A Letter to Parents of Transgender Kids

Hey, friends.

Well, here we are in 2017 and I'm having a difficult time believing that anyone thinks that somehow we cis-majority need actual legal protection against your trans kid, but it's happening. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And I was prompted to write you this letter because I can only imagine that the ambiance around here is getting a little overwhelming.

For whatever reason, any time transgender issues arise in the public eye, this blog post makes the rounds. I first read it a couple of years ago, and every time I've seen it since, it's left a more and more sour taste in my stomach. Today, I'm literally physically ill and I can't shake it. So I had to reach out to you and let you know... I see you. I see your family. I see how you love your child and know your child and want your child to be healthy. I appreciate you. I'm glad you are your child's parent. God knew what he was doing, giving your child to you and not to someone else. I am sure it's been very very difficult. I'm sure it will continue to be so. You might not feel it all of the time, but you're doing this right by your child. Thank you.

To address the blog post specifically, there are two things I want to point out. Well, backing up, she links to a video about Ryland Whittington, but I'm not sure she even watched it because one viewing shows that her experience was nothing like Ryland's, and nothing like your experience with your child.

Okay, so first, she says something to the extent of "her parents decided to go out and buy her a bunch of boy's clothes and let her cut her hair." Actually, they took her to the doctor because they were concerned. I've learned, as I know you have, that doctors have very specific criteria in pinpointing transgenderism: insistent, consistent, persistent declarations by a person that they are, in fact, a different gender than what their body would seem to indicate.

I have never had to look at doctor in the eye and be told "You can either have a happy son or a dead daughter," but you might have.

Might I, just for a moment, apologize for and kind of offer a partial excuse for those of us who might currently be tempted or in the past have been tempted to dismiss transgenderism as not an actual "thing"? Our access to information is unfettered. There is so much to process and so much with which to deal, very often, I think we just shut down. We don't feel like we have excess emotional energy to process anything beyond what is necessary to live our lives. So rather than do the difficult self-work of coming to an understanding of things that might not come as second nature to us, we put up a wall. I'm not saying that's okay, but I think that's why a lot of us want to shut down. "Racism isn't a thing." "No one is transgender; they're just fooling themselves." It takes a lot of work to really look at something for the first time, to try to empathize... and I think a lot of us are just exhausted. I don't think most people are hateful, or trying to be hateful. I'm sorry that you've been hurt by our carelessness and unwillingness to truly listen to your story.

Back to the doctor... I hope your child doesn't struggle with depression or suicidal thoughts. Although it's true that 40% of transgender people have reported attempting to kill themselves, acceptance by family and community reduce that risk by 80%. So what you're doing, no matter how anyone else sees it, might just be keeping your kid alive. If nothing else, I'd think that's one thing every one of us who is a parent can understand.

An actual sign that my actual friend's actual transgender son made months ago and had taped to the ceiling above his bed...
To remind himself daily to live, to stay around, and that his presence on this earth is important.

Another way I think the author of that blog misrepresents the parents' role in transitioning is that she makes it sound like the parents couldn't be more eager to cross-dress their little one. From everything I've heard, the parents are usually pretty sluggish in coming to the awareness of the reality of their child's situation. In fact, you might feel guilty that you held out as long as you did. Please don't. As parents, in every facet of our kids' lives, we do the best we can... and when we know better, we do better.

The second issue I take with the blogger's story is that, no, she would not currently be labeled as transgender. No one is labeled transgender because as a girl they "pop the heads off of doves" (sorry, but that's what she said) or as a boy because he likes sparkly shoes (my boy likes sparkly shoes, but also insists that he's a boy, like his daddy). Again, it's "consistent, persistent, insistent." There's a difference between a 2-year-old boy wanting sequins on a shirt and in one trying to cut off his penis, and even if other people can't be bothered by this distinction, it seems huge to me.

Lest you think I'm engaging in histrionics, we know a family in which the above-mentioned scenario happened. It wasn't just a boy identifying with more feminine traits, or saying, "I want to be a girl." He insisted from a very young age that he WAS a girl. This was probably two decades ago, and I'm guessing that most therapy models at that time were to the tune of, "No, you're not. Stop it." I'm so glad that your child was born into this world, where people understand more and our science is advanced enough that we can see differences in the hormone levels and brain compositions of transgender people. From what I know, this boy did not have what most of us would consider a "successful" childhood. I weep for him and his adoptive family. I wish it could have gone differently.

Friends, I also want to apologize on behalf of "the church" at large. Over time, many church bodies have come to realize that we can't call ourselves Christians if we marginalize people, and have begun to open their arms and hearts to the LGBT community. But, for the most part, we've often been on the wrong side of history in this regard. I have several friends whose Christian acquaintances, upon learning that the parent is going to support their transgender child, have told them (or their child), "You're a *whatever you were assigned at birth*. God doesn't make mistakes."

Your child and his or her expression of his- or herself isn't a mistake.  It's not typical, numbers-wise, but it's not like some cosmic mix-up led to this. It's not like your parenting made this happen, or some trauma influenced your child. Your child is exactly who they are supposed to be, and, unfortunately, that means they are going to have more than the average number of challenges in their life.

It is for this reason, as a fellow parent and as someone who believes in a God about whom it is written, "a bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not extinguish," that I am reaching out with my love and support.

I'm not sure why others are so intimidated and opposed to the way your child is, the way they want to live their life. We recognize the factual existence of intersex people (formerly known as "hermaphrodites"). How do we know what gender they are "supposed" to be unless they tell us? Parents used to pick for their babies, with disastrous results. If we can acknowledge that people with ambiguous genitalia inherently know their gender, it's not too far a leap to be able to grasp that sex organs and gender actually develop at a different time, and in different places. So, yeah, most of us "match up." Your kid doesn't. I don't see why that makes him a threat, though. I am so sorry they are treated as such by some.

Being a parent is hard enough without extra worries heaped up on it. Statistically, transgender people are more likely to be victims of physical assault than the general population, especially those who are male-to-female. But I don't have to tell you that. You are well aware, and your fears for your child go so far beyond the typical parental fears. Any time they move, will they be accepted or victimized? What if they are just minding their own business and encounter the wrong kind of people? Will they be the target of hate? And you want your child to be happy, to be healthy, to be fulfilled... but you also wish it could be so without the potential for damage. So please know that if I'm ever out and see your child being bullied or disparaged, I will step in. I will do whatever I can to help them navigate away from danger. I will use my voice and influence to support your child's right to be safe every bit as much as I will fight for my own children's safety. And I can't do anything about trolls, but I will cry a little bit and say a prayer when someone calls your MTF child "ugly" online and suggests that you stop playing into their psychoses. I wish I could make them all go away. I don't understand why people have to tear down other people. I'm saddened and aggrieved by it.

Most of us have been the recipients of unsolicited advice, parenting or otherwise, and we hate it. Kid has allergies? Husband has cancer? Unhappy with your job? Baby won't sleep at night? "All you have to do..." Fill in the blank. Essential oils, positive attitude, be consistent, look up, stay away from gluten. Etc. People extrapolate from their own experiences, assuming that their "what works" applies evenly across the population. I will tell you: Once on a road trip, I stopped in at a Hardee's in West Memphis, and I was the only white person in the restaurant. I felt extremely awkward. But I'm not about to write an essay about what it's like to be a minority. That's disrespectful and condescending, and I wish everyone on earth would commit to avoiding "all you have to do"s with every fiber of their being. May you tune a deaf heart to the words pouring in at you, demanding that you deal with your child in a way that someone who has no idea what your life is like is telling you. 

You love your child more than anyone else does. You know your child better than anyone else does. That they trust you, that they open up to you about who they believe themselves to be, and that they know they can count on you to advocate for them, to do the research, to pay people money to help them (because I know a lot of what you're doing is probably not covered by insurance)... You're doing what any parent would do for their own kid, and it is my sincere hope that soon, more and more people will realize this, and stop being scared of something they don't understand so that they can actually do the work of trying to understand. There is so much common ground here. You are not the enemy, and neither is your child. If anyone feels adversarial, then they are the enemy, and the enemy is them.

One other thing: I know that probably the last thing you planned was to become a social justice activist. Thank you for rising to that occasion, though. I'm sure if your child could live her life just under the radar, that's how you'd all prefer it. But it seems like this is not the time for that, doesn't it? By being visible and being relatable, you're "normalizing" your family's situation. Some would bemoan this. I don't. Things hidden in the dark have a devastating power. Some kids think they are alone. Some families are ashamed. So many fear rejection by those who love them and by the society in which they are to live. Your fight to protect your children's rights is changing the world for so many other people. In as much as I can, I will stand beside you. I admire you. I support you. I am here for you.

I guess that's it. I wish I could wave a wand and make it easier. I wish you didn't have to have your child diagnosed with a mental disorder to have treatment covered by insurance. I wish more people would do more research before having an opinion at all, much less a vocal one. And I pray that when you and your child venture out into the world that you are met with grace rather than condemnation, acceptance rather than rejection, support rather than antagonism, and love rather than the myriad of misunderstandings and misinformation that can lead to what feels so much like hate.