All By Myseyellfff...

For some reason, last week I thought of the television series "Northern Exposure," and that I'd like to watch it again. And although it has been a good fifteen years since I've seen the show (which ended TWENTY YEARS AGO, people!), I kept thinking about the characters on the show, remembering them fondly. This morning, I was playing with Mal and thinking about Maurice, the tavern-owner. Then I remembered Ed... and was getting all mushy with nostalgia about these fictional characters.

What the?

Later, I told James that I think I've been remembering them fondly and wanting to see them again as friends because right now, I can't really maintain friendships. It's difficult to manage a full conversation, honestly, so all-out relationships just aren't happening. Fortunately, James is my best friend and he lives here. It's still not easy to complete thoughts out loud to each other, but we manage.

And my sister is only a few miles away, but between her kids and work and my very high needs kiddo, we still only really talk or see each other maybe once a week. But she's family, so comparatively, it's still "easy."

When Daphne was little, I was still "in there." I was out and doing things. I remember very distinctly, when there was some stuff going on in our church ministry, meeting up at IHOP with our lay leader and a woman involved. Daphne was probably Mal's age and was with me. She ate while we delved into some pretty heavy stuff, then took a bottle, fell asleep, and took a 2-hour nap on my shoulder while we continued our conversation. Mal won't fall asleep at a restaurant. Or anywhere but the car or home, really. He did doze off at my sister's last week, and it totally threw me!

But as I was thinking through this and the fact that we're going to miss James' work party next week because of our super attached sweetie, and how I have to bounce in and out of conversations with acquaintances because I have to jump up and chase Mal down or redirect him or tend to something or other, I realized... I'm using him as a scapegoat.

Because, yeah, he's a lot to handle. And, yeah, I'm super busy with him most of the time. And, true, I have to clock out from the real world and only access it via the internet after about 8 PM every night.

Still...

Friendship-wise, it's kind of more of the same for me.

I mean, social media is full of pictures of women getting together with their closest friends for dinner, or a girls' cruise, or things like that. And I just... don't. I never have. I feel sometimes like having a really close female friend is something I'd like, but I don't know if it's just that I don't know how to maintain that kind of friendship, or because I get antsy and like to move after five years or so, or what it is.

I remember going to a couple of girls' nights in at a friend's house in Las Vegas, and I was always miserable when I was there. I wanted to go, I wanted to have fun, but then I got there and I just wanted to be home with my family.

I didn't feel like I fit in. I almost never feel like I fit in.

When I'm with people, especially women, I look around and it's difficult to find someone who seems really sympatico with me. I sometimes have this affinity with men, but since I'm married, I prefer to keep my husband my best guy friend... and thank God that's not difficult; he's awesome! So he's my best friend period.

Anyway, I don't really have a point. I just wanted to put this out there, in case anyone else felt lonely as a mom, or as a woman, or just as a human who sometimes feels pretty alien in the world. So there. It's out there. And it's not just you.