Halloween and Costuming

We made a pretty funny observation yesterday about Radical Unschooling: When your kid can eat whatever they want, they might be less interested in Halloween goings-on unless they really like dressing up or are motivated by carnival games.

We went to our city's Halloween festival Saturday night.

Then Mal got to trick-or-treat Sunday after church.

Wednesday, we went to the library's Halloween storytime.

And yesterday (actually Halloween), Mal got a free doughnut at Krispy Kreme for wearing his Boba Fett "costume," which is actually a jacket.

Just as we were finishing that, it was time for a Halloween event at James's work... but Mal was done. He'd had enough and was ready to go home. Candy didn't entice him in the least, probably because he gets to eat candy in general. I think James was a little disappointed, but he took it very well.

Another thing we did yesterday was have James's tires replaced. This is a long, drawn-out story with which I will not bore you, but yesterday was attempt 2 to get tires installed and it worked and I'm very glad that's done and over with.

But also, while we were out yesterday, Mal got misgendered three times. The first time was by a Walmart employee who saw Mal get hurt and was telling me that "she hit the ground with her nose." The second time was by a mom whose son was a little younger than Mal, but whose hair was LONGER than Mal's. The third time was by a very kind Navy Veteran who let us go in front of him after we'd both waited a ridiculously long time to pick up our vehicles when their service was completed. He said something about "you ladies" and Mal said, "I'm not a lady! I'm a boy!" He said, "You're not a boy. I know a boy when I see one. I raised boys." I really hated to break the news to him.

Here's the thing: I realize that all we'd have to do is to chop Mal's hair off, and this probably wouldn't be the daily deal it is now. But why should Mal have to change his appearance for people to accept that he's a boy? WHY is long hair seen as an inherently feminine trait? I understand the concept of "norms" in terms of being average, but I feel like people need to get better at addressing strangers in a gender-neutral way.

I haven't been misgendered, that I know of, but one time I was asked if I was the mother of my slightly-older husband, who was checking into the ER with food poison. It made me feel like absolute garbage. Like, was I so worn-out and raggedy that I didn't appear to be a woman in her VERY YOUNG 20s?? Did I look like I could have a child in their mid-to-late 20s?! So I can only imagine being mistaken (sometimes over and over again) for a different gender.

Mal is young, and only finds it irritating. Fortunately, he has not reached a point where he feels that being assumed to be a girl means he isn't performing masculinity "wrong" and therefore feels shame and anger. I'm GLAD he doesn't see being addressed as a girl insulting, because there's nothing wrong with being a girl, and I never want him to think that's some kind of slight.

But other boys do. When we were at the park last week, waiting for a friend to show up, a boy told Mal that he couldn't play with them because it was only boys. Mal told him he was a boy, and the boy had him perform a feat of strength to prove it. YES, this is INCREDIBLY problematic, and we talked about how you can't tell whether someone is a boy or a girl based on how strong they are. Regardless, that boy seemed to think Mal passed muster. A different kid said, "No, we don't want a girl-boy." Again, Mal sees this as an irritant, not an insult. But I was mad.

Then yesterday, someone shared this video. I believe that people should be able to wear whatever hairstyle they want, and wear whatever clothes they want. I don't think anything should be gendered. Pants are pants. Skirts are skirts. Short hair is for people who want short hair. Long hair is for people who want long hair. Make-up is for people who want to enhance or hide or dress up. Heels are for dummies. Heh, just kidding. They're not for me, but to each their own.




As for me, I'm trying to refer to strangers neutrally until they spell out a gender. I never want anyone to feel insecure about their presentation based on my ignorance and assumption. I'd love it if you'd try it with me.