After the Fact (a sort of follow-up to my last post)

As I mentioned last time, I had some pretty intense postpartum depression after Daphne was born. What I'm about to talk about, the ideas I had after the fact and the plans I have this time around, likely would not and will not avoid an incidence of the mood disorder. I just noticed some things that I could have handled better the first time around.

Over the years, people have mentioned to me my "strength." I don't know what that means, but in practice, it apparently means that people assume I am very tough, very brave, and can handle a lot on my own. Which is true, to an extent, but after Daphne was born, I was terribly lonely.

I didn't aspire to my office job I had before she was born, but the fact was that for five years of my life, I'd been around a peer group for 40 hours a week. I was happy to be home, but I had no social contacts at all. I had incorrectly assumed that after you have a baby, all of your people - friends, acquaintances, former co-workers, people from church - show up at your house, dropping in and maybe sometimes even being super pesky. Gosh, there are so many, "If you come visit me after the baby's born, here's how to do it right..." lists online, it seems like this is an epidemic.

Perhaps, in the same way I apparently put out the "don't you dare touch my belly" vibe that successfully repels all but the most intentionally obnoxious people (yes, I'm talking about you, Jennifer and Sarah), I also accidentally put out the "we just want to be alone" vibe... which was definitely not the case.

After Daphne was born, no one who was not related to me came to my house. Literally no one. I felt isolated and lost. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing or feeling, and I was unprepared for the deep sadness (wasn't this what the last months had been expectantly leading up to?) and loneliness (there's literally always a little person *right here* every moment of the day... and night!) I experienced.

Daphne's dad was out of his element, too; a first-time parent, he had no idea how to support me and was probably just trying his best to get used to his new role. When, about a week in, he walked in on my crying over Daphne, who'd just started her first bout with hiccups, his response was, "You have to pull yourself together."

Note for new dads: This is not an effective cheering strategy.

The bright spots in my days were when my pregnant sister and her almost-two-year-old daughter visited, when I got out among people in the "real world" (as opposed to my black hole of a home where all I could feel was sleep deprivation and hopelessness), and when my not-too-close friend Janice would call and share the dark thoughts she had after the birth of her only child. These were the times when I felt "normal."

Now, of course, I realize that I could have called people and asked them to come over. They would have. But I was new at the whole thing, and I wasn't used to asking for care for myself. I wasn't "strong." I was inexperienced and stupid.

I realize that part of this is that I don't have a wide circle of close friends in real life. I worry that I come across as standoffish or preoccupied, when I'm actually just socially awkward. I suck at small talk, and I do find it exhausting getting to know new people through most of the layers and walls we put up early into relationships. In fact, this weekend, I found a video that pretty much explains how I feel in most social situations:




I understand, too, that some people really want to be home for a week or three or six with "just" their core family, both to bond and to avoid germs. This is totally not me. Today, at our birthing class, the instructor mentioned that they prefer mothers to stay in bed (basically, allowing for showers and some walking around for circulation) for three days... and this sounds like a nightmare. Daphne was born at around 2 AM on a Friday; I went to church Saturday night and out to dinner on Sunday evening. And, again, those were the better moments of those first days home.

So, if you're in Austin, be prepared for me to call or text or Facebook message you and ask you to come over for an hour or so, just to see the baby and chat for a while. I will need it. And I'm old enough and wise enough now to know to ask for help. If you definitely want to be on the "call list," email me and I'll be sure to add your name with a big old star beside it.