Weird Morning

 

We toured KXAN today with Mal's school and it was a neat time!

Before that, though... I had a really strange morning.

First, when I woke up, it was from a dream in which I saw a homeschool friend I'd had in Sherman. In the context of my dream, I'd had a baby soon after Mal and had given it to her, as she really wanted another kid but since she was a bit older than I was, wasn't able to get pregnant again. We hadn't seen each other in years, and I wanted to ask about the kid, but couldn't remember what my friend had named her.

"How's Little Girl?" I asked.

"That doesn't really describe her anymore!" my friend answered.

Then I remembered that we'd just given her the baby without any formalities. I thought that it was probably time to discuss her formally adopting the child (who, at this point, would be 9ish?).

Weird dream.

Then I woke up a little too early to go on a walk, but since we had a pretty early leave time (for our family), I decided to get out while it was still dark (and 49 degrees! yay!). As I was walking down a nearby street, I greeted a man who was walking up the road the opposite direction from me. He passed, but I could tell that he was talking to me. I was listening to a podcast but had the earphones on transparent mode. I still couldn't understand him. I finally took out one earbud and asked him to repeat himself.

"Are you the mail lady?"

"No."

He nodded. "Oh, yeah! Red!"

I said, "Not anymore."

He walked over to me, stuck out his arm like he was an escort, and said gregariously, "Let's walk!"

It kind of alarming, but I didn't feel scared, so I just took his arm and walked with him.

He asked what I was doing, and I told him I was getting some exercise before my kid woke up. I asked him where he was heading, and he said he was just walking around. 

During this exchange, he looked at me again. 

"Sharon?" he asked.

"No."

He dropped my arm and said, "Oh! I'm sorry! I can't see details." 

I told him it was fine and he continued to walk the direction I was walking, but he gradually walked to the other side of the road. When I got to my turn (which happened to go by the police department, but I'd already planned my route before I saw him), I wished him a good day and he went on his way.

Weird.

Finally, when I got home from my walk, I checked the mailbox and found a piece of kids' handwriting paper folded over with red marker writing on it reading "jet lost cat". Not sure what to do with that.  

So... how's your day been?

A Dreamy Sign of the Times

My "nightmare" last night shows the dystopian times in which we live: I was waiting in a VERY long line at See's Candy and realized that I wasn't wearing a mask. I'd been in line quite a while and was almost to the front. I looked around and realized that literally no one else was wearing a mask, either, which both made me feel a little better that I could finish my transaction, and also worse because I didn't want them to assume that I'm one of those people who doesn't care about public health and safety. Then a customer coughed right in the face of the cashier, who immediately disappeared and another employee took her place. Mal was somewhere in the store reading a book, too. I don't remember whether he had a mask or not.

S'posedta Be

I thought that I was supposed to be an astronaut, then I found out that candidates (at the time) had to have 20/20 vision, and I didn't.

I thought that I was supposed to fit in in high school by being on the drill team, but my parents didn't let me audition.

I thought that I was supposed to be one of "those girls" from Arkansas who got married at a young age, but the guy who'd asked me turned out to be gay.

I thought that I was supposed to be an actress, but realized before my final year of college that I did not have the drive to do the things my classmates did just to secure auditions. I knew that I had marginal talent that it would have taken superior drive to make work, and I did not have that in me.

I thought that I was supposed to adopt, but I was too young and immature even to manage a marriage, much less a baby.

Later, I thought that I wasn't ever supposed to have kids at all, but then Daphne came along.

I thought that I was supposed to change the lives of six at-risk young men by being a house parent at Boys' and Girls' Town, but it turns out that bonding with a group of very angry teenagers whilst trying to bond with a two-month-old baby is not something I was equipped to do simultaneously.

I thought that I was supposed to change people's lives through my story-telling, but those opportunities went away with the passing of my marriage.

I thought that I was supposed to be a stay-home wife and homeschool mom, then I was single and I had to get a job.

I thought that I was supposed to be a single mom with a gym rat kid, living a bohemian life in a recreational vehicle, and then James and I reconnected.

In my life, I have had access to incredible opportunities. I've squandered a lot of them, but I've taken advantage of a lot of them, too. I've messed up, I've given up too soon, I've stomped my feet and been a brat, I've hurt people. But I've also helped people, I've fought when others told me to bolt, I have stood in the shadows, watching smiles that I know were because of something that I did, and have taken quiet pleasure in that.

For all of the time I spent obsessing over what I was supposed to be, I sometimes lost sight of what I was in that moment. Today, I am a wife, and a mother, and a homeschool facilitator, and a lover of adventure. But if everything changes tomorrow, I'll still be exactly what I'm "supposed" to be. And that is enough.