It's Complicated

I think that BPI stands for "Brain Power Index" or something like that. It's my Lumosity history over the past four weeks. This is your brain on pregnancy hormones.

"Oh my gosh! You're pregnant?! Congratulations."

Well, thanks. But...

Last April, almost immediately after we got married, I became pregnant. I was aware of this for approximately three weeks before I stopped having any symptoms of pregnancy, then had a week or so of "Is it over?" before I was given a resounding "yes" and six more weeks of dealing with that process. Falling into that timeline was our trip to Haiti, the first two days of which I was an emotional basket case... and no one knew why except for James.

I didn't tell anyone that I was pregnant, because I knew at my age that it was likely, if not probable, that I'd not carry the baby to term. That's something interesting about the 25% statistic. Although it is not the majority, it feels inevitable.

So here we are again, about six and a half weeks in, and I'm unsure as how to proceed. A few people, James and my employers and my sister, among them, know that I'm pregnant. But I'm unsure as to who else to tell. The only reason for telling anyone else would be to ask for prayer. While I covet prayers for the health of this pregnancy, I also need covering for my heart.

A Facebook friend posted last week a picture of her two-year-old daughter holding an ultrasound photo and a "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book. She is 5.5 weeks pregnant. I thought, "Wow, it's all well and good for you to be celebrating. You're in your 20s." I can't celebrate. I can't be too excited. And that's exhausting to me.

So far, I've visited the midwife twice. The first time, January 7, my hgc level was 5891. Two and a half days later, January 10, they were 14229, and the progesterone was 19.2. So the hormone level is increasing as expected in a pregnancy. And now, we just wait until an ultrasound will show us more, I suppose...