Advice to Me in the Past (before I was married)

First things first. Remember Laura Hannah from high school? Of course you do. Look her up. Seriously. She's even more awesome than you remember (I know...it's hard to imagine, but trust me on this one).

Secondly: those people who tell you that "raising kids is the most difficult thing ever, but it's also the most rewarding" haven't had very difficult lives. They were pretty spot-on about the "most rewarding" part, though.

I have a strong suspicion that the actual difficulty may have a lot to do with how much time/energy you, as a parent, have available. I think the kid probably stretches that envelope until it starts to unravel. And then they ride on that ragged edge until you throw them out of the nest.

I base this judgment on my own boundless experience as an insufferable whippersnapper and a little time observing frazzled parents.

It's certainly *easier* to cut a switch and try to teach the little snot to stay out of the medicine cabinet with a few gentle swats. I have my doubts about its actual long-term effectiveness. I think mouse traps would probably work much better.

But the little tykes have such sensitive fingers. And it's different when it's *your* little tyke. Not at all like the squalling little brat at the supermarket who won't shut up (actually, you'll start rejoicing when you hear some other kid crying just because it isn't your problem...but it'll be okay to let your heart bleed a little and try to help. I can see the appeal to the idea of some politician who knows how to make things better).

So maybe you'll let the baby examine your razor (under very close supervision, of course). And maybe Mommy will let the baby watch the mixer create cookie dough (ditto). And maybe the tyke will do his best to inspect the inside of the oven fan while that cookie dough's baking.

Try to remember that time that Dad came home and found you taking apart the lawn mower to see how all the parts fit together.

And think really hard about his "I'll give you a reason to cry" shtick. If the kid's crying, he's probably torn up over something. And it probably makes sense, if you can figure out what it is. Yeah, you wouldn't collapse into a little lump of jelly because your favorite source of candy is closed. That's because you've learned how to cope. Man up and show your kid how to deal with such catastrophes (somehow, "They'll be open tomorrow" rings a little hollow).

I know the empathy thing's tough for you. But it's just another skill. Sooner or later you'll have to man up and figure it out. (Or at least start working on it...the sooner you do, the sooner I have a prayer of finally reaping the benefits. So maybe my future self should start sending me notes like this).

Honestly, the biggest drain on your life will be time, exhaustion, and boredom.

Time will be golden. You just think that time by yourself is valuable now. You have no idea. If you choose wisely, you just may be lucky enough to find a wife who appreciates alone-time enough to truly respect yours.

This means she needs hers too, you Nimrod!!

Make sure she gets it.

We won't even talk about exhaustion. You've lived with that your whole life. You're used to it, right?

Actually, the kid drove me to reasonable sleep hours recently. It was frustrating, because I really had tons of things that I wanted to accomplish. And yet I felt refreshed for the first time in years.

There may be something to this.

But really. Boredom. I can't believe I'm listening to this song *again*!

They little tyke's learning and experiencing at a rate that you can't possibly remember.

His brain's doing crazy things right now. It's forming loop-the-loops and roller-coasters and Patterns and wedges and growing rain forests of synapses that are just going to be thrown away because they weren't worth the effort.

So don't make it easy. Make it fun. Share. Laugh, and don't judge.

Most of all, above all, love.

Huh. I thought I was writing this to some hypothetical past version of myself, for the benefit of some hypothetical reader who might care about the wisdom I've gained over the years.

But apparently I was just writing this to myself.

Fire up those axons and dendrites. Learn!