The View as an Only Child

You might be wondering how Daphne is taking all of this. Well, it varies.

James tried to distract her when I was checking out at CVS, but because they messed up my inhaler prescription, we had to stand around and wait a while, so she saw that I was buying a pregnancy test. She cried most of the way home, even when we stopped at a food trailer and bought her a peanut butter shake.

The next morning, I took the pregnancy test and it was positive. Daphne forgot about it for the first hour or so that she was awake. When she found out, she was petulant about it. Daphne has always taken pride in her "only child" status. I reminded her that it's early, I'm old, and anything can happen.

We had a good day, walking to Whole Foods together, hanging out with the Brownies, going shopping, and seeing a movie together. We talked about it on and off all day. By yesterday morning, Daphne had reached the, "Okay, but if you have any OTHER kids after this, I'm going to be pissed," phase.

Last night, though, she said something that caused a blow-out. We were in my room talking, I'd had her get off of the computer and iPad for the rest of the day, and she was sullen. She said, "I wish it were just you and me in the trailer again." Well, we're a family, and that's not okay. I took a minute to think about it and asked her what she wanted. She couldn't tell me.

A few minutes later, I was sitting on the bed crying alone when James came to check on me. Daphne went into her room and locked the door.

The day before, she's made a comment about how, every time our lives get comfortable, something changes. I assured her that this was a facet of life. Everything always changes. She said that she knew that, but I know that this is rocking her world in a way that nothing else she's been through (and she's been through quite a bit in the past couple of years).

After James sat with me for a few minutes, I told him that I was trying to walk the line between not wanting Daphne to be selfish and manipulative, and giving her the space to feel this and be honest. I went into her room and he kind of hung out, waiting to see if she wanted him to come in or not.

I talked to her a bit, but then I asked her to let me hold her like I did until she was about 7 or 8, and we did that for nearly an hour. We talked some more, and James came in and told her about how he'd been really excited about having a younger sibling, but once Khrys got here, he was pretty much an irritation. James said that it took him until high school to realize how much he loved and appreciated his brother, and how now, he's the surest friend he's ever had (before me :) ).

James went back to leave us to "girl stuff" and we talked for a long time. I told her why I'd made some of the decisions I had, and how fortunate we were to have a man who loved us both. I told her that if she really *did* wish we were still "just us," I hoped she'd try to change that. In my heart of hearts, I didn't believe that was true. But I also didn't want her to start resenting James because "he" has brought in this life-changer.

Earlier in the day, James and I had already talked about each taking one day every other month to go out alone with Daphne, and that we will do that for the next year, then continue to do it after/if the baby comes. He was totally down with the idea.

In the end, Daphne was better, and I was better, and James is pretty easy-going all of the time, anyway. D wanted to show me a picture she'd drawn on the computer, and then she had James look at a programming issue she was having, and which he solved. Then we started talking about software for the Bamboo drawing pad that her dad bought her. As she was exploring those options, she found an updated version of what she's been using, and was thrilled that it has been updated and its functionality increased.

I went to the bedroom to read, and after half an hour or so started getting pretty sleepy. James and Daphne were still chatting animatedly in the living room, so I took my nerve pills and let myself go to sleep. I usually go to bed the same time James does, but I didn't want to ask him to stop what he was doing; whatever she was telling him about, Daphne was pretty excited. I usually prefer quiet when I'm drifting off to sleep, but that was a pretty awesome sound.