If I Could Do It Over Again (Infant Literature Edition)

I'm going to be 50 in a scant few days. Over the past two years, the length of my cycle has increased by several days. While I have yet to experience hot flashes, it seems obvious that I'm in some stage of pre-menopause, and that blessed cessation cannot come too early for this aspirational old lady.

A combination of living in Texas (post-Roe, and under the 6 week "heartbeat" -- narrator: It isn't. -- law), watching Mama Doctor Jones's monthly "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" reactions, and somewhat unpredictable periods got me thinking about the super statistically unrealistic possibility of getting pregnant at my age. 

The good news is that aside from abstinence, vasectomy is the most reliable form of birth control. Only 1 in 1000 partners will become pregnant in the year after a vasectomy is performed, and vasectomies get more effective each year, to the point that reversals after 10 years have only a 30% chance of being successful.

Still, I have quite a dramatic imagination, and was pondering the prospect of having a baby at 50 (famous men seem to have no problem producing offspring at advanced ages; it's a little more daunting for those of us who actually carry babies). 

What is funny to me is that my first thought was this: There are SO many great books now for babies. So how would I start my hypothetical library for this impossible turn of events?

1. Bodies are Cool -- Kids from cisgender, straight, able-bodied white families are often not exposed to people who people who aren't pretty much cookie-cutters of themselves and their parents. I adore this celebration of all sorts of bodies, hair, abilities, and shades. 
2. Antiracist Baby -- Obviously, the stakes are too high just to be passively "not a racist." The younger the better, in terms of helping kids see injustice and instilling the desire to change a culture for the better.
3. All the World -- I found this book by a local author when we were at the Ladybird Wildflower Center one time. By then, Mal was too busy to really enjoy sitting in my lap and hearing a story read aloud (honestly, he was too busy for that pretty much from birth), but it was so soothing and beautiful to me. It presents the world as a nurturing, safe place where you can make mistakes and do better, and encourages that there are so many people around who love you and want to help you. We ended up getting rid of this book (gave it to a friend for their birthday, but it was still hard), so I'd definitely get a board book for the future baby that doesn't exist.
4. The Remarkable Farkle McBride -- This is beyond baby level, but is a clever, fun, sing-song-y (would appeal to baby ears, even if they don't get the story) introduction to orchestra instruments and sections.
5. All 3 of these books by bell hooks, who passed away last winter.
6. We Are Grateful: Otsaliheliga -- James is 1/16th Cherokee, and Mal is 1/32nd. While both are, to all intents and purposes, white, this is still an important part of their ancestry to acknowledge, as it would be with the imaginary child. I don't know how James feels about this, but I'm conflicted about where the line is in connecting with the Cherokee heritage and also acknowledging that our (actual) child's experience will never be remotely close to the experience that someone who is immediately recognizable as Native American will be. I never want to exploit a culture. 
7. And Tango Makes Three -- Our family looks very "traditional," so it's always a good idea to make sure kids know that not all families look the same. Plus, penguins. Yay!
8. Red, A Crayon's Story -- What a great encouragement to be who you are, even in the face of (friendly) opposition.
9. That’s Not My… — These books have been Mal’s favorites. They’re tactile and use descriptive language. For me, they’re super repetitive, but you can’t argue that at least kids love them.

Obviously, we'd have a whole library (again), but those would be a start.

Another short Dallas jaunt

Mal and I came up to Dallas the last week in June because he wanted to visit KidZania. A few weeks ago, he wanted to return to stay at Great Wolf Lodge. I looked online and there were rooms available for SUPER cheap (relatively) this week, so we made reservations for him and James, since I've been to GWL a few times, and James has never been.

However, James ended up driving up to Washington (he made it safely and is on his way home, and I hope he blogs about it because I've heard very little as he's basically driving or sleeping), so I brought Mal. 

First, we drove to Temple Monday to check on my parents and hang out with them for a while. They've been on a long-planned (was supposed to happen summer 2020... remember that??) train trip through the Canadian Rockies.

That was fun, and then Tuesday, we drove up to Dallas.

Our first, uh, festivity was my taking Mal to The Cracker Barrel. He wasn't too thrilled about the prospect of going, then we happened to drive right past a McDonald's on the way. He wanted me to get drive-through to take with us, but I told him we'd definitely get McD's in Dallas. He was extremely unhappy. To help placate him a bit, I let him pick out a couple of bags of candy in the gift shop while we waited for our table. We actually ended up spending more there than for our meal!

Once we were seated, Mal told me he wasn't going to eat. He did play a little with the peg game, but when I tried to take his picture, he posed like this.

He just kept asking why we couldn't get McDonald's, and I explained that 90% of the time, we eat what he wants to eat, so this time I really wanted to get something I'd enjoy. He said nothing looked good, so I ordered what I wanted (chicken and dumplings) with sides he'd like (macaroni and cheese, and steak fries).

At one point, he just got up and walked out. I thought he was going to spend lunch in the gift shop, but apparently he'd gone to the restroom. When he got back, he said, "Mom, I've been thinking about this, and I think you're the one being stubborn." He then told me this about 4 times throughout the meal. Because, you know, of how stubborn I am.

He ended up having an okay time, he ate 5 or 6 of my fries, which he insisted were terrible after each bite, and we got to the hotel around 2:00 PM.

Our room wasn't ready, so we did a bunch of exploring. In fact, by the time we turned in for the evening, we'd walked more than 3 miles... INSIDE the hotel!

Mal had planned to play MagiQuest (which D LOVED), but decided it was too loud for him. He did pick out a souvenir with the money my parents had sent along with him. He has been playing Toca World a lot, and there are a ton of sloths in it, so that's what he latched on to at the shop.

Around 5:30, he was ready to swim, so we went to the waterpark. He wanted to try the outside pool, since this is the first time we've been here that it's been open. He found a friend and they played together for an hour or so.

We ordered a cheese pizza from one of the in-house restaurants and brought it back to the room. We walked around exploring some more before I just crashed out at 9:30.

This morning, we got up and took our time (pizza for breakfast!) before heading out to an indoor playground. Mal had asked to go to the same mall we visited last time, but there's so much else to do and see I talked him into going to a church (bonus that the play area is free!).

We went to Watermark Community Church first. I believe that's where D and I went to see Adventures in Odyssey Live 10-11 years ago. They have a tree fort area that's a bunch of stairs and swinging bridges, and a toddler playground.

After that, we went to ANOTHER church, Prestonwood Baptist in Plano. Their Preston Kidz area has a giant playground.

Mal found a friend here, and they played for about an hour and a half. Then it was on to the promised McDonald's! I had four playgrounds on my list, and Mal was eager to hit them all... but once we got food, he was ready to come back to the hotel. We ate lunch, and then went to the lobby to explore some more. He found some friends there and played tag. Then we came back to the room to chill for a while.

Just now, Mal went out into the hotel on his own. At just a bit older than Mal, D and a friend played MagiQuest for 6-8 hours, totally unsupervised. Back then, we talked to a kid who was playing who said his mom dropped him off here before she went to work in the morning, because they didn't have childcare and she didn't want to leave him home alone. It's a pretty safe place for kids to mill around.

I'm proud to say that Mal found his way back to the room, but he wants me to go inspect a "new virus" he found.

Tomorrow morning, we're going to the Dallas World Aquarium before heading back home.

Wish me luck with the virus!

The last year, and the new normal

I realized, looking through posts the other day, that I've basically been depressed for a long time. My posts about ennui and whether or not I should have had kids... all of it has been pretty maudlin and hopeless, because that's how I felt.

There is a long story here that I'm going to skip over, but after a year of having near-breakdowns every month from a very sweet puppy who just did not fit in with our household (cats, kids, sensory stuff, love of quiet and peace, etc.), having people I interact with in public remark, "That's too much dog for me!" and "The only people I know who are as dedicated to their dogs as you are don't have human children," etc. I snapped when the dog tried to catch one of our cats outside (inside they're different; outside is a wild card). After seeing how devastated James was, I agreed to keep trying... but then after D returned from a couple of weeks away, the dog decided he needed to be awake all night to keep D company, and I had a stressful night after a stressful day, and the only way I could keep from going crazy was the idea that the dog had an awesome household that wanted him.

The ferocity with which my husband and his family rallied... around the dog has stunned me. I feel like I'm living on a different planet. I feel like I've been talked about behind my back, and that they had this plan for when I failed, which they knew I would, but that no one ever talked seriously to ME about it, so I did what I needed to do to stay out of a mental hospital and continue to take care of all of the domestic duties around our home. 

James is driving to his brother's house with the dog, where the dog will stay indefinitely. James feels good enough about this. I am skeptical, but James was literally ready to file for divorce. We hurt a very kind, loving family, who got caught up in the blast zone and that's almost as hard for me to stomach as the idea that somehow, my husband values a pet more than he values me and the wholistic health of our family. Of course, this is my take on it and I know that he has a different one.

We are committed to staying married because we love each other and want to keep our family intact. But internally, I feel as rocked as I did when my ex-husband texted a lady he didn't know, who was dating a friend of mine, and told her (while she was on a cruise vacation with her family) that I was having an affair with her boyfriend (which I was not). The fallout on that was terrible, but I was already half way out the door because of other problems we had. James and I are starting out on much stronger footing. But I'm still just not sure what the heck is going on, and why it was taken for granted that I shoulder so much constant stress but when I moved to right it, suddenly it's like I'm mentally frail or evil and deceptive or something.

Sometimes I wonder how people maneuver in the world, knowing the wake of destruction they leave behind them. Maybe other people don't do that, but I know so many people who have and who do. I guess we can only move forward and try not to mess up and hurt people in the future.

This morning, I was wishing that James and I could have "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"ed Luke, so he'd be happy where he was, and we'd never be the wiser. But, no. We remember, and somehow we still have to try to live "normal" lives. It feels impossible.