Free Advice for Guys Who Want to Marry a Trim, Petite Lady

This week, Mal and I listened to the "Hairspray" soundtrack while I cooked on two separate days. It was emotional for me on many levels, but I wanted to address one of them today.

There's a great line in one of the songs when Wilbur sings, "You're old and fat, but, baby, boring you ain't."

Seriously, the most romantic song from any movie ever.

He's a guy who loves his lady because he loves her. And he always will.

But some guys really want a thin or conventionally-accepted-"athletic"-looking woman on their arm. And if that's you, young man, I have a couple of tips for you.

First, understand that this is no guarantee that once you marry your woman that she'll always be trim. Life happens. But you can stack the deck in your favor by employing the following techniques:

1) Marry a thin lady. One might think this could go without saying, but, no. Some men marry a lady they think they really love, except that she's kinda pudgy, and believe it or not, guys, women eventually pick up on this resentment. You might think, "Naw, babe, I love you even though you're fat" is flattering, but I can assure you that it is not.

Fat is an ethically neutral thing. It's not good. It's not bad. It just is. Some people have no desire to alter their bodies through diet and exercise (and often extreme diet or insane amounts of exercise), and that's a-okay. But if you find some extra flesh a little ookie, then just don't. Just keep walking. Or at least talk to your lady about it and figure out what you're going to do before you're all nuptualized and things get really complicated.

2) Learn her history. Even if your woman is a wee little thing, find out what her life has been like. Has she always been thin? Or has her weight fluctuated through adolescence, stressful seasons of her life, etc.? How many diets -- ahem, lifestyle changes -- has she tried? How does she feel about the gym? Has she ever had an eating disorder, or does she wish she had the willpower to develop one?

If her relationship with food, exercise, and weight is complicated, and it's super important for you to be married to a small woman, she's probably not the lady for you (in the long term, even if she looks "smokin' hot" now).

3) Look at her family. Are the older members of her family, female or male, waifish people? Or are they all pretty substantial folk? She might not like the idea that when you're looking at her parents, you're looking at her future, but genetics would indicate that this is so. And her body might be an anomaly, or she might be controlling genetically-predisposed weight gain through meticulous means, but that doesn't mean it will be successful forever.

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Now, there is some room to talk about women "letting themselves go," and I get that it's not fair to do a bait-and-switch on a guy. It's important to take care of ourselves. But, also, when you get married, you both continue aging. Especially if you marry in your prime, it stands to reason that you're not going to carry around that flower of youth forever. If, as a woman, I'm made to feel like I have to compete with every other woman who is two years or thirteen years or twenty years younger than I am, it's not going to make for a peaceful, balanced marriage.

But what do you do if you're a man who married someone you found attractive at the time but now you find vaguely (or totally) repellant because of how her body has changed? I won't go into asking questions about whether she's carried your children, or how she's taken care of you over the years, or loved you through some ugly times. I really won't. Because if you have this problem, it really does need to be taken care of before it ruins your marriage.

First of all, I implore you to try to remember things you love about your wife. If you've been married for any length of time and can still manage to find yourself completely turned off by this person because of how she looks, I believe that you're not in love with her soul anymore. Love can cover a multitude of trespasses, with that whole "beauty in the eye of the beholder" thing being very real.

Try, really try, to love her unconditionally. Look at her and ask yourself, "If she never changes, will I still be able to love her?" If you can't answer that wholeheartedly "yes," even if you haven't said anything to her, I promise that your resentment is palatable and she knows something is wrong.

My advice would be similar to what Dr. Meg Meeker tells fathers of daughters: "Don’t remark on her weight—EVER. No pet names for parts of her body, no calling her sexy, and no telling her that she is chubby or that she could stand to lose a few pounds. No matter what you say about her weight, she will hear in her mind, 'My dad thinks I’m fat; therefore I am ugly.' Since you can’t win, avoid this. I can’t tell you the number of messes that I’ve been involved in undoing with daughters whose fathers have innocently commented about their weight as they grow up."

You're not her father, but you're someone who is supposed to love her unconditionally. Better or worse and all that. Dr. Meeker's advice is, if you're looking at this person you love and you're concerned in this way, go outside and get active with her. Oh my goodness, if you ask your wife to go hiking or on a walk or, if you're up for Husband of the Year, to a Zumba class with you, I can almost guarantee you that there will be squeals of delight. "Build strength," Dr. Meeker advised. "Not diminish." In other words, the goal isn't to make smaller, but to make more powerful.

It has to be.

If you're a man, unless you're gay or maybe have just had an extraordinarily difficult time of it with weight in your life, I don't think there's any way to understand how damaging to a relationship it is to have the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally tell you, whether as verbal diarrhea or even in a super nice way, that your appearance is disappointing. It's not impossible to come back from this, but it will cause a rift in any feelings of trust and security that you have built up, and it's extremely difficult to build those back up.

So, if you're pre-marriage and this is an issue, I'm asking you on behalf of women everywhere, just go. And don't feel guilty. Find a woman who's better suited for you. Believe it or not, there is a man out there who will love the woman you've left (better off) not in spite of her weight, but who will even find all of her attractive. So you're really doing everyone a big favor.

P.S. I'm not kidding about that Zumba thing. My husband went to a class with me before we were married, and he was all in. He had no idea what was going on, or how to keep up, or any of it, but he threw himself into it and was exhausted and sore and sweaty and all of that good stuff, and I'm telling you... it was amazing. Also, if you're a single guy and want to meet women, there are very few dudes in those classes (the one's I've attended, anyway). That's some extra free advice. You're welcome.