Competition, Frustration, and Keeping an Eye on the Enemy

There are some things about which I don't care at all and can easily let go. But in some areas of life, I'm sad to admit that I am a very competitive person. Just last night, I was talking about Haiti and how frustrated that I was called off of hauling duty while Jerry Espinosa continued because I wanted to keep going as long as he did... and even one haul longer.

It's the important things, right?

Things at James' work have gotten quite heated lately. There are times when he comes home with his head still in the coding, and he has to continue work from the house. There are also times that he has personal to-do list things that he'd like to accomplish. Add to that the fact that he has a whole new family, and down time for this introvert is not always plentiful.

Last week, when I mentioned to him that I was missing him, he thought about it and said that it might be an interesting experiment for me to spend one day working without checking Facebook or blogging or watching a video or checking personal e-mail even once, just to see what it was like to reach the end of the day and still have not connected to the world in any way like he does every day.

At first, I told him that my world is very small, and I probably wouldn't miss any of that too much. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted very much to tell him that I know he thinks I spend my day wiling away the hours in social media and ease, when the reality is that I cook and clean and run errands and parent and actually *do* a lot.

Then it hit me: why does that matter? I mean, I do want James to appreciate and value what I do for our family, and he does. He tells me this. So why is it important to me to let him know that I have must-dos also? It's not! Unless I am trying to compete with who has a harder day, it matters not at all. It's not a competition.

But if it were, you know what? James wins. I fold. His day is a lot more stressful and busy than mine. This isn't good sportsmanship or my being a gracious person. It's reality, and I am woman enough to admit this. James' days are a lot more packed, mentally draining, and exhausting than mine.

What do I do during the week? I work about 20 hours doing insurance stuff. I work from home. I don't have to get dressed, if I don't want to. Daphne does school, but she's largely self-sufficient and we largely unschool. I do clean. A lot. Daily. Between the cats and our wooden floors and us and being home all of the time, and life, etc. I sweep at least once a day. I vacuum at least once a day. I do laundry every two or three days. I cook dinner at least 6 days a week and make lunches at least 5 days a week. I keep the cars clean. I  buy groceries. I check mail and pay bills and largely keep track of planning and scheduling. I do some mystery shopping.

But I do this all on my own time, for the most part. If I'm exhausted, I can usually lie down for 15 minutes (or an hour). Additionally, I LOVE what I do. I get energy from it. I spent most of the afternoon Sunday cooking. But even though I was tired by the evening, it was a good tired. I was filled. So making dinner and preparing stuff for lunches throughout the week and putting dishes away and all of the things that I was doing... it's not a drain. It's a pleasure.

James has to drive between 30 minutes and 50 minutes each way to and from work. He has to be in that building for at least 9 hours, 5 days a week, and it's often more. Our entire way of life rests on his shoulders. I have a work ethic and commitment to excellence that internally dictates that I do my work well, but if I happened to lose my job, it'd be a blip on our budget. I don't even make enough per month to pay half of our rent. James bears the full brunt of this on his shoulders.

James eats dinner with us, as a family, every night. He usually has about half an hour of down time before that, and then whatever he can get after dinner, plus time to connect with Daphne and/or me. And he does have his own interests to pursue. God, please let me never resent this.

Also, this might come as a huge surprise to you, but I have a lot of emotional needs. One of my wedding vows was that I would not hold James responsible to my scars. I can't do that. It's not fair. But it's tempting.

This morning, I mentioned to him that I *do* get it, at least a bit. When I come home from a trip and know there is stuff that needs to be done - like starting laundry, cleaning out the cat boxes, looking around for accidents/hairballs, etc. - it's very difficult for me to sit down and relax. I want to finish the re-entry stuff first, and THEN I can enjoy a nice glass of, well, hypothetical wine and conversation. I need to bear this in mind when he's far away, his brain still engaged in the business of the day.

The thing I'm not going to do is to go to that place where, in an effort to have my needs met, I forget James' needs. I don't want to see him as the enemy, or get into a situation where I view his dealing with stress and decompression as robbing me of anything.We are on the same side. We are Team Dave's. We are for us. Forever.