Adventures in Family Planning

A warning: This is not going to be a pretty blog post. It covers some pretty personal stuff, and I'm certain that my feelings on the matter are not flattering. I'm just thinking about it, and decided to write it down. Feel free to proceed or to go away; I won't be offended if you won't. :)

A couple of weeks ago, I did something that is possibly illegal. I ordered drugs online without a prescription. Specifically, I ordered birth control pills. In the end, I sent them back because they were advertised as ortho tri-cyclen, and when I got them, the two hormones weren't the ones in that specific type of pill. Plus, they were manufactured in and sent from India, as Class H drugs. These drugs aren't as closely monitored as Class X drugs, and I did not want to end up growing a third arm or anything.

So now I'm back where I started.

First of all, you might be tempted to tell me, "Just go to a doctor and get a prescription like a normal person!" Are you new? I don't like going to the doctor unless I'm sick. Also, when you're uninsured, this kind of thing is ridiculously expensive.

When I was very young, in high school and still living at home, I was put on birth control pills by my doctor (and an elder at our church! SO embarrassing!) because I had some excruciating pain, stimuli over-sensitivity, fainting, digestive issues, etc. at "that time" of the month. Until I got married, I never used birth control as... well, birth control. But I was on it from the time I was 16 until I was 28. Yikes! 12 years of hormone regulation!

Anyway, when I was on my parents' insurance, I had no idea what birth control cost. When I went to college, before I understood what Planned Parenthood was about, I went there because I could get the pills for $12 a month. Fast forward to 2013, and they're at least $50 a month; more than I pay for my rescue inhaler, which actually saves my life.

Yes, this is how I think about things. Aren't you glad you don't have to live with me?

Still, it seems crazy to have to pay  more than $1 a day not to get pregnant when these drugs have been around for decades and cannot possibly cost that much to manufacture. I guess you're paying somewhat for peace of mind, as I saw with the "I cannot possibly take these" recoiling I experienced from my overseas drugs.

James has talked about taking permanent measures not to produce a baby, and this is where we (or at least I) run into a little bit of internal push-back. Because it's permanent. Are we really sure that we don't want to have a kid together?

Okay, first of all, the worst part of this is that the reason I don't want to get pregnant RIGHT NOW is that I have booked a cruise for D's 13th birthday. I would take her if I had an at-least-two-month-old baby and my mom would watch the baby for a week. However, you can't get on a ship if you're more than 24 weeks pregnant (you have to have a note from the doctor), so between right now and the end of May, I don't want to get pregnant! This is an important rite of passage which I promised my daughter, and I really, really want us to be able to make the trip as a family.

Now, two years ago, I would have told you that I never wanted to have any more kids. Actually, twenty minutes after Daphne was born, I would have told you the same thing. I was glad I'd had her, but I felt like that was it. I was a basket case with a newborn, and I never ever wanted to go through that again. (I am a GREAT toddler, preschool, and elementary mom, though!)

Then I met James. He never had kids, he explained to me the first weekend we reconnected, because he felt like (and this is a very novel idea) children need two parents, and he'd never met anyone he'd want to spend the rest of his life with, which was necessary for raising a kid together. When we started dating, I jokingly said that if he ever did want kids, he should probably break up with me, but then, as time passed, I softened my stance on that whole thing. James is such a sweet father-figure to Daphne that I know he'd be a nurturing dad and parenting partner. I decided that, if I could give him that, then that'd be awesome.

Two weeks after we got married, I got pregnant. It was unexpected, but I got used to the idea... and then I miscarried. Here's something important I want to explain: I don't feel like I "lost as baby" as much as I had a failed pregnancy. I don't know if it was the short duration of the whole thing, or the fact that it was so developmentally un-human-like, or just that we had the Haiti trip so I didn't experience a focused period of grief. But that's how it feels now: That I was pregnant, but didn't have a baby. What I lost, what I did grieve briefly, was the idea that I was going to be able to do something for James that no one else had ever done for him. (I might be a tad competitive in that way. And other ways. But I digress.) The loss of the idea of having and raising a child with James was what hurt. But only mildly, and very quickly.

But that reality is another thing that plays into this "What to do now?" decision-making. The older we get, the higher the chances are of having a baby with genetic mutations or special needs; Downs Syndrome, schizophrenia, and Autism, specifically. And, like I said, our first shot was not remotely viable.

In other words: the longer we wait, the higher the risks. Also, the longer we wait, the older we will be when our child(ren) is finally an adult(s). I look forward to having a belated honeymoon with James in 6 years or so when my dear daughter sees fit to leave her mother and seek her fortunes. Having a child now, or two years from now, would push that back another decade and a half (and that assumes it is a completely healthy baby). But right now is not a good time, either!

So, what to do? Do we make a permanent decision? Do we intervene at all or just leave it in God's hands? I'm not asking you for your advice; I'm just saying that these are the questions with which I wrestle.

(P.S. There are other options I have not discussed because the internet and this blog are public, and some of that is none of anyone else's business. ;) )