So. Very. Tired.

I'm about to tell you about last night. Before I tell you about last night, and the stuff leading up to it, here's what I need for you to know: I don't desire sleep training advice. I really don't. I am 100% confident that what I'm doing is right for my child and our family, but that doesn't mean I don't have days and weeks when I'm just exhausted. That's part of being a parent. And I appreciate the opportunity to vent about it and to record it for posterity's sake without being told what I "need" to do. Or "should" do to make my life easier.

In all seriousness, I'd be tempted to take Mal to the doctor if I hadn't seen online that this is prevalent enough for there to be all sorts of mommy posts about it. It's a developmental thing and he'll grow out of it... but, dang, the meantime is really hard.

Okay, thanks for hanging in.

For all of his other difficulties, Mal has always been a good night sleeper. From about 2 months to about 6 months, he was waking maybe 4-5 times a night to feed. That might sound like a lot if you don't both nurse and co-sleep, but it's pretty normal for babies who know they can "snack" not to take a full nursing and just to drink a little to put themselves back to sleep. It wasn't any big deal because I could just go back to sleep once he'd found what he was looking for.

He started getting really heavy. Turning over started to become more challenging, but still doable.

Then Mal got mobile.

First of all, Mal has never been a still baby. For as long as I can remember, ask anyone, when you hold him, he jumps. He wants to be up and around. Remember this from when he was maybe a week old?

Picture courtesy my crappy old phone camera. Who was that skinny baby?!

Always looking around, always noticing things and moving. He's very sensitive, which is one reason I think he has had difficulty navigating the lighter sleep periods between deep sleep cycles.

Well, once he started scooting, and then crawling, things got complicated.

First, I really wouldn't care if Mal stayed up until midnight, if he were in a good mood. But there comes a time each night when I can tell it's bedtime. He gets very clumsy and fussy and it's just over. If we let him stay up later than that, not only are we all stressed ourselves, but he's likely to get hurt.

So he'll be sleepy, and I'll get him ready for bed... but once I lay him down and start nursing, he'll drink a bit, then look around. He'll roll over. Now that he can crawl, he'll crawl away. Sometimes, he'll get up and play some more, but inevitably, he'll mash his fingers in something or inexplicably sit three feet from me and bawl, as if to say, "I'm so tired and so hungry! Why aren't you feeding me and putting me to sleep?!"

Again, you can Google "wrestling your baby to sleep," and there are a surprising number of returns (including one woman who wonders if it's abuse as she pins her kid's limbs; I don't, and I have the arm and leg bruises to prove it! He's a flailer!). It's exhausting, because it's basically: Lay the baby down, nurse him, when he starts to wonder off, gently pull him back (against his wishes), put him back into position, and nurse him... ad infinitum until he falls to sleep. This can take ten minutes, or it can take over an hour.

More recently, say in the last 6 weeks or so, he's started doing this not just at bedtime, but EVERY. TIME. HE. WAKES. UP. And two nights ago, that was about a dozen times. Last night, it was every 15 minutes or so. Only this time, it was accompanied with crying, trying to climb over James and me, and just worse. worse. worse.

This is us, right now, via my crappy webcam.

That was actually us about an hour ago; he woke up after a backpack nap of maybe 20 minutes.

James is great. He took Mal this morning so I could try to go back to sleep, but it was 6:15 and I was famished after the all-night workout. Now James is sleeping to catch up, and I don't resent it at all. I just wish I knew someday I could catch up. Nearly 9 months of this is a long time.

You know how sometimes your kids just fall asleep in the middle of what they're doing? Mal has never done that. He's never been sitting playing and keeled over. He's only ever even lain in his crib and cried until he fell asleep once, back in February, after our vacation. He has to be walked (wrestled) into sleep literally every single time he ever falls asleep. Whether it's nursing, repositioning, carrying him (and he won't nod off in the house very often anymore; I have to walk around the block or to 7-11 or something), or having him in the car seat... He doesn't have whatever it is that helps him get from wakefulness to slumber. And managing it sometimes takes its toll.

I'm writing this, again, for posterity's sake, so maybe someone will simply say, "I've been there and it does get easier, but God bless you," and so you'll understand why there are times when I can't remember the word for that metal thing that makes the car turn on.