For the love of all that is good and holy...

There was an interview with the cast of Arrested Development that was very difficult for me to read/listen to. There was a lot of clapback and Jason Bateman has issued an apology, which is the right thing to do, but if I had been planning on watching, I'd not be able to now because I know the hurt that was involved, and I can't suspend my memory enough to enjoy the program.

In thinking about why I reacted so viscerally to this, I realized something: It's pretty much a replay of my meeting(s) with the elders of my church when I explained why I'd chosen to divorce my husband. I was sitting in this room, outnumbered by men, all of whom attempted to convince me that my reality wasn't significant enough to justify my feelings.

EFFFFFFFF THAAAATT!

Breaking from the world of entertainment and focusing on religiosity, here's something that seems blatantly obvious in retrospect but is not a thing I'd really considered before: If you, as a lady, are a sincere Christian attempting to devoutly follow the teachings of the modern evangelical church, you can get caught between The Rock (not Dwayne Johnson; the earlier one) and a Holy Hard Place.

Typically, you're in a heterosexual marriage following the alleged biblical mandate that there is a divine hierarchy (benevolent, sure -hopefully-, but a hierarchy nonetheless) in which the husband is the head of the household and, as such, has extra accountability and responsibility. That can look a lot like power, and where there is a power imbalance, there is always the opportunity for abuse.

My first husband took this all seriously, but was generally kind. My second husband likely had good intentions, but was consistently unkind and extremely low key controlling.

The same thing can be said for submitting to church authority, the vast majority of whom are men. When someone, be it a partner or a leader, claims to be speaking on behalf of God, what is a well-meaning woman supposed to do?

I actually heard from my husband, "I'm making this decision for our family, and if I'm wrong, then I'll have to answer to God about it. But I'm trying to do what's best." This was in regards to excising my sister and her family from our day-to-day life. WWJD, right?

And from a preacher's wife, who, yeah, is female but definitely a tool of the patriarchy, "Don't you trust God to protect your child?" Anyone who knows anything can tell you that this is emotional manipulation of the most blatant kind.

In both situations, I had the choice of complying and staying in good favor or of saying, "No. You're wrong" at the expense of implying that God is the one who was wrong. I have been dis-invited from two congregations for doing things of which the leaders disapproved (because, in their defense, it said so in the Bible), even though I didn't feel in either situation that God himself was displeased (or dishonored, as I was told my actions necessarily did).

This never entered my conscious brain until this morning, and I'm sure it had zero to do with my decision-making when it came time to get hitched to my non-believing husband, but I have to say... It's super empowering to be in a relationship where one side cannot appeal to a God-given authority to mandate the other's behavior. Instead, when James and I disagree, we come together and talk, we reason, we work together. I get that many Christian marriages operate this way, but I know a lot that don't.

Also, I'm so grateful for women like Sarah Bessey, author of "Jesus Feminist;" Rachel Held Evans, author of "A Year of Biblical Womanhood;" and other female Christian voices who are out there spreading the news that we can have an egalitarian outlook on life and still love Jesus. Women (nor anyone) should never have to endure any kind of abuse. Period. Hard stop. I'm committed to calling it out where I see it. I hope you'll join me.