How Not to Teach a Kid ANYTHING

James said the other day that a younger version of him would have been horrified that any kid of his would ever associate himself with Mr. Rogers. However, Mal's recent obsession with Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood is kind of sweet. It's a nice show with really repetitive themes that are nice tools to have in our pockets when needed: "When you can't get something you like, stomp three times *stomp stomp stomp* to make yourself feel better." Sung, of course.

But. There is a segment from the inagural show that makes me vibrate with frustration. Do I need to get a life? Maybe. But, oh my goodness, this is insane.

By the way, yes, we've watched all six seasons, many episodes multiple times, since I realized it's on Amazon. It saved my life because we were watching it on PBS Kids, where there are only 4 or 5 episodes. If we've repeated already given that we have 3 dozen or so to choose from, you can imagine how awful it was having only 5.

Now when Mal says, "Tiger?" we're happy to oblige.

But this segment.

A kid goes to the bakery to "help" bake a cake. It's cute. All of the "neighbor" kids wear a red trolley sweater for their segments. There's one where this boy goes to the bathroom and washes his hands, and he's wearing chipped black fingernail polish. Edgy!

This kid isn't edgy. He's just adorable. But, God bless him, he's about to be really frustrated.

After the baker shows him all of the ingredients that he's going to use to make a cake, she tells him the order and he goes to make the first addition.

I guess she's trying to guide him so he doesn't spill any sugar, but her hands are smashing his hands against the glass bowl.

Next, they need to add eggs to the sugar.

"Here. 'You' crack the egg."

Why is she not just doing this herself?

Okay, I kind of get not wanting egg shells in the mixture (my kid throws the shells in and I just fish them out, but I'm pretty laid back, apparently), but why can't he dump the eggs into the sugar, lady?!

Next, they combine the dry ingredients. He would probably just muck that up, too, so good thing this lady is all up in it, patting the cocoa out. He'd probably try to blow it out using his nose or something. Stupid kids.

THIS POOR CHILD CANNOT EVEN WATCH THE MIXER WITHOUT HER HAVING HER PAWS ALL OVER HIM.

But, seriously, I or my older child would seriously have lost it by now and either run out crying or yelled or punched a cake-makin' wench.

Next, "he" gets to spread the cake batter out in the pan. He's like barely touching it because she's all business, speeding it along.

Why is he even here?!

Now it's time for the frosting. Okay, even if she was worried about the cake not turning out, at least icing, though messy, can't ruin a cake. Surely she's going to let him ice it, right?

Well, he gets his own offset spatula, but once again, she's icing the crap out of that cake.

He eventually gives up and starts eyeing the decorations.

"She doesn't even notice I stopped helping. She doesn't need me for this. I am redundant. I question all of my life choices."

The good news is that her hands don't show up in the final decorating bit AT ALL. However, look at this spread.

Now, if a little kid had been given free reign of the cake, is this the kind of restraint you think he would have shown?

Um. No. Every piece of candy would have ended up smashed onto that cake. Someone was "guiding" him even if she learned to keep her grown-up phalanges out of the shot.

Now, the only saving grace is this part. This is where the kid gets his due.

Bless him.

Actually, she cuts the cake and puts it on a plate. And in my mind, this is his saying, "Screw you. I eat how I want to eat."

Here's something I had to teach myself with D when she was little (and we made a three-day-long-project gingerbread train): When you cook with kids, it's messy. It takes forever. And it won't turn out Pinterest-worthy, especially not at first. But the point isn't to make a beautiful thing that you can send to some slick magazine. The point is to connect, to bond, and to eat yummy things and laugh.

This kid was smiling when he walked in and didn't crack a grin again until he got to eat cake. So this is how you teach kids not to mess with grown-up stuff and just to wait until we handle it for them.

I'd love to see them redo this bit, letting the kid take control. In fact, it would go a lot better with the actual episode if they did. This way, it seriously raises my blood pressure.