
Those have mostly been debunked, at least sort-of. But letting your baby cry it out will probably damage your relationship. And you're just starting to build the foundation for that with the new addition to your family. The kid's tired, lonely, cold, and scared. They need your support and comfort.
Mal didn't fit into anything like a "normal" sleep pattern. He still doesn't.
We obsessed about this for months. We bought every sleep training product we could find. We weren't willing to let him cry it out, but we tried every other approach we could come up with.
None of them worked.
When he was 4 or 5 months old, I finally managed to take a vacation. We took the opportunity to observe and re-assess.
Mal finally got a chance to sleep on his terms, instead of when we (and all the "experts") wanted/expected/needed.
Laura decided that she could work with the sleep schedule that his body needed.
We've been taking that approach ever since. It still has his challenges (5-ish years later, I was up until 1 am this morning, waiting to brush his teeth), but I believe it was the right one for both us and him.
Mal didn't ask to join our family. We chose to add him, even though we didn't know who we'd get.
Finding out who he is, and who he's growing to become, is an incredible joy.
Pounding him into submission to suit our needs and expectations would change who he is in fundamental ways that wouldn't be fair to him.
There is a part of me that wishes we forced him into a 9 pm bed-time, the way my parents did with me. But even they must have realized that was a mistake, because they didn't bother with Khrys.
There's another part that wishes we could just unplug at 10:00. Tell Mal that we're done for the evening, wind down, and call it a night. That just isn't realistic.
Most nights, that's when he decides he's ready for supper.
And, really, I mostly like the fact that he's an opinionated, strong-willed person who tells us what he wants.
Thursday, July 23, 2020
Scarcity vs. Abundance
When I was visiting my parents last week, my mom noticed I was drinking more water than I used to (read: any water at all) and asked why I was doing it. In the past, I've exclusively drunk diet soda. I wrote recently about changing over, and, honestly, I think the biggest reason was just boredom. We're all stuck at home, and you can only handle so many days of opening all the blinds, making breakfast, cleaning up, brushing teeth, making lunch, tidying up, checking the mail, making dinner, brushing teeth again, closing the blinds, going on a walk, and heading to bed before you're just itching to shake SOMETHING up.
Then yesterday morning, I had a shower thought:
The question to ask isn't why am I drinking water now, when I didn't used to at all.
The real question is: Why didn't I used to drink water?
And I know exactly why I did not.
For YEARS, I lived from a mindset of scarcity. There was never enough of the things I wanted most: acceptance, emotional stability, and, most of all, FOOD.
My mom made me a Diet Coke birthday cake when I was 16, so obviously I have a history with the beverage. But then once I started dieting in college, diet soda was one thing I enjoyed consuming that I could continue to enjoy without feeling guilty, or having anyone judge me for it.
Also, I didn't and don't and never will believe the causation argument that consuming artificially-sweetened beverages makes anyone gain weight. Yes, I've read all of the things. But none of it is very convincing. If a person does the mental gymnastics "I'm drinking zero calories, so I can eat an extra hamburger," that's nothing about the beverage itself. And it's impossible that the body somehow metabolizes a no-calorie sweetener the same way it metabolizes sugar because "the body doesn't know the difference." So no. I mean, drink it or don't, but it's not the devil, and I've always drunk diet soda, whether I was heavier or lighter.
Anyway, I was restricting. I wasn't eating things I really wanted because I was trying to maintain a weight that would be esthetically pleasing to people who wouldn't like me if I were larger. Then I also experienced a BUNCH of outside control in terms of what music I was "allowed" to like, and which movies were "appropriate" for me to watch, and how often it was "reasonable" for me to interact with various family members.
It was a lot.
But I could drink my diet soda and be quietly happy without annoying anyone.
Fortunately, I don't live in a place of scarcity anymore. I have unconditional love and acceptance from my family and my church, and no one tries to control to whom I talk or how much I love a recording artist or gives me a dirty look for throwing down a slice of pizza at 10:45 PM because I have the munchies.
At some point, I guess it occurred to me that I have enough to enjoy, food-wise, that I had the space to drink water, which wasn't my favorite. I'm also drinking other things. Like I'll have a mug of milk with cookies, whereas for years, I didn't want to "waste" the calories on the milk (which wasn't my priority) when I was calculating intentionally "spending" calories on cookies (something I wanted); it seemed too extravagant. Also, I've started drinking a can of V8 Sparkling Energy drink as my morning "coffee" and it has a whopping 50 calories; I literally used to disavow ingesting calories on liquid, unless it was a smoothie with which I was replacing a meal.
I don't have to live that way anymore. I'm allowed enough pleasure that I don't have to cling to the tiniest slice of happiness or risk fading away.
I'm living in abundance, and I can tolerate water now. Yay.
Then yesterday morning, I had a shower thought:
The question to ask isn't why am I drinking water now, when I didn't used to at all.
The real question is: Why didn't I used to drink water?
And I know exactly why I did not.
For YEARS, I lived from a mindset of scarcity. There was never enough of the things I wanted most: acceptance, emotional stability, and, most of all, FOOD.
My mom made me a Diet Coke birthday cake when I was 16, so obviously I have a history with the beverage. But then once I started dieting in college, diet soda was one thing I enjoyed consuming that I could continue to enjoy without feeling guilty, or having anyone judge me for it.
Also, I didn't and don't and never will believe the causation argument that consuming artificially-sweetened beverages makes anyone gain weight. Yes, I've read all of the things. But none of it is very convincing. If a person does the mental gymnastics "I'm drinking zero calories, so I can eat an extra hamburger," that's nothing about the beverage itself. And it's impossible that the body somehow metabolizes a no-calorie sweetener the same way it metabolizes sugar because "the body doesn't know the difference." So no. I mean, drink it or don't, but it's not the devil, and I've always drunk diet soda, whether I was heavier or lighter.
Anyway, I was restricting. I wasn't eating things I really wanted because I was trying to maintain a weight that would be esthetically pleasing to people who wouldn't like me if I were larger. Then I also experienced a BUNCH of outside control in terms of what music I was "allowed" to like, and which movies were "appropriate" for me to watch, and how often it was "reasonable" for me to interact with various family members.
It was a lot.
But I could drink my diet soda and be quietly happy without annoying anyone.
Fortunately, I don't live in a place of scarcity anymore. I have unconditional love and acceptance from my family and my church, and no one tries to control to whom I talk or how much I love a recording artist or gives me a dirty look for throwing down a slice of pizza at 10:45 PM because I have the munchies.
At some point, I guess it occurred to me that I have enough to enjoy, food-wise, that I had the space to drink water, which wasn't my favorite. I'm also drinking other things. Like I'll have a mug of milk with cookies, whereas for years, I didn't want to "waste" the calories on the milk (which wasn't my priority) when I was calculating intentionally "spending" calories on cookies (something I wanted); it seemed too extravagant. Also, I've started drinking a can of V8 Sparkling Energy drink as my morning "coffee" and it has a whopping 50 calories; I literally used to disavow ingesting calories on liquid, unless it was a smoothie with which I was replacing a meal.
I don't have to live that way anymore. I'm allowed enough pleasure that I don't have to cling to the tiniest slice of happiness or risk fading away.
I'm living in abundance, and I can tolerate water now. Yay.
Monday, July 20, 2020
THE Best Band on the Planet??
I was looking for something in my "liked" videos today on YouTube (I think the video I for which I was searching has been removed; it was maybe 13 years old and fabulous, but times change...) when I ran across a video that made me cry the first time I watched it, and it made me cry today.
It's not a hugely touching video... maybe unless you were in marching band. Without further ado, here it is:
By the time I first saw this video, which was released ten years ago, I was already a fan of OK Go. I had this song on their album "On the Blue Colour of the Sky" and loved it... Obviously this is a total rearrangement of the studio recording, and when the full band joins in at the end, there is just so much joy it's kind of overwhelming.
I'd gotten interested in OK Go because of the first video I'd seen of theirs, which was "Here It Goes Again" (which I tried very unsuccessfully to sing at karaoke during this general time period, too). That video was super lo-fi, but also an extremely cool idea... and I'm in good company as this video has more than 51 million views!
Over time, the band got more and more elaborate with their music videos, and I'm going to share a few of my favorites here because you're a good person who deserves to see the amazingness. They also have not sacrificed any of their musicality, but have a solid library of songs that also happen to end up with some amazing visual accompaniments because these guys WORK.
What kind of made me tear up hearing them today was this: I bought my first OK Go album just as my marriage was most falling apart. I switched off listening to them and the "Hairspray" soundtrack every day as I walked while D was in gymnastics. Their music was like a dear friend who walked with me through some pretty difficult times. It was nice to get back in touch with them again.
They have made many more videos than I'll share, but these are my absolute favorites. Believe it or not, I have omitted some. But these are worth your time if you have a few, and if you want to be cheered. You won't regret it.
(They say the "f" word at the very beginning; forward to 30 seconds if that bothers you.)
Here's another one with a bunch of playing around with recording speeds, and a goose.
This is another one that was totally rearranged from the studio recording. It was partially shown as an ad in the 2012 Super Bowl, and the lead singer, Damian Kulash, took race- and stunt-driving lessons to be able to pull this off on his own. If you're familiar with the original recording, it's truly fantastic how they replicated the music with tubes and jars and the like. Oh, and over 1000 instruments in just over 2 miles of track. This one choked me up a little watching it again, as well.
This optical illusion video is taken in a single shot, something they do with a few of their videos.
I really dig this one. It's filmed half speed to make the dancing "pop," like in many Bollywood films (and the recent live-action Aladdin). The "LCD screen" effect at the end with the drone is truly spectacular.
Here's another one-take video, but because it was shot in the "vomit comet," there's a lot of playing around with film speeds to incorporate the "weightless" parts with the "climb back up" parts. This one is next-level.
Here's a four-minute video that took about thirty seconds to film. SERIOUSLY. You won't even care that the video is basically a commercial for salt.
Then there's a printer-themed video. It's FUN!
Finally, a bonus "This Too Shall Pass," for you Rube Goldberg fans.
It's not a hugely touching video... maybe unless you were in marching band. Without further ado, here it is:
By the time I first saw this video, which was released ten years ago, I was already a fan of OK Go. I had this song on their album "On the Blue Colour of the Sky" and loved it... Obviously this is a total rearrangement of the studio recording, and when the full band joins in at the end, there is just so much joy it's kind of overwhelming.
I'd gotten interested in OK Go because of the first video I'd seen of theirs, which was "Here It Goes Again" (which I tried very unsuccessfully to sing at karaoke during this general time period, too). That video was super lo-fi, but also an extremely cool idea... and I'm in good company as this video has more than 51 million views!
Over time, the band got more and more elaborate with their music videos, and I'm going to share a few of my favorites here because you're a good person who deserves to see the amazingness. They also have not sacrificed any of their musicality, but have a solid library of songs that also happen to end up with some amazing visual accompaniments because these guys WORK.
What kind of made me tear up hearing them today was this: I bought my first OK Go album just as my marriage was most falling apart. I switched off listening to them and the "Hairspray" soundtrack every day as I walked while D was in gymnastics. Their music was like a dear friend who walked with me through some pretty difficult times. It was nice to get back in touch with them again.
They have made many more videos than I'll share, but these are my absolute favorites. Believe it or not, I have omitted some. But these are worth your time if you have a few, and if you want to be cheered. You won't regret it.
(They say the "f" word at the very beginning; forward to 30 seconds if that bothers you.)
Here's another one with a bunch of playing around with recording speeds, and a goose.
This is another one that was totally rearranged from the studio recording. It was partially shown as an ad in the 2012 Super Bowl, and the lead singer, Damian Kulash, took race- and stunt-driving lessons to be able to pull this off on his own. If you're familiar with the original recording, it's truly fantastic how they replicated the music with tubes and jars and the like. Oh, and over 1000 instruments in just over 2 miles of track. This one choked me up a little watching it again, as well.
This optical illusion video is taken in a single shot, something they do with a few of their videos.
I really dig this one. It's filmed half speed to make the dancing "pop," like in many Bollywood films (and the recent live-action Aladdin). The "LCD screen" effect at the end with the drone is truly spectacular.
Here's another one-take video, but because it was shot in the "vomit comet," there's a lot of playing around with film speeds to incorporate the "weightless" parts with the "climb back up" parts. This one is next-level.
Here's a four-minute video that took about thirty seconds to film. SERIOUSLY. You won't even care that the video is basically a commercial for salt.
Then there's a printer-themed video. It's FUN!
Finally, a bonus "This Too Shall Pass," for you Rube Goldberg fans.
Saturday, July 18, 2020
The Hottest Month... Or Maybe the 2nd Hottest Month
It's been a couple of weeks, hasn't it?
Cases of the coronavirus are spiking around here, so we're mostly just staying in and trying to keep cool. We're walking a few nights a week, but it's usually around 8:30-9 PM because even though it's still in the 90s then, not having the raging sun blazing down helps a lot.
The city of Austin is on watering restrictions, and I don't actually know whether we are or not, but I'm watering our two apple trees and the fig tree every night, because I really don't want them to die. One of the apple trees is pretty new; the other one made it through last winter, but it certainly didn't seem to have much extra "oomph" right before spring, so I don't want to risk losing that one like we did its original partner. The fig tree is the newest, I believe. And I'm also watering the bushes I planted a couple of years ago that are just now starting to bounce back from the shock of being transplanted. At least we don't have a lawn to irrigate, so you're welcome, environment.
Speaking of the environment, one of the things my brain has been doing since we've been reduced to hanging out with all the same people all of the time is thinking about what kind of house I'd want if I could design and have built my own place. And since we have an extra lot in the back, we could conceivably do it... in a few years, assuming the economy doesn't tank much harder and the economic recovery doesn't stall out. In other words, there are too many variables right now, but James and I have been discussing what we've learned from our previous living arrangements and what we'd do if we could just start over from scratch.
I say that, but, actually, if we could do ANYTHING we wanted, we'd probably go somewhere that we could build at least a partially-submerged sand bag or straw bale house or an Earthship or something like that. Where we live, as close to the lake as we are, and with how chock full of limestone our ground is, using an in-ground home as a cooling measure would probably be a bad idea. Heck, it's a toss-up if many lots around here (including ours!) can house a septic system.
Anyway, in the next few years, as D decides what to do in terms of living arrangements and working and whatnot, we might try to build on the land we already have and sell this, downsizing to a cheaper home that has been designed especially for us. We'll see.
On the Mal front, it's been... something. We went through a full week and a half of trying to get some advice from the doctor's office, because after the magnesium citrate (Mal was SUCH a trooper!) he just stopped going again, and we were right back where we started. I contacted the office about five times over ten days before saying, "It's been three weeks since he's had a bowel movement, and so just never mind. I'm going to figure it out myself." After that temper tantrum, I contacted Mal's pediatrician to tell HIM what all was happening. I was the maddest because Mal had been doing everything the doctor told him to do, and I felt like, whereas we'd made some progress the few days he was taking the magnesium citrate, in the weeks following, he'd probably just gone right back to where he'd been before.
Mal's doctor reached out to the gastroenterologist, whose office contacted me almost immediately. Apparently, the first week I'd messaged them, the doctor had been out of the office (and no one else can figure out a plan??), and he apologized profusely for taking several days to get back to me when he'd returned. Funnily, he recommended using ExLax 1-2 times a day for two weeks, and I'd just bought ExLax the day before, after I'd told them I'd do whatever I had to do.
Well... the ExLax didn't really do anything except make Mal's stomach hurt. The doctor had also mentioned a suppository, which I told Mal we might have to try. He was horrified. He insisted that he couldn't deal with that, so I asked him if he'd rather try the magnesium citrate again. It had been 3 weeks since the first round, and maybe he'd forgotten how much he hated it, so he said okay to that.
This time, he drank the whole 10-ounce bottle in 24 hours instead of three days. And guess what? NOTHING. So, sadly, we had to try a suppository. It worked in clearing a bunch of stuff out. But guess what else? 24 hours later, he wasn't going again; but he was leaking again.
SO... I was looking at some stuff online and saw for the first time a couple of massages recommended for constipation relief. Couldn't hurt to try, right? On Tuesday, July 14, I slathered Mal's belly with coconut oil, which he did not like, and massaged it for ten minutes. I did it the next morning, too, without the oil. He said it was actually a lot more comfortable WITH it, so later in the day, when we did it again, we went back to using coconut oil.
Mal didn't have a bowl movement from Saturday through Wednesday, and Wednesday afternoon, I told him he might have to be resigned to another suppository to help him clear some more stuff out. But then... he went!
This might be correlation rather than causation, but we've been doing two ten-minute massages per day, and he's had some action every day so far. We're continuing to put Miralax in a couple of drinks per day, but otherwise, it's just the massage.
I read an article recently that said it can take months or even up to a year to recover from encopresis (that link is one of the best articles I've read about the condition, if you're interested... the part about parenting advice certainly rings true!), so I think that my frustration earlier this week was more that in my real life, I'm an "it's broken; let's fix it pronto!" kind of person. But in medical stuff, I'm not a huge interventionist. I tend to think that a cold will pass, an ache will probably wear off, a fever will break... and I give it time. I just need to do that with this. If twice-daily hang-outs for massages and sitting with Mal in the bathroom three times a day are what it takes, okay.
There was one time this weekend when, with a 48-hour period, Mal had had 3 doses of ExLax, a bottle of magnesium citrate, AND a suppository. I want to give his system a chance to relax. And this seems to be helping.
Cases of the coronavirus are spiking around here, so we're mostly just staying in and trying to keep cool. We're walking a few nights a week, but it's usually around 8:30-9 PM because even though it's still in the 90s then, not having the raging sun blazing down helps a lot.
The city of Austin is on watering restrictions, and I don't actually know whether we are or not, but I'm watering our two apple trees and the fig tree every night, because I really don't want them to die. One of the apple trees is pretty new; the other one made it through last winter, but it certainly didn't seem to have much extra "oomph" right before spring, so I don't want to risk losing that one like we did its original partner. The fig tree is the newest, I believe. And I'm also watering the bushes I planted a couple of years ago that are just now starting to bounce back from the shock of being transplanted. At least we don't have a lawn to irrigate, so you're welcome, environment.
Speaking of the environment, one of the things my brain has been doing since we've been reduced to hanging out with all the same people all of the time is thinking about what kind of house I'd want if I could design and have built my own place. And since we have an extra lot in the back, we could conceivably do it... in a few years, assuming the economy doesn't tank much harder and the economic recovery doesn't stall out. In other words, there are too many variables right now, but James and I have been discussing what we've learned from our previous living arrangements and what we'd do if we could just start over from scratch.
I say that, but, actually, if we could do ANYTHING we wanted, we'd probably go somewhere that we could build at least a partially-submerged sand bag or straw bale house or an Earthship or something like that. Where we live, as close to the lake as we are, and with how chock full of limestone our ground is, using an in-ground home as a cooling measure would probably be a bad idea. Heck, it's a toss-up if many lots around here (including ours!) can house a septic system.
Anyway, in the next few years, as D decides what to do in terms of living arrangements and working and whatnot, we might try to build on the land we already have and sell this, downsizing to a cheaper home that has been designed especially for us. We'll see.
On the Mal front, it's been... something. We went through a full week and a half of trying to get some advice from the doctor's office, because after the magnesium citrate (Mal was SUCH a trooper!) he just stopped going again, and we were right back where we started. I contacted the office about five times over ten days before saying, "It's been three weeks since he's had a bowel movement, and so just never mind. I'm going to figure it out myself." After that temper tantrum, I contacted Mal's pediatrician to tell HIM what all was happening. I was the maddest because Mal had been doing everything the doctor told him to do, and I felt like, whereas we'd made some progress the few days he was taking the magnesium citrate, in the weeks following, he'd probably just gone right back to where he'd been before.
Mal's doctor reached out to the gastroenterologist, whose office contacted me almost immediately. Apparently, the first week I'd messaged them, the doctor had been out of the office (and no one else can figure out a plan??), and he apologized profusely for taking several days to get back to me when he'd returned. Funnily, he recommended using ExLax 1-2 times a day for two weeks, and I'd just bought ExLax the day before, after I'd told them I'd do whatever I had to do.
Well... the ExLax didn't really do anything except make Mal's stomach hurt. The doctor had also mentioned a suppository, which I told Mal we might have to try. He was horrified. He insisted that he couldn't deal with that, so I asked him if he'd rather try the magnesium citrate again. It had been 3 weeks since the first round, and maybe he'd forgotten how much he hated it, so he said okay to that.
This time, he drank the whole 10-ounce bottle in 24 hours instead of three days. And guess what? NOTHING. So, sadly, we had to try a suppository. It worked in clearing a bunch of stuff out. But guess what else? 24 hours later, he wasn't going again; but he was leaking again.
SO... I was looking at some stuff online and saw for the first time a couple of massages recommended for constipation relief. Couldn't hurt to try, right? On Tuesday, July 14, I slathered Mal's belly with coconut oil, which he did not like, and massaged it for ten minutes. I did it the next morning, too, without the oil. He said it was actually a lot more comfortable WITH it, so later in the day, when we did it again, we went back to using coconut oil.
Mal didn't have a bowl movement from Saturday through Wednesday, and Wednesday afternoon, I told him he might have to be resigned to another suppository to help him clear some more stuff out. But then... he went!
This might be correlation rather than causation, but we've been doing two ten-minute massages per day, and he's had some action every day so far. We're continuing to put Miralax in a couple of drinks per day, but otherwise, it's just the massage.
I read an article recently that said it can take months or even up to a year to recover from encopresis (that link is one of the best articles I've read about the condition, if you're interested... the part about parenting advice certainly rings true!), so I think that my frustration earlier this week was more that in my real life, I'm an "it's broken; let's fix it pronto!" kind of person. But in medical stuff, I'm not a huge interventionist. I tend to think that a cold will pass, an ache will probably wear off, a fever will break... and I give it time. I just need to do that with this. If twice-daily hang-outs for massages and sitting with Mal in the bathroom three times a day are what it takes, okay.
There was one time this weekend when, with a 48-hour period, Mal had had 3 doses of ExLax, a bottle of magnesium citrate, AND a suppository. I want to give his system a chance to relax. And this seems to be helping.
Sunday, July 5, 2020
2-day Stay-Away
James had Friday off of work; D was asking, "Is there any time you're all going to be gone for a while?" because of projects that require spreading out in the common area of the house; and it was supposed to be 100 degrees all weekend, and Mal and I were ready to SWIM.
Magically, last week, I got an email from Omni Hotels that all stays were 30% off through early September. I booked us a two-night stay at the downtown Austin Omni. My thought was that we could just hang out there, swim in the rooftop pool, and walk to a few places like B. D. Riley's Irish Pub for take-out meals. Then COVID-19 cases in Austin started reaching new records daily. I canceled that reservation and moved us to the Southpartk Austin Omni, which isn't really anywhere. It's located at the southeast corner of the intersection of 35 and 71/290, which I guess makes it moderately convenient to travelers needing airport and downtown access, kind of? Anyway, seemed likely that there would be fewer people to bump up against.
Friday, James went out to a late breakfast while Mal and I got stuff ready to go. On the way through town, we stopped at QT for a caffeine-free Diet Coke for Malcolm. All of the stores and the Sodastream website are out of the caffeine-free diet soda Mal likes, and all of the grocery stores are out of name and store brands, too. Yay, pandemic! (I know, these aren't true problems. Just and inconvenience. I DO have perspective.) Happily, I was able to get a free fountain drink with the Quik Trip app!
I had called earlier and knew our room was already prepared for us, so we checked in around 1:40. Of course, the first thing Mal wanted to do was SWIM!
The pool is large and winding. It also has a smaller indoor portion, which you can access via a swim-through hole. We stayed mostly outside because the inside is well air conditioned, and the water itself is cool enough that it felt a bit too chilly in there.
As you can see, there weren't a lot of people. Everyone was being mindful of the distancing requirements.
After our first swim, we explored the hotel a bit, played hide-and-seek, and then got some late lunch/early dinner. James and I had Taste of Ethiopia II and Mal had McDonald's, natch. Our dinner was so tasty, and the portions were ridiculously ample. Needless to say, we had left-overs.
Full up, we were ready for another swim! James went with us this time.
We had some nice down time after that, and a quiet night's sleep.
Saturday, we got breakfast from Hideaway Kitchen and Bar. We got takeout as with the rest of our meals, but they had such a neat patio and it was empty, so I kind of wish we'd eaten there. Anyway, the food was absolutely delicious and Mal still has a pancake and scrambled egg he hasn't deigned to finish.
Hey, want to guess what we did after breakfast?
Yup! More swimming!
After an hour or so, we dried off and took a short break from the hotel.
It was hot, and Mal was NOT interested in going, but he ended up having so much fun! We were a little early for our appointment, so we got him Chick-fil-A on the way, then we took him to see the Cathedral of Junk for the first time.
When we first arrived, Vincent came out to greet us and Mal said, "I'm sure you recognize my parents." He said, "Oh, yeah. Those guys." Then Mal kept saying, "I read about your place in a book we have at home!" It took me almost until we left to realize that he meant the photo album of our wedding.
After a few, he realized that there are themed "rooms" and kept offering us tours to see the red room, and the yellow room, and the green room.
We haven't been since our wedding 7 years ago, I believe, and a lot has changed! The ladder we used to get up to the top has been closed off, but there are two new(ish) staircases to access the third floor. He also built a tile slide.
We were super sweaty but so very happy when we left. I'm glad Austin has this gem and highly recommend visiting if you're in the area. You just have to call to make an appointment. That's always been the case, but it also sounds like he's just allowing one group at a time in order to maintain social distancing.
Here's a picture of James and me yesterday in the same spot we took a picture when we first visited almost 8 years ago (when it was a lot colder and much less sunny). Haven't changed a bit, right?
We had planned to hit up Soursop for more take-out, as it's very near the Cathedral, but we still had so much food left over, and were still super full from a big breakfast, that we couldn't justify it. We ended up eating the stuff we had in the room for dinner.
Then guess what we did after that?
One final swim before calling it a night.
We're on the 11th floor, facing south, and we were able to see a good dozen separate fireworks displays from our room. I was surprised that there were so many, given that right now there's a statewide order banning gatherings of more than 10 people, even outside.
After that, Mal and James both fell asleep pretty quickly. I had run out of Gatorade and drank some soda late in the day, so I was kind of wired for a while longer. And I woke up at 7 AM, so I'll likely go to bed early when we get home tonight.
We've had a fun little break, and I'm sure D has, too.
Next up: watering the fruit trees at home. It's been a sunny and hot couple of days!
Magically, last week, I got an email from Omni Hotels that all stays were 30% off through early September. I booked us a two-night stay at the downtown Austin Omni. My thought was that we could just hang out there, swim in the rooftop pool, and walk to a few places like B. D. Riley's Irish Pub for take-out meals. Then COVID-19 cases in Austin started reaching new records daily. I canceled that reservation and moved us to the Southpartk Austin Omni, which isn't really anywhere. It's located at the southeast corner of the intersection of 35 and 71/290, which I guess makes it moderately convenient to travelers needing airport and downtown access, kind of? Anyway, seemed likely that there would be fewer people to bump up against.
Friday, James went out to a late breakfast while Mal and I got stuff ready to go. On the way through town, we stopped at QT for a caffeine-free Diet Coke for Malcolm. All of the stores and the Sodastream website are out of the caffeine-free diet soda Mal likes, and all of the grocery stores are out of name and store brands, too. Yay, pandemic! (I know, these aren't true problems. Just and inconvenience. I DO have perspective.) Happily, I was able to get a free fountain drink with the Quik Trip app!
 |
| They have a lot of sauces. I put none in Mal's drink. |
I had called earlier and knew our room was already prepared for us, so we checked in around 1:40. Of course, the first thing Mal wanted to do was SWIM!
 |
| He had a straight face in the first picture, so I said, "Can you try to look just a little happy to be here?" This was that. |
As you can see, there weren't a lot of people. Everyone was being mindful of the distancing requirements.
After our first swim, we explored the hotel a bit, played hide-and-seek, and then got some late lunch/early dinner. James and I had Taste of Ethiopia II and Mal had McDonald's, natch. Our dinner was so tasty, and the portions were ridiculously ample. Needless to say, we had left-overs.
 |
| Bread, baklava, shiro wot, lentil sambusa, zimamabojat, and tomato salad. |
 |
| Mal and James heading under the bridge. |
Saturday, we got breakfast from Hideaway Kitchen and Bar. We got takeout as with the rest of our meals, but they had such a neat patio and it was empty, so I kind of wish we'd eaten there. Anyway, the food was absolutely delicious and Mal still has a pancake and scrambled egg he hasn't deigned to finish.
 |
| James got the queso and chips, and then their bacon jalapeño cheddar Benedict. |
 |
| It was either chicken and waffles or their peach pie pancakes. I made the right decision. Perfectly-fried juicy chicken, fluffy waffles, and a pecan bourbon syrup. |
Yup! More swimming!
After an hour or so, we dried off and took a short break from the hotel.
It was hot, and Mal was NOT interested in going, but he ended up having so much fun! We were a little early for our appointment, so we got him Chick-fil-A on the way, then we took him to see the Cathedral of Junk for the first time.
When we first arrived, Vincent came out to greet us and Mal said, "I'm sure you recognize my parents." He said, "Oh, yeah. Those guys." Then Mal kept saying, "I read about your place in a book we have at home!" It took me almost until we left to realize that he meant the photo album of our wedding.
After a few, he realized that there are themed "rooms" and kept offering us tours to see the red room, and the yellow room, and the green room.
We haven't been since our wedding 7 years ago, I believe, and a lot has changed! The ladder we used to get up to the top has been closed off, but there are two new(ish) staircases to access the third floor. He also built a tile slide.
We were super sweaty but so very happy when we left. I'm glad Austin has this gem and highly recommend visiting if you're in the area. You just have to call to make an appointment. That's always been the case, but it also sounds like he's just allowing one group at a time in order to maintain social distancing.
Here's a picture of James and me yesterday in the same spot we took a picture when we first visited almost 8 years ago (when it was a lot colder and much less sunny). Haven't changed a bit, right?
 |
| July 2020 vs. November 2012 |
Then guess what we did after that?
One final swim before calling it a night.
We're on the 11th floor, facing south, and we were able to see a good dozen separate fireworks displays from our room. I was surprised that there were so many, given that right now there's a statewide order banning gatherings of more than 10 people, even outside.
 |
| Hard to tell because of the lights, but James is looking at at least 4 different explosions right here. |
We've had a fun little break, and I'm sure D has, too.
Next up: watering the fruit trees at home. It's been a sunny and hot couple of days!
Saturday, July 4, 2020
Healing Relationships with Food and Body is a LONG ROAD
"Someone is getting that 'lean arm' look."
I remember it so clearly. We were sitting in a restaurant and this person commented on the appearance of my upper arms. Months before, he had made it clear that he was not pleased with my body size and shape, and this had sent me on yet another journey of food restriction and forced exercise that I didn't enjoy in order to maintain a body type that is not natural for me. I did it, and it lasted for the better part of a decade.
But even though it was so long ago, I remember the relief and pride I felt when he acknowledged my lean arms. I wasn't really proud that I'd worked so hard or accomplished a goal; I was just proud that someone, the person I was trying most to keep from despising me for being myself, saw something attractive and worthy in me.
It's been a long time since I started intentionally trying to heal my broken relationship with my body, with food, and with movement. The food stuff was the easiest. I just told myself that I was going to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and not feel guilty. It was actually easy not to berate myself when I went to bed. Not to think, "I screwed up today, but tomorrow, I'll do better." I genuinely extricated myself from those thoughts within a few weeks. Don't miss 'em.
Joyful movement was interesting. I stopped doing that work-out I hated slowly at first, when we moved into the RV and my jumping jacks bothered D (small space, lots of noise and movement). It ended altogether when I realized that my spinal injury was genuine and not just soreness. In fact, I likely worsened it by continuing to push through my work-out (which included sit-ups and lie-down leg lifts) even as I lay in the floor crying from the pain.
When we moved into the Nuthaus near downtown and the UT campus, I realized that riding my bike actually took some pressure off of my back. It felt good. Plus, in many ways it was easier to ride my bike to places like Whole Foods and Wheatsville Coop than to try to drive in the car. After my back got better, I rode a lot. For fun. It was a cool way to see downtown and to experience the new (then) boardwalk at Ladybird Lake.
Then we moved to the apartments, which was all hills all the time. There were a couple of rides I'd take Mal on, like to the mailbox, to a trail in a neighborhood behind us, and then just around the complex a few times. It was difficult because of the hills and the baby and the fact that my bike needed some chain maintenance that I didn't know how to do. Then the bike got stolen.
I genuinely LOVE riding my bike. But I've found, where we live now, walking is a great way to see things and meet neighbors. When we first moved in, we walked to the lake almost every day, and at least every other day for months. That has been scaled back to once or twice a week now, but we still love going down there. We walk around the neighborhood to see how new houses are doing, or to admire older houses' yard decor and things like that. There is a bass-shaped mailbox (we live near the lake, remember?) a ways away from our house that Mal has a love/fear relationship with. I know when he wants to see it that we're going to get in a couple of miles.
Sometimes I walk by myself. I usually cover more ground and see more things then, but I definitely get more of a work-out when Mal comes with me. He has enough energy to power a small sun, but he HATES walking. So when he's amenable to go, I push him. He outgrew the umbrella stroller I have that holds 50 pounds (which is right where he is, but he's so tall), so we got a push/pull wagon and he loves it. It weighs 30 pounds, so even though it rolls beautifully for now, it's still a lot of weight I'm pushing up the gamboling roads leading away from the lake. If we walk TO the lake, there's a serious hill to tackle on the way back.
I do love getting out and walking. I loved bike-riding, too. If we had a bunch of "extra" money, I can see getting a good bike and getting Mal a good bike and one of those "trail gators" I had when D was little so I could tow the smaller bike behind me.
The other thing I've genuinely loved, in terms of exercise, was Zumba classes. But I'm no longer willing to pay for a gym membership, plus... I don't know if you've heard, but this kid up there takes a LOT of time and effort. (TFW you realize your first kid was easy, but you didn't know it at the time.)
Anyway, those two things - food and movement - were fairly simple to straighten out. The body thing has been more challenging. And I mention this all because, a full five years after I made the definite decision that I was finished dieting and hating myself and trying to change my body through intrusive means that I did not enjoy, when I was putting my hair in a bun to go swimming yesterday, I noticed the bulk in my upper arms. And I flashed back to that approving statement: "Someone is getting that 'lean arm' look."
When I look back on pictures of me from about ten years ago, I am rather shocked at how unsubstantial I appear. Did I have boobs at all? Hard to tell. I was so tiny (but never felt tiny). I do not wish to go back to that body again. But, ironically, why is it so hard to see pictures of myself now? I firmly believe that the answer to that is internalized fatphobia.
When I'm just sitting around and hanging out with my family, I don't think about my body. It moves how I want it to move and when I want it to move. It is strong. I am doing housework and playing hide-and-seek and getting down in the floor and moving around all day long.
But I know my body is changing. Not just from my changing exercise habits (like my upper leg strength declined after my bike got stolen), but also from age. I recently listened to an episode of the "Food Psyche" podcast featuring Erica Leon, who is a dietician/nutritionist who works primarily with middle-aged women.
She said, "[T]here’s this period of time from, they say the perimenopause, which is the period of time prior to menopause, three to five years, I think it's even longer. Where bodies start to change, because hormone levels start to shift, just like in adolescence. Estrogen levels, and progesterone levels, they drop, they change, they shift. And so what happens during the period of time is that, periods become abnormal, they become longer, shorter, heavier. And in addition to that, people gain weight around the middle. It happens, like in puberty. I call menopause the second puberty. And, I think people aren’t really aware of that. All of a sudden, it’s like, 'Oh my God. My pants are getting tight. Why is that happening?' It's happening, people don’t hear that this is very normal and natural, and the period of time prior to menopause... [B]odies are changing. And things are happening in the body that we’re not necessarily aware of. Because, when hormone levels shift, there are some issues that occur, because estrogen is a very protective hormone. It keeps us [supple], it keeps our bones strong, it keeps our heart strong. And as our levels shift and lower, we start to have things like, more brittle bones, and really we’re in need of more calcium, and more vitamin D. Things happen with our heart. And I'll say on a personal note, I’ve never ever had a health issue, and all of a sudden, I have elevated cholesterol. And, it's because estrogen is protective, and, helps to keep the heart pumping, strong, and then when our levels are reduced, these things, all of a sudden, are concerns. So things like heart health, bone health... [P]robably the most distressing symptom of all, of menopause, is the weight gain. And it is normal, it is natural. It happens because estrogen levels drop. And, as Margo Maine talks about, it is the life preserver. Which I love, rather than a 'spare tire,' because, hey, we get a spare tire around the middle. But it is protective. When the ovaries stop producing as much estrogen, the body looks for other sources. And the idea of having estrogen is that it helps, it's cardio protective, it protects our bones... And so the body does everything to defend that. People have come to me and said, 'Oh my God, I can’t lose weight like I did when I was younger.' It's like, 'Yeah, you’re not supposed to.'"
Anyway, there's the part in my head that I know to be true: My life is constantly changing. My body is changing (and it's perfectly normal and to be expected). I'm taking care of myself the best that I can. I am happy. My family loves me.
Then there is still that nagging, "Um, that's what I look like?" when I see candid pictures of me. I think a lot of people feel that way. And it really irritates me that society did such a good job of pouring into me that I need to have an appearance that fits into an extremely narrow range in order to be "attractive" or worthy of love or self-esteem. I blame it on society because I always thought I was cool when I was a little kid. I liked me. I learned from others to hate my body and, therefore, myself.
That's the part of this journey that is still the most difficult from which to extricate myself.
So...
If you're lucky like I am and you get to go swimming this weekend, be gentle with yourself.
And while you're at it, maybe watch the words you say to other people. You might think, "You look great! Have you lost weight?" is a compliment, but it feeds into a very destructive world view that is detrimental and that really holds on to the heart and soul of a person.
Take care of yourself.
I remember it so clearly. We were sitting in a restaurant and this person commented on the appearance of my upper arms. Months before, he had made it clear that he was not pleased with my body size and shape, and this had sent me on yet another journey of food restriction and forced exercise that I didn't enjoy in order to maintain a body type that is not natural for me. I did it, and it lasted for the better part of a decade.
But even though it was so long ago, I remember the relief and pride I felt when he acknowledged my lean arms. I wasn't really proud that I'd worked so hard or accomplished a goal; I was just proud that someone, the person I was trying most to keep from despising me for being myself, saw something attractive and worthy in me.
It's been a long time since I started intentionally trying to heal my broken relationship with my body, with food, and with movement. The food stuff was the easiest. I just told myself that I was going to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and not feel guilty. It was actually easy not to berate myself when I went to bed. Not to think, "I screwed up today, but tomorrow, I'll do better." I genuinely extricated myself from those thoughts within a few weeks. Don't miss 'em.
Joyful movement was interesting. I stopped doing that work-out I hated slowly at first, when we moved into the RV and my jumping jacks bothered D (small space, lots of noise and movement). It ended altogether when I realized that my spinal injury was genuine and not just soreness. In fact, I likely worsened it by continuing to push through my work-out (which included sit-ups and lie-down leg lifts) even as I lay in the floor crying from the pain.
When we moved into the Nuthaus near downtown and the UT campus, I realized that riding my bike actually took some pressure off of my back. It felt good. Plus, in many ways it was easier to ride my bike to places like Whole Foods and Wheatsville Coop than to try to drive in the car. After my back got better, I rode a lot. For fun. It was a cool way to see downtown and to experience the new (then) boardwalk at Ladybird Lake.
Then we moved to the apartments, which was all hills all the time. There were a couple of rides I'd take Mal on, like to the mailbox, to a trail in a neighborhood behind us, and then just around the complex a few times. It was difficult because of the hills and the baby and the fact that my bike needed some chain maintenance that I didn't know how to do. Then the bike got stolen.
I genuinely LOVE riding my bike. But I've found, where we live now, walking is a great way to see things and meet neighbors. When we first moved in, we walked to the lake almost every day, and at least every other day for months. That has been scaled back to once or twice a week now, but we still love going down there. We walk around the neighborhood to see how new houses are doing, or to admire older houses' yard decor and things like that. There is a bass-shaped mailbox (we live near the lake, remember?) a ways away from our house that Mal has a love/fear relationship with. I know when he wants to see it that we're going to get in a couple of miles.
Sometimes I walk by myself. I usually cover more ground and see more things then, but I definitely get more of a work-out when Mal comes with me. He has enough energy to power a small sun, but he HATES walking. So when he's amenable to go, I push him. He outgrew the umbrella stroller I have that holds 50 pounds (which is right where he is, but he's so tall), so we got a push/pull wagon and he loves it. It weighs 30 pounds, so even though it rolls beautifully for now, it's still a lot of weight I'm pushing up the gamboling roads leading away from the lake. If we walk TO the lake, there's a serious hill to tackle on the way back.
 |
| Although he has ridden like this a couple of times, he prefers the sun shade because, he says, "I like to look at purple." |
The other thing I've genuinely loved, in terms of exercise, was Zumba classes. But I'm no longer willing to pay for a gym membership, plus... I don't know if you've heard, but this kid up there takes a LOT of time and effort. (TFW you realize your first kid was easy, but you didn't know it at the time.)
Anyway, those two things - food and movement - were fairly simple to straighten out. The body thing has been more challenging. And I mention this all because, a full five years after I made the definite decision that I was finished dieting and hating myself and trying to change my body through intrusive means that I did not enjoy, when I was putting my hair in a bun to go swimming yesterday, I noticed the bulk in my upper arms. And I flashed back to that approving statement: "Someone is getting that 'lean arm' look."
When I look back on pictures of me from about ten years ago, I am rather shocked at how unsubstantial I appear. Did I have boobs at all? Hard to tell. I was so tiny (but never felt tiny). I do not wish to go back to that body again. But, ironically, why is it so hard to see pictures of myself now? I firmly believe that the answer to that is internalized fatphobia.
When I'm just sitting around and hanging out with my family, I don't think about my body. It moves how I want it to move and when I want it to move. It is strong. I am doing housework and playing hide-and-seek and getting down in the floor and moving around all day long.
But I know my body is changing. Not just from my changing exercise habits (like my upper leg strength declined after my bike got stolen), but also from age. I recently listened to an episode of the "Food Psyche" podcast featuring Erica Leon, who is a dietician/nutritionist who works primarily with middle-aged women.
She said, "[T]here’s this period of time from, they say the perimenopause, which is the period of time prior to menopause, three to five years, I think it's even longer. Where bodies start to change, because hormone levels start to shift, just like in adolescence. Estrogen levels, and progesterone levels, they drop, they change, they shift. And so what happens during the period of time is that, periods become abnormal, they become longer, shorter, heavier. And in addition to that, people gain weight around the middle. It happens, like in puberty. I call menopause the second puberty. And, I think people aren’t really aware of that. All of a sudden, it’s like, 'Oh my God. My pants are getting tight. Why is that happening?' It's happening, people don’t hear that this is very normal and natural, and the period of time prior to menopause... [B]odies are changing. And things are happening in the body that we’re not necessarily aware of. Because, when hormone levels shift, there are some issues that occur, because estrogen is a very protective hormone. It keeps us [supple], it keeps our bones strong, it keeps our heart strong. And as our levels shift and lower, we start to have things like, more brittle bones, and really we’re in need of more calcium, and more vitamin D. Things happen with our heart. And I'll say on a personal note, I’ve never ever had a health issue, and all of a sudden, I have elevated cholesterol. And, it's because estrogen is protective, and, helps to keep the heart pumping, strong, and then when our levels are reduced, these things, all of a sudden, are concerns. So things like heart health, bone health... [P]robably the most distressing symptom of all, of menopause, is the weight gain. And it is normal, it is natural. It happens because estrogen levels drop. And, as Margo Maine talks about, it is the life preserver. Which I love, rather than a 'spare tire,' because, hey, we get a spare tire around the middle. But it is protective. When the ovaries stop producing as much estrogen, the body looks for other sources. And the idea of having estrogen is that it helps, it's cardio protective, it protects our bones... And so the body does everything to defend that. People have come to me and said, 'Oh my God, I can’t lose weight like I did when I was younger.' It's like, 'Yeah, you’re not supposed to.'"
Anyway, there's the part in my head that I know to be true: My life is constantly changing. My body is changing (and it's perfectly normal and to be expected). I'm taking care of myself the best that I can. I am happy. My family loves me.
Then there is still that nagging, "Um, that's what I look like?" when I see candid pictures of me. I think a lot of people feel that way. And it really irritates me that society did such a good job of pouring into me that I need to have an appearance that fits into an extremely narrow range in order to be "attractive" or worthy of love or self-esteem. I blame it on society because I always thought I was cool when I was a little kid. I liked me. I learned from others to hate my body and, therefore, myself.
That's the part of this journey that is still the most difficult from which to extricate myself.
So...
If you're lucky like I am and you get to go swimming this weekend, be gentle with yourself.
And while you're at it, maybe watch the words you say to other people. You might think, "You look great! Have you lost weight?" is a compliment, but it feeds into a very destructive world view that is detrimental and that really holds on to the heart and soul of a person.
Take care of yourself.
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