Yes, I know how this looks...

My parents visited our home town for a while this weekend. I was thinking about their visiting with family members and friends with whom I do not keep in touch. It also got me to thinking about Facebook. And classmates. And people with whom I used to go to church.

I know that, concerning me, there are stories and theories and that very few people know the real deal... but I also know what *I* think when I read or hear that someone I don't know well has been divorced and remarried more than once. The following thoughts have flitted through my mind before, about Hollywood actors or people with whose lives I am uninvolved and see only through the time-lapse of social media:

"Wow. What is it that he/she is looking for?"

"It's sad that no one takes marriage seriously anymore."

"How long do you think *this* one will last?"

"You'd think, at some point, she might realize that the problem is her."

Sound familiar?

Allow me to assure you: I never expected to have a second marriage, much less a stinking third. (Dirty thirdy! Oooh, yes, this marriage is my Ender.) I especially never intended to drag a child through a divorce. It's horrifying, and I don't recommend it to anyone ever. If there is any way to salvage your relationship with the parent of your child(ren), please do everything within your power to save it.

Ross Geller, a character on Friends, would talk about being "that guy." You know the one. The guy who keeps getting divorced. I feel like people who don't know me, and even some people who should know me better, might think this about me. I get that I'm possibly a caricature. There is nothing I can do about that.

This past week or so, I've been singing the songs from "Little Shop of Horrors" because the show is playing here in town, and thought I might not be able go to see it during this particular run, I do like it very much. Every time I've caught myself singing "Somewhere That's Green," it's choked me up.

Audrey's pretty conservative fantasy of domestic bliss sits in start contrast to a description of the "old" me that someone sent me recently: "[Y]ou had so much talent going for you (writing, acting, singing, dancing, directing)... Meals on Wheels, various volunteer work, Global Task Force (which I don’t think you particularly enjoyed but were great at and did as an act of service) and so much more. You were everywhere at once and contributed greatly. So many stories from so many people..." There is another lyric from an older song I heard recently about marriage that says, "Don't leave me hungry for love; chasing dreams, but what about 'us'?"

The person who inventoried this list of impressive things about me did to lamenting "what happened?" People today will ask me whether I plan to get involved in the local theater here. I don't know. It doesn't feel important to me. I'm happy and fulfilled. My time is pretty packed. I have passions, one of which is writing. And I was devastated when I was pulled off of ministry as my marriage was falling apart. I was so grateful to have community theater as an outlet at the time. It served as a balm. And I don't need that balm right now. I have exactly what I've always wanted, and I'm still serving, but in smaller, more intimate ways.

My passions and my energies are directed toward the home. I am loved and appreciated in the here and now for the lunches that I pack and the comforts I am able to provide, and the countless and globally unimportant opportunities I manipulate to build family, and to make our little tribe a home.

I am the same person I always was. I am the same broken person who got married once and then got immature and faithless. I am the same broken person who got married again and tried with all of the strength God gave me to make it work... then at the end, fell apart. I am the same broken person who never would have gotten married again if I'd had any indication that this wouldn't be forever. I hold the covenant of marriage in the highest esteem. I wasn't ever looking for something so particular that it was worth leaving one marriage for. I can't make any excuses for anything I've done. I can only say that I haven't taken anything lightly since I had a child, and that I know how this looks.

But if you could meet my husband, and if you could see the relationship between him and my daughter... If you would sit with me and ask me questions about him, and get to know us as a couple... I think you'll find that I'm not "that girl" who keeps getting married and leaving. I'm not flaky or fickle, nor was I holding out for a fairy tale... But I kind of feel like I landed in one, anyway.