Schooling as Childcare? Yes, Please.

Some days, I get it. Especially days like today, when we're toward the end of a month during which James has worked almost nonstop, even from home. When I'm exhausted from the 24/7 care of a spirited child. I am getting enough sleep. I am getting my chores done. But everything feels more difficult than it needs to be, and I must say "Jesus, take the wheel" in my head two dozen times a day.

So I get it: the urge just to find a "good" preschool program and enroll Mal. The relief that would come from having a few hours in my house inside of my own head. The ability to go between chore and rest at my leisure. Not being dictated my part in a play scene I only sometimes understand. Not to have to say, "Hold on" then rush through something all day, but to be able to complete a task thoroughly from start to finish in one fell swoop.

When James isn't working so much, he is good about hanging out with Mal so I can get out on my own, but that's not the same thing as just being home. Alone.

We homeschool. I love it. I have no intention not to homeschool. But, again, in this season... this very long, multi-annual season, I totally get it.

Case in point: Mal was sitting at the table playing with sand so, sitting with him, I started this post. Within three minutes, he decided to go into his room and play something else, and is now calling me, crying, because he needs my help as someone is out of gas.

I never felt this fatigue with D. D, too, was precocious and challenging, but Mal is what I call "extra." And being the constant touchstone for such a verbal, demanding, emotive, energetic little person is draining.

("You always make me sad." The exact thing Mal just said to me after running back in here and telling me he's too scared to be in his room by himself. Now he's standing here crying loudly at me. And James is trying to work. Fortunately, he's not on a call, so I'll let it play out while I finish.)

And, yes, mostly there is happiness and silliness and I love it. But the not ever feeling caught up with my refilling of patience and energy is a bummer. So while I might side-eye the moms brimming over with glee because school starts in 3 weeks... I have to admit that I can see it.

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To end on a funnier note, yesterday morning I was in the closet getting dressed and Mal was jumping on our bed. He said, "I use those to go to sleep at night." I went into the bedroom to see what he meant, and he was pointing at my chest.