"Two words never to say to your child"? Really? But it's *hard* (best whiny voice)

In all of the parenting stuff I've been reading lately, one thing that seems to come up over and over again is that you should never tell your kids "good job."

Why?

Although it seems positive on the surface, here's what I've gleaned.

1) It's meaningless.

2) It focuses on the outcome rather than the process.

3) It addicts them to adult (or external, later) praise.

What is/are the alternative(s)?

1) Be specific.

If your kid empties the dishwasher, instead of saying, "Good job!" maybe say, "When you help our family, it makes things so much easier on me, and I appreciate it!" "Thanks for putting your shoes on when I asked you to."

If they paint a picture, you might say, "You're really using your imagination!" or, "You used a lot of blue here. It makes me feel so cool when I look at it." Also, this is honest. Because, let's face it, some kids' make some freaking ugly pictures, so why give them false praise? Since "Good job" could mean anything from, "We could have that shown at the Louvre!" to "Well, bless your heart, you didn't poke your eye with the paint brush this time!" why not be specific so that your words actually mean something?

2) Again, with the "pretty picture" "good job," what if they worked on it for hours and hours (or even days), and it's really *not* objectively good? "You spent three whole days making this, and that is incredible to me!" They need to understand that the process is always important. It's the meaningful part. Someday, there might be a direct reward for effort (i.e. becoming an accomplished pianist, getting drafted into the WNBA, or becoming an astronaut), but honestly... most of our efforts have modest outcomes. That doesn't diminish the importance of getting there.

Other ideas: "That was hard work, but you didn't give up!" "I could tell you were really frustrated at one point, but you kept going." "You are sweating! Are you ready for some ice water?" "I was watching you, and I'd love for you to tell me more about..."

3) Unless your kid asks you, maybe don't always chime in with an affirmation? It's totally enough for the kid to do something and be proud of himself or herself. You want to raise a kid who'll become someone with an internal work ethic, right? So why not encourage that by not showering them with praise every time they do something.

And if they ask you, "Did you see that?" maybe say, "I did. Are you proud of yourself? You should be."

Okay, so that's what I've read. And it actually makes a lot of sense to me.

But here's the deal: I say (or want to say and catch myself and feel like an idiot) "Good job!" about fourteen hundred times per day. And judging by what I've overheard when congregated with other parents (like yesterday in free play at the gym), I'm not alone! Climb the ladder? "Good job!" Throw the balls back into the ball pit? "Good job!" Everything from using the grown-up potty to taking a drink out of the fountain.

In a broader sense, it's like "love." Love pizza. Love your grandma. Love rock and roll. It doesn't really mean anything. It's just a thing we say. Like awesome. Or all right. Or any of dozens of little catch phrases we spew because we are conditioned to say things, but not necessarily always to have our brains engaged.

So, what do you think? Do you have a little one (or two or three) around the house? Just try to be mindful and see how many times you catch yourself saying, "Good job!" pretty mindlessly throughout the day. What are your ideas for creative, specific, and encouraging alternatives?

Good job blowing out your diaper so you had to run around the nursing home with no pants!